“I’ve gotta go,” she said without warning.
She spun around and ran for the elevator. I watched her for a few seconds as she waited for the lift, looking wired over what I’d said about Llewellyn, making me wonder why. Then she disappeared inside the lift, gone as quickly as she’d appeared.
I turned for Kelley’s room, finding it halfway down the corridor. I entered through the double doors, spotting Kelley in the bed by the window, her auburn hair more toned-down than Llewellyn’s brighter locks. She was propped up, writing in a book, her expression almost mad. She looked over at me as I neared her, her eyes widening in response.
“Ash!” she said, closing the book with a loud clap. “What are you doing here?”
I pulled her curtain across, giving us some privacy from the lady in the neighbouring bed. “I came in with Llewellyn Davies,” I answered, putting the Coke down on the bedside cabinet, no longer thirsty. “He tried to commit suicide.”
Sadness infused Kelley’s face, but she didn’t appear surprised. “Do you know why Llewellyn did it?”
I shook my head.
“How’d he do it?”
“Slashed his wrist with some broken glass. I found him at Claydon Beach, underneath a tree.”
She looked down at her book, then back up at me. “Maybe you should’ve left him there.”
I jerked my head back, shocked she would say something like that. “He would’ve died.”
“Maybe he thought dying was a better option than living. I can understand that.”
I glanced down at her legs, which were covered with blankets, wondering whether she’d considered committing suicide too. She’d been the best female runner at our school, even good enough for the national team. I loved rugby, surfing, and swimming like she loved running, and if they’d been taken from me, I wouldn’t know if I could handle it either.
“I understand it too,” I finally said, of late having contemplated suicide more times than I could remember.
“Over what your stepdad did?” she asked. She didn’t know the full story, just the version most people were told.
I nodded.
“He’s going to prison, isn’t he?”
I nodded again, not getting her point... Then the weight of her words hit me, and not in the way she’d intended.
“You’re talking to me,” I said, remembering what Jenna had told me.
She frowned. “Yeah, so?”
“Jenna said you won’t talk to anyone, other than Llewellyn.”
“You’re different, like me and Llewellyn.”
“How?”
“You both understand what I’m going through.”
“I’m not hurt.”
“Yes, you are, people just can’t see your pain.”
I dropped my gaze, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “I think Llewellyn did. He treated me differently from everyone else, even thought I could protect him.”
“From Ant?”
I looked back up at her. “Yeah.”
“So, Ant’s still bullying him?”
I nodded. “He insulted Llewellyn yesterday and yelled at me for bein’ with him.”
“Why are you hanging out with Llewellyn?”
“It wuz only yesterday. I found him crying in the loos, thought he could walk into class with me so I didn’t hafta sit with my mates.”
“Why didn’t you wanna sit with them?”
“I’m not gettin’ along with Joel at the moment, Ant either.” I grimaced. “Ant’s a complete arsehole. He’s also nuts, just went off his head at me for sitting with Llewellyn. He acted like I’d committed a crime, even threatened me cos of it. I really don’t understand why.”
“I do.”
“Then, tell me.”
She pulled a face. “I promised Ant I wouldn’t say anything.”
“I don’t care what you promised, you’re tellin’ me,” I spat, now frustrated with her, “cos I’m sick of that freak gettin’ on my case ’bout Llewellyn. Yeah, I know he’s a fag hater, but—”
“He doesn’t hate gays.”
“Then, why the fuck does he hurt Llewellyn so much?”
“He’s angry he can’t get what he wants.”
“What do ya mean?”
She sighed. “He can’t get Llewellyn.”
“Eh?”
She shook her head at me. “Come on, Ash, you’re not thick like Joel.”
Anger shot through me. “Just tell me!”
She glared at me. “I’m trying to do that without breaking my promise to Ant, but looks like you need things spelt out. Ant wants Llewellyn. He’s in love with the kid. Get it now?”
I stared at her for a moment, then burst out laughing, because she was definitely having me on.
“I’m serious, Ash. That’s why Ant bullies him. Llewellyn turned him down.”
I shook my head, thinking she must be high on meds. “Don’t be stupid, Ant ain’t gay, he went with you.”
“Only cos he likes my hair,” she said, touching it, the ends brushing her shoulders, “and he never had real sex with me, only anal. He also admitted to me that Llewellyn hadn’t been wanking off next to him, that he’d made it up when you guys walked in on him trying to get with Llewellyn.”
I continued to shake my head, what she was saying not right, because Ant was anything but gay. He fucked chicks all over the place, Kelley just one of many.
She kept on going, “I was in the toilets with Ant first. There was someone in the stall next to us, which Ant told me was Llewellyn. After Ant fucked me, I left while he stayed to make sure that Llewellyn didn’t dob us in for having sex.”
“But Llewellyn’s pants were down, Ant’s weren’t.”
“Think with your head, Ash,” she said, tapping her own. “The giver only needs his dick hanging out, while the receiver usually has his pants around his ankles, pants that were yanked down by Ant.”
Another image of Ant pulling down Llewellyn’s pants came back, the one in the changing rooms. He was always going at the kid, way more than what was warranted. It was almost like a vendetta, a payback for...
Fuck!
Kelley gave me a knowing look. “You believe me now, don’t cha?”
I nodded my head slowly, feeling like I was being mind-fucked, everything going through my head at once, trying to piece together other signs that pointed to Ant being gay, but I couldn’t come up with anything...
...except...
I frowned, that one time after our rugby match against Tangaroa coming to mind. I’d been the last player to grab a shower because I’d been too busy talking to an old school mate on the other team. Most of my own team had left, only Marko and Ant hanging around, waiting for me. I’d been washing myself and had turned to find Ant leaning against the lockers, staring at me. He’d spun around fast, facing away from me. I’d just assumed he’d been giving me the evils, still pissed off that I’d passed the final ball to Marko instead of him. Right after the match, he’d spat at me that I’d risked the game since he’d been in a ‘better’ position to take the pass. What a load of crock, he’d just wanted the glory that came with scoring the winning try, which was why I hadn’t thought it was weird that he’d been looking at me. But after what Kelley had said...
Had the fucker been eyeing up my arse?
Kelley continued, “Which means you need to make Ant pay for what he did to Llewelyn. Jenna also needs to pay for what she did to me. She keeps trying to visit me, to say sorry, but I can’t forgive her. She bullied me for so long and I never said anything, and now I’m like this.” She indicated to her legs angrily. “Those two have to be punished.”
“So, you really think Llewellyn tried to top himself due to Ant?” I asked, still reeling over her words.
“Yes. It makes sense.”
“How does it make sense? I wouldn’t slit my wrist just cos someone threw volleyballs at my face or pulled my pants down. Yeah, it sucks, but people go through a helluva lot worse and don’t try to top themselves.”
“Kelley,” I said, getting a sickening feeling. “What did Ant do?”
She kept her hands over her face. “He raped Llewellyn.”
I shook my head, although my gut was telling me it was true, Llewellyn’s actions now making sense. “You said he only tried.”
“He did it another time.” She uncovered her face, her bottom lip quivering as she spoke. “Ant broke down in tears in front of me, confessed that he badgered Llewellyn into going home with him. He described everything to me, Ash.” She sucked in a breath, the images probably running through her head. “His mum came home early, saw Llewellyn leaving. She beat the crap out of Ant for what he did, then walked out on him. He’s been looking after himself ever since.”
All the blood drained from my face, Joel’s words coming back, ‘I saw Llewellyn comin’ outta Ant’s property a few months back, crying.’
She continued, “What Jenna did to me was karma. I’m paying for not speaking out about what Ant did to Llewellyn. I foolishly believed Ant when he said he wouldn’t hurt Llewellyn again, that he’d make it up to him. Yet he continued hurting him. He threw those balls at him, said the nastiest of things, did everything to humiliate the poor guy, and I let him get away with it ’cause I stupidly cared for the bastard. I also felt jealous that Ant preferred Llewellyn over me. I may have wanted you more than Ant, but Ant was the first boy who listened to me, who spoke to me like he thought I was the world. But Ant does that, makes you feel special, then takes from you, guilting you into silence afterwards. And not just guilting, he’s violent. When I threatened to out him after I saw him following Llewellyn home, he threw a baseball at my face the next day at P.E., pretending it was an accident.”
I gritted my teeth, knowing damn well the bastard had perfect aim. I also remembered seeing Kelley with the black eye. I’d been off school that day, up North due to my mother’s funeral, but had seen it on my return, just hadn’t realised Ant had done it.
She continued, “He also followed me home after school. He forced his way into my house, putting a blade to my throat, saying that if I ever outed him he’d kill me.” She screwed up her face. “He then hacked my hair short.”
I blinked at her, remembering asking what had happened to her hair. “You said you cut it cos it wuz too long.”
“I lied, too scared to say boo back then. I believed he would’ve followed through on the threat, still do, I just don’t care anymore. Ant and Jenna can do whatever the fuck they like to me now and it won’t make a difference. I don’t even know why I kept their secrets, I really don’t. Even today I didn’t wanna break my promise to Ant. Maybe he’s fucked with my head worse than my body.” She started crying. “I just don’t understand why I still love him. What the hell is wrong with me?”
I didn’t reply, not knowing how to answer her, although I completely understood how Ant had mind-fucked her. My stepfather had done something similar to me, tricking me into believing he loved me like a son, while all along he was grooming me. Those times he’d walked in on me in the shower or while I was changing, or even that time he’d caught me wanking, it hadn’t been an accident, I just hadn’t known it back then. But unlike Kelley with Ant, there was no love lost between me and my stepfather. I hated him with a burning passion, and would kill him in an instant. Hunter had suggested putting a hit on him, but I didn’t want that. I wanted him to suffer in prison, then when he got out I was going to stab him exactly like he’d done to my mother—and then some.
“Will you make Ant and Jenna pay?” Kelley asked so softly I almost didn’t hear her.
I gave her a nod, wanting to make Ant pay the most. “But first I needa see Llewellyn.”
“Tell him I’m sorry.” Her bottom lip trembled. “So sorry.”
I muttered a yes and left, unable to get out of there fast enough. I headed for Llewellyn’s room, what Kelley had told me hurting so fucking bad. Everything that Llewellyn had done, how he acted, all his tears now made sense. I’d been too blinded by my own pain to see it, to see that he was suffering as much as I was.
I rounded the corner into his room. His mother and sister were still there, both of them talking to a now wide-awake Llewellyn. His gaze instantly went to me, his expression full of shame as well as guilt, his eyes red from crying. I stopped behind his mum, feeling awkward, not wanting to talk to him while his family was still here, but also needing to speak to him badly.
“Can I please speak to Ash alone?” Llewellyn asked his mum, saying what I couldn’t, because I was so close to blurting out everything, telling her why her son had tried to kill himself. But I couldn’t do that to Llewellyn, even more so knowing what it felt like. Tiana’s brother had done it to me, telling her and Joel about my rape behind my back. And just like Levi didn’t have a right to tell them, I didn’t have a right to tell Llewellyn’s mother and sister.
Llewellyn’s mum nodded at her son’s request, giving his forehead a kiss before ushering his sister out of the room, leaving me alone with Llewellyn.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking anywhere but at me.
“You have nuthin’ to be sorry for,” I replied. “Ant does.”
His gaze flicked up to me. “What?”
“Did he rape you?”
His eyes widened, clearly shocked that I knew, then he dropped his head. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, covering his face with a hand, his response confirming it.
“You need to, Louie.”
He shook his head vigorously. “Please don’t make me.”
“I have to, you tried to kill yourself cos of him.”
When he didn’t respond, I reached out, lowering his hand. But instead of pulling away from me, he gripped onto my hand tight, his tear-filled eyes latching onto mine. It was almost as though he was pleading with me to do something, anything to make him feel better, to reassure him that everything would be all right. But I couldn’t do that, because I knew nothing would be right again, Ant forever changing Llewellyn, like my stepfather had forever changed me. So, I did the only thing I could that would get through to him.
“I wuz raped too,” I said.
Llewellyn’s face went slack. “What?” he croaked out.
I took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, knowing there was no coming back from this. “I wuzn’t in the hospital for gettin’ beat up, I wuz in ’ere cos my stepfather put a roofie in my beer and raped me.”
A choked sob escaped from his lips that almost sounded like a no, the sorrow in his hazel-green eyes making it hard to look at them. Because they weren’t just windows to his soul, they were windows to mine. He knew exactly what was done to me on a personal level, and what it was still doing to me.
I cleared my throat, my emotions getting the better of me, but I forced myself to continue, “I woke up in a hospital bed feeling like I’d caught the worst flu bug in history. I wuz exhausted, completely drained, my whole body ached, my head hurt, and I felt like my skin wuz on fire. After throwing up, I tried to remember what I’d done to get ’ere, a whole lot of beers coming to mind. My cousin told me to go back to sleep, which I did, too exhausted to keep my eyes open. When I woke up again both Hunter and my grandmother were by my side. It wuz when the first memory came back, a real memory not the nightmare I’d thought I had.” I breathed in, letting it out slowly, what I was going to say next making my gut twist. “I-I couldn’t process what I wuz remembering, the images too—” a sob swallowed up the word horrible.
Llewellyn gave my hand a squeeze, giving me the support I needed to continue.
“There wuz so much pain, it hurt so bad. My stepfather didn’t give a shit ’bout me, didn’t care that I wuz screaming, he just shoved my face into the pillow to shut me up and continued fucking me.” I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head, the feeling of him inside of
me never leaving. “I kept waking up and blacking out from the pain, the drug also messing with my head. It held me down just as much as my stepfather’s hands, taking away any chance of fighting him. Then yelling broke out. Chaz wuz no longer on top of me. My mum wuz attacking him with a knife, then… then...”
I let out a choked sob as the scene played out in my head. Chaz had wrestled the knife off her, stabbing my mum in the chest with it, the look on her face killing me. She’d been so sweet, so caring, just like Llewellyn was. She’d deserved so much better in life yet had been continuously spat on, first by my father, then by my stepfather. Chaz had put the final nail in her coffin, not only taking my mum from me, but a daughter and a sister as well. My grandmother had broken down at her daughter’s funeral, my uncle holding her up as tears filled his own eyes, the pain of seeing his baby sister being buried too much for him. And the twins... the horror on their cute little faces when they finally realised who the funeral was for. They hadn’t understood until Dante lost it. He’d tried to stop the coffin from being lowered into the ground, screaming for our mother. Our grandfather had to restrain him, the tough old man just as broken as Dante. Mum had meant so much to so many people...
...especially to me.
She hadn’t just been a mother, she’d been one of my best friends.
I let go of Llewellyn’s hand and covered my face, unable to hold back the tears. I hadn’t spoken about the attack to anyone, not even to my counsellor, dancing around the subject like a world class performer. Dante’s testimony was what had put Chaz behind bars, the only testimony they needed from me coming from the rape kit.
“I should never have gone home with Ant,” Llewellyn said, his words getting through to me.
I uncovered my eyes, seeing tears streaming down his face.
He continued, “But I was scared he’d hurt me if I didn’t. I also thought he wanted to be my friend. He even invited me to watch him play Bach, leading me to believe that maybe he wasn’t so different from me. Of course it was all a lie, he just wanted sex. I said I didn’t want it, but he literally picked me up and carried me to his room. I tried to fight him, but I didn’t have a chance. He’s twice my size. I even fought him the second time.”
Crying Out Silent Page 20
