“How was your weekend? How’s Bobby settling in?”
“It’s like he’s always been here. He’s fine, but I think that has a lot to do with Fiona and Jack still being around.”
“They seem like incredible people, to do what they’re doing, for you and Bobby.”
“Bobby comes first for them. For all of us.”
She turns her head as the staff room door opens and Sam walks in. Their eyes meet instantly, but she’s the first one to break the stare. “That’s why you aren’t ready for anything else, Connor. That’s why our timing was off.”
Her words sting, they frustrate me, yeah, I’m fucking frustrated. Our timing sucked, I lost my chance. “Maybe.” She seems sad. All of this crap with Sam, she doesn’t deserve it. I wish I could be the one to make her smile again, but it’s almost like I’m pulling myself back from even trying to find happiness. Because I’m scared of her rejecting me? Yes. Because I’m scared of her rejecting me. It isn’t just me anymore, is it? There’s Bobby. And she just might find it way too painful, to be around my son. “I’d better get back to the office. I’ve got a lot of phone calls to make.”
I push my chair back and stand up.
“Connor?”
I turn back to face her. She still looks sad, but she’s attempting another smile. It still doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m happy. That things are working out for you.”
“Yeah. Yeah, so am I.”
I could be happier.
115
Sam
I wait until Connor leaves and then I practically throw myself down in his vacated seat, her head shooting up the second I sit down.
“We need to talk, Joss.”
She immediately drops her gaze, concentrates on a pile of notebooks in front of her. “We don’t.”
“Are you really going to stand by and watch our marriage die?”
She slowly looks back up, and when her eyes meet mine, they’re blazing with a silent anger that almost makes me flinch. “Not here, Sam. Okay?”
“Then, when? Please, Joss, I am begging you now, just hear me out. Please.”
“Begging really doesn’t suit you,” she says, dropping her gaze again.
“I don’t care anymore, I’m willing to do anything – anything I have to to make you see that what I did, it was a mistake. A huge fucking mistake that I regret every day, baby, I am so, so sorry…”
Her eyes are back on mine, and this time the anger’s subsided, just a touch, but it’s receding. Fading. Am I finally getting through to her?
“It’s a mistake we can’t ignore, Sam.”
“I love you, so much…”
She doesn’t respond to that. There was a time when a day never went by when we didn’t tell each other how much we loved them. I never stopped loving her, even when I was fucking her friend… Jesus! What the hell was I thinking?
“Just go, Sam. Please.”
“One drink, Joss, that’s all…”
“Sam…”
I reach out for her hand, which she pulls back towards her. But I leave my hand where it is, keep my eyes fixed on hers, and when she finally allows the tips of her fingers to brush mine it fills me with a ridiculous kind of hope.
I love this woman, too much to walk away, so if I have to beg on bended knee for the chance to have five minutes of her time, then I’ll beg. I’ll fucking beg…
116
Alex
The second I walk into the staff room I see him, sitting there, pleading with her, and all I want to do is yank him out of that seat and away from her. I want to punch him, kick him, beat him to the ground for what he did to her. But instead I just watch as he begs, as he tries to take her hand. She refuses at first, she doesn’t want to touch him, but then she inches her hand forward, maybe she doesn’t even realise she’s doing it, but it happens. She touches him, and no matter how brief that touch was it still kills me, to see any kind of contact between them. He doesn’t deserve to even look at her that way again, he tossed that right aside the second he fucked Summer.
Joss Engström is mine now. She’s always been mine. I love her in a way nobody else can. Not Connor. Not Sam. No-one else will ever understand what the two of us have, and I’m not letting anything get in the way of that now.
I love her.
I need her.
I’m having her…
117
Summer
I’m numb. It’s like someone reached inside, got hold of my heart and squeezed the life out of it, I’m feeling nothing.
The doctor’s words ring in my ears. I’m not pregnant. I never was. A false positive, that’s what he called it, the result of the home testing kit. A false positive. Caused, he believes, after ruling out any other probable causes, by something as simple as the antihistamines I’ve been taking. I just assumed that I was pregnant, let my mind trick me into believing I was pregnant because the test had said I was. But this first visit to the doctor, this has floored me.
I pour myself a glass of water and close my eyes. I wanted to be pregnant, in the end. After the shock had worn off and the reality I thought was happening had sunk in. I wanted to be pregnant. Because I wanted Sam. That baby was the reason he’d come to me, eventually. The child he’d always wanted, I was supposed to be giving that to him. Now that reason has gone, it’s disappeared, it never even existed, but he doesn’t have to know that.
Placing the empty glass down on the counter I lean over the sink and take a few long, deep breaths. I was only a few weeks’ gone; assumed I was only a few weeks’ gone. I can still make it happen, this baby I need. Sam won’t come to me if he finds out there is no baby, no family on the way, he won’t come to me. He’ll continue this ridiculous fight for Joss, but I can still fall pregnant; juggle the dates around. I can still make him believe that that baby was always there.
What am I turning into? What kind of woman have I become? That I’m so willing to deceive and cheat and lie, I never used to be so cold. So calculating. I never used to feel so alone.
I fell in love with Sam Coburn.
I want Sam Coburn.
And I’ll get him.
Eventually.
Whatever it takes…
118
Joss
Alex gently grabs hold of my wrist as I pass him on my way to the staff room door. “What was all that about?”
I look at him. I missed him in my bed last night. I missed having his body next to mine, feeling his breath on my skin as he sleeps. “Nothing. Just Sam, wanting to talk. Again.”
“And, are you? Going to talk to him?”
I shake my head, but in reality I don’t know, if I’m going to talk to him or not. Maybe we need to talk, to sort out what happens next.
I look down, completely unaware that Alex’s hand has slipped into mine and I try to pull it away but he’s holding it too tightly. “Not here, Alex.”
“I missed you, last night,” he murmurs as he leans right into me, and this time I manage to wrench my hand from his.
“I said, not here.”
I want to touch him, I want to kiss him, we opened a box over there in Hönö Klåva, one I don’t think we can close now, so, yes, I want to touch him. I want to feel his naked skin against mine, feel him deep inside me but we can’t show those feelings here. We can’t let anyone know, not yet, not when we’re still so unsure of where we are ourselves. It’s too new, too confusing to share with anyone else, others that need to be told in private, first, before we even consider sharing this kind of news with the world.
“This is fucking crazy, Joss…”
He follows me down the corridor, falls into step beside me as I head towards my form room, kicking the door closed behind him the second we’re inside.
He takes the books I’m holding from me and places them on my desk, and then he takes my hand and pushes me back against the wall, and when he kisses me I give in, I have no choice, but to give in. The second his mouth touches mine I’m back in our place, where our secret is safe
and we can be these people.
“I couldn’t sleep,” he whispers, his hand snaking up under my top, his fingers touching my skin and I bite down on my lip, I feel like a teenager again. My stomach’s flipping like I’m on a first date, he’s right, this is fucking crazy. “All I could think about was you. Naked. Underneath me.”
“You need to behave, Mr Olsson.”
He grins, lets his fingers slide down over the curve of my waist and I close my eyes, I grab onto his belt, I pull him that little bit closer. And I kiss him again. I drown in the taste of him, I breathe him in, I love him.
“I’m all up for detention, Miss Engström.”
I laugh, my mouth still resting against his, and I want him so much it hurts. “Seriously, Alex, you really do need to behave. We’re at school.”
“Doesn’t that make it all the more exciting?” he murmurs into my neck, his fingers stroking the side of it as his lips brush that space just below my ear.
“No, Alex, come on. You need to go. The kids are going to be here in a minute.”
He smiles at me, and I take his face in my hands and I kiss him one final time before I open the door and practically push him out.
“Go see to your class, Mr Olsson.”
He throws me a grin over his shoulder and I lean back against the doorpost, watch him walk down the corridor, and there’s no shortage of female students’ heads turning as he passes them. They whisper to each other, and I know what they’re saying. Alex Olsson is hot. He is. I just didn’t realise that, until now…
119
Sam
“Where are you?”
Summer’s voice filters down the line, an edge to it that makes my skin prickle, and I sit back in my seat and sigh quietly, my eyes on the door. Joss isn’t here yet. She’s late. “I wasn’t aware I had to check in with you. It doesn’t matter where I am.”
“I need to see you.”
“Why?”
“We’ve still got a lot to talk about, Sam.”
I don’t think we have.
“Are you with Joss?” Her voice tightens as she asks that question.
“That’s none of your business.”
There’s a pause. A loaded silence. I’m hoping she’s finally getting the message. I’ll be there for the baby, but as far as she’s concerned – no. I don’t love her. I love Joss. I want my wife back.
“So, I’m assuming I won’t be seeing you tonight?”
She’s still talking like we’re together, like she has some kind of right to question my whereabouts. She has none.
I hear the pub door open and I look up just as Joss walks in, beautiful and proud, her head held high as she makes her way towards me. And I don’t even say goodbye to Summer, I just hang up; throw my phone down on the table and stand up as Joss approaches.
“Sit down, Sam, for Christ’s sake.”
She’s not going to make this easy. Did I really think otherwise?
“I’ve already got you a drink. Is that okay?”
She glances at the gin and tonic in front of her as she sits down opposite me.
“That’s fine. Thanks. What do you want, Sam?”
“You.”
I’m not pissing about, I don’t have time for that. And I keep my eyes firmly on hers as I wait for her to say something. But she doesn’t seem in any hurry to respond.
“You’re kidding me, right? You’ve dragged me all the way here to go over this shit again? I’m not doing this.”
She gets up, makes to leave, but I can’t let her do that. This could be my last chance. I can already feel her slipping away from me, and I need to hold onto her. So I reach out, grab her hand and she stares down at it.
“I said, I’m not doing this.”
“Please, Joss. Just five minutes…”
“What’s the point, Sam? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here…”
She turns to go, and I feel a panic rise up from the pit of my stomach. “I don’t love her, Joss, I never did. I love you…”
“And like I said before, that’s something you should’ve remembered before you slept with my friend.”
She pulls her hand away from mine, and I watch as my entire reason for living walks out of the door.
120
Alex
“You’re back early.”
And I’m pleased about that. I hadn’t wanted her to meet Sam tonight but it wasn’t my place to stop her.
“Yeah, well, I should’ve known it was going to be a waste of time. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think anything would be different.” She leans back against the sink and looks at me. “You can’t be here, Alex. Savvi’ll be home soon, and you need to get back to Danny.”
“Danny’s at Owen’s tonight. He’s staying over.”
“You can’t stay. Not with Savvi here.”
“I stay over all the time…”
“Things were different then.”
“Different, how?”
“Jesus, Alex, come on! We weren’t sleeping together.”
She turns her head away from me, folds her arms across her chest, it’s like she’s creating a barrier between us. And then she sighs, throws her head back, I can almost feel the tension flooding out of her.
“I’m sorry… I’m pissed off with Sam, angry at myself for going there tonight when I knew he’d have nothing new to say…”
“Why did you go?”
She looks at me. Right at me, and I feel something shift inside me that kicks up all kinds of nervous shit.
“I don’t know.” She shrugs. That doesn’t make me feel any better.
“Do you still love him, Joss?”
“You know the answer to that, Alex. I can’t just switch those feelings off, despite everything he’s done.”
She comes over to me, slips her arms around my waist, stands up on tip-toes and she kisses me.
“But you, Alex Olsson – I love you in a way I have never loved Sam. I will never love anyone the way I love you.”
“He’s always going to want you back, Joss.”
“Then he’s going to be wasting a lot of time.” She steps back from me, goes to pour herself a drink. “You should go. We’ve got school tomorrow.”
“I don’t want to go.”
“Savvi’s going to be home any minute now…” She looks out into the hall as the front door opens then closes. “And there she is… Hey, kiddo! Good night?”
Savvi looks at Joss, narrowing her eyes slightly. “I didn’t think you’d be back yet.”
“I shouldn’t have gone out in the first place.”
“What happened with Sam?”
“Nothing happened with Sam.”
“You don’t want to talk about it, huh?”
“No. She doesn’t.”
I answer that question for her, and Joss throws me a look. I throw one right back.
Savvi turns to face me. “Hey, Alex. Is Danny here?”
“He’s at Owen’s.”
“Oh, right. I might give him a call later. I need to ask him something.”
She doesn’t elaborate on that, just smiles at me. I smile back, and then I look at Joss again. She isn’t smiling.
“Have you had anything to eat?” Joss asks Savvi, and I watch her revert into surrogate parent mode, like someone just flicked a switch, and it kills me to think about what Sam and Summer have done to her. She would’ve made an incredible mum.
I watch as she makes Savvi a grilled cheese sandwich; watch as they chat away to each other and my heart breaks, it hurts. I love her so much, and if I’d only spoken up earlier, told her how I’d felt all those years ago…
“Alex?”
Her voice drags me back from those thoughts and I look at her. “Sorry?”
“Do you want a sandwich?”
I shake my head, and she throws me a smile, and I just want to take her in my arms and hold her close; keep her safe.
“I’m taking this up to my room,” Savvi says, picking up her sandwich and grabbing a
can of Diet Coke from the fridge. “I’m gonna go call Danny.”
Silence suddenly fills the kitchen, punctuated only by the sound of Savvi thundering up the stairs.
“Alex?”
I look at her, and she’s still smiling.
“Do you still want to stay?”
121
Joss
It’s a bad idea, because if he stays he can’t sleep in my bed, and that’s where I want him to sleep. With me. But he can’t. Not with Savvi here.
“I want to stay.”
He comes over to me, and he kisses me. His body presses against mine, and we shouldn’t be doing this, not here, not with Savvi upstairs, but I feel like we have so many years to catch up on. Years I wasted not loving him, like this; years wasted loving a man who’s hurt me so much I can’t ever forgive him.
“We can’t have sex, Alex.”
Even though I want to, Jesus, I want to.
“We can’t even share a bed. It’s too dangerous.”
“I’ll be quiet, I promise.” He smiles, and I smile back, tugging lightly on his shirt, I need to kiss him again. Just one more time, before we pretend we’re still just best friends. No-one can know about the benefits, not yet. I think it’s too soon.
“I’m being serious.”
“So am I,” he murmurs, nuzzling my neck, his breath warm on my skin, and I feel my stomach contract, my thighs burn for him.
“Alex, come on…” I push him away, I have to. We can’t do this. “Look, maybe it’s best if you don’t stay. I’m sorry…”
He’s kissing me again, long and deep and slow and I fall against him. “We’ll find a way, Joss. Okay? Like I said, I’ll be quiet.”
He steps back from me and he winks, shoves his hands in his pockets as he heads upstairs.
I lean back against the counter and smile.
I’m happy.
Tainted Love Page 26
