Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  Joel sniggered. “He caught you wanking? Shame!”

  “Yeah, totally ruined it, wuz just ’bout to come too.”

  Joel cracked up. “I’d die from embarrassment if that happened to me.”

  “Yeah. Chaz’s eyes almost bugged out. He couldn’t get outta there fast enough. Kept lookin’ at me funny over dinner. I felt like a total egg.”

  Joel hit his locker, looking like he was going to piss himself from laughing so hard.

  Marko came up behind us. “What’s so funny?”

  “His-his stepdad...” Joel said, still laughing, “walked in on him wanking.”

  Marko snorted out a laugh. “Total shame, man.”

  “That’s what I said!” Joel hooted.

  I pulled a face. “You wouldn’t find it so funny if someone did that to you.”

  “I’ve asked Lavinia to do it loads of times,” Joel sniggered, “but she just yells as me.”

  I shook my head and stuffed my feet into my boots. “Big difference, she’s a chick, not a dude.” I grabbed my bag and headed out of the changing room, wishing my mum hadn’t gotten remarried, my stepdad making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

  9

  ASH

  July

  Everything was going sweet today. I’d passed my English test, got an A+ for an Art project, and had laughed my arse off when Jenna walked into a door, all because she was too busy looking back at me. And to top it off, Tiana had let me feel her tits behind the gym, although she pretended she hadn’t. Her thrusting chest and hard nipples had said otherwise, only her Catholic guilt stopping her from admitting it.

  She pushed to her feet beside me, looking all hot and flustered, emphasis on the hot part, because she was one gorgeous chick. She had long brown hair, caramel-coloured skin, and stunning almond-shaped eyes that made me melt like a fucking pussy. When my mates had found out I’d gotten together with her, they’d joked that the “Polynesian princess” was slumming it, and although I would never admit it to them, I agreed that she was way too good for me.

  “We better get to gym class,” she said, when I didn’t get up.

  I tapped the gym wall. “We’re close enough, plus we’re already exercising.” I waggled my tongue at her, getting a blush as a reward.

  She placed her hands on her hips. “Don’t get smart with me, Ashley Rata,” she said, sounding more like a teacher than a student.

  “Only old people call me Ashley, and you defo didn’t feel old.” I held my hands out, pretending to squeeze tits.

  “Ash!” she squealed, her cheeks turning even redder.

  I snorted out a laugh and pushed to my feet, winking at Tiana as I sauntered past her, feeling like I was walking on air. She quickly followed me around the corner of the building, running past me to get to the girls’ changing room, probably paranoid she’d get in trouble. Not worried in the slightest, I took my time walking to the boys’ changing room, humming along the way. In a fan-fucking-tastic mood, I pushed through the door, accidentally slamming it against the wall. Llewellyn Davies spun around at the noise, shrieking as his eyes landed on Ant, who’d been standing right behind him. Looking terrified, Llewellyn went to back up, but before he could, Ant grabbed the li’l dude’s shorts and yanked them down, along with his underwear.

  “I knew he wuz a girl!” Ant hollered, pointing at Llewellyn’s crotch, which barely showed anything. I gaped, because his dick was seriously tiny, like micro. If it wasn’t for the fact he didn’t have a pussy, I’d swear it was just a big clit. It didn’t even look like he had balls, just puffy skin around his clit... I mean, dick.

  “It’s the size of a clit!” Ant voiced my thoughts. He started cracking up. A few other guys also started laughing, although the majority just shook their heads and turned back to their lockers.

  Llewellyn yanked up his pants, looking like he was going to burst into tears, making me feel bad that I hadn’t done anything to stop his humiliation. Though, there was little I could do, the damage already done.

  “Christ, you’re a prick, Ant,” I said loudly. “Pick on someone your own size.”

  Ant spun around, his expression surprised. I hadn’t challenged him over what he did to Llewellyn since the volleyball game, but fuck it if I was letting him get away with pulling down the guy’s pants. That was a no-go zone, something you just didn’t do to another guy.

  He stomped over to me. “What the fuck did’ja say?!” he yelled, puffing himself up, trying to make me feel small. But it wasn’t going to work, because I wasn’t scared of him.

  I straightened to my full height. “You heard me. You’re a prick who doesn’t know when to stop picking on li’l kids.”

  “You ain’t so li’l, so how ’bout I smash you in your fag face.” He shoved me into the lockers.

  I shoved him back. “You’re the fag for pulling down Llewellyn’s pants.”

  He went still, his nose practically flaring, like a crazed bull ready to charge. I’d seen the look before when he’d attacked other guys, which was why I knew what was coming. Before he could smash me over, I barged into him, taking him down. He landed on the concrete floor with a loud shout, then started hitting out at me. I hit back, punching him in the face, knowing I was taking things too far, just not caring, because he never gave a shit when he took things too far with Llewellyn.

  Ant landed a good shot to my side. Pretty sure I was going to be pissing blood for a while, I rolled off him, groaning in pain. Ant climbed on top of me, looking like he was going to smash my face in, but before he could, Marko yanked him off me. Joel ran to help me up, but instead shot in front of me as Ant went for me again. Marko knocked Ant aside before the bastard could do any harm to Joel. Ant spun around on Marko and shoved him, then Marko just lost it, totally went bat-shit crazy on Ant, something I’d never seen before. Yeah, they had scraps, but nothing like this, not vicious, full-out punching that could do some serious damage. Marko didn’t do vicious, he did nice.

  Ant gave back as good as he got, everyone scrambling to get out of their way as the two barrelled into lockers, walls, and benches, damaging everything in their path like King Kong and freaking Godzilla. Both me and Joel backed up some more, definitely not willing to get in the middle of the two giants no matter how much we wanted to stop the fight.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Llewellyn go for the exit. His gaze stopped on me for a moment, then he disappeared out the door. Seconds later, the door flung open. Mr. Daniels came rushing in. The P.E. teacher yelled at Ant and Marko to stop, but the two were in their own world. They were on the floor wrestling, punching, scrapping, using elbows, fists, feet, and even teeth. It was fucking brutal!

  “Ant! Marko! Stop!” Mr. Daniels hollered.

  As though Mr. Daniels’ voice had finally found the right wavelength, the two best mates stopped and looked up at the gym teacher, who was also our rugby coach. Both of them gave Mr. Daniels an ‘Oh shit!’ look, since they knew they were going to be benched for fighting. I swore, because it was the worst possible timing for them not to be playing, the game against Claydon High this weekend.

  “My. Office. Now!” Mr. Daniels hollered, his pretty-boy face an angry mask of red.

  Marko and Ant scrambled to their feet, quickly shuffling out of the changing room. I turned to Joel, wondering what the hell just happened. Ant wasn’t a surprise, he always lost his rag, but Marko going postal was not something I ever expected to see.

  “What the fuck wuz that?” I said.

  “Ant had it coming,” Joel answered.

  “Maybe, but Marko never loses his rag.”

  “He does when Ant fucks his cousin.”

  My eyebrows shot up. “What did’ja just say?”

  “Ant fucked Marko’s cousin. That fight had nuthin’ to do with you or Llewellyn.”

  “Why am I only just learning ’bout this now?”

  “It happened on Saturday at that party you couldn’t go to. I walked in on Ant fucking Marko’s cousin up the arse. It wuz blo
ody gross, cos that chick seriously looks like a dude.”

  “Christ!”

  “Yeah, but it’s not really Ant’s fault if Lena wanted him, plus he wuz pissed off his tree. He pro’bly wouldn’t have done her if he wuz sober. Still, shit for us, cos now we hafta deal with Marko and Ant barking at each other. Man, I shoulda kept my mouth shut.”

  “Yeah, you got that right,” I said, not looking forward to the next few weeks. Marko usually forgave Ant for any crap he did, but when it came to his relatives, Marko was like a papa bear looking out for his cubs, which meant the aggro between Ant and Marko was going to last a while.

  10

  ASH

  August

  Dante had returned from juvie earlier in the week, said he preferred to stay there than be at home. I wondered what his fucking problem was. Yeah, I knew he didn’t like our stepdad, but for fuck’s sake, at least Chaz wasn’t violent like our father. Because of it, I pretty much ignored Dante all week, which was why I was inside, instead of out back, kicking the rugby ball around.

  A yell came from the backyard. I walked into the kitchen and looked out the window to see what was happening. Dante and Sledge had ganged up on Juliet, tossing her doll between each other. I went to go sort it out, because I hated them picking on her, but Mum started sniffling. She was sitting at the kitchen table, de-stringing green beans. She wiped her eyes and continued what she was doing. I sat down next to her and picked up a bean, snapping the top off and removing the stringy part. I wanted to cheer her up, but no words would come to me.

  She gave me a smile, although it was a sad one. “You’re such a good boy, Ashley.” She sighed. “Dante used to be good too. It’s like he’s been replaced with a totally different person. All I want is my sweet baby boy back.”

  I dropped my bean into the plastic bowl on the table. “I think he’s gone mental like Father.”

  She looked back up at me, her brows knitting together. She stared at me for a bit, then her eyes widened. “You could be right.”

  My eyebrows shot up, shocked she thought Dante was mental. Me saying that was normal, but her agreeing was definitely not. “You think he’s mental?”

  “Not mental, as such, but I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with him. You’re right, he’s acting like your dad with the way he’s lashing out at everyone.”

  “He’s doin’ it cos he hates Chaz.”

  She shook her head, causing her black ponytail to sway back and forth. “I originally thought that, but I think there’s more to it, and with the way your dad turned out, I’m not taking any risks. On Monday I’m phoning the doctor. Hopefully he can put me onto a good psychologist or psychiatrist. I want to have Dante assessed, after all, there’s mental illness on your dad’s side. Your Nanna Tui wasn’t right in the head.”

  “I didn’t know that.”

  “Not something people talk about.”

  I nodded. I’d only met my father's mum a few times before she died.

  Mum picked up the bowl of beans and headed for the sink, dumping them into the water. She started washing them, looking lost in thought.

  I got up. “What did Nanna have?”

  “Not sure, your dad wouldn’t say, but with the way she acted, she could’ve been bipolar. I never liked seeing her, because she snapped very easily.” Mum shook her head. “She was a moody woman, would go between being extremely happy to yelling at someone within seconds.”

  “Like Father,” I said, never calling him ‘Dad’, because he didn’t deserve that title after the way he’d treated me. When Mum had found out that he’d punched me, she demanded a divorce, which had led to him losing it. He’d attacked her, as well as me when I’d tried to defend her, even Hunter, who’d tried to subdue him. My father had gone ape-shit on all of us, the drugs turning him into a monster. Yeah, he definitely didn’t deserve the title of ‘Dad’.

  Mum frowned. “And like Dante.”

  She looked down at her hands. They were shaking. She turned back to the sink, continuing to wash the beans. I stepped in closer and gave her a peck on the cheek.

  She turned to me, looking surprised. “What was that for?”

  “Cos I love you and I won’t change like Dante.”

  She smiled sadly. “You’re such a sweet boy.”

  I screwed up my face. “I’m not a boy, I’m a man.”

  She laughed. “Not yet, hun, but you will make a good one, and a good husband too.”

  I shook my head. “I’m never gettin’ married.”

  “But I want to be a baba,” she said, using the Croatian word for grandmother.

  “I can still have children—when I’m old like you.”

  “You cheeky thing,” she laughed, messing up my hair, also getting it wet from the bean water.

  “Hey! Don’t touch my hair!” I said, but unlike with my stepdad, I didn’t really mind her touching it—as long as her hands weren’t wet.

  “It’ll teach you for being cheeky.” She pointed a finger at me. “And when you have kids, you’ll be in your twenties and married.”

  “In my twenties maybe, but not married.”

  “And why’s that?”

  “Cos marriage doesn’t work.”

  “Maybe not for your father and me, but your baba and dida have been married for donkey’s years. And your uncle and aunty have been too.”

  “I still don’t wanna get married.”

  “You might change your mind when you’re older.”

  “Nope.”

  She smiled. “We’ll see.”

  I lifted my chin, although I had a smirk on my face. “Yeah, we’ll see. I’ll give you a hundred grandchildren, but all from different mothers.”

  “You cheeky boy.” She put her hands in the water and flicked them at me.

  “Hey!” I yelled, doing the same back to her. She started laughing, the both of us splashing water at each other, getting our clothes and the floor wet.

  A scream came from the backyard, stopping us. We looked out the window at a wailing Juliet. She was holding her doll in her hands, but it was in two pieces. Both Dante and Sledge were laughing, the li’l arseholes obviously having done it.

  “Those horrible beggars,” Mum gasped. “They are in for it!” She went storming out the back door, yelling at Sledge and Dante. “Get to your rooms. NOW!”

  Sledge started arguing.

  Mum thrust her hand out, pointing at the house. “In your room. NOW! Before I crush your cars.”

  “It wuz Dante!” Sledge yelled.

  “No, it wuzn’t!” Dante retorted. “He did it with the axe.”

  He took hold of Sledge’s shoulders and spun him around. Sledge was holding the wood axe behind his back, his chubby li’l hands gripping onto it tight. He dropped it and sprinted for the side of the house, hollering like he was already getting his arse smacked, which was ridiculous, since Mum never smacked him. She took off after him, shouting at him to come back.

  I headed down the back steps, giving Dante a glare, knowing he’d probably talked Sledge into doing it. The arsehole always got Sledge to do his dirty work, like when Sledge had put worms into our stepdad’s shoes.

  Juliet ran to me, holding the pieces of her doll out, tears streaming down her chubby cheeks.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it,” I said, taking it off her. Sledge had cut it cleanly across the neck, decapitating the doll. But I knew I could put it back together. I was good at fixing things, had even fixed the VCR after Sledge had jammed a piece of bread in it. The li’l dumb-arse had thought it would work like a toaster.

  Juliet wiped her eyes and smiled at me, making me smile back at her, my baby sister adorable.

  Dante rolled his eyes. “You’re such a sappy shit,” he said to me.

  I shot him a glare. “While you’re an arsehole.”

  “And you’re a suck up.”

  “Like hell I am.”

  “Yes, you are!” His expression darkened, anger flashing across his eyes. “And everything’
s your fault!”

  I blinked, surprised by his outburst. “What the hell did I do to you?”

  “My life is shit cos of you!” He spun around and took off, heading down the other side of the house, leaving me standing in the same place, not knowing what I’d done wrong.

  “He’s a fibber,” Juliet said. “It’s not your fault. Never ever is.”

  I looked at her. “I know. I did nuthin’ to him.”

  “Yeah! He’s just a meanie,” she said, wrapping her little arms around me. “And I love you the mostest.”

  I hugged her back. “I love you the mostest too.”

  She smiled up at me. People called her ugly, but I thought she had the sweetest face ever, and her smile was even lovelier, along with her nature. I kissed her head, definitely knowing she was my favourite.

  “Will you fix my dolly now?” she asked.

  I let her go. “Sure.”

  She smiled wider. “Thanks, Ashy!” She turned and ran for the playhouse, disappearing inside, happy once more, Juliet having complete confidence that I would make her doll whole again.

  With the two pieces in my hands, I headed back inside the house, still bugged that Dante was blaming me for whatever he thought I’d done wrong. I knew he was full of bullshit, that I’d done nothing to him, but it still made me feel like crap.

  I walked down the passage, glancing into my mum and stepdad’s bedroom when I heard a sound. My stepdad was sitting on the bed with his face in his hands, crying. Taken aback, I stopped in my tracks, never having seen him cry before. He continued to cry, making me feel awkward and unsure of what to do. Deciding it was best to leave before he noticed me, I went to do just that, but he looked up right at that moment, catching me.

  He wiped his face and stood up, then in the blink of an eye, he was pulling me into a hug. I just stood there, not knowing what the fuck to do as he cried on my shoulder. After a few moments of feeling intensely uncomfortable, I awkwardly patted his back, wishing he’d let go of me.