by Robin Roseau
"They're telling you to challenge me?"
"I wouldn't!"
"I know. Beria, why are you putting up with this when you don't have to?"
"Because they just come back! If I'd let Rora still them, they'd grow quieter, but it's not like they're actually quiet. I can still hear them, muttering along in the background. I hate the whispering. And as soon as this conversation grew tense, they'd ambush me. At least this way I can try to ignore them."
I was angry. I never talked about this. It only encouraged the demons, and they were practically screaming at me now, laughing in my head as they tormented me.
"I've answered your questions, Queen Malora. May I please return to Lake Juna?"
"No. We haven't had the conversation we were supposed to be having right now, and that conversation is important. But you're in no condition to have it. I want to know what you intend to do about that."
"Why does it have to be tonight?"
"Because if I order you to come with us for the recruiting trip, I don't want to wait," Malora replied.
"Why would you order me to come?"
"Because in my opinion, you need a companion."
"Every warrior without a companion needs one. Why am I suddenly in more need than anyone else?"
"Who said it was sudden?"
I glared at her.
"Beria, as angry as we are with each other right now, I need you, and I need you in top condition. You are not taking care of this, and so I am forced to."
"I didn't realize I was disappointing you, Queen Malora," I replied.
"Until tonight, you weren't, and I'm starting to get enough of a picture that when you finally apologize, I'll accept. I might not even dunk you in a barrel of purple dye before forgiving you."
It was perhaps meant as a joke, but it didn't go over very well. I turned away and crossed my arms again, trying hard not to respond. She let me simmer for a while.
"Beria, what are you going to do to calm down?"
"I don't believe Rora is interested in helping me right now. I was perhaps a little rude."
"I am fairly certain she would forgive you," Nori said. "There are other choices."
"The only other companion here I'd turn to is my sister, and I have the impression I shouldn't ask."
"No," Malora said. "If we get through our conversation later, and you aren't purple, then you may ask. She won't be offering. If you want her comfort, you are going to have to ask."
"Is that a new, permanent rule?"
"If your attitude doesn't amend itself, it is," Malora spat. "Go do what I told you to do a half hour ago. Now."
"It won't be enough," I said. I looked up at her. "I'd have to be far more intimate with her than would be remotely reasonable."
"Go calm down as much as you can," Malora said.
I rose to my feet. "Fine. Queen Malora."
I got halfway to the door and stopped. I didn't turn around, but I said, "Nori, may I ask your companion to quiet my demons?"
"Yes, Beria," she replied.
"Thank you."
I stomped across the village, checking first in the dining hall. Rora wasn't there. I walked to Nori's hut and knocked, but there was no answer.
Great.
I went door to door. "Does anyone know where Rora is?" I finally found her in Vorine's hut with Bea, Vorine, and their companions. They invited me to enter.
"Rora," I said, "May I speak with you?"
"Sure," she said. She didn't get up.
"Alone?"
"I don't think so. You can say whatever you came to say."
I stared at her. She didn't glare back, but her expression wasn't friendly, either. There was no way I was going back to Malora's hut in the shape I was in, and it didn't look like I'd come to the right place to fix it, either. I stared at her, not sure what to do.
"Please, Rora," I said, "I would like to speak privately with you."
"There's nothing you're going to say to me you can't say in front of my friends," she said.
I looked around the room. If it were just Bea and Vorine, I probably could have handled it, but I wasn't about to grovel in front of their companions, too.
"Fine," I said. "I'll catch you next time I'm in town." I turned on my heels and was halfway to the door before Bea ran past me and blocked the door.
"Bea-"
"What are you going to do, Beria?" she asked. "Are you going to go back to Malora like this? We didn't hear everything that went on, but we heard enough. Or are you going to hop on your horse and ride out of town instead?"
"I don't see how it's your concern, Bea," I said. "Please get out of my way."
"Just tell Rora what you came to say, Beria. Two words. How hard can it be?"
"If she were willing to listen to only two words, she'd be willing to listen to a lot more than that spoken somewhat more privately."
"How do you know what I'm willing to listen to?" Rora asked from behind me.
"Why is it make everything hard for Beria night?" I asked.
"I think," Bea said, "that you brought some of it on yourself."
"Well," I said, "You're entitled to that opinion. Will you please move out of the way? I don't believe the evening will improve for any of us if I decide to make you."
"So that's your answer?" Bea asked. "Is that going to be your answer to everything? When someone won't do what you want, you'll force her to?"
"I've never forced anyone!"
"Then why are you threatening to now? Beria, if you leave, what are you going to do? Give me one result that is better than swallowing your pride. Just one, and I'll get out of your way."
The voices, as if it were possible, grew even louder. Several of them wanted me to draw steel on Beria. Others thought that was a grand idea but wondered why I would stop at Beria. I could kill all the warriors then claim the companions for my own. A few of them wanted me to kill Rora, too, for putting me in this position, and Malora while I was at it.
"And then you can have your sister," said that first voice. "Imagine the things you could do to her."
"Stop it!" I screamed, clutching my head. "Shut up!" I bent over double, screaming at the voices to shut up.
A moment later, Rora was there, not comforting me, but her hands were on my shoulders, lifting me to stand, facing her.
"Tell me what you came to say, Beria."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I was rude earlier. I'm sorry. Please make them shut up, just for a few minutes, make them shut up!"
"Of course," she said, pulling me into her arms. I clutched at her. Then the other companions were there. Vorine's companion pulled Rora's braid apart until her hair fell free. She wrapped it around my hands. Bea's companion pressed against my back, and then Vorine's was there, too.
It took a long time for the voices to grow quiet, muttering along in the background, but as still as they were going to become tonight.
"Thank you," I said. Slowly I pulled away. "I'm sorry I was difficult."
"Of course," Rora said. "You're welcome," said the other companions.
I took a breath. "I suppose I should go face the rest of the night's music." But when I turned to the doorway, Bea was standing in the way.
"Bea-"
"Perhaps you should ask for continued help," she suggested.
"I don't think I'm ready to clutch at Rora in front of Nori," I said.
"After the way Nori used to clutch at Maya in front of Malora, she'll deal with it," Bea said.
I turned to Rora, who was waiting. "Would you like to bear witness to the rest of my humiliation?"
"That's a crappy way to ask for a favor," Bea said. "Didn't you once tell Maya if she were going to apologize, do it with conviction?"
I sighed. "Rora, would you please help keep the voices at bay while I try to get Malora to leave me alone about my love life?"
"No."
I turned away and stepped up to Bea, waiting for her to move.
"Try again," she said.
"What? I'm suppo
sed to beg?"
"I don't believe Rora would require you to beg," Bea said. "But she may not be willing to help you defy our queen."
I turned back to Rora. "Rora, would you help keep the voices at bay while I let Malora and Maya browbeat me about my love life?"
"No."
I made a disgusted sound and turned back to Bea. "Please step aside."
She did.
I got halfway out of the hut before Rora said, "I might be willing to calm the voices if you intend a calm conversation with the queen."
I turned around. "Rora, would you please help me get through whatever conversation is going to happen?"
She cocked her head. "I can come for a while, Beria," she said. She looked around to everyone else. "Thanks for the company."
"Any time," said Vorine.
Rora stepped past Bea, and then we exited the hut together. I kept my head down. We got halfway to the queen's hut before Rora stopped me with a hand on my arm. "Why did you refuse my help earlier."
"I was handling it. They didn't get really bad until they all decided I should engage in violence. Even that I could handle, but one of them had some particularly disgusting suggestions."
"I hope you'll excuse me for saying this, but I haven't seen anyone this on the edge except for a few new warriors."
"Everyone is meddling in my business," I said. "I believe anger is a natural reaction, but anger always stirs them up."
"Do you think Malora is trying to hurt you?"
"I believe we're about to have that conversation inside. Did you want to have it out here first?"
"No, I suppose not."
She stepped past me, leading the way to the hut. I followed her in. "I asked Rora if she would help. I'm not sure I can stay calm. I'm sure you all heard."
"She's quite welcome to join us," Malora said. "Although we're short a chair."
"I can stand," Nori said.
I looked between all of them. "I suppose meddling old ladies don't like sitting on the floor."
They were silent for several heartbeats before Malora smiled. "This meddler isn't so old she can't rise to her feet afterwards." And so we found ourselves sitting in a circle with Rora next to me. She took my hands and placed them where she wanted them, the fingers of my left hand entwined in her hair.
I'd never played with another warrior's companion's hair. I felt it was too intimate. I really wasn't comfortable with my hand in Rora's hair, and I slipped my fingers free. She turned to look at me. "It's all right."
"I'm not sure it is," I replied. "You're not my companion. I'll be fine."
"If the voices grow bad again, Beria," Malora said, "Are you going to take what you need?"
I looked at her. "I don't know."
"Are they silent?"
"Of course not," I said. "They're quiet enough I can ignore them."
"I used to say that," Malora said. "I suppose we've beaten that topic to death. For now."
"So," said Maya cheerfully, "perhaps you are willing to start over."
I sighed.
"How is Lia?" she asked.
"She was fine the last time I was at Lake Juna."
Nori shifted, catching Maya's eye. "Ah, yes," Maya said. She looked at me. "I have never heard you call Lake Juna 'home'."
"Queen's Town is home," I said quietly. "Or Gallen's Cove. I don't know how long I'll need to live at Lake Juna before that will change."
Maya nodded. "So, you know we're not letting you leave until you tell us everything."
"You're as bad as she is," I said, gesturing to Malora.
"Oh please," Maya said, "we both know I'm a whole lot worse. I'm just getting warmed up."
Nori snickered. I looked in her direction, frowned, and then asked Rora, "May I run my fingers through your hair?"
Nori guffawed at that.
Rora smiled. "Yes, if you like."
Nori had taken the fun away, and I kept my hands where they were.
"Beria," said Maya, "Will you agree you need a companion?"
"Of course I need a companion!" I said. "I never denied that. But I don't want some little girl."
"Do you want Lia?"
I grew still, and everyone waited for my answer.
"I like her."
"That's not what I asked."
"I asked her."
"And?"
"She told me she wasn't ready for that but told me I could ask again."
"And you accepted that answer?"
"What was I supposed to do?" I asked. "Force her?"
"No. Did you ask again? Did you try to convince her? Did you ask what she was waiting for?"
"No."
"Are you sharing a bed?"
"We cuddle sometimes in the evening."
"Is that a euphemism?"
"The only clothing removed are boots," I said. "So no, it's not a euphemism."
"Why only cuddling?"
"She leaves if I try for more. She said she wanted to go slow."
"All right. So what is she waiting for? Or is she playing you along?"
"Of course not! She wouldn't do that."
Maya smiled. "So defensive of her. Why?"
I didn't have an answer for that.
"I guess we'll come back to that," Maya said. "How long have you been cuddling and, I presume, kissing?"
"Since late last summer."
"If she intended to go further, she would have by now," Rora said. "Perhaps it's time to move on."
"It's not like that!" I pulled away, turning my back to all of them. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. "We'll handle this our own way."
"Why is she waiting, Beria?" Malora asked.
"I don't know. She has two young children. Maybe she doesn't want things between us to grow complicated while she is responsible for them."
"Maybe," Rora said. "I didn't let that stop me."
"She has two, and they're younger than Narsana was," I pointed out.
"Do you dislike her children?" Rora asked. "As I recall, you were quite endearing with Narsana."
"They're good girls," I said. "We play."
"Sometimes or a lot."
"Four hours a day," I said. "We're using games during training to keep them interested."
"Is it working?" Nori asked.
"Yes."
"So," Rora said, "You like the girls, and they like you."
"Yes, as far as I can tell."
"Then I don't see why she is waiting on a relationship with you," Rora said. "But every mother is different, I suppose." She frowned.
"Maybe she feels I would have expectations, such as the requirement of traveling with me, and what mother wants to be away from her nine-year-old for two weeks at a time?"
"If that's it," Malora said, "I'll find someone else for your job."
"You want my resignation?"
"Not particularly, but I want this solved. You have not yet told me whether you believe you will be solving it with Lia. If not, then it is time to move on."
"No!"
"Tone, Beria."
I buried my head against my knees, growing even smaller. "She suits me," I muttered.
"She suits you?" Maya said. "That's it? She suits you? I bet she loves when you whisper that in her ear. 'Oh, Lia, you... you suit me!' Yeah. I'd have offered myself to Malora after a speech like that."
"What do you all want from me?" I asked. "Do you want me to tell you that I've forgotten Omie? Is that what you want? Well, I haven't, all right? I haven't forgotten Omie. But there's nothing I can do about that."
I lifted my head and glared at them. "I think I love Lia, but if I tell her, then it feels like I'm cheating on Omie!"
No one said a word.
"Queen Malora, if you intend to dye me purple, can we please get it over with? I believe I've said more than enough."
She didn't answer me right away. I buried my head, waiting for her to pronounce sentence.
"You could stay the night, Beria," Malora said finally.
"I believe you're still angry with me, and I'm angry with all of you. I would rather leave, if you will grant permission. If you need to dye me first, then I would prefer we get to it."
"I'm not angry anymore, Beria. Please stay."
I lifted my head and looked at her. "I told you I didn't want to talk about this. There's nothing to be done about it. I told you that and I told you that. Maybe you're not angry, but I am."
"Then listen to me very carefully, Beria. This is a problem that requires a solution. Soon. Very soon. I will give you a week."
"To do what? I'm supposed to go give her an ultimatum?"
"To come back here and tell me what you're doing about it. Or to come back here and ask for our help figuring out what to do about it. But if you do that, then you better plan on actually following our advice. If you want me to talk to her, I'll talk to her. If you want to talk to Maya alone, of course, you may, or anyone else. I need this problem solved. Solve it yourself or I will solve it for you."
"May I leave?"
"Yes."
I was out of the hut instantly and on my horse in no more time than it took to roughly saddle her. I was a little rude with her, but she was forgiving, and we were soon on our way.
* * * *
It was a terrible ride, and the voices were all over me long before I got to Lake Juna. Of course, it was late, and I almost got myself lost in the dark forest, which only made me angrier. I took care of the horse, dumped my things in my hut, and then checked to see if anyone was up.
If so, they weren't readily visible.
I stormed around for a while, eventually sitting down next to the lake and staring out over the water. It was far too cold for a swim, but I was seriously tempted anyway. A few minutes later, I heard footsteps. I recognized the tread.
"You didn't come to me," Lia said from behind me.
"I didn't want to wake you."
"I wouldn't have minded. Do you want me to leave you alone?"
I looked over my shoulder at her. I don't know what she saw in my expression, but she said, "Oh Beria, what happened? Is Maya all right?"
"Maya's fine," I said. "Everyone's fine." I turned back to the water. "No, I don't want you to leave me alone."
She stepped forward and sat down next to me.
"Are you angry with me?"
"No."
"Have you met someone else?"
"What? No!"
"This is probably the first time you've come back from one of your trips where you didn't find me right away. It may be the first time you didn't pull me into your arms or kiss me."
