A little after noon it began to rain. Since I’d checked out of the motel, I knew I didn’t have many choices of sticking around. The truck was bigger than I was used to driving; at least I would be on country roads the whole way.
To say that I was reluctant to see Ford again would have been an understatement. He’d left me at the beach to run after some friend. For all I knew, he’d hooked up with his ex. She was the one who had come to the door and argued with him. It didn’t even matter, really. When he wrote me that note he knew whatever was happening between us was over. I needed to get that through my head and forget about it.
After the long drive I was happy to pull into the auto repair shop and see my car sitting in the parking lot. I hoped that the keys were in the car, but figuring since I hadn’t paid yet, I’d have to go in and face him.
The doors to the shop were locked and the lights were turned out. It was weird since it was still early, but maybe they closed on certain days. Without another choice, I knew I’d have to knock on Ford’s apartment door to get my keys. I climbed the metal stairs and knocked twice. While waiting for him to answer, I felt like I was going to vomit. What was I supposed to say to him? Could I even look him in the eyes?
My heart started beating out of my chest as I heard the doorknob turning.
Ford wasn’t the person standing on the other side. It was Ashley and she was wearing only an oversized t-shirt. “What do you want?”
“Is Ford here?”
She looked behind her. “He’s indisposed.”
I looked down so she couldn’t see my reaction. He’d left me to screw his ex after he’d lied and told me that she meant nothing to him.
Men suck!
“I brought his truck back. Do you know how I can get my keys?”
“Hold on.” She left the door wide open and walked over to the kitchen. My keys were on the table, so she picked them up and brought them to me. “Anything else?”
“I need to pay for the repairs.”
She raised her eyebrow. “From what I hear, you already did. Did you really think he was a nice guy? Ford isn’t nice and nothin’ he does is out of the kindness of his heart. You gave him exactly what he wanted.”
I thought about what she said but then felt like I needed to defend myself. “If he’s that bad, why are you with him?”
“We have history.”
I pulled out a hundred bucks and put it in her hand. “Tell you what, you take this money and tell Ford to shove it up his ass for all I care.” When I walked away I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. I managed to get my car unlocked and started it up before I lost it again.
Had everything we shared, including our chemistry, been some game to him? I felt ill again, considering that I’d been used in the worst way. I’d given him my body without thinking that I meant nothing to him. How had I let my self-respect go out the window like that?
I drove for at least an hour before I pulled over. It was important for me to get as far away from Ford’s town before I broke down. The one good thing was that nobody had to know what really happened between us. I could tell myself that it was nothing and move forward. I could forget about him and hate him, just like I was going to do with Mack.
I’d left for the beach wanting to forget about my cheating ex. I’d come back with a broken heart from a man I barely knew anything about. Men were all the same and it was time that I accepted it.
Ford
From the moment I climbed into my cousin’s car, I missed her. I looked out the window while he drove and thought about the way her smile brightened up the room. I thought about the way her hair smelled when the breeze blew it around. I recalled her tiny fingertips and how they felt when they drug across my skin. Hell, I even smelled my fingers hoping to still have her scent on me.
It was pathetic, I knew, but I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I didn’t want to.
This convoluted rescue mission was fucking up another part of my life. How much more could my deadbeat mother take away from me?
The place she’d been staying at wasn’t even a real dwelling. On the door were signs that the building had been condemned. We entered through the broken door and walked through a hallway full of people sprawled out. I’d never seen so many junkies in real life before. A part of me wondered if they were going to stick us with dirty needles as we walked by them.
Shayne wasted no time asking a couple of people where she was. We found her moments later in a room with three other women. Two were on the bed with her passed out. A candle illuminated the nightstand and needles, spoons and plastic baggies were all over it. The woman didn’t look at all how I remembered her. She was frail and skinny. Her bones stuck out everywhere. When Shayne called her name, she didn’t even flinch. I almost thought he had the wrong person.
“Ford, we’re goin’ to have to carry her.”
I looked at him, wondering how many times he had said my name. This couldn’t be really happening; it had to be a bad dream. “What do you want me to do? This bitch is stoned out of her mind. Clearly she ain’t too concerned about owing someone money.”
“Damn it, Ford, she’s your mother.”
“No, she’s not. My mother’s dead.” I didn’t care if she heard it. Seeing her like that made me sick. I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
Shayne punched me in the gut before I could see it coming. “Say that again, you cocksucker. She is your mother whether you like it or not. Pick her up or I am goin’ to kick your ass and leave you in here with all these junkies.”
I grabbed her feet and she started to come to. “What’s happening?” Her words slurred.
“We’re gettin’ you out of here, Aunt Mary. Just hang on.”
The woman’s eyes peered at me and I knew she recognized me from the way they opened. I looked away, unable to face the fact that she was so far gone.
Ashley opened the car door and helped us get her into the backseat. Once she was secured, she passed out again. I had to step away from the car to gather myself enough to make the drive back. Nothing could have prepared me for seeing her in that condition.
Ashley walked over and tried to comfort me. She put her arms around me and hugged me from behind. “Are you okay?”
I let her hold her arms there, since she knew I was dealing with things. Even though I didn’t want to be with her, I appreciated her caring enough to stick around to help. “Yeah. She’s just…I don’t even know what to say. She’s fucked up. That ain’t my mother, Ash. I don’t know that person in the backseat.”
She let go and came to face me. I felt her grabbing my hand and looked her in the eyes. “We can’t just leave her like this, Ford.”
I pulled away. “This is a nightmare! I came here to relax and instead all this shit started happenin’. Now I have to take my strung out mother home to my dad, who isn’t goin’ to know what to do for her. I could kill my uncle for puttin’ this shit on us.”
“Shayne said that she wasn’t so bad until she found out about Harley. He said it sent her off the deep end. They’ve been tryin’ to keep track of her, but you can imagine how hard it is when she doesn’t want to be found. If she hadn’t messed up and not paid her supplier, they would have never found her.”
“Ash, I hate that woman. She ruined my life. She’s not a mother and I don’t want to hear that she was broken up about Harley. She doesn’t have a fucking right to say her name. She lost that privilege the day she walked out on us.” I ran my hand through my hair, picked up a rock and threw it as far as I could. “That woman is as dead as my sister. You hear me?”
When we got back into the car, I said nothing to either of them. The junkie in the backseat, who gave birth to me, never opened her eyes. I didn’t look back to check on her much, considering it made me sick each and every time. The fact that she’d done that to herself was appalling.
We arrived at the auto shop at daybreak. My father came out to meet us, with my uncle beside him. Apparently, I’d been the only on
e left out of this plan until the last minute. I wasn’t sure what pissed me off more. The fact that they’d planned it without me, or that they expected me to be okay about it.
Once the car was in park, I got out and went right up to my apartment. I didn’t help them get her out, or say a single word to my family. They needed to know where I stood when it came to helping her.
Was I being an asshole? Maybe I was.
All I knew was that I watched my mother walk out of our lives and never look back. I never got birthday cards or Christmas presents. I never got phone calls or an "I love you". She was never there to hug me or congratulate me.
SHE WAS NEVER THERE!
I downed a bottle of Jack that someone had given me last year for my birthday, before plopping down on my bed. I wanted everyone and everything to disappear.
I woke up running to the toilet, because I felt like I was going to throw up. When hands reached down and touched me I looked up to see Ashley standing there with no clothes on. “Are you okay?”
I spit in the toilet and sat on the cold floor. “What the fuck are you doin’ here? Where are your clothes?”
She smiled. “You took them off, don’t you remember?”
I covered my face with my hands. “Fuck!” I shook my head, but refused to look at her. “No, I don’t remember. You’re kiddin’ right? I think if I did then I would have known…” I could see it in her eyes that she was hurt I didn’t remember. Then I looked down at my body and realized I had nothing on either. “Shit! How much worse can this fuckin’ day get?”
I stood up and started the shower, hoping Ashley knew me enough to get the fuck away from me.
The water beat down over my head and I just stood there trying to get a grip on the last twenty-four hours. So much had happened and the only thing that came to my mind was Sky. I wondered where she was and if she was thinking about me. I wondered if I’d gotten so drunk that I thought I was with her again, instead of Ashley.
When she came to get her car I had to talk to her. I had to tell her that I’d be willing to drive anywhere to see her. I wanted her to know that if I had a choice, I would still be at that motel with her in my arms.
Everything else that had happened meant nothing to me. Ashley may have taken advantage of me being inebriated, but she was about to get a rude awakening. We were done, as far as I was concerned.
I had to talk to Sky. She was the only person who could take away my pain. I wanted, no I needed, to be with her again.
Chapter 12
Skylar
The pain that ripped through my heart didn’t just go away. When Mack showed up at my room the moment I got back I knew I couldn’t handle being there either. Without regard for my upcoming classes, I packed up my things and called my parents to tell them that I wanted to come home. To say that they were pissed would have been an understatement. The only thing that kept them from telling me to grow a set was that Mack cheating on me hurt them too.
When Mack saw me loading up my car, he tried to talk me out of it. “What are you doing, Sky?”
“I’m getting the hell out of here!” I tossed the last box in the trunk and shut it.
He grabbed my arm and tried to get me to look at him. “Sky, please. I love you. I don’t want you to leave. I made a mistake, but we can work things out. Weren’t you happy with me? Don’t you want our future together?”
I pulled away from him and leaned on my car, knowing damn well that he wasn’t going to let me leave. “I can’t even picture a future with you, because when I close my eyes all I see are you banging two ghetto sluts.”
He chuckled and tried to grab me again. “Babe, I was drunk. It meant nothing. You’re all I care about. I swear it won’t happen again. I drove all that way to be with you, to make up.”
I opened my car door and tried to hide the tears that were falling down my face. “I can’t do this with you. We’re done! It’s for the best.”
“You cheated too, you know. Don’t even try to deny that you hooked up with that dude from the beach. I saw you with him.”
I threw up my hands. “We weren’t even together. Even if I did sleep with him, I didn’t cheat. It doesn’t even matter. I’m never going to see him again.”
Mack put his leg in between my body and the door, preventing me from being able to get in. “Let’s start over. Just give me another chance. I won’t do it again. Don’t throw away all of our years together.”
I shook my head and wiped away more tears. “You don’t get it. I’m tired of hurting. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. You did this to me, Mack. You broke my heart.”
He pulled me into his chest and I stopped fighting him. I needed to feel comfort, even if it was from someone that I was so angry at. Mack may have broken my heart, but he was also someone that could make some of that pain go away.
As soon as I felt him holding me, I thought about Ford. He’d made me feel safer than I ever did with Mack, not that it even mattered. Ford was a stranger that I’d probably never see or hear from again. He was a memory that would fade with time. Whether he’d used me or not was irrelevant. His touch would be something that always brought me comfort. With my eyes still closed I pretended that Mack was Ford. It made it easier to take.
We stood outside of my dorm room for a long time before I finally caved and let him come inside with me. When my roommate saw him with me, she got up and left without a single word. I almost wished she would have intervened. I knew I was making a mistake, but I couldn’t stand the idea of being alone.
Mack sat down on my bed and pulled me onto his lap. He kissed me tenderly on the top of my head while I cried. The sad part was that I wasn’t certain my tears were for him at all. The more I thought about Ford, the more I missed him. How could I be experiencing such deep feelings for a stranger?
Mack grabbed my face and kissed me on the lips. Once again, I pretended he was Ford kissing me. Each stroke of his tongue reminded me of how much of a better kisser Ford was. When he groped me with his hands, I thought about Ford’s calloused hands touching me there. I was getting turned on thinking of Ford touching me, while Mack was the one doing it.
It was sick and depressingly sad that I had resorted to these sorts of actions. I felt like if I let go of Ford that I’d never feel that alive again. When Mack reached down my shorts, I had to stop him. I couldn’t have sex with him so soon after being with Ford. It wasn’t right and I already felt like a whore for everything I’d done in the past few days. “I’m not ready for that.”
Mack pulled away, looking disappointed. “You seemed pretty into it.”
I stood up and walked over to the window. “Well, I changed my mind.” I ran my fingers over my temples. “Look, I need time to think about things. I can’t just pretend nothing happened to get us to this point.”
“So, you’re just going to leave?”
I waved my hands around, expressing my frustration. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Can you please just consider that things are messed up for me right now? I need space.”
He stood up and looked at me. “Is that because of that guy? Who was he, Sky?”
How did I answer that? I knew it shouldn’t have anything to do with Ford, but it had EVERYTHING to do with him. “Please, Mack. I need to get out of here for a couple days without you following me. I’m going home.”
“Are you sure you aren’t going to see him again?” It pissed me off that he thought he had a right to be jealous, after what he’d put me through.
“I’m not going to see him. I don’t even know his phone number.” I regretted that part. “There is no other guy. He was just someone I met at the beach,” I lied.
He pulled me into his arms again and placed his forehead against mine. “Promise me that you’ll think about being with me again. I can’t live without you, Sky. You mean everything to me.” He kissed me on my nose. “I need you and I am so sorry for hurting you this way. I’ll do anything to have you back, babe.”
I stepped back, l
eaving him standing there watching me. “I appreciate that you feel that way. I just need to have a clear head before I make a decision like that. I hope you can understand.”
For the first time, I saw Mack starting to tear up. I don’t know why, but I wanted to laugh. Did he think those tears were equivalent to mine? Did he think that if he shed some of his own I would drop down on my knees and give him head? Emotions weren’t a game and I had no remorse when it came to that. He’d cheated because he wanted to fuck someone else. After experiencing Ford, I wondered if Mack was just as unhappy as I was. Maybe we weren’t compatible with each other and because of that we’d never been completely satisfied.
Mack saw me to my car and waved as I drove away. I tried not to get emotional, but it was ridiculous to think I could control my feelings that way. My heart was shredded and I wanted to run until I felt nothing.
Ford
Consumed with guilt. That’s what I was.
I felt guilty for sleeping with Ashley. I felt guilty for being a dick to my mother. The worst guilt came when I thought about leaving Sky. After I’d gotten myself over sleeping with my ex, she let it slip that Sky had already come to get her keys, while I was in the shower. I didn’t have to wonder why she didn’t stick around, since Ashley was barely dressed when she answered the door.
That was it. Sky had walked out of my life just as fast as she walked in it. With no phone number and no other way to reach her, my chances of ever seeing her again were over.
Ashley still hadn’t left and since the damage had already been done, I didn’t make a big deal about her leaving. I was still pretty drunk and liked the idea of not being alone. She didn’t try to touch me. I guess she realized that we didn’t screw because I secretly wanted it. She kept to herself, lying on the bed next to me watching television. I put a pillow over my head and tried to go back to sleep, but my head was starting to pound. I turned over and looked at my ex. “Ash, did she look sad?”
She shrugged but didn’t take her eyes off of the television.
“Would you look at me. I need to know. Did she look upset?”
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