by Robin Roseau
"Is this your answer?" she asked.
I still had no words, and all I could do was nod.
"I have two daughters, Beria."
That I could answer. "I know. Who is with them?"
"They are asleep. Alone. I cannot spend the night here."
I tightened my arms, letting my desires be known.
"It's complicated," she said. "Come." She pulled away from me, but she led me to the side of my bed. "Sit."
Obedient, I sat. She knelt in front of me and slowly removed my boots. I reached for the laces of my tunic, but she captured my hands. "Slower than that." And I nodded.
She sat down next to me and removed her own boots, then she bore me to the pillows, kissing me quickly before we wrapped in each other's arms.
"I couldn't stand if you left. Please tell me you're staying."
"For now," she said.
"For now?" My voice cracked. "But-"
She put fingers against my lips. "I've seen how you look at Omie. I've seen how she looks at you. I won't accept anything less."
"Lia-"
"I don't expect you to stop loving her. But I expect there to be room in your heart for me. And I don't think you know if there is."
She was wrong, but I didn't know how to tell her that.
"No one has ever looked at me like that."
"Joelle and Annalise's father-"
"-Did not look at me like you look at Omie."
Then she smiled. "But I like the way you are looking at me right now. It's a start. You've been looking at me like this for a while, but I wasn't sure what it was." She chuckled. "I overheard Aura and Badra talking."
"Oh?"
"Aura asked Badra when you were going to figure out how you felt about me."
"Oh."
"And Badra told her, 'About when Lia figures out how she feels about Beria'."
I smiled.
"You're the first woman I have ever kissed like that."
"And so," I said, "we go slowly?"
She nodded.
"How slowly?" I began to grin a little.
"Perhaps tonight there could be a little more kissing," she said.
And so there was.
She stayed for perhaps another hour. We talked more with our hands, our fingers, our lips, than we did with words. We touched a great deal, the voices long silenced.
Finally she said, "I must go. The girls may wake up."
I slipped from the bed then knelt in front of her and put her boots on for her. Then I pulled her to her feet and led her to the door.
"We didn't drink the wine," I said.
"Then I won't need to bring another bottle tomorrow night," she replied. She turned around in my arms and pressed against me. We kissed again, there by the side of the door. Then she turned to go, but I stopped her.
"Lia."
"Beria."
I turned her back to face me. "Will you be my companion?"
She looked down. "Tonight, you look at me with hunger. When you look at me like you look at Omie, you may ask that again."
"Lia," I said, "I have no intention of looking at you like I look at Omie. I intend to look at you like the woman I will share the rest of my life with. Omie and I always knew there would be an end."
She looked up and smiled broadly. "I am not ready to say 'yes'. Ask again."
I nodded.
"Kiss me once more."
She stepped back into my arms. It was a soft kiss, a gentle kiss. But with it, we said everything we each required that night.
And then she was gone. I leaned against the doorframe watching her as she crossed the compound to her hut. When she reached her door, she turned around, looking at me. We stared across the dimly lit distance, staring at each other.
* * * *
I woke early. I always did, except for those nights I spent with Maya. I took some work with me to the dining hall, waiting around and trying to look busy.
Lia and the girls showed up an hour and a half later. About half the Amazons were already having breakfast. As soon as I saw her, I told Aura, "I'll see you at training" and stood up, catching Lia's eye.
We started at each other for a moment, then I said, "Lia, do you have a few minutes for me?"
"Will it make me late for training?"
"I just need a minute or two."
"I'll take care of the girls," Lin said. She rose from the table and took them in hand, and then I took Lia's arm and gently pulled her towards my hut.
As soon as the door closed, she moved into my arms, lifting her lips for a kiss. I pulled her to me.
It was a short kiss, and then I wrapped my arms more fully around her and held her.
"Regrets?" I asked her.
"No, Beria. But we're going slowly."
"I just-" I tightened my arms.
"I know," she replied. "Me too."
She soothed the voices for me, and I sighed at her.
"I can tell when the voices quiet," she said. "You always sigh. You sigh a second time if I make them go silent."
"I need more than this for that to happen," I said. "But this is good. We don't have time for more." I slowly released her. As she stepped away, she caressed my cheek then held my hands.
"We're going to be late," she said. She stepped away then turned around. I decided to enjoy the view. Once outside, when I didn't catch up to her, she turned her head and saw where I was watching. "Oh, that's not a little obvious."
"You have a cute ass," I said. "It's distracting."
She laughed.
* * * *
I may have been the chief of Lake Juna. I may have been the warrior. I may have been the queen's companion's sister and had the ear of the queen herself. I may have been one of the best warriors amongst all the Amazons.
But when it came to our relationship, there was no question who was in charge, and it wasn't me. From the very beginning, she had me wrapped around her little finger, and we both knew it.
I didn't mind, not one little bit.
She came to me every night I was at Lake Juna, although she'd been doing that since she arrived. We kissed; we talked; she stilled the voices. Sometimes we sat at the table, talking about the business of the day. Other nights she would take my hand and lead me to the bed, then tell me to take her boots off. I would kneel in front of her, her hands on my head as I helped her out of her boots. Then she would sit on the bed and wait for me to remove my own boots. We would cuddle on the bed.
She taunted me with her body, but her clothing remained intact. If my hands wandered more than she wished to allow, she would leave, and there was no calling her back.
"I'm leaving," was final, always final, no matter how much I apologized.
During the days, I acted as if I were a warrior to her and the girls, teaching them everything they would need to be Amazons. I had help with that; the girls were very popular, and of course, Tamma was fully involved in all their lives, teaching them as much as I was.
I was gone a lot. I had my duties for the queen, and I patrolled. I asked Lia if she wanted to go with me when I visited the other villages.
"When the girls are older," she said.
The months wore on. Winter arrived, and then spring. I did another tour of the villages, starting and ending with Queen's Town. I arrived very late in the afternoon. Malora was busy and wanted to speak with me after dinner. I spent the time with my friends. Omie was on patrol, but Bea was there, and then Maya joined us. After dinner, I met with Malora and Nori, sharing the latest news.
When we finished, Malora asked, "Are you staying?"
"I want to get back," I said.
"You don't stay as much as you used to," she replied. "Is there something I should know?"
"Like what?"
"Did you and Maya have a fight?"
"Oh, no," I said.
She smiled. "Then what aren't you telling me?"
"Like you don't already know," Nori said.
"I don't listen to rumor," Malora said.
&nbs
p; "Oh please," Nori said. "She has a lover."
"I do not!" I said hotly.
Malora narrowed her eyes.
"I'm sorry," I said, apologizing for my tone.
"For?"
"My tone."
"Not lying to me?"
"I'm not lying," I said. "I haven't had a lover in nine years."
"There is someone who comes to your hut every night," Malora said.
"And she leaves an hour later. She comes to talk for a while and to soothe my voices for me. Then she leaves."
"Talk?"
"Talk," I said.
"What else?"
"The most clothing she lets me remove are her boots. Malora, there's nothing going on."
"Well, why not?" Malora asked. "Don't you like her?"
"Of course I like her!"
"Don't you want her?"
"Malora, may we talk about something else?"
"Don't you?"
"Yes, I want her."
"Then what are you waiting for."
"Maybe she doesn't want me," I said.
Malora pursed her lips. "I don't believe that's the case," she said.
"Why are we talking about this?"
"Because I like to meddle," she said, "and as I am the queen, I may meddle all I want. Now, you will answer all my questions and stop being evasive, and we won't tell Maya, or you will wait here and I'll go get her, and you know she'll be far more intrusive than I am."
"Malora, frankly, unless it affects my job, I'm not sure this is any of your business."
"Nori," Malora said, "would you be so kind as to retrieve my companion? I believe she was somewhat taken aback when I didn't invite her to this conference."
"No!"
Malora narrowed her eyes at me.
"No!" I said again. "When we were talking about my job, then this was a discussion with the queen. But as soon as you began asking questions about my private life and threatening to include my sister, you stopped being the queen."
"I never stop being the queen," Malora said. "Nori, go get her."
Nori got up from the table and headed for the door. I got up at the same time and was ready to storm out.
"Beria!" Malora said. "Plant your butt in that chair. Right. Now."
Nori didn't even pause or look around, so sure was she that I would obey the queen. Or maybe she knew she couldn't stop me if I chose to disobey. I froze in place.
"I am serious, Beria," Malora said. "Sit. Down."
I turned to face her. She pointed to the chair. I felt like a wayward child, but I stomped back to the chair and sat in it.
"Better," she said. "You haven't acted like this since you were a teenager."
"You're being a meddling old woman!"
You would have thought I had slapped her. She reared back in her chair, her eyes wide, and then she looked away, her lips tight.
"Oh my god," I said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Queen Malora, I'm sorry."
She didn't look at me. "Maybe you're right," she said quietly. "I'm meddling, and it may be appropriate to call me an old woman."
"You're not. I'm sorry."
"Do you intend to challenge me?" she asked. She turned to face me. "If you are, we can go do it right now."
"What? No! Never. Queen Malora, you know that."
"Then you admit I am still your queen, and I will remain your queen for the immediate future?"
"Yes. I'm sorry."
"I may be a meddling old woman, Beria," she said. "I've never thought of myself that way, but it is probably accurate."
"I didn't mean it."
"Yes, I think you did, and I think if you were honest with yourself, you'd admit it. As your queen, I have the right to be a meddling old woman, don't I?"
"Yes, Queen Malora."
"As your queen, Beria, and as someone who cares about you a great, great deal, I also have that responsibility."
From outside, Maya and Nori were talking loudly as they approached the hut. Both Malora and I glanced at the door.
"Nori knew the temperature in the room when she stepped out," Malora said. "She doesn't know if I'm done addressing your tone yet."
"Have you chosen my punishment?" I asked.
"Yes. You will answer every question your sister asks you. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Queen Malora."
"Good."
The door entered. Maya entered, followed by Nori. My sister got two steps into the hut and stopped. "Oh oh. Neither of them is happy." She turned to look at Nori. "You said it was a little tense in here, but you didn't explain why."
"Your sister believes I am a meddling old woman," Malora said.
"I said I was sorry."
Maya's eyes widened. "She said that?"
"She did," Malora said. "She's right."
She turned to Nori. "You could have told me what they were talking about." She turned back to Malora. "And I could have told you she'd get upset if you pushed her too hard."
"Yes, well," said Malora. "Sit."
Maya crossed the room and sat down next to Malora.
"Did you want me?" Nori asked.
"Oh yes," Malora said. "And Beria is very lucky I don't invite a few more witnesses." Nori took a place next to me. I stared at my hands on the table.
"So," said Maya, "You finally asked her. She told you in some way or another to mind your own business. She talks to me about everything, but she hasn't talked to me about this yet, but you thought she'd want to talk to anyone else?"
"How do you know what we were talking about? Have the three of you been planning this for weeks?"
"Oh please," said Maya. "You've been doe-eyed for nearly a year, but you haven't announced you have a new companion, and you haven't told me you were in love. But you're angry she's asking about it. What else could you possibly be talking about, especially one where you would accuse her of meddling? Anything else she might meddle in she has every right."
"She doesn't in this," I said.
"Yes," Malora said, "she does. "You will either agree with me or invite me to the training ground."
"Malora," I whined.
"Queen Malora," she said. "At least until I am not or you admit I have the right to meddle."
I looked up at her. "Why is this such a big deal to you? We haven't done more than kiss. If my hands roam a little too far, she gets up and leaves. End of story."
"Well, that's more story than I had before," Malora said. "You need a companion. I need you to have a companion."
I stared at her. "Why?"
She smiled. "I'm not answering that. If it's not going to be Lia, then you will go with us during the spring recruitment."
"I don't want some girl," I said.
"Then I'll find you someone else," Maya said. "Lia isn't the only single woman over twenty-five. There must be one out there who would see you as quite the catch."
"I don't need a companion," I said. "I'm fine."
"If you were fine," Malora said, "Explain your behavior tonight. You have never talked to me like you did tonight."
"It's not because I need a companion," I replied.
"Then what is it?"
"You've never given me a reason."
She raised an eyebrow.
Maya was watching me carefully before turning to Malora. "I was wrong, Malora. I bow to your wisdom. Again."
"Wrong about what?" I asked.
"I told her you'd talk to us when you were ready, and that you were fine. You're not fine."
"Not you too!" I looked away. "I went years with less soothing than I get now. Lia comes to me every evening before bed. And you've been teaching all the companions in Queen's Town and Lake Juna how to soothe more than their own warriors. Even Annalise and Joelle give all of us hugs, all the time. I went years where the only soothing I got was from you."
"Beria," Malora said, "Who is sharing your bed?"
"I told you! No one. No one since Omie. What do you want from me? Am I supposed to throw her to the bed
and force her to stay?"
"Of course not," Malora replied. "When was the last time you got a full night's sleep?"
"I sleep every night. Patrol nights are rough, I guess, but that's true for all of us."
"A full night?" Malora asked. "If so, then she soothes you far better than Maya soothes me, and I find that hard to believe."
I didn't answer.
"When was the last time you got a proper night's sleep?"
I sighed. "Last time I stayed here, I guess."
"And when was that?" Malora asked.
"That's what this is about? You want me invading your bedroom more often?"
Malora didn't answer that. We were quiet for a moment, then Maya asked, "You want an older companion, someone to love, but you don't want Lia?"
"I didn't say that," I said.
"But you haven't made her your companion?"
"I thought our policy was that companions had a choice."
That shut them up. I glared at Maya, then turned my gaze back to Malora. "Are we through?"
"We're through when we have a solution to this problem," Malora said, her tone sharp. "And I am growing tired of telling you to watch your tone."
I shut my mouth, but I'm sure my body language told them how I felt about the conversation. And I didn't apologize again.
"Beria," Malora said more gently, "We're not here trying to hurt you. I am worried."
"I wasn't," Maya said, "but I am now."
I managed to keep my mouth shut. It wasn't easy.
"Beria, look at me," Malora ordered. I lifted my eyes and stared dully at her. "Will you at least admit I have your best interests at heart?"
"Queen Malora," I said, my tone civil, "I do not know why you feel the need to address this issue. I do not know what I have been doing wrong that leaves you with no recourse but to interfere in my personal issues. I have no idea what interests you have at heart. But if my performance is so poor, then you may have my resignation as village chief at Lake Juna. Or perhaps it is my performance as the coordinator between the villages. Again, you may have my resignation. Or maybe you are dissatisfied with me as an Amazon. I offer the same solution. I would only ask that you allow me to inform the members of my village myself before you banish me."
"Beria!" Malora replied, "Why do you insist on escalating this beyond all proportions?"
"Me?" I yelled. "You're the one who told me I either had to talk about this or challenge you for your position! I'd say my response is a lot tamer than yours. I'm just a village chief, and a fairly junior one at that. Losing me is nothing compared to losing you."
