Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  For the first time since Sam killed our marriage dead, I’m happy.

  Alex Olsson makes me happy.

  And I love him.

  I do. I love him…

  122

  Connor

  I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Juggling being a dad alongside running a busy school, it’s exhausting. And if I didn’t have Jack and Fiona here to help me I’m not sure how I’d have managed. But I would’ve found a way. I have my son, and that’s all that matters to me now. Everything I do revolves around him, that’s the way it has to be. No distractions. Am I lonely? Yeah, of course I am. Do I still think about Joss? Every fucking day. What we could’ve had. Might’ve been…

  “Hey, are you busy?”

  My head shoots up as she pokes hers around my office door. And then she smiles and rolls her eyes.

  “Sorry. That was a stupid question, I know, I just need a quick word, if that’s okay?”

  I nod and beckon her inside as I get up and move out front of my desk. “Everything all right?”

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. But I’m not actually here for me, I’m here to ask a favour, for Alex. He’s busy covering a Year Nine maths class so I said I’d do his begging for him.”

  I frown. “Begging?”

  “He needs a couple of days off.” She sits down on the arm of the couch, and I can’t help noticing the way her skirt rides up just a little way over her thigh. “We’ve bought a holiday cabin on Hönö Klåva, the sale’s due to go through this week, and Alex – he wants to make sure everything’s finalised properly.”

  “You’ve bought a place in Sweden?”

  Should I be surprised? She’s buying a place in her home country, with her best friend, is that unusual?

  “It’s just somewhere for us to stay, when we go over there. We’ve kind of fallen in love with the place all over again, so…”

  She stops talking and drops her gaze for a second or two; stares down at her clasped hands. Is something wrong? Why’s my stomach churning? Why do I feel like she’s about to tell me something I don’t want to hear? But then she looks back up at me, and she smiles, and whatever that moment was, it’s gone.

  “One of us needs to go over there and sort out the final details of the sale in person and, you know, he’s better at that kind of thing than me.”

  “Just a couple of days?”

  “Just a couple of days. He’ll be back on Friday.”

  “Okay. That’s not a problem.”

  She stands up and throws me another smile. “Thanks, Connor. And I’ll help cover his classes, don’t worry.” She makes her way to the door, but then she stops and turns back to face me. “How’s Bobby?”

  “He’s doing good. He’s started nursery now and… we’re getting there.”

  Her eyes meet mine and for a second I feel like something might be possible here, and then I remember the reality we’re both living in right now.

  “And, how are you?” she asks, and I smile slightly.

  “I’m okay.”

  There’s another moment, when her eyes meet mine and that hope rises up again, but I quickly push it aside.

  “Good.” She smiles, and then she turns and leaves and I’m left wishing things were different. Some things. Not everything…

  123

  Alex

  “You ready to go yet?”

  She looks up from her marking as I poke my head around the classroom door. “Two minutes then I’m done. Promise.”

  I come in, close the door behind me. It’s almost seven 0’clock, the school’s eerily quiet. Most of the staff went home hours ago and the students are long gone, but Joss – she doesn’t always like going home too early. Not since Sam left. I know she has Savvi now, but she isn’t always there and Joss feels like she can’t ask me to be around all the time, because of Danny. She gets lonely. She shouldn’t be lonely, she has me.

  I lean back against her desk and fold my arms as she finishes the last of her marking.

  “You didn’t have to hang around you know.”

  I turn my head slightly to look at her. “I know. I wanted to stay. Thought you might want to grab something to eat on the way home.”

  She stands up, comes around the front of the desk and steps between my legs. I slide an arm around her waist and pull her against me.

  “I’m really tired, Alex. I just want to go home, drink wine and chill out.”

  “Want some company?”

  She smiles, pulls me closer by my shirt collar and she kisses me. I drop a hand to her bottom and I kiss her back. My beautiful best friend.

  “Yeah. I’d like that.”

  I’m going to Sweden tomorrow, I’m not spending tonight away from her. “I’m staying over, okay?”

  She looks up into my eyes, she nods, she kisses me gently. “Okay.”

  “You’re not worried about Savvi?”

  “She’s at Grace’s tonight.”

  “All right. I’ll call Danny, tell him he’s got the house to himself.”

  “Alex…?”

  I cup her cheek, kiss her slightly open mouth, I don’t want her to change her mind. I need her tonight. I need her, period.

  “I’m staying over, Joss. No arguments.”

  “I wasn’t going to argue. It’s just that… this is still…” She trails off, and when I look at her the uncertainty in her eyes hits me for six. “I never, ever want to lose you, Alex, but this…”

  “Hey… who says you’re going to lose me? We’ve been over this, Joss, nobody’s going anywhere…”

  “We’ve crossed a line…”

  I shut her up with a kiss and she presses herself against me; she responds with a kiss that’s a little harder, a little deeper and I swing her around, lift her up onto the desk. I need her now, right now, and she doesn’t fight it. She plays along, wraps her legs around me as I take her; as I push inside her, feel her grip me tight and squeeze me hard, Jesus, I love this woman so fucking much!

  It’s fast, frantic sex, dangerous sex, we could be caught. The school might be quiet now but there’s no guarantee we’re alone. And I think that only heightens the situation, that element of danger is exciting.

  “You are going to get us into so much trouble, Mr Olsson,” she whispers, her lips touching mine as she speaks, and I smile; I thrust into her again, I reach down, I touch her until she comes in my arms, her low groans muffled as she buries her face in my shoulder. And I hold onto her as I come, too. I grip her tight, sink my fingers into her skin, I kiss her to drown out my own cries, and when we’re done we look at each other. And we laugh.

  I love her.

  My best friend.

  I love her…

  124

  Sam

  It’s like watching the worst kind of movie. You want to look away, but you can’t. You put yourself through it because you don’t want to believe what you’re seeing, even though you know it’s very, very real. It’s happening.

  My wife, and her best friend. A man I’d always assumed she thought of more as a brother, considering their history, but she’s not treating him like a brother right now. You don’t fuck a man you think of as a brother. She’s fucking Alex Olsson. He’s inside my wife, and I want to walk away from this because after what I did – I have no right to be angry at her, for anything. She is free to sleep with whomever she chooses. But she chose Alex. And for some reason that hits me hard, even though Summer warned me about this. She put that possibility in my head, she had her suspicions that Alex and Joss were more than just friends. For how long, though? How long have they been sleeping together? Was she fucking him way before I started sleeping with Summer? Have they been using that whole best friend front as a way of hiding the reality behind their relationship?

  I close my eyes briefly as she drops her head, buries her face in his shoulder, and when I open them they’re laughing. They look happy. Relaxed. And I should be glad, that she’s happy, after what I did to her. But I’m not. I’m jealous and bitter and angry, at my
self, not Joss. Not Alex. I’m angry with myself, for being the kind of man I became.

  I leave them to it, I can’t watch any more. I’d wanted to catch Joss on her own, I’d wanted to make her listen to me, once and for all. Make her see that I can’t make sense of shit anymore, not without her. But I think I might be too late now. I’m too late…

  125

  Summer

  There never was a baby, but Sam doesn’t need to know that. I can still make this work, still make him believe I’m the one he needs to be with. Because I know he met with Joss last night. I know he saw her, and I know she saw that meeting as a mistake. Maybe she thought there was still something there, between her and Sam, but there isn’t. And of course I’m scared that if he finds out there never was a baby he’ll walk away, shun me just like everyone else has, and that thought terrifies me.

  I watch him as he sits on the edge of the couch, nursing a whisky. I didn’t ask him to come over, but I’m glad that he did, even if the only reason he’s here is because he’s angry and upset. He’s here, because he saw Joss and Alex, together, and that’s thrown him. And I’m secretly pleased, of course I am. Joss and Alex together, that’s exactly what I wanted. She’s moved on, and Sam’s seen that with his own eyes now, it’s going to make my life that little bit easier. But everything I do now – I can’t tell him there never was a baby. And I can’t count on him sleeping with me, I think he’s too fragile right now for me to make that move, so I need to think fast, think of another way to make him stay with me, even if there is no baby.

  “I did warn you, Sam.”

  I sit down on the chair opposite him, and I watch as he raises his gaze, his eyes meeting mine. “I didn’t want to believe it.” He downs a mouthful of whisky and turns his head away from me. “I really have lost her, haven’t I?”

  “You lost her a long time ago.”

  He gets up, walks over to the fireplace. He scans the row of photographs I have standing on the mantlepiece. “You still have photos of us all together.”

  It isn’t a question. He’s pointing out a fact, and yes, I do still have photographs of us all together. When things were different. But that isn’t deliberate, I just haven’t got around to changing things. Not yet. I will, though. I’ll change those photographs, replace them with new ones. New memories. Memories we’ll make once we’ve left this place, started a new life somewhere else, away from here.

  He picks up one of the photographs and I join him at the fireplace. He’s holding a photograph of Joss and Alex. He’s trying to work out whether they were sleeping together back then, I can see it on his face, but I don’t think they were. I think Alex wanted to, I’m almost certain now that he’s had feelings for Joss for a lot longer than any of us have realised. But Joss – she loved Sam too much to even suspect that her best friend could have been in love with her.

  “Let her go, Sam.”

  I carefully prise the photograph from his hand and lay it back down on the mantlepiece.

  He swallows the last of his whisky and slams the glass down on the table beside him. “I’d better go. I don’t know why I came here…”

  “You came here because you have nowhere else to go now.”

  He stops. He looks at me. I think he might finally be starting to realise that’s true. But then he shakes his head, and I feel my stomach sink. “No, Summer. I might’ve lost Joss, but that doesn’t mean I have to settle for you.”

  And that’s it. That’s all he says. He doesn’t have to settle, for me…

  He turns and walks away, and I know I have to do something quickly now. Time really is running out…

  126

  Joss

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Alex asks as I potter around the kitchen, putting together a quick dinner for the two of us with whatever I can find in the fridge.

  “I want to come with you.” I turn around and smile at him. “But we can’t both skip school.”

  He smiles back and I feel my stomach dip, a beautiful sensation, one that’s becoming more familiar every time I look at him. That love I’ve always felt for this man, it’s changing now, and as much as I’ve tried to fight it, I can’t. I don’t want to. Not anymore.

  I turn back around, start to fix a salad, but the second I feel his hands on my hips, his mouth on the side of my neck, I drop the knife. I close my eyes. I give in.

  “When I get back, let’s tell everyone, Joss. Let’s get this out in the open, let’s just do this. Okay?”

  I reach back, slide my fingers into his hair, lean back against him as his hands slide up under my dress. “Okay.” What’s the point in keeping it a secret any longer? I’m never going back to Sam, everyone knows that. And I love Alex, I’ve always loved Alex, it’s just that, now, I love him in a very different way. I think I might be in love, with Alex. Now.

  “And, to be honest,” he murmurs into the back of my neck, “I’m not sure it’ll be a complete surprise to everyone at school. Some of them probably think we’ve been sleeping together for ages.”

  I laugh quietly, gasp loudly as he touches me. There’s a part of me that’s still terrified I could lose this man, if this all goes wrong, but there’s another part of me that knows this could never go wrong. We won’t let it.

  He continues to touch me, his fingers slowly bringing me to a calm and quiet climax and I shudder in his arms, pull gently at his hair as my knees buckle slightly. And then he lets go of me, he steps back, and I lean forward; grip the edge of the countertop, drop my head as I catch my breath.

  I open my eyes and turn around, I lean back against the counter and I smile at him. “Go get cleaned up. Dinner’ll be ready soon.”

  He returns my smile, he comes over to me, slides a hand around the back of my neck and he kisses me. I tuck my fingers into his belt and I pull him closer, I kiss him back.

  “Marry me, Joss. Get Sam out of your life, and marry me.”

  I rest my forehead against his, touch his cheek with my fingertips, and I smile again. “You wanted to marry me when we were ten years old, remember?”

  “And I still want to marry you now.”

  “You do?”

  “I do.”

  “Okay… I’ll marry you.”

  “You will?”

  “Yeah, I will.”

  He laughs, pulls me against him, and I feel like a whole new future is starting to open up in front of me. Thanks to this man.

  I’m going to marry my best friend.

  I’m going to spend the rest of my life, with my best friend.

  It was never going to end any other way…

  127

  Alex

  I’d always dreamt about proposing to her in a slightly more romantic way, but time – and recent events – have shown me that sometimes you just have to grab that chance when it arises. I want to marry her. I’ve wanted to marry her since I was ten years old, she’s right, and once Sam is out of her life for good, we’ll finally be together.

  “You okay?” I ask her as she picks at her food, her head down.

  She slowly looks up, and she smiles. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

  “No second thoughts?”

  “About marrying you?”

  “About marrying me.”

  She shakes her head. “No. No second thoughts.”

  I smile back, and she drops her gaze again, and I wonder if she means that. If she really doesn’t have any second thoughts. This has all happened pretty fast, shouldn’t I be having second thoughts, too? I’m not.

  “What’s on your mind, Joss?”

  That’s probably a stupid question but I want her to talk to me, if she needs to. If she wants to.

  She raises her gaze and her eyes meet mine. “I don’t know. There’s so much going on in my head right now, and the only thing…” She breaks off, briefly looks back down again, but only for a couple of seconds before her eyes are back on mine. “The only thing that makes sense now is you. And me.”

  I smile again and reach a
cross the table for her hand. “Come with me, Joss. Be a bad girl, skip school, come and spend a couple of days drinking brännvin and having sex.”

  “With you?”

  “Yes, with me, you a comedian now?”

  She squeezes my hand before she lets it go and stands up; starts clearing the table. “I can’t go, Alex. I need to be at work.”

  I watch her for a few seconds, the way her shoulders seem to stiffen, am I reading something into nothing here? Or am I just worried that now we’re so close to finding our happy-ever-after, I’m leaving her alone with Connor Sloane? With Sam? She’s still quite fragile where Sam’s concerned. She might tell me otherwise, but I know she still isn’t over him. Maybe she never will be, that kind of betrayal cuts deep. And Connor, he was her distraction, wasn’t he? No… I shouldn’t be worried about Connor. He’s got his own distraction now, his son, he has no room in his life for Joss and the baggage that comes with her. He doesn’t need that. What those two had, it didn’t have time to amount to anything.

  I get up and go over to her; take the plates from her hand and lay them down on the counter. “Let’s go to bed.”

  She looks up at me. She smiles, and I’ve never felt so ridiculously happy and so fucking scared, all at the same time, those emotions are overwhelming.

  She takes my hand, she holds it tight; she stands up on tip-toes and she whispers in my ear, that she loves me. And that’s all I need to know. That she loves me…

  128

  Joss

  I turn onto my stomach and close my eyes, I don’t want to see I just want to feel – his fingers dancing over my naked skin, his lips brushing over my shoulder blades, the heat of his body as it lies over mine.

  What once felt a little strange now feels like the most natural thing in the world – Alex, making love to me. His hand slides up over my waist, skims the side of my breast and I shiver as his fingers slide between mine on the pillow. I gasp quietly as he pushes inside me, his other hand on my stomach, the weight of his body bears down on mine as we lie together.