Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  “I don’t understand, Sam…”

  “She wanted to be alone with me, Summer. She didn’t need my help, she just wanted to get me on my own. Your daughter has a crush on me. Do you want to take a second to let the irony of that situation sink in?”

  “Shit!”

  “Yeah. Exactly.”

  “So, what happened? I mean, did she…? She didn’t do anything…?”

  “Nothing happened, but she wanted it to. Got very defensive when I told her she needed to leave.”

  “Jesus, Sam…”

  “She’s already stressed, Summer. Exams, especially A-Levels, they can take their toll on the kids. Maybe she saw me as some kind of escape, a distraction. Do you really want to add to that stress by turning her life upside down? By telling her that you’ve been sleeping with me? Do you have any idea what that could do to her?”

  “She’s going to find out some time, Sam.”

  “And telling her now…”

  “There are still a few months before the exams start. She has time to adjust to the situation…”

  “When did you become so cold, huh? You never used to be like this. You were always the good one, the earth mother, the one who cared about us all. Now you seem to care about nobody but yourself.”

  “I have spent my life bringing up my daughter, because it was what I wanted to do. I wanted to look after her. Love her. Be the kind of mum she needed. But she’s grown up now, Sam. She’s a woman, not a child, and in a few months she’ll be leaving home, she’ll be off to university, starting a whole new life. And I don’t want to be alone. So, yes, it’s time I looked after me now.”

  “Do you know how selfish you sound? You’re willing to hurt your daughter, ruin a two-decade long friendship with your best friend; alienate everyone around you…”

  “Are you scared the truth will alienate you, too?”

  Of course I am. Of course I’m fucking scared, I’m terrified. I can feel Joss slipping further away from me every day, and it hurts like hell.

  “Don’t do this, Summer. Please. Think about the consequences, the shit-storm it’s going to kick up, for what?”

  “You really think this is going to go away? It can’t go away. I already told you, I’m not lying to Joss. I’m not lying to anybody. I’m keeping this baby, so you need to grow a back bone and tell your wife the truth. Time’s running out, Sam.”

  She walks away, her words ringing in my ears. A woman who once was warm and loving has turned cold and hard; selfish. Was that my fault? Did I turn her into that person? What we did, has that damaged her so much that she can’t see past her own needs?

  Time’s running out.

  That clock is ticking.

  The sky’s darkening.

  That storm, it’s coming…

  49

  Alex

  It’s difficult, watching your son get his heart broken. But Savvi just doesn’t see Danny the way he sees her. He’s more like a cousin to her than boyfriend material, and maybe it’s a good thing, that a romantic relationship between the two of them is probably never going to happen. They’ve both applied to different universities – Savvi’s first choice is Manchester, Danny wants Lancaster. And at their age long-distance relationships don’t always work. Stay as they are, and they’ll probably always be in each other’s lives. Best friends. Forever. Just like me and Joss.

  “What are you doing out here?” Joss sits down next to me on the bench outside the club.

  “I just needed a breather. I guess I’m not as young as I used to be, huh?”

  She smiles, takes my hand and squeezes it. I keep hold of it, feel her fingers curl around mine. “Are you happy, Alex?”

  I frown. That question came from out of nowhere. “Yeah, I’m happy. Why do you ask?”

  “I don’t know. I just – you’ve been on your own a long time now. There doesn’t seem to have been anyone special in your life since Kelli walked out.”

  “I wanted to concentrate on Danny, you know that. He was all that mattered. He still is.”

  “But he’ll be off to university soon. Which means you’re going to be on your own.”

  “I won’t be on my own. I’ve got you, haven’t I?”

  I give her one of my best smiles, and she snuggles into me. “You’ll always have me. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I kiss the top of her head, put my arm around her shoulders, lightly stroke her skin with my fingertips. She smells warm and sweet. Familiar. Safe.

  “Don’t you want to find someone, Alex?”

  “Not right now, Joss, no.”

  “You don’t deserve to be on your own.”

  “I’m on my own out of choice, you do realise that, don’t you?”

  She looks up at me, reaches out to touch my face, runs her fingers lightly over my cheek. “You deserve to find someone who loves you. Like I love Sam.”

  I take her hand, feel her fingers curl back around mine and I smile as I rest my forehead against hers. “I love you, Joss.”

  “I love you too, Alex.”

  “Alltid och för evigt.”

  Always and forever.

  She smiles again, squeezes my hand. “Alltid och för evigt,” she whispers back, closing her eyes, and once again I breathe her in.

  My best friend.

  I breathe her in, let this memory etch itself firmly into my brain.

  My best friend.

  My secret…

  50

  Summer

  There was always something that bothered me about you and Alex, Joss. Something that always niggled away at me. It wasn’t just that Alex always put you first, to a point that’s understandable. You two are like brother and sister. And I suppose, to be honest, I’d never really thought all that much about it, until now. Until I started to see you for what you really are – an obstacle I need to get rid of.

  I never really paid all that much attention to the way you and Alex were with each other, I just thought you were close. A lot of best friends are. Maybe you never noticed it either. All the time I’ve known you you’ve had men fawning over you. And Alex, he was always there, looking on, watching over you. Why, Joss? Why was he always there? Why was he always watching you?

  Looking at you both now, outside, on that bench, it’s all starting to make sense. That close bond you both share – do you realise how close it is? Do you see the way he looks at you? Do you see it? I didn’t, before, but I wasn’t looking. I am now. I’m seeking out your weaknesses, your flaws, because you aren’t perfect, Joss. You never were. And soon, Sam won’t see you as perfect, either.

  The way Alex looks at you – your best friend. You aren’t blood-related, but you still think of him as a brother. As you sit with him, your foreheads touching, your hands joined, I watch him watching you. You have your eyes closed, so you can’t see it, but I can. And the second you open your eyes he’ll stop looking at you that way. But I know now, how close you really are. You, and Alex.

  I know.

  Do you…?

  51

  Joss

  “I thought you were coming to the match tonight, Joss. It’s an important game. We win this, and Millers Bridge is in the quarter finals of the regional schools’ cup.”

  “I’ve just become Deputy Head, Sam. I could really use this time to catch my breath and get some work done.”

  He leans back against the counter and folds his arms. His expression is verging on petulant child, and I have no idea why he’s been acting so strange lately. But he has. He goes from needy to agitated in the blink of an eye. And right now, it’s like he doesn’t want me out of his sight.

  “What’s actually changing, Joss? In this new role of yours? From what I can see all that’s happening is that you’ve got a new sign on your office door and a slight pay hike.”

  “Which is never a bad thing. But it also means a bit more work, too. And I’ve had a busy day, so, I just want to have a quiet evening, that’s all.”

  “Thanks for the support.”

/>   He pulls himself away from the counter and I get up, go over to him, grab his arm to stop him from walking out.

  “Hey! Do you want to stop acting like a sulky teenager? I support you, totally, but just this once can you understand that I might need some time to myself? Just a few hours, that’s all.”

  He sighs and throws himself back against the wall. I want to ask him what’s wrong, because something is, but I don’t. I decide against it. Right now, I don’t want to know. He’s been like this since we got back from Alex’s party on Saturday night – petulant, irritated by everything. I think a few hours apart is what we need, but I’m not telling him that. I don’t need a row.

  “I understand, Joss. I do. And I’m sorry, okay?”

  I smile, hook my fingers into the waistband of his tracksuit bottoms. He’s Mr Coburn, P.E. teacher today. Sexy and strong, and I love him. Even when he’s being a prick. “Yeah. Okay.” I kiss him; let him push me against him, kiss me back. He tastes of toothpaste and coffee, a familiar taste. I like it. I love him. “Now go kick Astley High’s arse.”

  I smack his, and he laughs. The mood’s lightened. We’re good again.

  “You can still come down, if you feel like it, later. A few of us might go for drinks afterwards, so…”

  “I’ll call you. All right? If I feel like joining you.”

  But I don’t think I will. I’m looking forward to an evening on my own, just me, my Kindle, maybe an hour or two of something on Netflix.

  He picks up his kit bag and turns to face me. My handsome husband.

  I don’t know what’s wrong, Sam, but I hope we can work through it. Whatever it is.

  “I love you, Joss. I love you so much, I don’t ever want you to forget that. Do you hear me?”

  I fold my arms and frown. He’s talking like he’s off to fight a war not watch over a Year Ten inter-schools’ football match. “I hear. Go on, get out of here. You don’t want to be late. They need their pre-match pep talk.”

  He comes over, leans in to kiss me quickly then he turns to go, leaving me with a smile.

  My handsome husband…

  52

  Connor

  I sit on the low wall that surrounds the paved terrace at the back of Fiona and Jack’s garden. I travelled down here, to Surrey, early Sunday morning. I’ve taken a few days off, to come and see my son. I’ve left Joss in charge of the school, thrown her straight in at the deep end as new Deputy Head, she’s more than capable of running that place in my absence. But I’m travelling back down there, this afternoon. Going back into school tomorrow. And Joss – she has no idea why I’ve taken some time out, no-one has. I’m not telling anyone, about Bobby, not until everything’s finalised. I just needed to come back down south to tie up some loose ends regarding a personal matter, that’s all anyone needs to know. And that isn’t too far from the truth.

  I let my mind wander back to Alex’s party. It was difficult, watching her with Sam. Joss Coburn. So beautiful. So out of reach. My distraction. At school it’s easier to put up that barrier. Easier to see her as nothing more than a work colleague even though, in my head, she’ll always be more than that. One taste of her; one brief, sweet taste of her was all it took for me to become obsessed with her. To need her. I want her, every day my head is full of thoughts and fantasies that I’m learning to control, in school. At home, I let those thoughts take over, play those fantasies out in my head.

  Bobby’s growing bigger by the day. He’s growing up, too fast, which is why I need him home, with me, before he starts pre-school. I want him settled, in a place where he’ll spend his childhood. He’s growing up, but he’s still too young to really take in what happened to him. Too young to really let it affect him, and I’ll make sure he never has to remember what Karen did. I’ll make sure that the access she gets to him is limited, until she gets the help she really needs. And that isn’t going to happen until she admits there’s a problem. She’s an alcoholic. A drug user. A junkie and a drunk. Even her own parents don’t agree with her ridiculous fight for custody. They just don’t want to lose Bobby, either. Neither do I. I’m his dad. He should be with me. But his grandparents, they can see him any time they like. They’ve helped, they’ve been there when we needed them, but Bobby should be with me now. Not them.

  I smile as my son looks up from the sandpit he’s been playing in for the past half an hour. And who says toddlers have terrible attention spans? He grins at me, waves wildly, and I’m flooded with love for that little boy.

  He’s my reason for living.

  One of my reasons.

  Joss Coburn – is she another one…?

  53

  Summer

  It’s a little chilly, for a late Spring evening. There’s a slight breeze that’s taking the edge off the warmth, but coming out into the garden, it’s therapeutic. Deadheading flowers, trimming the trees at the back of the lawn. Planting new shrubs in the borders. I’m creating new life in my little haven of a garden, just as new life is being created inside of me. My baby. I’m not even concerned about becoming an older mum. I’m only thirty-nine, that’s not old these days, to become a mother.

  I stand up and survey my past few hours’ work. I should really be writing, I have a deadline looming, but I needed some fresh air. I needed a moment to breathe, before Sam gets here. My head isn’t really on my new book today. That’ll have to wait.

  Checking my watch I head back inside, switch on the TV in the kitchen, pour myself a fruit juice and drink it while I catch up on the news. There’s not a lot going on in the world today. Not compared to mine. My world, it’s about to change considerably.

  Your world is about to change too, Joss. In a way you just hadn’t seen coming.

  The doorbell rings and I put down my glass before I go to answer it. But I know who it is. It’s Sam. He stands there on my doorstep, in his tracksuit, his P.E. teacher uniform. His hair’s all mussed-up, he’s quite obviously been running around. He looks like he needs a shower. Should I let him have one, before I tell him? Should I let him get clean first?

  “What do you want, Summer? I’m supposed to be at the pub, but you said it was important, so…”

  I stand aside to let him through, watch as he strides down the hallway to the kitchen. Already he acts like this place is his home, and that’s fine. That’s okay. Soon it will be his home. When he leaves Joss.

  You’re terrified she’s going to leave you, aren’t you, Sam? When she finds out about me and you, but that won’t happen now. Not after I tell you she’s been messing about with Connor Sloane. Once you hear that – once you know that your perfect wife has been touched by another man you won’t want her anymore.

  I watch as he opens the fridge, takes out the juice and pours himself a glass.

  “What’s so important you had to drag me over here?”

  He looks at me, his eyes wide, his eyebrows raised in question.

  I take no pleasure in this, Joss, I really don’t. But your husband needs to know what you did.

  “Do you trust your wife, Sam?”

  He frowns, folds his arms. He has no idea what I’m talking about, but he will. Very soon.

  “Yes, I trust her. Summer, what the hell is going on here? If you’ve got something to say, just say it.”

  “Your wife, and Connor Sloane… did you know they’d kissed?”

  His frown deepens, his expression is confused. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “I overheard them. Last night, at the party. They were talking. It was just a kiss, from what I can gather, but he was apologising, for his behaviour. She was apologising too.”

  He shakes his head, that confused expression giving way to anger. Is he blaming me for this? They say don’t shoot the messenger, but I’m only telling him what he needs to hear. What he needs to know.

  I’m making it easier for him to walk away from you, Joss. That’s all I’m doing.

  “You’re lying.”

  “Why would I lie about something like
this, Sam?”

  “Because you seem hell bent on ruining everyone’s lives.”

  “Are you going to ask her about it? About what she did?”

  “You’re fucking crazy…”

  He pushes past me, back out into the hallway, and I follow him. I’m not crazy, I’m just letting him know that his perfect wife isn’t quite so perfect after all. I always knew she couldn’t be, or he wouldn’t have slept with me. He wouldn’t have come back for more, for over six months he came to me, time and time again. He came to me.

  He just couldn’t see your flaws, Joss. Couldn’t see past his own vision of perfection. But every time he looks at you now he’s going to see those cracks, realise that you were never really perfect. And he’ll leave. He’ll walk away from you and he’ll come to me.

  “Sam, please, wait! Just, wait.”

  He stops at the door, turns to look at me. And, okay, he’s angry now. He doesn’t understand why I’m doing this, he doesn’t believe me. But he will. He’ll go home, he’ll talk to Joss, and then he’ll believe me. Joss doesn’t lie. Joss finds it hard to lie, she isn’t good with secrets, she’s not like me. So, she’ll tell Sam the truth. That she kissed Connor Sloane.

  “I love you, Sam…”

  He holds up his hands, he wants me to stop talking, he doesn’t want to hear how I feel about him. He doesn’t want to be reminded of what he did. What he caused.

  “Just – shut up, Summer. Shut up. I don’t know why you brought me here, why you told me what you did, but this stops. Okay? It fucking stops. You’re turning into a crazy person, and I need time…” He leans back against the door, drags a hand through his hair, his head turned away from me, and I watch as he sighs, as his shoulders sag. He’s beginning to realise he can’t run from this. He can’t bury his head in the sand, pretend it isn’t happening.

  “It isn’t going to go away, Sam.”