It’s like we’ve suddenly fallen into a moment of calm. The eye of the storm. For a second everything stops, the world ceases to turn and it’s just me and Joss and nobody else even exists. It’s just us, and for that moment of calm I hold her tight because I don’t want our world to crumble or disappear, not yet. I’m not ready. I just hold her. I feel her heart beating against me, feel her breath on my shoulder and I fan my fingers out over her back. I’m still inside her, and we wait, for the eye of this storm to pass. For this tornado of emotions to start back up, which they do, almost as suddenly as they’d stopped. And I find myself once more thrusting into her, pushing her down onto me, clinging onto her as she grinds and spreads her legs wide so I can see all of her. That endgame is creeping ever closer now, I can feel it, I’m almost there, and all it takes is one more thrust, one more grind of her hips and I’m crying out, I’m coming so fast I can barely breathe.
She drops her hand, touches herself, and she throws her head back as her body shudders with the weight of her own climax. Every crazy-stupid thing I’ve ever felt for this woman is spilling out of me, into her, and she’s taking it. She’s taking me. Joss Engström. Best friend. The only woman I’ve ever truly loved. The only woman I’ll ever love.
Joss Engström.
Alex Olsson.
Finally, together.
Forever…?
110
Sam
It feels like a gang of builders are hammering away inside my head, and I close my eyes as quickly as I’d opened them. Shit! How much did I drink last night?
I sit up, slowly. Moving too fast isn’t going to work out well for me, and then I suddenly realise where I am, and I fall back against the mattress, flinging an arm across my forehead as I stare up at the ceiling. Did I really have so much to drink that I couldn’t make it home? Home… I don’t actually have one of those right now, do I?
I can hear her downstairs, singing along to the radio or the TV or something, I don’t think I really care. She sounds happy. But she would do, wouldn’t she? She, somehow, managed to get me to stay the night… did we do anything? Did we sleep together? I really can’t remember, but what does it matter anyway? There’s no more damage left to be done. I’ve already been there, made that mistake, and now I’m paying for it.
Turning my head I look at the clock. It’s almost eight-thirty. Still early, for a Sunday. I wonder what Joss is doing right now, over there, on her Swedish island. A place she feels she needs to run to now, to escape the crap I put her through. What’s she doing today? What did she do yesterday? What’s she doing right now? Did they sleep together? Her, and Alex? Best friends forever. Two people who grew up like brother and sister and the thought of him inside her makes me feel sick to my stomach. Has he? Been inside her? Has he touched her, kissed her, thrust his fingers into her while she cries out his name?
I sit up again, not caring that that one rapid movement has caused another wave of hammering and banging against the sides of my skull. I drop my head into my hands, drag them both back through my hair and I let out a long, frustrated sigh.
Did you go there, Joss? With your best friend forever? Did you let him, touch you? Did you fuck him; did he fuck you?
I need to know, but at the same time I want to know nothing. She has every right to move on, to find someone else, but the thought of her, and Alex…
I hear Summer running up the stairs and I jump out of bed – which causes another round of inner-skull-hammering that I swiftly ignore in my rush to get into the bathroom before she reaches the bedroom. I just manage it, and I take my time, I grab these few minutes alone to shower, to get my head together. And by the time I’m done she’s left the bedroom, but it’s just minutes before she’s running back up the stairs. She must’ve heard the shower switch off. I can’t really hide away again, can I?
“Hey! You’re up.”
“You should’ve woken me. I’ve got a match to get to at ten.”
I haven’t. That was yesterday, but she doesn’t need to know that. I’m just giving myself an excuse to get out of here.
“Oh… right. I didn’t know you had plans.”
“You didn’t ask. And I thought you said you needed to get back to the writing?”
“I do…”
“Then you won’t want me hanging around distracting you, will you?” I throw her a smile, I’m quite pleased with the quick ‘get-out’ I’ve just given myself. “Thanks for dinner last night, by the way.” I grab my jacket from the back of the chair by the bathroom door and make my way out of the room. “You have a good day, Summer.”
I’m almost out of the door, about to make my getaway, but her voice stops me in my tracks.
“Sam, hang on…”
I stand still, sigh quietly before I turn back around to face her.
“You must’ve stayed for a reason. Last night.”
“I had too much to drink.” I shrug. There is no other reason why I stayed. And I’m still sure I didn’t have that much to drink. “No other reason.”
She looks visibly hurt by that remark, and for a second I feel a little guilty, but then I remember how she’s systematically trying to engineer it so that Joss won’t even look at me anymore. And I can’t have that. I can’t have her standing in my way of one last chance to win back my wife.
“Take care of yourself. Okay.”
She folds her arms against herself and nods. She’s accepted that I’m going. She may have won last night but the ball’s back in my court this morning.
I love my wife. Simple as that. And when you love someone you don’t give up without a fight. Even if that fight is getting harder to win by the day…
111
Connor
“Aren’t you tired of being alone, Connor?”
I look up at Fiona as she hands me a mug of coffee and joins me on the wall that overlooks the lawned section of my back yard. Bobby’s playing soccer with his granddad, and Bobby’s winning. Every time.
“I’m not on my own, I have Bobby now. I have you and Jack. And I have my work.”
“You’ve always had your work, you’ve always put it first. Sometimes I think you use it as a distraction.”
“There was a time when I needed distracting.”
“But you don’t now, do you? You won, Connor. You got your son. And he has settled right in, it’s like he’s always been here. And Jack and I, we’re here to help ease the pressure. To help look after him so you can finally start to build that new life.”
I take a sip of coffee and smile at Bobby as he kicks a ball past his granddad into the small soccer net we bought him yesterday.
“You need to find yourself a nice young woman.”
“No, Fiona, I don’t. I need to concentrate on Bobby.”
“So, what? Your life is going to consist of working all day and evenings in the company of a toddler?”
“He needs my full attention.”
“He needs a daddy who’s happy.”
“I am happy.”
“I don’t think you are. I think you’ve put your life on hold for your son…”
“Isn’t that what fathers are supposed to do?”
“Not the way you’re doing it. You need other things, Connor, other people to talk to. Spend time with. Maybe even someone who will, one day, become a part of your family.”
I look down into my coffee. I think of Joss. I imagine her here, with me and Bobby. Living with us. Loving us. But that’s nothing more than a fantasy. An impossible dream.
“There is somebody, isn’t there?”
I look at Fiona. “It’s complicated.”
“So, find a way to uncomplicate it.”
“It really isn’t that simple.”
Joss Engström is my Deputy Head.
Married.
In the middle of a messy separation from a colleague.
She’s everything I want but don’t need, I can’t go there.
“It might be good for you, Connor.”
I shake
my head, because I really can’t, go there. “It’s too soon, Fiona. I need to concentrate on Bobby, just until we’re all settled. Until he has some sort of routine, you know?” I smile at her, because she needs to know how grateful I am that her and Jack are here. Helping me. I really do need them right now.
She’s not convinced, but she returns my smile and squeezes my arm. “Okay.” She stands up and looks over her shoulder at Bobby and Jack. “But you can’t be alone forever, Connor.”
“I don’t intend to be.”
I don’t, intend to be alone. Forever…
112
Joss
Do I feel different? I don’t know.
Do I regret sleeping with Alex? My best friend?
No. I think I feel even closer to him than I did before. More connected.
I lean back against the window-ledge and watch him through the open bathroom door as he showers. I suppose it does still feel a little strange, looking at him this way. Thinking about him, in this way. He was always beautiful to me, but now he’s even more so. I can’t take my eyes off him as he soaps his thighs, and I watch as he throws back his head; watch as the water cascades down over his naked body.
There’s a burning at my very core, a fire inside me that was snuffed out the second I found out about Sam and Summer, and I thought, maybe, that Connor could’ve been the one to relight it, but I don’t think he is. I think our timing was wrong, we weren’t in the right place, weren’t compatible, at this time in our lives. But Alex – I love Alex. I always have. Always will.
He switches off the shower and I drop my gaze, I look down at my fingers grasping the ledge behind me. And when I look up he’s back in the room, a towel tied low around his waist, his body still damp from the shower.
“You okay?” he asks, and I nod. And I smile, and he smiles back, which makes my stomach flip over what feels like a trillion times. Something that makes me feel both ridiculously happy, and incredibly nervous. I’m still so scared that this will change us, that it will damage what we already have. What we’ve always had. All our lives we’ve been Alex and Joss – best friends. Closer than brother and sister. Have we really crossed a line? Started something we can’t come back from?
I drop my gaze again, and I’m aware that he’s right in front of me now. He smells of apple shampoo and shower gel and I can’t help but look up at him, his blue eyes fixing on mine.
“You sure you’re okay?”
“What have we done, Alex?”
He pulls me into his arms and I press myself against him, he truly is the only person I feel safe with right now. The only person I can trust.
He kisses the top of my head, his fingers lightly stroking my back, and for a second it’s like the sex never happened. It’s just me and him, the best friends we’ve always been. And then it returns, like a swift kick to the solar plexus, the memory of his body inside mine, I can’t forget that. I don’t think I want to. I don’t, want to.
“It won’t change anything, Joss.”
“It has to.” I pull back, just far enough so I can look up into his eyes. “You can’t do what we did and not have it change something.”
“We’ll always be you and me, we’ll always be us.”
Maybe. Maybe it’s just me thinking too hard, almost willing it to change who we are. Can’t I just run with this, and see where it takes us? Isn’t that what he said we should do?
“I can’t lose you, Alex.”
He smiles again, rests his hand on my cheek as he leans in to kiss me. And I fall against him, losing myself in his kiss, in him. His arms hold me tighter, his body moulding itself against mine and I pull his towel away, feel his erection hard and throbbing against my stomach.
He pushes me back onto the window-ledge, spreads my legs with his knee and I reach out to grab hold of the curtains behind me as he enters me slowly, he’s sinking into me inch by inch and it’s a beautiful feeling.
I hook my legs around his hips, drawing him further inside me, until he’s all in. I can feel him, taking me over, filling me with everything that’s wrong. Why do I still think this is wrong…?
He slides a hand around the back of my neck, pushes my head forward so it touches his, our eyes locked together as he thrusts deeper into me, and I tighten my legs around him as I feel my skin start to tingle, that fire in my core burning up once more until I’m losing myself in a barrage of low moans and guttural cries, his as well as mine. I feel him pumping out into me, and I push him against me, I want all of him, everything he has, I need it. And even when he’s done I keep my legs wrapped around him, I want him close to me. I don’t want to let him go.
“What’s going to happen once we’re home?” I whisper, running my fingers lightly across his shoulder blades.
“Whatever we want to happen, Joss.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It really doesn’t have to be that hard.”
I let go of him; unwrap my legs from around him and slide down from the window-ledge.
“Joss?”
I turn around and I breathe in deep, an intake of breath so sharp it hits the back of my throat, an almost violent reaction that shocks me slightly. He’s beautiful, my best friend. Tall and hard with a body that literally takes my breath away.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
In every way possible, I love him…
113
Alex
I hold her hand as we look around the cabin that’s just days away from being ours. Our little piece of heaven in a place that’s become our hideaway. Our escape. Here we can be anyone we want to be, no-one will judge us; ask questions we don’t need to answer. We don’t need to explain anything, here. But back home people will talk. People will ask questions, they’ll want explanations, they’ll judge us. Even though we’ve done nothing wrong.
She lets go of my hand and heads into the compact kitchen at the back of the cabin. She runs her fingertips over the granite worksurface, looks out of the small window above the sink that overlooks the sea a little way off in the distance, and I’m desperately trying to read her face but I can’t. And I frown, because I’ve always been able to read her. Always known what she’s thinking, how she’s feeling.
I walk over to her, slide my arms around her from behind and she leans back against me.
“This place is so beautiful,” she whispers as her fingers slide between mine.
“And it’s almost ours.”
She turns her head slightly and her mouth catches mine. She tastes of cloudberry jam and coffee, her lime-scented perfume filling my nostrils.
“I wish we could stay longer,” I murmur into her hair and she squeezes my hand, lays her head against my shoulder as she looks out of the window again. “Maybe we could call in sick. Steal a couple more days.”
“What would that look like, huh?” She turns around and leans back against the sink, her eyes fixed on mine. “I’m the deputy headteacher, Mr Olsson. You should know better.”
I smile. She returns it. And I want to kiss her but I’m still not sure what we have here. What we are. And I think she feels the same, I can see it in her eyes.
“I told you sex would complicate things, Alex.”
I don’t think it’s complicated anything. Is that how she really feels?
I rest a hand on her hip and lean in to kiss her. She responds instantly, her fingers sliding into my hair, stroking the back of my neck. I love her so much, I’m terrified to leave here, to leave this. Us. Because we belong here, in this place. I’m not even sure if we exist back home.
I rest my forehead against hers, press my palm against her cheek and she lays her hand over mine. I close my eyes and breathe her in, I’m taking this moment. I’m banking, this moment.
“We’ll come back,” she whispers, and I open my eyes and smile at her. “We’ll have this place soon. Won’t we?”
“Yes. We will.”
Will we have us? I could take losing the cabin, I’m not s
ure I could take losing us. If there is an us.
“Joss…?” What do I say? What do I ask her, exactly? We had sex, that’s all… That’s all…? “We’re okay, aren’t we?”
She smiles and leans in to kiss me again, her lips brushing ever-so-gently over mine. “We’re always going to be okay.” She moves away from me, she’s ended that conversation. It’s over. “You’d better go have a word with the realtor before we leave. Make sure everything’s going through as planned.”
She has her back to me now, she’s over in the living area, checking out the view from the small square window.
When I was ten years old I told Joss I was going to marry her.
She’d laughed, but I was serious. Even then.
When I was ten years old, I told Joss I was going to marry her.
Thirty years later, I’m going to tell her again…
114
Connor
It’s a new day. A new week. A new start. The school is in the midst of its usual Monday morning mayhem, students cluttering up the corridors as they shelter from the rain outside. In a few minutes they’ll be heading to registration, but for now they’re just huddled in groups over their phones and tablets.
I make my way to the staff room, and she’s already in there. Joss. Sitting on her own at the table by the window, her chin in her hand as she stares outside. I quickly make myself a coffee and go over to her, smiling as she turns her head to look at me. She attempts a smile back but it doesn’t reach her eyes.
“How was Sweden?” I ask her as I sit down opposite. Maybe I should’ve asked her first, if I could join her, I didn’t even think.
She turns to look back out of the window. “It was good.”
I take a sip of coffee, and I watch as her gaze falls on Sam as he leaves his car and runs towards the school entrance. Her shoulders visibly tighten, and for a second she bows her head, but it’s brief. In a heartbeat she’s raised her gaze and she looks back at me.
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