My eyes widened. “He raped you twice?” I gasped.
Llewellyn wiped a hand across his face and nodded. “And he would’ve done it a third time today if Marko hadn’t walked in on us, stopping him.”
I raised my other hand to my forehead, what he was saying surreal. Today surreal. “What did Marko say?”
“He said that if he saw Ant breathe near me again, he’d take me to the cops and make me lay charges against him.”
“So, he knows ’bout the rapes?”
Llewellyn shook his head. “He only thinks that Ant tried to do it that one time.”
I dropped my hand, shocked that Llewellyn had been living this nightmare all year. “You hafta report Ant.”
“I can’t, he’ll make me suffer.”
“You’re already suffering, Louie, you tried to kill yourself.”
“You don’t understand. He...” Llewellyn screwed up his face. “He didn’t just threaten me, he told me he’d go after my sister, forcing her like he forced me. I can’t let that happen.”
I started shaking, but not from fear, from rage. “That bastard can’t do anything to you or your sister if the cops lock him up. He needs to be put away like my stepfather.”
“I can’t do it!” Llewellyn shouted, now looking panicked. “He’ll hurt Caitlin.”
“No, he won’t, I won’t let him.”
“Even if he does get locked up, I don’t want my family finding out.”
“So, you’d rather die?”
“Yes!” he shouted, his whole body trembling. “I can’t take it anymore, I’m scared all the time! Ant follows me home, he even broke into my house when my family was at work. He hacked my hair off, telling me I was a boy not a girl.”
My eyes went to his hair, the realisation of why it wasn’t long anymore striking me in the chest.
“He then raped me in my own bed,” Llewellyn’s voice cracked. “Do you know what it’s like to have to sleep in that bed every night? Even if he went to prison, I’ll be in my own personal prison.” He reached out for my hand again. “You understand, don’t you?”
I threaded my fingers through his and nodded. I now understood what Kelley had been saying earlier. For Llewellyn life was worse than death.
He squeezed my hand. “Do you want to die with me?” he whispered.
“I’d rather you live.”
“I’d rather not, and you, you’d rather be dead too. I can see it in your eyes.”
I looked down at his bandaged wrist and nodded, unable to hide it from him.
“Do you want to die with me?” he repeated.
I didn’t respond at first, still not wanting him to die, but also knowing I couldn’t keep saving him. I couldn’t even save myself.
Did I even want to be saved?
I looked back up at him and gave him a short nod of my head. He squeezed my hand and gave me a sad smile in return. He was so pretty, so full of promise. I wondered how I could talk him out of committing suicide, then his words about Ant returned, the pain I saw on his face...
Llewellyn was just like me. A different face, yet a mirror image.
He had a reason to die like I had a reason to die. And would it be so bad to die together? To stop this grinding pain that never seemed to end. To go out with someone instead of alone, and someone who loved me, because it was obvious he did. I could see it in the way he looked at me, and although I couldn’t return his love, I knew I didn’t want to live in a world without a person like him. He was both beautiful inside and outside, the only person who could make me laugh at a time when all I felt like doing was crying.
My heart started to pound, what I was thinking... planning on doing, becoming very real. “When do you wanna do it?”
“As soon as possible,” he said, not taking his eyes off me.
“How?”
“Not like this,” he said, lifting his bandaged arm. “And no pills, they don’t work.”
“You tried to OD?”
He nodded. “It just made me sick.”
“I used to run across roads in heavy traffic, almost daring the cars to hit me. I thought it would be a good way to go out, but I wuz wrong. I would’ve caused the driver pain. I can’t do that to someone.”
He nodded. “Me neither. I don’t want anyone thinking they killed me. We need to do it so no one feels responsible.”
My thoughts went to the sea, to how I’d almost drowned three years ago, should’ve drowned if it weren’t for my uncle.
“I love the sea,” I said. “It’s my own personal heaven. If it took me, it would feel right.”
“You want to drown?”
I nodded.
“Can we do it at Claydon Beach?”
A picture of Llewellyn sinking in the water popped into my head, of his hair fanning out, his clothes billowing around his small body, and his face... The last thing I would see would be beauty, not the ugliness of my life.
I leaned closer to him. “Can I make Ant pay first? I’ll make sure I do it in a way that doesn’t come back on your sister.”
He swallowed, but still gave me a nod. “Just be careful.”
“I will, and don’t worry, he’ll be the one suffering. Everyone will find out what he is,” I said, wanting to shout it to the world like I couldn’t do to my rapist.
“How?”
“I’ll tell you after it’s done.”
Llewellyn bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth, distracting me. My gaze lingered on his mouth for a moment, then I looked back up. His eyes had gone huge while his porcelain skin had gone blotchy, patches of red colouring his cheeks.
You are so cute, I almost said, but instead muttered, “I’ll make him regret hurting you, cos no one hurts the people I love.”
Llewellyn gasped, “You love me?”
“Yeah, you’re family now. Whanau.”
His excitement instantly disappeared, the hope in his eyes vanishing. It made me feel bad, my flippant use of the word clearly hurting him. I didn’t even understand why I’d used it since it wasn’t something I’d normally say. I should’ve said care for, because I did care for him. Still, it made me wonder what he would do if I said I truly loved him. Would he want to live? Would I be enough to stop him from killing himself? But it would be a lie, one I couldn’t follow through on.
“Will you hold me when we sink?” he asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
I nodded, knowing I’d hold him so tight he wouldn’t be able to breathe, and I hoped he would do the same for me because it would be a beautiful way to die.
A sad smile pulled at his lips. “I’ll hold you tighter,” he said, almost as though he could read my thoughts.
“I’ll hold you to that.”
He chuckled at my pun.
19
JENNA
I jumped onto the bus, wishing I could do a Star Trek and beam myself to Ant’s front door. I needed to tell him about Ginger’s suicide attempt, making sure he covered his bases just in case there was blowback on him. Regardless of what he did to Ginger, Ant was my mate and I had to protect him, and for all I knew the redheaded twat could’ve pretended to commit suicide, using it to get back at Ant. Or maybe he’d done it to get sympathy from Ash, wielding lies and manipulation to win him. Because if he truly wanted to kill himself, he’d be dead already.
I sat down at the back of the bus, wishing I could tell the driver to hurry the fuck up. I barely paid attention to what was around me, too focused on getting to Ant. Houses, trees, shops and whatever the hell passed me by, none of it of interest, my mind racing way ahead of the bus. It felt like forever before it finally arrived at the stop a few houses down from Ant’s place. I jumped out and headed onto his property, walking past a couple of cars parked in the driveway, one a flash sedan, the other a tin can on wheels that was held together by rust and a silent prayer.
I banged on Ant’s front door. It swung open as I went to knock again, the suddenness causing me to shriek. A man with bulging arms grinned down at me. He
had a buzz cut and a tattoo of a naked lady on his left bicep. His eyes lowered down my body like a snake slithering over exposed flesh, the guy having some seriously bad juju. It didn’t help that he was one step away from being a reptile, his sunburnt skin looking tough enough to be made into snakeskin boots.
“You’re a right cutie,” he said, his voice gravelly, a smoker for sure. “How old are ya, sweetness?”
“Sixteen next month,” I replied, the creep making me feel like a mouse being dangled in front of a python. “Is Ant home?”
“Yeah.” He glanced at his watch. “He’ll be out in a few minutes.” He looked back up. “You want some work while he’s finishing up?”
“What work?”
He pulled out his wallet from his back pocket and removed two fifty-dollar bills, holding them out to me. “A hundred bucks if you bend over for my dick, just keep the uniform on.”
My eyes widened. “I’m not a ho!” I snapped, wanting to kick him in the balls. No! I wanted to do a Jackson Pollock on them—stomping on his gonads until they splattered the ground.
He shrugged. “Everyone has a price, guess yours is more than a hundy. What will it take?” He pulled out more money. “Two hundred?”
“Nothing, you perv! Get me Ant. Now!”
His eyebrows winged up. “You’ve got pretty big balls, girly. You’re just lucky you’re cute or you’d be wearing my fist.”
I took a step back and lifted my own fists. “I’ll smack ya back!” I bluffed, a second away from legging it, the guy way too big for me to take on.
He chuckled. “You’re so fuckin’ adorable I could squeeze ya until your tiny tits pop.” He slid the money back into his wallet and turned. “Come on in, Ant will be finished soon.” He disappeared into the kitchen, leaving the door wide open for me to enter. I wasn’t sure whether I should follow him in with the way he’d propositioned me...
...but I needed to see Ant.
Though, the guy could be lying about Ant being home, tricking me so I’d come inside. Ant did say his mum constantly brought home loser boyfriends.
Not willing to risk it I went to call out Ant’s name, but before I could he appeared through the passageway door. He was wearing his school uniform, just a male version of Virginal Vicky, because hot damn he looked smoking like that, totally porn worthy. His shirt was unbuttoned, revealing a washboard stomach, while his pants were hanging so low that if it weren’t for his budgie smugglers I’d be getting an anatomy lesson. The only thing that wasn’t part of the uniform was the loose tie around his neck.
A gaunt-looking guy followed him out, reminding me of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, just a couple of decades younger and with a full head of hair. Neither Ant nor the Mr. Burns wannabee saw me, too caught up with whatever they were talking about. Then Burnsy grabbed Ant’s tie, yanking his head down to... My eyes bulged out as he kissed Ant full on the lips, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he grabbed Ant’s crotch. I felt like yelling at the dirty old perv to get his hands off Ant, but my mouth just hung open, sweeping the front doorstep.
The perv finally broke the kiss and let go of Ant... well, not fully, because next thing he was removing Ant’s shirt, murmuring something about a keepsake. Sniffing the shirt, he pulled out a wad of cash from his suit jacket and handed it over to Ant. Barely holding back a grimace, Ant thanked the man, then turned to the door, jerking back as his eyes landed on me. His face dropped, fear distorting his features. He turned to El Pervo and whispered something into his ear. The man nodded, calling out the name “Big Mack!”
Snake Man appeared in the kitchen doorway with a mouthful of sandwich. He swallowed it down and gave me a whopping grin as he headed for the door, without a doubt aware I’d gotten more than an eyeful. I stepped aside to let him pass, jolting as he ran his hand over my breasts, too quick for me to strike out at him. He jumped down the front stairs and backed up towards the cars, giving me a wink. I flicked him the finger, getting a laugh in return.
The Mr. Burns wannabe left next, ignoring me as he passed by. Up close, he looked in his late fifties or early sixties, waaay too old to be kissing a sixteen-year-old. I watched the two creeps get into the expensive car, then shrieked as Ant grabbed my arm, yanking me inside.
He slammed the door shut, yelling, “What the fuck are you doin’ ’ere?!”
I yanked my arm free. “I needed to tell you something,” I snapped back, annoyed he’d yelled at me.
“You coulda rung first!”
“I don’t have a mobile, so stop yelling at me.”
He clenched his hands, looking like he was trying to keep his cool yet failing miserably.
“Who were those men?” I asked.
“None of your biz!” He spun around and disappeared into the passageway.
I ran after him, following him into his bedroom. He slumped down on his messed-up bed and put his head in his hands, hiding his face from me.
“What’s happening, Ant?” I asked.
He dropped his hands and looked up at me, looking close to tears. “You can’t tell anyone ’bout what you saw. I didn’t wanna do shit with that man, but I wuzn’t given a choice. I had to pay the rent or I would’ve been kicked out on my arse. My mum also left me with a shitload of debt.”
“Why isn’t she paying it?”
“She’s taken off again. The first time she left for months, then when I thought she wuz back for good she just up and left with some guy she barely knew, said that she didn’t hafta pay for me anymore since I wuz sixteen.”
“What a bitch!”
He winced, but didn’t defend her.
“So, you have to pay for everything yourself?” I asked.
He nodded. “Which is why I had to fuck that guy.”
I held up my hand and took a step back. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did’ja just say you fucked him for money?” I asked, only just realising he’d said it earlier too, just in a different way, the word fuck finally switching on my brain. It also made sense with what went down in the lounge, because the only way that old fart would get any honey from Ant was if he paid for it.
Ant dropped his gaze. “My mum’s employer sends clients my way. I don’t get to pick and choose who I fuck.” He looked back up at me, his hazel eyes pleading with me to understand. “And it isn’t just men, I hafta do women too.”
I shook my head, because I’d rather be homeless than whore myself out.
He shot to his feet. “Don’t look at me like that!” he yelled, his face going red. “You don’t know what it’s like to be left all alone, having no money for food or rent and with debtors banging at my door, threatening to break my fingers or worse.” He held his hands up. “You don’t know what that would do to me, I need to play the cello.”
“Tell them it’s not your debt.”
“You don’t think I haven’t already?” He shook his head. “They don’t give a shit who pays it as long as they get their money. My mum didn’t get loans from the bank, she got ’em from loan sharks. They don’t play nice like banks. I had to do sumpthin’.”
“You could’ve asked for help.”
“From who? You? Don’t make me laugh, Jenna, you tried to get money offa me.”
“Marko would’ve help you.”
He flinched at his best friend’s name. “Marko can go fuck himself for all I care, and I’m not after pocket money, you stupid bitch. I had to pay eight-hundred bucks this week. At least that old dude pays well.” He held out the cash, waving it in my face. “There’s a grand here. What other job gives ya this much dough for less than an hour’s work?”
“Gross, don’t know how you could even get hard for that bag of bones.”
“I didn’t needa be hard, he’s a top.”
“What’s a top?”
“The one who fucks.”
My face dropped. “I don’t wanna know that!”
“Exactly! No one wants to know. I hafta go to school, pretend everything’s all good, then fuckin’ come home and let gross bastards do me. I prefer i
t when they send women cos at least I don’t get a cock up my arse.” He slumped back down on the bed and covered his face.
I stood still, not believing this was the toughest guy at school, broken and crying, getting fucked over in more ways than one. Then my brain switched on again, reminding me why I was here. I didn’t think Ant was up to hearing my news, but he had to know about what Ginger had done.
“I’ve just come from the hospital,” I said, not looking forward to his reaction. “Ginger supposedly tried to commit suicide.”
Ant dropped his hands and looked up at me. “What?” he said, looking like he wasn’t sure he’d heard right.
“Ginger tried to commit suicide.”
Ant started shaking his head, his face now panicked.
I sat down next to him. “Stop stressing, he’s doing it for attention.”
“But, is he all right?”
“Yeah, I said he tried not succeeded.”
Ant put his head in his hands again. “Why does this shit keep happening to me?”
Wanting to comfort him, I placed a hand on his back, then removed it, sort of weirded out that I’d touched his bare skin. I liked him, nowhere near as much as Ash, and if he wasn’t gay, I probably would’ve considered dating him. He was good-looking enough, his body more than making up for his downfalls, but it wasn’t why I was comforting him. I just didn’t like seeing him upset. Plus, he’d just had sex with a gross old man who had his clammy paws all over him. I wiped my hand on my skirt.
He looked sideways at me. “I don’t want Llewellyn to die.”
“He won’t, he faked it.”
“How do ya know that?”
“’Cause he’s milking it to get Ash’s attention. Ash was at the hospital. He told me what happened.”
“I hate that fucker!” Ant yelled.
I jolted, the sudden outburst giving me a fright.
“Why the hell wuz he there?!”
“Calm down, Ant, Ash brought Ginger in.”
“Cos he pro’bly caused it.”
I shook my head, Ant losing the plot. “No, it was Ginger who caused the trouble, not Ash.”
“How would you know?!”
Crying Out Silent Page 21
