Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  It's my turn now. My feelings aren’t a secret anymore, I’m not hiding how I feel about her, anymore.

  It’s my turn now.

  You fucked up, Sam. She loved you, but you fucked up. And I’m taking your place, because it’s where I always should’ve been. Beside her. Inside her.

  I’m taking your place…

  93

  Sam

  Why was he never a threat before? Alex Olsson? Why did I just assume that he was nothing more than my wife’s best friend? I accepted him as part of her, because I thought that was okay. It’s not, okay. Not anymore.

  I watch as he leaves Connor’s office. The office my wife is occupying whilst Connor is away for a few days. She’s in charge of this school now. Joss Engström. The woman I love. The woman I cheated on. The woman I lost. She hates me so much now that she’s even dropped my name. Reverted back to her maiden name. The Swedish one. And that makes me nervous, that she seems to be turning back to everything she was before she met me. She’s going back to some Swedish island this coming weekend. The same place she’s just come back from, she’s going there again, with Alex. Why? Why go back after they’ve just returned? I feel my skin prickle, my stomach churn up with nerves and fear and a frustration I can’t shift, I’m still so fucking angry with myself.

  I lean back against the wall and watch as a steady stream of students file out of classrooms and head to their next lesson. I watch as Savvi passes me, her eyes meeting mine, and the look she gives me is pure hate. She hates me too. I can’t blame her. I haven’t just messed up my own life, I’ve messed hers up, too. I’ve messed her up so much she can’t even be in the same house as her mother right now.

  “Shit!” I mutter under my breath, briefly dropping my gaze, and when I look back up I see Alex is still hanging around outside the office. He’s still there, talking to Maggie. My wife’s best friend. A man who, according to Summer, is in love with Joss. Has he always been in love with Joss? Has she, maybe, always been in love with him? I mean, come on, it’s not right, for a man and a woman to be as close as they’ve been their entire lives and stay purely platonic… Jesus… have they slept together? Is that what went on last weekend? Is that why they’re going back there?

  I feel a rush of panic sweep over me and I head for the doors, I need some air. I need to breathe, and I only manage to do that once I’m outside. I stand still, I let the moment pass and I breathe.

  What I did to Joss, that was wrong. That was the biggest mistake of my life, one I’ll regret for as long as I live, but I will continue to fight for her until I have no breath left in my body. A fight that’s going to be harder than I thought, because I think there’s a threat here now that I hadn’t even considered before. One I’ve been too blind to see, but I see it now.

  I’m fighting for my wife, Alex. I’m fighting to the death, you aren’t going to win this one. You aren’t, going to win…

  94

  Connor

  For the first two nights he was home, I slept on Bobby’s bed, holding him in my arms. I refused to leave him. I still believed something could happen, to take him away from me again, I was scared. And he has to get used to having me around, much more than I have been for too long now. So, I slept on his bed. I held him. But I’m good now. I’m okay, I’m just getting used to the fact everything’s changed so quickly in such a short space of time. But it was nothing I wasn’t prepared for, although, I hadn’t thought his grandparents would want to be uprooted quite so quickly. They really love that little boy, and I’m happy they’re here, living with me and Bobby until they find a place of their own here in Newcastle. It helps Bobby, having them around. He needs continuity and routine and he’s been so used to them looking after him that suddenly tearing him away from them would have been detrimental, I can see that now. I can see so much, now. My son has helped bring everything back into focus. Being a dad has helped open my eyes.

  What happened with Joss seems like an eternity ago now, rather than just a few days. And although she’s still on my mind; I still think about that night, how she felt, how I felt. But I was right, to walk away from whatever it could have turned out to be. It wouldn’t have been fair on her. On me. On Bobby. But, yeah – I still think about her. All the time.

  I strap Bobby into his car seat and wait until Fiona settles in the back of the car beside him before I climb into the driver’s seat. We need to go shopping. I need things for Bobby, and it’s only now that I realise how grateful I am to have Fiona and Jack here. I would’ve stumbled through these first few days without them.

  I turn my head and smile at my son. My beautiful boy. And my heart breaks for Joss, for what she’s going through, because I don’t know what I’d do without Bobby.

  “Are you okay, Connor?” Fiona asks, and I smile. I’m fine.

  “Yeah. I’m better than okay.”

  I’ve got everything I want now.

  Everything I want…?

  95

  Joss

  I know that pushing Alex away like I’m doing – I know it’s wrong, and I’m not enjoying it. He just confused me, that’s all. I love him like the best friend he’s been my entire life, he’s the only one I can trust now. And I’m terrified of losing him. Because he can stick his head in the sand all he likes; he can refuse to listen, refuse to believe it, but if we have sex, if we cross that line we almost crossed last weekend, it could change everything. And I’m just not ready to lose him. I’ll never be ready, to lose him.

  “Joss?”

  Maggie’s voice pulls me from my thoughts and I look up. “Yeah?”

  “Savvi’s outside. She wants to know if she can have a word.”

  I check my watch, and I sigh quietly. I’ve got a meeting to go to, on Connor’s behalf, at the council offices in half an hour. “Send her in, Maggie. Thanks.”

  I start to rifle through some papers I need for the meeting, looking up only when Savvi walks in, her arms crossed against herself. She looks worried.

  “Hey, sweetheart. Everything okay?”

  “I need to tell you something, Joss.”

  I stand up and go round the front of the desk. “All right…”

  She’d seemed fine at breakfast this morning. We’d talked about the party she’s going to at the weekend, the little holiday cabin Alex and I are buying on Hönö Klåva; the painting her dad sent over from Norway as a surprise for her. A pre-exam present. She didn’t seem worried or pre-occupied, like she does now.

  “Promise you won’t get mad?”

  She looks at me, and I frown, but I find my fingers gripping tightly onto the edge of the desk behind me. “Why would I get mad? Savvi? What’s happened?”

  96

  Summer

  As a writer, I get to use my imagination. I get to create characters and scenarios the way I’d like to see them. I get to be the master of downfalls; the puppeteer. I decide who lives, and who dies, if necessary, for the good of the story. I have the power, to direct events. To make mistakes and then overturn them. I have the power, to make things happen. To create a happy ending. For everybody…?

  97

  Joss

  I sit back in my chair, and I watch as Savvi closes the door behind her. I shut my eyes and breathe in deep and I let that breath escape slowly. And then I sit forward, drop my head into my hands and I drag them back through my hair, sighing heavily.

  I pick up the phone and ask Maggie to convey my apologies for my absence at this morning’s meeting. I can’t go now. There’s something far more important I have to deal with here. Something that can’t wait.

  Taking another deep breath, I stand up and head out of the office; make my way to the sports hall.

  “Hey, Joss. You looking for Sam?”

  “I am, yes. Listen, Drew, can you take over on your own for a while? I need Sam for something.”

  “Is everything okay? Are you guys…?”

  “Everything’s fine. I just need to speak to him, that’s all.”

  “Okay, well,
he’s just through there, getting the kids ready for a five-a-side practice match.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Joss?”

  I swing back around to face Drew. “Yeah?”

  “I’m really sorry, to hear about what happened. What Sam did, I don’t agree with…”

  I hold up my hands to silence him. I’ve had enough conversations with enough colleagues to last me a lifetime. I’m tired of their platitudes, their concern, even though I know it’s only because they genuinely care. They were as shocked as I was to find out about Sam and Summer. I just don’t need to keep going over it.

  “The worst of it’s over. We’re all just trying to find a way to move on now.”

  I throw him a small smile, to let him know that I’m grateful for his kind words, and then I head into the main sports hall. Sam’s trying to sort a group of Year Nines into teams, and for a second I stand there, at the back of the hall, watching him at work. I remember, in the early days, how I’d used to sneak in here, when I’d had a free period and I knew he was teaching. How I’d stand right where I’m standing now, just watching him. Because he was incredibly hot, when he was in P.E. teacher mode. He still is, hot. But the fact he’s a cheat and a liar overshadows anything else, it cancels all the good shit out. It taints those happy memories, and out of everything, I think that’s one of the things I might hate him for the most. Tainting those happy memories, and leaving me only with ones that show my husband as a weak, pathetic man who thought with his dick, and allowed that moment to kill our marriage dead.

  A surge of anger rushes through me, and then I remember where I am. Why I’m here. And I call out his name, his expression one of surprise as he turns to face me.

  “Mr Coburn? Can I have a word, please?”

  He turns to the group of Year Nines, issuing instructions to one of them before he runs over to me. “Something wrong?”

  “I need you to come with me, to Connor’s office.”

  “I’ve got a class.”

  “Drew’s going to take over, I need you to come with me. Now.”

  He looks confused, but he follows me out of the hall, back to the office.

  I close the door, go back behind the desk and once more I breathe in deeply. Exhale slowly.

  “Joss?”

  I look up at him, keeping my eyes fixed on his. “Savvi’s just been in to see me.”

  He shrugs, and his expression remains confused. “So?”

  “She says you touched her. Inappropriately.”

  His expression turns to one of disbelief. “What?”

  “She says she stayed back, a couple of weeks ago, because you offered to help her with some work for a project she was having trouble with…”

  “She came to me, Joss. She asked me if I could help her, one-on-one…”

  “So, it’s true? That she stayed behind after school? That you and her were alone in your classroom?”

  “Yes, that bit’s true, but I didn’t touch her, Joss, I swear. She came on to me, that’s the truth. She’s got some stupid teenage crush on me, and she wanted to let me know that, she wanted me to know…”

  “Did you touch her, Sam?”

  “I’ve just said I fucking didn’t! Jesus Christ, can’t you see what she’s doing? I mean, she’s already apologised to me, for what happened…”

  “I have to take this seriously, you understand that, don’t you?”

  He comes closer, leans across the desk, and he’s angry now. Does he have a right to be? Or is it really fear he’s displaying? Is he too defensive? Trying to hide something? I don’t really know who my husband is anymore, so I’m not sure what or who to believe.

  “I told her she needed to leave, Joss. That nothing could happen between us, and I think she’s using that rejection now to get back at me, she wants to punish me, for sleeping with her mum.”

  I feel my stomach dip, bile rises in my throat as I listen to him talk about Summer. About what he did, with Summer.

  “And we haven’t even told her about the baby yet…”

  The way he said that – we haven’t told her about the baby, like they’re already this new family unit.

  He steps back from the desk, turns around, rakes a hand through his hair as he throws back his head. And then he turns to face me, and the look in his eyes – there’s fear in there, but I don’t think it’s fear because he did this. I think he’s frightened because he didn’t. He’s terrified of the repercussions something like this can cause. I think he’s telling me the truth, and it’s a situation that could be completely plausible, but I still need to be sure. I need to be certain.

  “Are you absolutely, one hundred per cent sure that nothing happened, Sam?”

  He holds up his hands, his eyes staring into mine, but then I realise that means nothing. How many times, over these past six months, has he looked into my eyes the way he’s looking into them now, and lied to me?

  “Nothing happened, Joss. I didn’t touch her, I swear.”

  “Does Summer know? That Savvi has a crush on you?”

  “I told her what happened, yes. I told her that she should think really carefully about upsetting Savvi…”

  “That was never going to be avoided, Sam. You should’ve known that.”

  He sits down on the arm of the couch, drops his head, clasps his hands together between his knees. “Did you honestly think I could’ve done something like this?”

  “Well, to be honest, I’m not sure what you’re capable of anymore.”

  He raises his gaze, his eyes once more meeting mine. “She’s just a confused kid, Joss.”

  “Because of what you and her mother did.”

  He looks away again, his shoulders dropping with the weight of a heavy sigh. “She’s trying to cause trouble, that’s all. She hates me for what I’ve done, and this is her way of getting back at me.” He stands up and walks over to the desk. “I might be a lot of things, Joss, but I would never, ever do anything like that. I would never put my career in jeopardy, never put a student at risk, that isn’t me.”

  “I don’t know what you are right now, Sam.”

  He holds my gaze, the room falling silent for a few, heavy beats.

  “I’m not that man, Joss.”

  I believe him. I don’t think he did what Savvi’s accusing him of, I don’t think he has it in him. “Okay. I’ll talk to Savvi again. But you, and Summer – you need to find a way to make whatever shit you’ve got going on work, for Savvi’s sake. Because she is quite obviously not handling this as well as we first thought. She is one angry kid right now, and she could’ve killed your career dead with that one accusation. Because she’s angry, at you. You rejected her, and then she finds out you’ve been sleeping with her mum. How else did you think she’d react? You should’ve come to me or Connor the second she’d said anything. You were careless, and it could’ve cost you.”

  “It hasn’t, though. Has it?”

  I narrow my eyes slightly as I stare at him. “It still might. If she chooses to take this further.”

  “But it isn’t true, Joss.”

  “Maybe not. But right now it’s her word against yours, and that alone is enough to wreck your reputation.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ…”

  He starts pacing the office floor, running his hand back and forth through his hair.

  “I’ll talk to her, Sam. Like you said, she’s just confused. We all are.”

  He stops pacing and turns to face me. “I’m so sorry, Joss. For everything. For fucking up, for putting you through so much shit, I’m so fucking sorry.”

  I look at him. A man I have loved for so many years, I fell in love with him the second I saw him. We were so good together, or at least, I thought we were. I was happy. Why wasn’t he?

  “Was it my fault, Sam? Did I do something – not do something that made you want to sleep with my friend?”

  He shakes his head, and his eyes, they’re almost desperate now. “No, baby. No. It was nothing you did, you did no
thing wrong. It was me. All of this, it’s all on me. I was weak and stupid and I let my dick do the thinking…”

  I look down, I don’t want to hear any more. I didn’t get him here to talk about us, I don’t want to talk, about us.

  “It’s done now. Isn’t it?” I slowly raise my gaze to meet his. “It’s over.”

  He shakes his head again, that desperation still evident in his eyes. “No, Joss, come on. Don’t say that. We can work through this…”

  “I can’t trust you anymore, Sam. And without that, without trust, we have nothing left.”

  “I love you, so fucking much…”

  “You should’ve remembered that, before you fucked Summer. We’re done here.”

  I sit down, I’m dismissing him. I need him to go, and I need Savvi back here.

  “Joss…?”

  “That’s all, Sam. You can get back to your class now.”

  98

  Sam

  Is she fucking kidding me? We were talking, for the first time since it all came out, we were talking. I felt like we could actually get somewhere, if she’d just let me try. But instead she shuts me down, refuses to listen to me. And I know I don’t deserve anything from Joss, she has every right to blank me in that way, but I can’t believe she’s willing to throw all those years of marriage away because I made one stupid mistake.

  I pull out my phone and head outside, sitting down on a low wall next to the entrance as I wait for Summer to pick up. It’s eerily quiet out here – and inside school – during lessons. It’s like everything closes down for a little while, and it’s just this heavy silence hanging in the air, waiting to be broken by bells ringing and kids stampeding down corridors.