Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  “How are you helping me?” Ash indicated to everyone. “By blindsiding me, humiliating me in front of whanau?” he said, saying the Maori word for family. He pointed at Joel and Marko. “And who the fuck invited them?”

  “They’re your friends. They’re concerned ’bout you like everyone else.”

  “They’re not my friends!” Ash yelled. “I only have one friend, and right now I wanna see him.”

  “Who?”

  “Llewellyn Davies.”

  Confusion pulled at Hunter’s brow. “Who the hell is he?”

  “The only person who doesn’t look at me with sympathy, the only person who doesn’t make me feel disgusting, and the only person who can make me laugh.”

  Both Joel and Marko gaped at Ash, which I was pretty much doing too, because I couldn’t understand why he was saying this. Yesterday was the first time I’d seen him hang with Llewellyn, let alone talk to the twat.

  Hunter held up his hands. “Then we’ll call this Llewellyn person for you.”

  “No, I’ll go to him.” Ash went to walk around his father, who mirrored his moves. “Get outta my way!”

  “No, son.”

  “You don’t have a right to call me son after you hurt me!”

  “That wuz a long time ago. I’m different now, you know that, and you know I wouldn’t hurt you ever again.”

  “I know nuthin’ ’bout you,” Ash spat, “and I don’t wanna, so get outta my way!”

  His dad looked at Hunter, probably for guidance. Ash’s guardian walked over to stand next to Mr. Rata... Actually, they were both Mr. Rata, but only one seemed to hold sway with Ash.

  “I’ll allow you to leave on one condition, Ash,” Hunter said, “which is for you to return ’ere with your new friend. I’ll make sure everyone else is gone if you do that. We can talk between us, work out a solution cos, Ash, we can’t keep goin’ on like this. You’re not only scaring the hell outta me, outta everyone ’ere, you’re risking Tiana’s health. You know she’s sick. Please stop torturing her. You’re not the one who hears her crying at night in her room. She does that after you’ve gone to bed.”

  That seemed to knock Ash back, his face going slack. “She cries?”

  Hunter nodded. “You’re affecting her badly, which can also affect the baby.” Sadness fell over his face. “I lost the love of my life when she gave birth to the twins. She wuz the same age as Tiana. Please don’t put Tiana under even more stress than she already is. It scares me that the same could happen to her, that the extra stress could endanger her life. If you don’t care ’bout how your actions affect the rest of us, at least care ’bout how they affect her.”

  Ash bit his lip, guilt clouding his eyes. “Okay.”

  Hunter gave him a sad smile. “Good lad,” he said, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “You bring this friend back and I promise we’ll sort sumpthin’ out.”

  Ash nodded.

  Hunter stepped out of his way, pulling Ash’s dad along with him. Ash instantly rushed for the door.

  I followed him outside, yelling, “Why Llewellyn?”

  He stopped in his tracks and turned to me. “Why are you ’ere, Jenna?” he said, ignoring my question. “You’re not family and you definitely ain’t a friend.”

  I breathed out, that comment hurting. “I wanted to support you. If you need someone to talk to you can talk to me.”

  “The only person I wanna talk to is Llewellyn.”

  “Why him?”

  “Cos he’s doesn’t make me feel like a reject.”

  “You’re not a reject, why would you even think that?”

  “Cos I am.”

  “No, you’re not. You can never be a reject, Ash, you’re wonderful. Everyone loves you, I love you.”

  Frustration clouded his expression. “Please, Jenna, stop this. I will never get back with you no matter how much you follow me around.”

  “But Ash—”

  “I don’t love you back, Jenna. Accept it, move on, like I moved on months ago. This is it between us. The end.”

  He took off, leaving me standing in the same spot, everything inside of me breaking into a thousand pieces, my heart gone, my soul nothing. I felt dead inside, all the tears I’d cried over him having finally dried up. Although I still wanted him more than anything in the world, in that moment I knew he was right: this was the end between us, there was no coming back from this.

  Needing to get away, I went for the gate. Someone called out my name, causing me to stop by the mail box. I turned to see who it was. Joel and Marko were heading for me, Joel clearly the one who’d spoken. He looked close to tears, and I couldn’t blame him, what Ash had said inside cold. Even though I couldn’t stand Joel, he always had Ash’s back, and for Ash to dis him for Llewellyn... Ash hadn’t just broken my heart, he’d broken Joel’s too.

  He stopped in front of me. “What are you doin’ ’ere?”

  “Tiana’s brother came and got me,” I said, wishing he hadn’t, because there was no erasing what Ash had said to me. “Why isn’t Ant here?”

  “We didn’t tell him ’bout it,” Marko answered instead of Joel.

  I scowled at him. “You could’ve put your differences aside for one second, he’s Ash’s friend too!”

  Marko sniffed derisively. “They’re not friends, they hate each other, and if you were really Ant’s mate you’d know that.”

  “I’ve only been hanging with him a short time, and we play spacies more than talk.”

  Marko frowned. “You’ve been to his house?”

  “Yeah, he lemme stay when I ran away from home.”

  “You’re his woman now?” Joel cut in, looking shocked.

  “Hell, no!” I replied. “Just a friend, and he so wouldn’t be interested in me.”

  Marko sneered at my comment. “Cos you ain’t a certain redhead.”

  I frowned, wondering whether he was talking about Kelley or Llewellyn, both of them redheads. “What happened between you and Ant today?” I asked, hoping it wasn’t to do with Llewellyn.

  “None of your biz,” he replied.

  “It is when you upset Ant.”

  “You ain’t his girlfriend, so you can’t say crap,” he said, again being uncharacteristically rude.

  “He’s still a friend, so I have every right.”

  “Not in this case. He overstepped the mark and I reeled him in.”

  “What did he do?” Joel asked.

  “None of your biz,” Marko repeated, then headed for the gate. Joel ran after him. I followed them, wanting a lift back to school because there was no way Levi would leave his sister’s side while she was upset.

  “Hold up,” I said. “You’re giving me a ride back.”

  “Whatever,” Marko grunted. He jumped behind the wheel of his blue Toyota. I got into the back, while Joel slid in next to Marko.

  “So, what did you and Ant fight over?” I asked again.

  “How many times do I hafta tell you it’s none of your bloody biz before you fuckin’ listen?”

  “Too many, so is it to do with Ash?”

  “No, shut up or get outta my car.”

  I clicked my seat belt on, staying put. “Is it to do with Ginger, you know, Llewellyn?”

  His shoulders tensed, which basically told me it was.

  “Did Ant pick on Ginger again?”

  “Yes,” he replied. “The bastard cornered the poor kid in one of the restrooms. I told him to back off or he can find new friends.”

  “Dude!” Joel piped up. “Why the fuck would’ja say that?”

  “He wuz hurting Llewellyn.”

  “So the fuck what? That gaybo ain’t our friend, Ant is. And you should back your mates, not li’l fags.”

  Marko poked a finger at Joel, his handsome face creasing with anger. “I don’t fuckin’ care if he’s my best mate, he has no right to terrorise that kid. Llewellyn wuz so scared he pissed his pants.”

  Joel sniggered.

  Marko shoved his shoulder. “It ain’t f
uckin’ funny!”

  “Hey!” Joel yelled. “What the fuck, Marko?”

  “Don’t push me!”

  “You pushed me!”

  “You know what I mean,” Marko growled, looking the angriest I’d ever seen him, which was not something I saw often, the guy usually mellow. I wondered why he was getting so worked up...

  Oh shit! No!

  I placed a hand on each of their seats and leaned my head between the gap, hoping like hell my suspicions were wrong, that Ant hadn’t done something sexual, those nude photos he had of Llewellyn worrying. “Was Ant alone with Ginger?” I asked, completely focused on Marko.

  “Yeah,” he mumbled, his upset gaze flicking to me, that one look telling me that Ant had definitely gone too far.

  “Is Ginger all right?” I asked, praying it wasn’t more than a kiss.

  Marko grimaced. “Not sure, other than I know that Ant would’ve hurt him real bad if I hadn’t shown up.”

  “I don’t think so, he likes the kid.”

  Joel snorted, “Are you tripping? Ant hates Llewellyn with a burning passion.”

  Marko ignored him, his attention solely on me. “You know?”

  I nodded, the two of us clearly on the same wavelength.

  “Know what?” Joel asked, looking between us.

  Marko indicated to the door. “Get out.”

  Joel blinked at him. “What?”

  “I said get out.”

  “But why?” Joel asked, his voice turning whiny.

  “Cos I have some things to discuss with Jenna.”

  “Why can’t you do that with me ’ere?”

  “I just can’t, so get out, and don’t make me ask again, cos my patience is nil today.”

  Joel got out, but with a shitload of complaints. I climbed through to his seat, settling next to Marko, who quickly drove off, leaving behind his dejected-looking mate standing by the kerbside.

  “How’d you find out ’bout Ant and Llewellyn?” Marko asked, heading onto Banks Road.

  “I stumbled across some photos Ant had of him, a couple of them nude.”

  Marko’s eyes went wide. “You’re fuckin’ with me?”

  “Ah...” I grimaced. “I thought you knew Ant had the hots for Ginger?”

  “Yeah, just not ’bout the photos. Llewellyn hates Ant. How the fuck did Ant get ’em?”

  “It looked like he took them on the sly. There was even one where Ginger was showering in the boys’ changing rooms, and I know what they look like. I went into them on a dare, got detention for a week. Still won the dare. Worth it.”

  Marko swore. “The fuckin’ pervert!” He hit the steering wheel. “How the fuck didn’t I know what he wuz doin’ to Llewellyn?”

  “You saw him bullying that twat plenty.”

  “I’m not talkin’ ’bout bullying, I’m talkin’ ’bout Ant tryna force himself onto Llewellyn. That’s what I saw when I went to the restroom.”

  My mouth dropped open. “You’re fucking with me?”

  “Wish I wuz. That rapey bastard wuz rubbing himself against Llewellyn’s arse and kissing him roughly, begging Llewellyn to let him fuck him. As soon as the kid saw me, he yelled for help.”

  “But Ant wouldn’t have forced him, he loves Ginger.”

  Marko sneered. “You call that love? Llewellyn pissed himself he wuz so scared. I really don’t wanna think ’bout what Ant would’ve done if I didn’t walk in on him.”

  “But you said Ant was asking permission.”

  Marko gripped the steering wheel tighter. “While Llewellyn wuz crying and begging him to stop. It’s why I told Ant that we can’t be friends anymore if he goes near the kid again.”

  “But you can’t mean that.”

  Marko threw a disbelieving look at me. “There’s no way in hell I’ll stand by someone who does that kinda shit, whether they’re my best friend or not. And for you to even ask that makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with you.”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it, just that you guys are tight.”

  “How tight can we be if I didn’t even know Ant wuz gay? He pretended to be into girls, would hit on ’em all the time in front of me. And what he’d said ’bout Kelley, guess that wuz all bullshit too.”

  “No, as far as I know, he did get with Kelley.”

  “Pro’bly cos she’s a redhead—like Llewellyn,” he said, stopping for a traffic light. “Knowing Ant, he would’ve used her cos Llewellyn didn’t want him. Christ! He’s been treating Llewellyn like shit all year, made everyone think the kid wanked off next to him, when I bet it wuz the other way round. I don’t even know whether I wanna be his mate anymore after what I saw.”

  “But you hafta, he’d be devastated if you weren’t.”

  Marko placed his head on the steering wheel. “I think I should report what he did to the principal.”

  “No!” I yelled. “You can’t do that to him, he’ll get expelled.”

  Ignoring the beeping car behind us, the light having gone green, Marko turned his head towards me. “Punching a guy is one thing, but what Ant did, the sexual stuff... that’s a whole different league. That stuff gets you sent away.”

  “Just don’t go to the principal, lemme speak to both Ant and Ginger before you do anything.”

  The person in the car behind us hollered at Marko to move. Both me and Marko glanced back. The old fella had his head out the sedan’s window, looking like he was going to have a heart attack, his face a lobster-red. He started ranting at us, adding another blast of the horn.

  Marko pulled away from the lights. “But what if Ant does it again?” he asked, turning onto Wera High’s road.

  “You said he chose to be your friend, that he wouldn’t touch Ginger again.”

  “I didn’t say that, though he did promise to stay away from Llewellyn. I just don’t trust him to keep his word.”

  “You should still give him one more chance. I’ll also speak to him, he might listen to me.”

  “Why? He never liked you before this term.”

  “We connected over the break, which is why I don’t think he would’ve taken things that far with Ginger. Ant cares too much about him, even told me he loved him.”

  “Christ! This is so fucked up. Ant’s attacking people. Ash is taking off and doin’ drugs. Our group is falling apart.”

  “Not if we glue it back together again.” I frowned, knowing that Llewellyn was at the centre of everything, affecting both Ant and Ash in negative ways. “And I know just how to do it.”

  “How?”

  “Through Ginger. Both Ash and Ant seem to like him, so if I have a talk with him, see why, then I might solve our problem.”

  “How do ya figure that?”

  I smiled. “I have my ways.” And if I succeeded, Llewellyn was on his way out.

  18

  ASH

  I knocked on Llewellyn’s door, livid with my family. I’d tried to do the right thing most of my life, rarely acted up, then they did this to me? Dante had done loads of shit in the past, constantly had the police at our house, child services too, yet my whanau never had an intervention for him.

  Footsteps approached from inside Llewellyn’s house. The door pulled open, revealing a small woman who looked like a replica of Llewellyn to the point it was almost spooky, her orange hair, porcelain face, and even the smattering of freckles matching Llewellyn’s, only the bags under her eyes showing her age.

  “Yes?” she asked.

  “Is Llewellyn home?” I answered, realising a second later he was probably at school, my brain not working. The intervention had also worked me up so much that I’d lost track of everything, let alone time.

  “No, are you a friend?”

  I nodded.

  Her expression instantly perked up, although worry still creased her brow. “He came home during school time, but ran off when he saw me. Do you know where he could be?” She had a strong accent, a pretty one, which must’ve been Welsh.

  “No, sorry,” I replied.
/>
  She wiped under her eyes, her cheeks a touch shiny, probably from tears. “If you see him, please tell him to come straight home. I’m very worried. He looked so upset. Is he being bullied?”

  “Yes,” I said, no longer willing to lie for Ant.

  Her hand shot to her mouth. “Llewellyn told me he wasn’t,” she gasped, now looking even more upset, her hazel-green eyes glossing over with tears.

  “He lied,” I said, getting a bad feeling that Ant had done something again, especially with Llewellyn taking off.

  “Who’s doing this to him?”

  “You should ask Llewellyn that. I’ll go look for him, bring him back.”

  “Yes, yes, please do that.” She grabbed my hand, shaking it vigorously. “Thank you so much, ah...” She let go. “What’s your name?”

  “Ash.”

  “Thank you, Ash. Please bring my son home safe.”

  I nodded, not sure if I even had a chance of finding him. I didn’t have a clue where he liked to go. I’d only been with him to the beach, and I didn’t think he’d go there since it was my suggestion not his. Still, it was the only place I could think of, plus I’d enjoyed going there with him, had such a fun time, minus the embarrassing bits.

  I started jogging down the road, heading back to Claydon, my eyes occasionally being drawn to the cars driving past. A red one passed, then a white one. I started counting the different colours to keep from thinking about the intervention. My mum used to get me and my siblings to choose a colour each. Once we got to our destination, the person who’d counted the most cars in our colour would win a lollypop. Sledge would never win, because he always got distracted, while Juliet would choose pink so didn’t have a chance, which left me and Dante. He always chose red—as well as cheated, saying he counted way more than there was, because I would also count his colour as well as my own. Dante could lie through his teeth without blinking an eye, while I was lousy at it, always trying to play fair. Did that mean the people who played fair got shat on? Because right now it felt like it. Maybe if I could lie like Dante I wouldn’t have had an intervention. Or maybe it was because I was usually good that concerned them, what I’d done last night unusual for me. But what did they expect?! They hadn’t been raped—hadn’t been the cause of their mother’s death—so they could all go to fucking hell for all I cared. Or maybe I should go to Hell. No, I was already in it, especially since everything I did burned me so fucking bad.