Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  “My brother made me late,” he said loudly.

  Pizza Face pushed up from his desk. “You’ve been marked as absent, Ash, so go to the office and get a late note.”

  “But I’m ’ere, and no one’s left yet, so just mark me off.”

  The teacher shook his head. “Do as you’re told, Ash, or I’ll send you to the principal’s office.”

  “For what?!”

  “For always being late and rude about it.”

  “I ain’t fuckin’ rude!”

  “You’ve just proved my point.”

  Looking like he wanted to smash the teacher’s face in, Ash flicked him the finger, then stormed out, getting a yell from Pizza Face to go to the principal’s office.

  I ran after Ash, pushing past students as he ploughed his way down the corridor. I caught up with him just before the exit and grabbed his arm. He swung around, looking like he wanted to plant his fist in my face, no, not me, because his mad expression instantly dropped.

  “Sorry, Jenna, I thought you were that prick,” he said, no doubt referring to our teacher.

  “What happened? You looked frazzled even before Pizza Face got on your case.”

  He ran his fingers through his messy black hair. “Dante started a fight with Chaz,” he said, mentioning his brother and stepdad. “He threw a plate at his head, then took off. I had to help find him, which is why I wuz late.”

  “Oh… is Dante all right?”

  “No! He’s an arsehole!” he yelled, making me jolt, that word reminding me of what my brother had called me. “I’m sick of him always upsetting my mum. I don’t like Chaz that much either, but at least he isn’t a violent prick like our father. But Dante can’t see that. All he cares ’bout is tryna drive Chaz away, not givin’ a shit that it’s upsetting our mum. I’m sick of him, fuckin’ sick of him!”

  I leaned in and gave him a hug, not caring that we were attracting attention, only concerned about Ash. “I’m here for you,” I said, and meaning every word.

  Ash breathed out shakily and hugged me back. “Thanks. Can we get outta ’ere now? I really can’t stomach school today.”

  I pulled back. “Yeah, sure.”

  “Can we go to your house?”

  I nodded, my nerves returning, the very real possibility that we were going to have sex freaking me out.

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the exit as though someone was chasing us. As we descended the stairs, Ash let go of my hand and sprinted across the school’s front yard. I ran after him, but he was going too fast for me to keep up. I yelled at him to slow down. He kept on running, like he was trying to escape everyone—including me. It wasn’t until he turned onto my road that he finally slowed down, or I did anyway. Fighting for breath, I half-yelled, half-wheezed for him to stop, because, good God, he was fast, even when he was supposedly going slow. He ran back to me, not looking puffed at all. The guy was way too fit for his—or my own good. I punched him in the arm without thinking, getting an Ow! in return.

  “What wuz that for?” he said, rubbing his bicep.

  “Next time go slow, you almost killed me.”

  A smile broke through his frown. “Not my fault you run like an old fart who smokes too much.”

  I punched his arm again, though a lot softer, this time making him laugh. Happy to see a smile back on his face, I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards my house. As we neared the front door, which was practically kissing the pavement, our yard non-existent, I let go of his hand and opened up.

  “You know, you don’t hafta do this if ya don’t wanna,” he said.

  “Quit it,” I replied, knowing he was referring to sex. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t. Now, get inside before someone sees us.”

  I followed him in and flicked the lock, also pulling the chain across.

  “It’s just... you always say no,” he said, “then outta the blue you wanna do it. I don’t want you thinking I’m pressuring you.”

  I smiled at him, thinking he was so sweet for saying it. “You’re not pressuring me at all. It’s just... if two people love each other it’s what they should do.”

  He pressed his lips together, giving me that uncomfortable silence that always accompanied my words of love. It didn’t matter, because he would be saying ‘I love you’ within the hour.

  I was sure of that.

  I grabbed his hand and dragged him to my bedroom. He stopped in the doorway, almost causing my arm to rip out of its socket from the sudden jolt.

  “I don’t have any condoms,” he said, looking upset.

  “I’ve got two,” I replied. “I stole them from Vic.”

  Ash slipped past me and sat down on my bed, his expression almost scared. It wasn’t something I expected to see, because he was usually the keen one. Or maybe he was having second thoughts? I brushed it off, pretty sure that wasn’t the case, since he wouldn’t have looked upset when he’d thought we didn’t have condoms.

  I shut the door and pulled off my backpack, dumping it on my bed. I removed the condoms from my rolled-up gym shorts and held them out for Ash to take. He stared at them as though they were diseased.

  “Take them,” I said, waving the condoms in front of his face.

  He took them off me, his olive complexion turning red. “How are we gonna do this?” he asked.

  I shrugged, surprised he didn’t know. I’d assumed he would. Was he a virgin too?

  “Maybe we can start kissing, then take it from there,” he said.

  “Sure.” I sat down next to him and did just that, attaching my lips to his. Though doubts still floated in my head, making me wonder whether he would’ve preferred to be kissing Tiana instead. It made me frown.

  He pulled back. “You don’t wanna do this, do you?”

  Needing to wash away all of his doubts, I grabbed his head and kissed him harder. He returned the kiss, then before I knew it, he had my blouse open and my bra unhooked, reassuring me that he was experienced, that he would lead the way.

  We continued to kiss as Ash fondled my breasts, making all thought disappear, my desire for him taking over. He eventually broke the kiss and removed his shirt, his awesome abs grabbing my attention. Then he was up onto his feet, shunting off his pants and underwear, making my eyes pop out as his hard cock swung in front of me.

  He stopped kicking off his pants and covered his crotch, his face going bright red again. “Why’re you staring at it?”

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

  “Are you changing your mind?” he asked.

  I shook my head, although I was, because he was too big, even bigger than the guy who’d fucked Virginal Vicky. And I’d only pushed a thin tampon up my hoo-ha once and that had hurt. Since then, I’d never used them again, but what Ash had... Shit! I was definitely wanting to change my mind.

  Not looking like he believed me, he sat down on the bed and swiped up his pants. “I knew you didn’t wanna do it.”

  I snapped out of my daze and wrapped my arms around him. “No, I do, I just didn’t realise how huge you were.”

  His upset expression instantly disappeared. “You reckon I’m big?”

  “Not big, huge.”

  He laughed. “I thought it put you off.”

  “Nope,” I lied. “I just didn’t expect you to have a third leg down there. My brothers’ cocks are way smaller.”

  He laughed again. “You’ve seen your brothers’ cocks?”

  “Yeah, when the gross sods did a pissing contest.” I wiggled my little finger. “They had li’l weenies.”

  Ash sniggered. “I do pissing contests with Joel and he always loses.”

  I grinned wide. “I bet it’s ’cause he has a tiny dick like my brothers.”

  “I don’t look, but I’ve still got a bigger one.”

  “How do you know it’s bigger if you haven’t looked?”

  He uncovered himself and pointed to it. “I’ve got proof,” he said, laughing.

  I laughed back, then kissed h
is cheek.

  His face went serious. “So, do you wanna kiss or fuck? Cos I’ll do whatever you want.”

  “Maybe we could try having sex?”

  His dark eyes lit up. “Cool.”

  He pushed me onto the bed and kissed me again, moving his lips down my neck. My breath quickened as they continued lower, latching onto one of my breasts. It felt good, no, it felt great, what he was doing making me groan and wriggle about. Not wanting him to stop, I grabbed his head, but he pulled back. He climbed off the bed and ripped open one of the condoms, sliding it on, grimacing as he did it.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “The condom. You weren’t joking ’bout your bros bein’ small.”

  I swallowed, getting nervous again, the condom not covering all of his cock.

  He shrugged. “It should be fine.”

  I closed my eyes as he climbed back onto the bed, my heartbeat picking up rapidly, fear replacing desire. Next thing, I felt my skirt and knickers get pulled off. I willed myself not to cry. Although I was scared of what he was doing, I didn’t want him to stop, because this was why I was here...

  To make him love me.

  To keep him with me.

  “Move up the bed,” he said.

  I opened my eyes and scooted up, willing myself not to shake. We were both naked and seconds away from doing it.

  He followed me up the bed, his eyes filled with a mixture of lust and uncertainty.

  “Kiss me,” I said.

  He leaned over and did just that. I closed my eyes again, pretending we were both clothed and just kissing, that nothing else was going to happen. Then he nudged my legs apart. I kept repeating in my head, we’re just kissing, we’re just kissing...

  He pulled away from the kiss. “You okay?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “Then open your eyes.”

  I opened them and looked up at his beautiful face. He looked worried, like he was doing the wrong thing. Would he have held back with Tiana?

  “You still wanna do this?” he asked for like the millionth time.

  I nodded, wishing he would stop asking, because every single time I felt like saying no.

  He smiled, then kissed me on the lips, allowing me to close my eyes again. I felt something prod me below, almost making me jump, but instead, I gripped onto his hair and kissed him harder, so I didn’t think about what was happening below my waist. Then intense pain ripped through me. Gasping, I let go of his hair and snapped open my eyes, seeing his cock partway inside of me. He gasped at the same time, his eyes going saucer wide as though it pained him too. I panted, trying to control the pain as well as the fear of losing my virginity, which was ridiculous, considering he was already inside of me. Still, he wasn’t all of the way in, which meant I was still a virgin—or at least half a one. That thought instantly disappeared when he slammed the rest of the way in, no halves about it, only red-hot agony. I screamed, feeling like he’d split me apart.

  He froze, panic flooding his features. “Oh God, you all right?”

  “It hurts, it hurts,” I cried.

  He pulled out rapidly, the movement making me cry out again.

  “Shit!” he said. “You’re bleeding!”

  I glanced down, seeing blood on his condom and my vagina. Stunned, I looked back up at him. He stared down at me with horror, as though he’d stabbed me with a knife instead of his cock, murdering both of our innocence.

  He quickly scrambled off the bed. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” he said, whipping the condom off.

  “It must be my period,” I blurted out, although I knew it wasn’t, since I’d had it last week. But I had to say something, because he looked close to tears.

  His face dropped, a different type of horror filling his eyes, one tainted with disgust. Then he grabbed his undies and pulled them on, getting the rest of his clothes on in record time. I sat up, still in pain, but more scared, the blood below terrifying me.

  “I should go.” He took off, leaving me in shock over what had happened, and in even more shock that he’d just up and left. I started crying, telling myself I was still a virgin, that sex couldn’t be like this, that people in love were supposed to love it.

  The front door closed, telling me that Ash had left. I couldn’t believe he’d run out like that. I needed him here with me. He’d made me bleed, had hurt me.

  I pushed off the bed and slowly headed for the shower, continuing to cry as I cleaned myself. I checked to see whether he’d split me below, but there was nothing, not even a scrape or cut, just throbbing pain, which made no sense, considering how much I’d bled. Or maybe he’d damaged me inside... Or maybe it was my fault, that something was wrong with my vagina, because Cassidy had never mentioned bleeding the first time. She hadn’t even mentioned it hurting.

  After spending ages under the water, I eventually got out and dried myself off. I threw on my PJs and crawled into bed, closing my eyes, just wanting to fall asleep so I didn’t have to think about it.

  A loud bang jolted me. I opened my eyes and glanced at the clock, surprised that it was almost lunch-time. I would’ve sworn I’d only just closed my eyes.

  Footsteps approached my room, then a knock rattled the door. “Jenna, you in there?” my mum called out.

  “Yes,” I said softly, half hoping she didn’t hear me.

  The doorknob turned and she entered. She looked like me, just with darker hair and older. Obviously. “Are you sick, love?” she asked, making a beeline for me.

  I nodded.

  She sat down on the bed next to me and placed a hand on my forehead. “You’re a bit warm, but not too much. You should’ve called me. I would’ve picked you up from school.”

  “I didn’t wanna bother you,” I lied, realising the school would’ve phoned her, like all the other times I’d skipped out.

  “It’s no bother, you’re more important than work.”

  I felt like crying at her words. She’d come home because she’d been worried about me, whereas Ash knew I was hurt, yet had run.

  My mother frowned. “Have you been crying?”

  I nodded again.

  “Are you sore?”

  I nodded.

  “Where, love?”

  “My head,” I lied, knowing it was really my heart.

  “I’ll go get you some Panadol, then.”

  She left the room, making me wish I’d told her the truth. But how could I tell her that I’d had sex? I couldn’t. So, when she came back, I took the headache medicine and swallowed it down with a glass of water. I stayed in bed for the rest of the day, Mum coming in every so often to check on me, along with my dad when he got home. I eventually fell asleep, thinking about Ash. About the look on his face. The horror I saw there when I’d screamed.

  The next morning, I woke to Mum sitting on my bed, asking if I was well enough to go to school. I said I wasn’t. She wanted to stay at home with me, but I convinced her to go to work, which was a mistake, because as soon as everyone had left the house all I could think about was Ash, and what had happened. Him running away upset me the most, and even worse, he hadn’t called, not even to check if I was okay. By twelve I had worked myself up to anger, wanting to yell and scream at him.

  I pushed out of bed and got dressed to go to school, not in my school uniform, because I had no intention of staying. All I wanted to do was to confront Ash, praying that he had a good reason why he hadn’t phoned me.

  I left the house and headed for school. When I got there, I found Ash hanging with his friends outside the metalwork room. Joel was sitting next to him, laughing his head off, causing his dreadlocks to bounce about like wriggly snakes. They hadn’t noticed me standing watching them from across the quad. Ash didn’t look hurt at all, he looked perfectly fine. Both his hands were there, all his fingers available to CALL ME! And I bet he’d told his mates what had happened, about what a loser I was at sex. That was probably why Joel was laughing.

  Joel let out another bark of laughter,
Ant also joining in. Then Tiana and Joel’s stepsister walked up to the group. Anger raged through me. Red, hot, and so blinding I felt like beating the shit out of her. That was why Ash hadn’t called me! Now he’d fucked me, he’d moved on to Tiana, the bloody bitch finally succeeding in stealing my man.

  Beyond angry, I stormed across the quad and shoved Tiana, but instead of smashing her face in, I launched into a tirade at Ash. “You arsehole!” I yelled at him, making him jolt. “I can’t believe you did that to me!”

  All his mates looked up at me in shock, unlike Ash, who just looked horrified. But I didn’t care about how he felt anymore, I was beyond caring after what he’d done.

  “You’re supposed to be my boyfriend!” I spat out, so mad that I wanted to punch him in his perfect face. “Yet you just left! You didn’t give a stuff about how I was feeling, otherwise you wouldn’t have taken off like some coward. You didn’t even call me! I was hurt, but did you care? No! You’re scum, Ash Rata, utter scum!”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, in a small voice. “I didn’t mean to. Our phone wuz cut off.”

  “Liar! You didn’t call, ’cause you’ve moved on to Tiana!”

  “That’s not true, I’m not with—”

  I cut him off, having had enough of his bullshit. “Just shut up! Nothing you say is worth shit!”

  Joel shot to his feet, his expression furious. “Watch your mouth, bitch!”

  I tilted my face up to Joel’s. “Is Ash so useless that you have to defend him? That he can’t even stand up for himself, or fuck for shit?”

  “What the fuck are you talkin’ ’bout?”

  “Ash can’t fuck!” I yelled.

  My gaze snapped to Ash as he went to get up. He looked primed to take off, leaving me like he did the day before. I shot in front of him before he could, forcing him to face what he’d done.

  I glared at him. “You just shoved it in, then took off when I screamed. Who does that?”

  “He fucked you?” Joel spoke over me, his voice going higher with surprise.

  I stopped yelling at Ash, realising my slip up. My face fired up, mortified that everyone knew I’d had sex with him. Panicked, I spun around and ran until I was in the girls’ bogs, locking myself in a stall. I sat down on the toilet seat and started crying, not believing what had happened.