Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  He instantly stopped laughing. “Shit, don’t cry,” he said, pulling my hands away from my face.

  I kept my eyes sealed shut, unable to look at him.

  “Honestly, I wuzn’t laughing at you,” he said, “so open your eyes.”

  I shook my head. “You did laugh at me.”

  “No, I laughed at Tiana kissing a girl.”

  I opened my eyes, not understanding what he was saying. “What?”

  He let go of my wrists. “If you’re half girl, then Tiana kissed a girl. Remember, she had to kiss you for Othello?”

  “I kissed her and it was embarrassing. She told me to stop wearing Cherry ChapStick.”

  Ash snorted out a laugh. “Sorry, it’s just funny she kissed a girl.”

  “I’m not a girl, I’m a boy.”

  “But you just said you’re half girl.” He smirked. “And you wear Cherry ChapStick, like girls wear.”

  I blinked at him.

  He gave my arm a pat. “So, chill, dude or dudedess, I really wuzn’t laughing at you. Though, it’s freaky what you said.” He frowned. “Wait a mo, you don’t have a pussy, so how can you be half a girl?”

  I felt my cheeks flush, remembering he’d seen my crotch after Ant had pulled my pants down.

  Ash pressed his lips together for a moment. “Sorry, didn’t meana embarrass you. Just wuz curious. Never met a hermaphrodite.”

  “A part one.”

  “Which parts?”

  “You’re right, I don’t have a vagina.”

  He frowned. “Then how can you be part chick?”

  “I strap my chest, because I have breasts.”

  “They could just be man-boobs.”

  “At first I thought they were, but they kept on growing, so my mam got them checked out, and the doctor said they’re definitely female breasts. I also get pain below my stomach every month, which is a period. I just can’t bleed like a girl.”

  He scrunched up his face. “I don’t wanna know that! Periods are gross.”

  A small smile played across my lips, his reaction amusing. “I also have something else, which is why my mam got me tested.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t want to say, it’s too embarrassing,” I replied, my tiny penis definitely not something I wanted to talk about. A second later, I remembered he’d already seen it. “Just don’t tell anyone. I shouldn’t have even told you.”

  “Why’d ja tell me then?”

  I shrugged. “You’re nice.”

  He scrunched up his face again. “No, I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are. No one else has ever sat with me before.”

  “That’s cos Ant would’ve scared people off.”

  “No, it was the same at my last school. People hate me.”

  “Don’t see why, you’re really nice.”

  My chest swelled with his comment. “I am?”

  “Yeah.” He moved back, probably having just realised he was still sitting right in front of me.

  “Thanks.” I pushed my hair behind my ears, the sides now long enough. I wanted to grow it again, making it even longer just to spite Ant.

  Ash opened his mouth, looking like he was going to say something, but instead looked up at the gate that separated us from the school. Jenna Hamilton was pushing it open. Her gaze landed on us, a look of disbelief colouring her expression, probably because the most popular boy was sitting with the most unpopular one.

  “Ash,” she said. “Are you all right?”

  Ash nodded.

  She pointed at me. “Then why are you sitting with Ginger instead of your mates—and by the way, where’s Tiana?”

  “She’s feeling sick and Louie is my new mate.”

  I smiled at the name Louie, liking how familiar and right it sounded coming from Ash. It spoke of friendship, something I badly wanted.

  Jenna gave me a scowl, which, although was scary, it didn’t matter, because Ash wouldn’t let her or anyone hurt me—just as long as I stuck by his side, which was the plan.

  “He’s your mate? Nah, you’re playing with me,” she said, flicking her gaze between Ash and me. I almost felt like touching Ash’s leg to tell her he was mine, but knew both of them would hit me for it, so I kept my hands to myself, and continued to grin at her. She glared at me, her blue eyes basically telling me, ‘You don’t have a chance with him.’ I stared right back, my expression saying, ‘You wanna bet?’

  She huffed and sat down in front of Ash, who shimmied away from her, moving closer to me. It made me smile wider, because now our sides were touching.

  Ash scowled at her. “Go away, Jenna.”

  “No, I wanna have lunch with you. You’re always avoiding me.”

  “Maybe it’s cos you hurt Kelley,” I said.

  Jenna’s face dropped, making me feel a little guilty for bringing it up.

  “What did she do to Kelley?” Ash asked, surprising me by the question, because I’d assumed he already knew.

  Jenna shook her head at me, her eyes pleading with me not to say anything, but I smashed on regardless, because Ash had a right to know what the horrible girl had done to Kelley, especially since I liked Kelley.

  “She chased Kelley,” I said to Ash. “She wanted to beat her up for going near you. Kelley ran out onto the road to get away from her and got hit by a van. She can’t walk now, and is still in the hospital,” I relayed what Kelley had told me.

  Our mothers worked together, so when my mam visited Kelley I’d tagged along. Kelley hadn’t spoken a word to us, not even to acknowledge our presence, until my mam left the room for a phone call. That was when Kelley opened up to me, telling me everything, just making me promise not to tell her mother. I’d promised, but that promise didn’t extend to Ash.

  His loud, “What?!” told me that Jenna was toast. She started shaking her head vigorously, blurting out excuses, telling Ash it wasn’t her fault.

  “Go away!” he yelled at her.

  “No, Ash, listen to me. Kelley caused this, not me.”

  “Bullshit!” he hollered, his face turning so red it looked like he was going explode.

  She reached out to touch him.

  He knocked her hand away and jumped to his feet. “Go back to your mate Ant,” he spat, “cos you two are fuckin’ the same. Lowlife scum who destroy other people’s lives.”

  Jenna started bawling her eyes out, something I’d never seen her do before, even when I’d witnessed her getting punched in the face by a tough Tongan girl. She got up and reached for Ash again, begging for his forgiveness, looking so desperate I knew in that moment she was in love with him.

  He stepped back, banging into the wall of the warehouse. “Don’t touch me!”

  She stood there for a moment, looking like she didn’t know what to say or do. Though, I could imagine her brain cells crashing around inside of her head, frantically trying to come up with something to pacify Ash. Probably coming to the conclusion that she couldn’t, Ash’s expression showing nothing but contempt for her; she took off around the side of the warehouse, heading in the opposite direction from the school.

  Ash watched her go, then swiped his bag up, making me jump to my feet, panicked he was going to take off after her, to apologise or something. “Where are you going?” I asked, hooking my bag on my shoulder.

  “To the beach.”

  “The beach?”

  “Yeah, you wanna come?”

  “But, what about school?”

  “Fuck school, I’m goin’ swimming. You comin’ or not?”

  I nodded. I would’ve gone with him if he’d said he was going to jump off a cliff, so we headed out together. I smiled, realising what this meant. Since we were going swimming, Ash would have to take off his shirt. I just hoped that I didn’t stare, because he had such a nice body. I’d seen it enough times in the changing rooms, although I only caught fleeting glimpses since Ant was usually watching me, making me want to get out of there as fast as possible.

  It took us just over thirty mi
nutes to get to Claydon Beach, and all of a second once we were there for me to realise I’d stuffed up. Ash started stripping off his clothes, only leaving on his boxers, then ran for the water, stopping when I didn’t follow him. I remained where I was, holding my bag against my chest, not knowing what to do. There was no way I was going to strip to my underwear, which were briefs, not boxers like Ash’s. Plus, I didn’t trust my dick not to rise for him. Though, it was so small he probably wouldn’t notice even if it was hard. Still, I didn’t want him to see my pathetic body. I was pale and skinny, not something he would find attractive. I also had my chest strapped down. That thought instantly perked me up, because he would probably like seeing that—proof that I had breasts.

  He started walking back to me, looking like heaven on a sunny spring day. “I thought you wanted to go swimming.”

  “I don’t have swimwear.”

  Ash pointed to his boxers. “I don’t have any either, but when you’re at the beach gruds turn into togs.”

  “But I’m wearing briefs.”

  He grinned. “Budgie-smugglers are mega shameful.”

  “Budgie what?”

  “It’s what my stepdad calls speedos.” His face dropped, the mention of his stepfather undoubtedly having caused it. It made my chest tighten, because I didn’t like seeing him upset, so I dropped my bag and started undressing, even though I was totally scared out of my wits, but at least the upset on his face disappeared when I pulled down my pants. He started laughing, then covered his mouth, muffling an apology. I knew I looked funny in my underwear, especially since they were the love hearts ones that my mam had bought me, but I still would’ve humiliated myself just to hear Ash laugh.

  “Really, dude,” he said, “I’m sorry, but what made you wear those, even under clothes, cos you would’ve been crucified in the locker room.”

  I shrugged. “I get changed in the toilets most of the time,” because I don’t like Ant staring at me.

  “You’re such a girl at times,” Ash said, still standing there in his boxers, making me repeat ‘Betty’s boobs’ over and over in my head so I didn’t get hard, my neighbour having the ugliest breasts ever.

  Ash smiled. “Which totally makes sense now.” His eyes went to my shirt. “You really have tits under there?”

  I nodded.

  “Guess you can’t take it off, then.”

  “No, it’s fine. Remember I said I have them strapped down.” I started undoing my shirt buttons, Ash seemingly enraptured by it. I glanced at his crotch, disappointed that his dick was still soft. He was probably only looking out of curiosity, not desire, to see if I was telling the truth.

  I slipped my shirt off, the strapping around my chest completely hiding my breasts.

  “Shit!” he said, staring in awe. “You weren’t bullshitting.” His gaze dropped to my crotch, curiosity once more playing across his lovely face. “Does your dick get hard?” His head whipped up. “I didn’t mean that in a pervy way,” he blurted out, seemingly embarrassed, “just wuz wondering since you’re so flat down there. If I didn’t know ya, I’d think you were all girl.”

  My face heated up in an instant, the fire burning down my neck. “Yeah,” I croaked out. “I can get hard.”

  He looked back down at my crotch. “Freaky, cos I really can’t tell.”

  “That’s because I’m not hard right now.”

  He appeared confused. “But, I thought...”

  “What?”

  “Um...” He scratched his cheek. “You like me, so...” His words petered out, his cheeks going as red as mine felt.

  “You thought I’d be hard because you’re in your undies?”

  He shrugged, looking everywhere but at my face.

  “I probably would if I hadn’t been thinking about my neighbour’s ugly boobs.” I cupped my hands over my stomach. “They sit on her fat belly, looking like she has two rows of boobs.”

  Ash burst out laughing. “That’s a good one,” he said, waving a hand at me.

  I smiled back, feeling so happy with his reaction. “You also can’t see anything because it’s gone inside of me.”

  He stopped laughing. “What’s gone inside of you?”

  “My dick.”

  His eyebrows pulled together. “How can it do that?”

  “Sometimes it does it when I’m scared or—”

  He cut me off with a frown, “You’re not scared of me, are ya?”

  Yes, because I love you. “No, I’m cold. That’s the other thing that makes it shrivel up inside of me.”

  “Oh, yeah, that’s understandable. I shrivel a bit when I’m cold.”

  I dropped my gaze to his boxers, which didn’t back up what he was saying, because he looked big, the outline more than noticeable. Or maybe he wasn’t as cold as I was, or at all. Either way, my dick decided to wake up at the sight, peeking out from its hiding place. I quickly spun around, hoping he didn’t notice.

  “Sorry,” I said, facing away from him. “Didn’t mean to look.”

  “No worries, I looked at yours, so we’re even. Now, let’s go for a swim.”

  I looked over my shoulder as he started running for the water, the sun making his olive skin glisten. He dived underneath the cool, blue surface, bursting out of the sea a moment later, his wavy black hair now plastered to the side of his face.

  He pushed it back and waved at me, shouting, “Come on in!”

  Like an uncoordinated puppy, clumsy and eager to be near him, I ran into the water, shouting out in surprise at how cold it was. He laughed, then grabbed me, dunking me when I tried to get away

  I burst out of the water, squealing, “It’s cold, it’s cold!”

  Ash grinned like the Joker, then dived back underneath. I wrapped my arms around my strapped-down chest, shivering as I watched him swim quite far out, his arms moving incredibly fast. I already knew he was a good swimmer. He usually won all the races at school, but watching him out in the sea was even more impressive.

  He swam back to me and stood up, making my eyes almost pop out of my head. His boxers were clinging to his body, not only that, they’d turned transparent, showing me everything! I repeated ‘Betty’s boobs’ in my head, but it didn’t work, my dick inflating like a life raft.

  He grinned at me. “Your face looks so splotchy when you’re embarrassed, like raspberry and vanilla marshmallows squished together.”

  I didn’t disagree, knowing he was right.

  “You’re fun,” he said, probably not realising just how much he was showing below. He turned and dived back under the water, swimming out again. I watched him in fascination as he went even further this time, so far my heart started to pound, worrying he wouldn’t come back. But he did come back, splashing water at me as he emerged, making me squeal.

  He grinned mischievously, splashing me again.

  “Stop that!” I splashed him back.

  He laughed, continuing to splash me, but going wild, powering water at me, way more than I could return. I ducked under the water to avoid another tsunami in my face, jolting as he grabbed me around the waist. He lifted me up and chucked me into the water. I shot back out, spluttering.

  He laughed louder. “You look so funny!”

  I ran at him in response, pushing him backwards, wanting to dunk him. His arms whipped out, grabbing onto me as he fell. I landed on top of him, the both of us going under. We burst out of the water together, Ash spluttering out a laugh. Then he went for me, wrapping his arms around my body, taking me down again, this time falling on top of me. Swallowing some seawater, I started to panic. I splashed about, trying to get to the surface, Ash weighing me down. He lifted me up, allowing me to breathe again, air seeping back into my grateful lungs. He let go and placed both of his hands on my chest, looking like he was going to push me back into the water, but instead froze. His eyes went wide, the realisation he was touching my boobs clearly dawning on him. The strapping around my chest was no longer keeping it flat, Ash touching more than he’d anticipated. The
seawater had softened the material, causing my boobs to stick out, while the strapping had slipped a little, displaying my small cleavage. But instead of whipping his hands away, Ash stared down at them, seemingly entranced. I didn’t move either, just stared back, thinking if I died right now I would die happy, his touch the best thing I’d ever experienced.

  The loud shriek of a seagull made him jump. He whipped his hands back as though he’d touched a hot skillet. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, unable to look me in the eye, his shyness and embarrassment adorable. “I didn’t meana touch ’em. I wuz just gonna push you under the water. I forgot you’re part girl.”

  His eyes lowered to my boobs again as if they were magnets. That was when I noticed it... He was hard! The wet material of his boxers had filled out, not hiding a thing! My mouth dropped to the seabed, sucking up surf and sand, totally and utterly stunned that I’d made him hard.

  He swore. I didn’t see what his expression was, since I couldn’t take my eyes off his hard dick, but he was out of the water so fast he probably gave it whiplash. With his hands over his crotch, he ran for his clothes. My mouth ran dry as I watched, his boxers sticking to his body, the transparency... Unable to look away, I quickly followed him out, so enraptured by his bum that I didn’t hear what he’d said at first. I looked up, blanching at his attention. He was looking over his shoulder, saying something. I stopped in my tracks, praying he hadn’t noticed me staring at his bum, although I didn’t understand why I was so concerned, considering I’d blatantly stared at his dick.

  “What?” I asked.

  He turned around to face me, holding his clothes over his groin. “I said, we can change behind the bushes.” He indicated with a jerk of his head to the row of bushes near the microcarpa tree. “You go first.”

  I nodded and grabbed my clothes, taking them to the bushes to get changed. He followed, slipping in next to me, standing so close that I wondered whether he was going to kiss me, because I could practically feel his breath on my skin. That thought, or more accurately, fantasy got shattered when he turned his back on me. He removed his wet boxers, his bare bum quickly wiping away my disappointment at not being kissed. Realising I was staring again, I quickly turned around, not wanting to be caught perving for the millionth time. But then again, he’d stared at my boobs, so I had nothing to feel guilty over. Regardless, I started changing, anything to distract myself from the beautiful boy behind me. I dropped my briefs and pulled on my school pants. My hands went to the strapping next, needing to remove it so I didn’t wet my clothes. With my back still to him, I unwound the wet layers and pulled on my shirt. Once my buttons were done up, I turned back to face Ash, finding him completely dressed and with cheeks so rosy I could have fried an egg off them. It made me wonder whether he’d looked at my bum like I’d looked at his. But it wasn’t my bum that his gaze went to, Ash once more staring at my boobs. Although they weren’t big, they were definitely noticeable, not to mention my nipples were poking out from having been in the cold water. Ash continued to stare, making me feel self-conscious. I started to question whether he thought they were too small, especially since he was used to Tiana’s big ones, then remembered he’d gotten hard over them, which gave me courage. I thrust my chest out, all but inviting him to touch it again.