by Robin Roseau
Maya put a hand on Malora's arm, and beside me, Nori did the same to mine. I tried to shrug her off, but she clasped my arm tightly and said, "Look at me."
"Leave me alone."
"Beria!" Nori said. "Look at me!"
"What?" I said turning to her. "Are you going to start demanding answers to questions that are none of your business, too?"
"Damn it!" Malora slammed her fist on the table. "Beria, shut up."
I crossed my arms and glared at her. Maya was half draped across the queen, I presumed to try to calm her down. For a while, the only noise in the room came from Malora and I breathing heavily, both of us angry.
Finally Maya spoke, "Perhaps we should call a break to this conversation while we all calm down."
"An hour," Malora said. "Beria, do not leave Queen's Town. We are not done."
"It's late," I said. "I wanted to get back to Lake Juna."
"Do I look like I care what you wanted?"
"Fine," I said. "Queen Malora."
I climbed to my feet and stomped out. I went in search of whomever I could find, finding Lidi and Vorine chatting quietly at one of the dining hall picnic tables. I came to a stop, waiting for a break in the conversation.
"Hey, Beria," Vorine said. "How was your trip?"
"I need to blow off some steam," I said. "I would like two or three opponents in the training circle, if there are any around."
"Three?" Vorine asked.
"Make it at least four," I said. "Find some that don't mind a few bruises."
She turned to Lidi. "Nori and-"
"Not Nori, Queen Malora, or my sister. Or any companions. Anyone else."
I didn't wait. I stormed off to the training grounds. I collected a staff and two swords from the storage shed. I did a few minutes of stretching, then I picked up the staff. I imagined the whipping post as an opponent and spent the next fifteen minutes beating the crap out of it.
I collected an audience, but I ignored them. But finally Vorine called out, "Beria, hold."
Eighteen years of training leaves an impression. I immediately froze, then lowered the staff and stepped back three steps before turning to face her. She and Bea were a short distance away. They both closed the distance to me, and Bea put an arm around my shoulder.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," I said. "I don't think I should use a staff tonight."
"No, I don't think you should," Vorine said. "I'm not sure how many of us would have stood up against that. Feeling better?"
"No." I looked past them. Lidi and Clara stood a short distance off. When they caught me looking, then pretended they were stretching.
"Damn it," I said. "I'm scaring everyone."
"Give me the staff," Vorine said, gently taking it from me. "Want to talk about it?"
"No." I pulled away from her, wiped the sweat from my eyes, then walked over to the grass where I'd left my practice swords. I picked them both up and swung them around a few times, limbering up. I moved back into the circle. "Whenever you are all ready," I said.
"All?" asked Vorine. "Let's start with just me." She raised my discarded staff.
"Fine," I said. I began advancing on her. She swung first, a blow I easily deflected, then another, then I reached out with a sword, slipping right past her defense and scoring a slice across her arm. The wood didn't cut through her leather tunic, but steel would have.
"Damn," she said, stepping away from me. "Point to you."
"We're not playing for points," I said. I went after her, ducking under the staff then stepping inside the next swing. I delivered three "cuts" across her right arm, then continued past her before putting two more down on her shoulder from behind her.
She spun then stepped back, expecting a pause before the next points, but I pursued her, tangling the stuff and striking her twice more with the swords. She retreated, trying to defend herself, but I pursued her around the circle. None of her blows landed, and my word swords struck her again and again.
"Hold!" she said. "Beria, hold!"
I froze then stepped back.
"Clara," Vorine said. "Help me out."
Clara stepped forward, lifting a sword. "Fight," she said, and she came after me as hard as I had chased Vorine. Vorine joined a moment later, and the two of them forced me backwards for a moment, but then I stepped to the side, Vorine's swing missing me, and I swept Clara's sword aside, slapping her shoulder three times with my swords, then stepping past her so she was between me and Vorine. I gave her two more cuts across the back, not pulling any of them, then I spun and brought both swords across Vorine's back before she could fully spin to face me.
After that, I pursued them both, never stopping, never slowing. I took one hit from Vorine and two slashes from Clara, but they each took a lot more than that from me.
"Hold," Vorine said finally, then bent over, panting for a moment.
Bea and Lidi didn't wait for an invitation. They both stepped into the circle lifting practice swords. I immediately went after them, surprising them, but they put up a good defense, then I heard Vorine and Clara moving behind me. I feinted at Bea then ducked and spun around, barely evading Vorine's staff. Clara slapped me with her sword, but I got her with both of mine.
After that, the strikes were about even. That is, they each got one from me about as often as I got one from them; I was scoring strikes four times as often as they were. I kept moving, trying to tangle them in themselves, fighting to keep from letting them flank me.
I wasn't pulling my strikes. At first, they were, and with her staff, Vorine continued to pull her strikes, but the others stopped, and we were all fighting for everything we were worth.
I never stopped moving.
I don't know how many bruises I gave them, and I had long stopped counting how many they were giving me.
"Hold."
We all froze, and then we separated. I turned, and Malora was watching us.
"Is that enough, Beria?" she asked.
"You gave me an hour, Queen Malora," I said.
"It has been over an hour," she replied. "I've been watching for thirty minutes."
My mind had recognized her, but she'd been sufficiently far away I hadn't worried about her as a threat. If she had stepped into the circle, I probably would have gone after her.
"I'll put your swords away," Vorine said. She stepped closer, and after a moment, I handed them to her.
I walked to Queen Malora and stared her in the eye, not saying a word. Then she nodded and turned about. I followed her, not bothering to catch up and walk beside her. If she was going to treat me like a child, I would follow along behind her like one.
"Rora is there," she said, pointing to the dining hall. "Go still the voices. I expect you in my hut shortly."
She was still angry or she would have offered my sister. I didn't say a word but peeled off. Rora was talking to some of the other companions, but as soon as I appeared, she sent them away. I stopped in the entrance, and they filed past me. I didn't know these companions well; they were new since I had become chief of Lake Juna, and so we weren't really friends. I stayed where I was, watching Rora. She stood up and waited for me.
"Do you know what's going on?" I asked her.
"Nori told me you were a little ragged and asked me to help. That's all I know. I can make guesses, but they are only guesses."
"I'm fine," I said. "I've gone weeks without soothing before, and Maya stilled them earlier today."
"And yet, you look like they are after you."
"That's leftover from the training grounds," I said. "We did a little four on one."
"I understand you are to return to your discussion with Queen Malora," Rora said. "You look ragged, and based on what we all heard from the hut earlier, I suspect you are returning to a stressful conversation. Do you really want the voices after you for it?"
"I'm fine, Rora!" Why did everyone need to tell me I couldn't handle it?
I turned on my heel and stomped to Malora's hut. I k
nocked and waited for permission to enter. A moment later, Nori was at the door. She frowned.
"That wasn't remotely long enough."
"No, it wasn't. I would have liked another hour."
"I meant enough time with Rora." Then she looked past me. "Did you let her help at all?"
"I'm fine!" I tried stepping past her, but she didn't move aside. I stepped back and crossed my arms. "If the conversation is cancelled, I'll happily head to Lake Juna."
"Why don't you say, 'I'll happily head home', Beria?"
I looked away. Queen's Town was home. "So now you're going to pick on my semantics?"
"I believe it's a valuable question," Nori said. "I also would like an answer to my previous question. Did you let Rora help you?"
"I don't need anyone's help! I'm fine."
"Queen Malora gave you an order to quiet the voices, Beria. Right now, she is trying to ignore our conversation. I suspect her ability to pretend to do so is growing short. Do you really want to enter this hut having refused a direct order from the queen?"
"Why is this anyone's business but my own?"
"She's our queen, Beria. She decides what business is hers."
"When was the last time she ordered you to turn to someone else's companion?"
"About three months before I met Rora. I had angered Maya over something foolish, and she was putting me in my place by refusing to touch me. She refused to touch me until I apologized, and I blamed her for the altercation, so I refused to apologize. I wasn't in the habit of seeking anyone else."
That sounded like both of them. Actually, I was surprised Maya would withhold comfort, but I could see both of them getting her back up. I was surprised Malora would interfere.
"Nori," Malora asked, "Is Beria done with Rora yet?"
Nori stepped aside, and I entered the hut.
"You're being a stubborn fool," Nori said. I didn't respond but stepped past her.
Malora's gaze was not friendly. From beside her, Maya looked at me sadly. "Sit." I took the indicated seat. Nori pulled up another chair, this time not sitting beside me, and it was clearly three to one.
"You know," she said, "this could have been an easy conversation. I do not understand why you blew it out of proportion. I do not understand why you refused Rora's help. I do not understand why you are working so hard to antagonize me."
"I do not understand why suddenly you are treating me like I can't make the most basic decisions in life," I replied. "I was fine when I reported earlier. I don't know what I have done that you suddenly feel I am completely incompetent. If I need a companion, I know how to find one."
"When was the last time you asked a companion to quiet the voices?" Malora asked me.
"Nine years ago," Maya answered for me, "immediately after becoming a warrior."
"That's not remotely true! I accept help all the time."
"Accept, yes," she said. "Ask, no. Why is it so hard to ask?"
"None of you ask for help from anyone," I said. "But I'm supposed to beg?"
"Both Nori and Malora begged me to accept my position here," Maya said.
"So the last time either of them asked for anything was twenty years ago?"
"I begged Rora to become my companion," Nori said. "Maya begs the villages to provide companions and to tithe, and then she begs the girls to become companions. I don't know if you would call it begging, but Omie certainly asked you, and she would have begged if she'd had to. Have you begged this of Lia?"
"That's a good question," Malora added, "but I do not believe this conversation is going to remain civil if we stray too far. Beria, I really want to know why you refused my order to ask Rora to help you."
"I don't need help!"
"So you have learned to quiet the voices yourself?" she asked.
"I can ignore them."
"Can you?" she asked. "I never could."
"Nor could I," Nori added.
"I could remind myself they lied," Malora said, "but that's not the same thing. What are they telling you right now, Beria?"
"I don't know. I'm not listening."
"Aren't you?" she asked. "There isn't a portion of your mind that's listening? Mine like to tell me Maya doesn't love me. They like to remind me I won't survive my next challenge."
"I'll kill anyone who challenges you!" I screamed.
She paused. "Thank you, but that's not the point. I have some that like to remind me of every mistake I've made. They're very insidious. They also like to question decisions I am considering or have recently made. I have a few that try to convince me the people most loyal to me aren't loyal at all. For years, one of those told me Nori was just biding her time, that as soon as I got hurt she was going to challenge me."
"I have three that try to convince me to challenge her, even now," Nori said. "There are two more that recommend I murder everyone who might be a threat, either to me or to Malora. There are four or five that tell me Maya hates me for the way I took her from Gallen's Cove. Those also tell me she and Rora are plotting against me. At one point or another, most of the voices tell me Rora is fooling around with someone else, with Malora and Maya being the most common choices. And, of course, they all take turns second-guessing my decisions. A few of them tell me I should just give up, that I'm getting old, and I should head east, wait for a portal to open, and offer myself to the next demon that appears."
"I have those, too," Malora said. "Not that they get much chance to say a thing lately." She smiled briefly at Maya. She turned back to me. "Tell me, Beria, you don't have any voices like these?"
"If you can handle it, I can," I said.
"But Beria," Malora said. "I can't."
"Neither can I," Nori said.
"You went years without a companion," I told her. "And Maya told me you did, too, Queen Malora."
"Yes, and the way Maya was taken from Gallen's Cove was a partial result," Malora said.
"And I had your sister," Nori added.
"Not at night."
"No, not at night," she agreed. "It wasn't by choice, and I would find your sister before making important decisions. You came back to this hut with the voices after you, knowing it was going to be a difficult discussion. I wouldn't have done that, because I know I wouldn't be thinking clearly if I did."
"What are they telling you, Beria?" Malora asked.
"I told you, I'm not listening to them. If I needed a companion so badly, why did you send me to Rora instead of letting me see Maya? If I'm being so unreasonable, why is she over there instead of helping me?"
"I thought you didn't need anyone's help," Malora said.
I looked away. "So I'm supposed to answer your questions, but you refuse to answer mine. Again."
"What I really wanted was to watch you ask Rora for help," Malora said. "I didn't think you would. It didn't occur to me you wouldn't accept the help that was offered."
"What's the point?" I asked. "They'll just be after me again."
"What are they telling you?" Malora asked.
"You already know what they're saying!" I said. "The same kinds of things they tell both of you. But I'm not holding as many as either of you. If you can handle the numbers you have, I can handle the ones I have."
"What are they telling you?"
"What does it matter?"
"Beria," Malora said. "What are they telling you?"
"Fine!" I spat. "The first one goes on and on about how Mama was raped, and when he was done, he raped Maya too. That one is amazingly repetitious; the only thing that changes are the details he shares."
"All lies," Maya said.
"I know that," I said. "And if that one is lying, so are the rest."
"Are they?" Malora asked. "What else are they saying?"
"The usual."
"Tell me, Beria," Malora said. "I am not impressed by your refusal to answer my questions."
"Several tell me you made me a village chief to get me out of Queen's Town, with a variety of reasons why, most of which have to do with jeal
ousy over my relationship with Maya. Others tell me Maya lured me here knowing I'd be suffering from the voices, that it was all a careful plot between the three of you and Omie. Most of them, at one time or another, tell me Omie never loved me and was grateful when I became a warrior. Sometimes they tell me she engineered it to get rid of me. When they aren't telling me that, they're reminding how much I loved her but that I can never have her again. They also love telling me I'll be alone for the rest of my life."
I wound down.
"What else?" Malora asked when I paused.
"I don't want to talk about it." Even I knew it came out as if from a petulant child.
"What else?"
"They like suggesting I challenge you! Is that what you wanted to hear? I wouldn't. You know I wouldn't. I wouldn't! I could never be the queen you are. At night, they plague me with dreams where I'm standing over your body. Sometimes in the dreams I kill Maya, too. Sometimes Nori. Sometimes Omie. Actually, they love that dream. In that dream, they turn her into a companion herself, right before she dies, and I can hold her for just an instant before she dies. And I know I've killed her and I'll never hold her again. Oh, they love reminding me I'll never hold her again."
"Oh honey," Maya said.
"What do they tell you about Lia?" Malora asked.
"Isn't that enough?" I asked.
"What do they tell you about Lia?"
"I'm sure you can guess," I said.
"Tell me."
"The most popular choice seems to be reminding me she's not Omie, she'll never be Omie, that I'll never love her like I loved Omie, that she'll never love me at all. They also like belittling me if I grow dependent on the comfort she gives. They try to make me jealous of her children."
They let me sit for a moment before Malora asked, "And what are they all saying now?"
"Oh, they're having a great time," I said. "I'm listening to details of how my mother was raped, and how she has always hated me as the child of that rape. That one never gets tired of describing it. Most of the rest are full of suggestions how I could end this conversation. It's rare that they agree on anything, but they seem to agree on this. But the suggestions are coming from demons, so I know what a bad idea it is."
