“I just do.”
“Only cos you wanna fuck Ash!”
I glared at him. “Don’t be so rude!”
“Well, it’s true. Both you and Llewellyn want him, everyone wants him, but only creeps want me.”
“Kelley isn’t a creep.”
“I’m not talkin’ ’bout her!”
“Jesus, calm down, I’m here for you.”
He wiped his face. “And I’m not gay!”
“I didn’t say you were,” even though you are.
“But you’re thinking it after seein’ that creep, but gay-for-pay isn’t the same as bein’ gay.”
I refrained from rolling my eyes, the dude wasting his breath on me.
“I’m not gay,” he spat. “I’ll prove it.”
He grabbed my face and started kissing me, totally freezing me. He pushed me down on the bed and climbed on top of me, his hand going up my skirt, which snapped me out of my shock.
I shoved at him, yelling, “Get offa me!”
He swore and climbed off me. “Leave!” he snapped, pointing at the door.
I remained on his bed, still stunned over what he’d done.
His voice softened. “Please leave.”
“No.” I sat up. “I came here to help you, not to get molested, so cut the crap, Ant, and tell the truth. I know you’re gay, have for a while.”
He shook his head, his expression turning panicked once more.
“Take a chill pill, I’m not gonna tell anyone. I’m fine that you like guys, no skin offa my nose.”
“But how?”
“By accident. I was looking at your CDs that first night I stayed at your place and some photos fell out. They were of Ginger in the nude, and cos you were talking about loving someone you couldn’t be with, I figured it was him.”
His eyes widened. “You looked through my stuff?”
“I said it was an accident, not like I did it on purpose, and I kept your secret, didn’t I? So don’t get all shitty with me.”
“I helped you.”
“And I helped you by not saying a thing. And ’cause I know you love Ginger, I also know you wouldn’t have done what he claims. Well, okay, I don’t know what he’s claimed, but he’s clearly doing all of this to get back at you, as well as getting Ash’s attention, which is working.”
He grimaced. “Ash ruins everything for me.”
“No, Ginger does.”
“You’re wrong. Ash is the reason why Llewellyn hates me.”
“Doubt it, Ginger probably hates you ’cause you’re a right prick to him. I’d hate you too if you threw balls at my face.”
“He rejected me before I started that shit. Llewellyn wants Ash, not me.”
I wanted to say, Can you blame him? Ash is gorgeous. I wouldn’t want you either if I had him, but bit my tongue, preferring not to get yelled at.
He wiped his eyes again. “I really did try to be nice to Llewellyn, but I could tell straight away he liked Ash. Everyone likes Ash. Why can’t someone nice like me?”
“I like you.”
“I meant like like, as in a boyfriend like.”
I shrugged. “Maybe you should try some of the gay guys at school. That one in 5B is really cute.”
“I can’t go with him, he’ll tell people. Plus, he’s not Llewellyn or Ash.”
“You like Ash too?”
“No! I hate that fucker!”
I moved my head back. “Whoa, chill, just the way you said his name made me think you like him.”
“Just cos I wanna fuck him doesn’t mean I like him.”
I covered my ears. “Too much info, Ant! And Ash is way into girls.”
“I know that!”
“Then, stop shouting at me.”
He pushed up and stormed out of the room. I uncovered my ears and ran after him, getting the passage door slammed in my face. I yanked it open, stumbling back as Ant turned on me.
He closed the distance between us. “Why won’t you leave me the fuck alone?!” he yelled in my face.
“’Cause I’m your friend,” I said, standing my ground, not willing to let him intimidate me.
“Why? Cos even Marko hates me now. He caught me kissing Llewellyn today.”
“I know, he told me.”
Ant’s eyes widened. “He told you?!” He brought his hands to his head. “He promised to keep it to himself!”
“He only told me ’cause he realised I knew more ’bout you than he did.”
“He still shouldn’t have told you!” he spat. “I’ve been best mates with him forever and I do one thing and he fuckin’ turns on me. What kinda mate does that?”
“He’s pissed, like really pissed, and can you blame him after what he saw? He told me you basically sexually assaulted Ginger.”
“It wuzn’t like that. I wuz askin’ Llewellyn for permission and Marko goes and blows it outta proportion.” When I didn’t say anything, he continued, “You gotta believe me, Jenna.”
I sighed. “Yeah, no worries, I know you wouldn’t hurt Ginger like that since you love him and all. I told Marko I’d talk to you, that we’d work things out so he doesn’t dob you in. He agreed, but that wuz before Ginger tried to top himself. I’m just worried he’ll change his mind and tell the principal once he finds out. So, we need to formulate a plan.”
“How? I’m done for if Marko backs Llewellyn.”
“Not if Joel and I back you. Three against two, that’s if Marko even talks, ’cause I know a way to buy his silence. We can also pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend.”
He pulled a face. “No one will believe that, everyone knows you’re hung up on Ash. And how will you buy Marko’s silence?”
“I’ve got something special up my sleeve for him. And people will believe we’re an item since I’ve been sitting next to you. We just needa kiss in front of everyone to seal the deal. It might also make Ash jealous, which will hopefully make him realise we’re meant to be together.”
“Talk ’bout delusional, he’s completely done with you. He only wants Tiana.”
I grimaced. “He won’t once that pregnant cow pops out the spoglet. He’ll run for the hills then.”
He blinked at me. “Tiana’s pregnant?”
“Yup, puking her guts out. I saw her today. She’s lost loads of weight from chucking up so much.”
Ant shook his head, looking shocked. “Damn, didn’t think she’d ever get preggers, maybe Lavinia, but not Miss Goody Two-Shoes.”
“And I reckon I’m right ’bout Ash not wanting the baby, it’ll be why he ran away.”
“Ash ran away?”
“Yeah, there was an intervention at his house today. His family was tryna get him to stay at home, but I bet he doesn’t wanna cos of Tiana.”
“Huh!” Ant said. “But why’s he hanging with Llewellyn?”
“Dunno, but I’ll find out. Either way, we’ll go to school tomorrow as boyfriend and girlfriend. I’ll make Ash jealous, while you save your rep.”
“I still wanna know how you’re gonna buy Marko’s silence.”
“Easy, he likes Joel’s stepsister.”
“Yeah, so? I already know that.”
“Does Joel?”
“Nope, Marko would never tell him, cos Joel’s got the major hots for Lavinia too. Joel will go nuts if Marko puts the move on her, which Marko won’t do since he doesn’t wanna upset Joel.”
“Then we’ll use that against Marko, make sure he doesn’t say a word or we’ll tell Joel.”
Ant shook his head. “Marko’s the type who’ll come clean even if it hurts him.”
“Yeah, he is a goody good. But if I swing him a date with Lavinia without Joel finding out, maybe that’ll shut him up.”
“I’m not sure Lavinia fancies him, I’ve got a feeling she actually likes Joel.”
I snorted out a laugh. “No way, she thinks he’s a gross bastard. She’s always whining ’bout him.”
“Everyone complains ’bout Joel but he’s still hot.”
I blinked at him. “You think Joel’s hot?”
“All the dudes in my group are hot. I’d fuck both Ash and Joel if I could, but not Marko, he’s too much like a brother to me, plus he’s not my type. Too big, I like small dudes. Ash isn’t really my type either, but he’s too gorgeous to turn down. Joel’s closer to my type, shorter, with a cute li’l arse.”
I gaped at him.
He shrugged. “It’s not just you girls who think my group’s hot.”
“I can understand you wanting to do Ash, but Joel? He’s a gross bastard, not only that he’s thick as two planks.”
Ant shrugged again. “I find him funny, still, not like I’d really do him, he’s a mate. I’d pro’bly only tap Ash if I got the chance, and anyway, back to Marko. How will ya get Lavinia to go out with him?”
“I have dirt on her, real dirt. She dated Ash’s younger brother for months.”
“I know, I wuz the one who told ja ’bout seein’ ’em kiss behind the rugby stands.”
“They did a helluva lot more than just kiss. I ran into Dante during the holidays, asked if he was all right since he was acting all nuts. I think that kid’s got a screw loose, anyway, he told me that Lavinia dumped him ’cause her mum found out about them. He was spitting out shit you wouldn’t believe.”
“Like what?”
“That Lavinia did the shittiest things to hide their relationship. Once they were kissing behind the aquatics centre and Joel came around the corner. Lavinia pretended that Dante forced the kiss on her. Joel punched him for it. She left with Joel while Dante was lying on the ground bleeding.”
“What a bitch!”
“Totally! And you were right about Lavinia’s uni student boyfriend being a cover for Dante. You know, the one supposedly called Ivan?”
Ant nodded.
“Ivan is Dante’s middle name.”
Ant smiled. “I knew I wuz right.”
I grinned back. “And if that got out—”
“She’ll be mocked or worse...” He sneered, “...done for bein’ a paedo.”
“A bit of an over-exaggeration, don’t cha think?”
“Nope, he’s only thirteen. Do ya think they fucked?”
“Definitely. Dante’s a right li’l hornbag, told me he tapped her all over the place. Despite being a kid, he’s got the gift of the gab with girls. He even tried it on with me. Failed, of course, but if I didn’t know his age and wasn’t so into his brother, I probably would’ve gone out with him. He looks like a younger Ash.”
Ant pulled a face.
“What? He does!”
“And everyone thinks I’m sick.”
I gave him a shove. “Don’t bullshit me, you’d be onto Dante in a second if ya saw him now. When was the last time you saw that kid?”
“You don’t listen, do ya? I already told ja it wuz at rugby.”
“When?”
“The morning before his mum wuz killed.”
“He’s shot up since then, looks more like our age. He’s even taller than me.”
“Not like that’s hard. You’re a short arse.”
“I’m not that short!” I said, giving him another shove, getting a grin in return. “And we’re supposed to be talking ’bout Marko and Lavinia.”
“You’re the one who got off track with Dante.”
“’Cause he’s what I’m gonna blackmail Lavinia with. I’ll tell her I’ll spill the beans if she doesn’t go on a date with Marko, then I’ll tell Marko that she really wants to go out with him. He won’t be able to turn that down. We just have to make sure Joel doesn’t find out so we can use it to keep Marko’s mouth shut. He may be a martyr at times, but I think if he could avoid hurting Joel he would.”
“It could work.”
“No, it will work. Marko will be happy, Joel will be clueless, Lavinia will keep her secret, while you’ll be safe and I’ll get Ash back,” and your lying redheaded boyfriend will get what’s coming to him.
20
ASH
I should’ve rung home to tell Hunter that I was at the hospital with Llewellyn, but I’d gotten so wrapped up with talking to Llewellyn I lost track of time. I’d learned so much about him in just a few short hours, like how he’d started playing the guitar at five, his love of music inherent in everything he said. He’d gotten so excited when I mentioned that I could sing. He’d insisted I do a song for him, clapping his hands like a crazy person when I finished singing No Woman No Cry, telling me I had the best voice in the world. I’d laughed at that, Llewellyn probably thinking everything I did was the best. He continued talking about music, having quite different tastes from me. Where I liked reggae he liked classical music, where I liked Jimi Hendrix he liked Guns N’ Roses. He’d become so animated when he mentioned them—or in particular Axl Rose.
“I remember the first time I saw Axl in a video,” he said, lighting up. “Here’s this guy with red hair like me, skinny too, even looked a little bit like me, and I was mesmerised. I wanted to be him, so I begged my mam continuously to let me grow my hair long. She tried to cut it, but every time I’d scream and run around the house until she gave up.”
I laughed, imagining it.
He continued, “I even convinced kids at school to call me Axl. Then my dad got a job in New Zealand and we had to move here.” The light in his eyes dimmed. “The kids at my primary/intermediate school didn’t think my long red hair was so cool. They didn’t like heavy metal, they preferred Michael Jackson or Boyzone or...” he made a fake gagging sound, “Oasis.” He wrinkled his little nose like Oasis was a stain on the world. “Still, the school wasn’t so bad. I got picked on a little bit, but it was a Catholic one, so they clamped down on bullying fast.” He exhaled. “That wasn’t the case in Claydon High.”
“Shit!” I said, not realising he’d gone to that shithole. “You went to Claydon and lived. They bring guns and knives into that school. What were your parents thinking sending you there?”
“They didn’t know Auckland very well back then. They wanted to buy a house and Claydon was the only place they could afford. I was one street off Wera High’s zone so had to go to Claydon. The bullying started straight away, only stopping when a boy busted one of my ribs. Because of it, my mam begged Wera High to let me in. Principal Sao took pity on her and said yes.” He breathed out. “I wish he hadn’t. Even Claydon didn’t break me this bad.”
I squeezed his hand. “Let’s talk ’bout good stuff, aye?”
He nodded and squeezed my hand back. “Have you been living in South Auckland all your life?”
I shook my head. “I used to live in Dargaville.”
“Where’s Dargaville?”
“Up North, ’bout an hour away from Whangarei. It’s where my parents met. My mum wuz born there,” I said, feeling my chest tighten, “while my dad moved there when he wuz a kid. He’s originally from Puhoi. Anyway, we moved to Auckland when his best mate got a job down ’ere. Those two are tight, do everything together, wouldn’t sneeze if the other one didn’t sneeze too. They’re now living across the road from each other.”
“Do you think you’ll ever move back in with your dad?”
I shook my head. “I hate him.”
He nodded. “I understand. Do you think you’ll ever forgive him for what he did?”
I shook my head. “I’m not the forgiving type, just can’t do it. When I hate, it’s forever, but when I love...” I let my words drift off, wondering whether I still loved Tiana. I sighed, knowing I did, but also knowing it wasn’t strong enough to last, especially with what Llewellyn and I were planning on doing. My thoughts went to the kid in her belly, my kid, and what he or she would be like.
I hope they take after Tiana.
“I s’pose love depends on the person,” I finally said. “I will love certain family members no matter what, but when it comes to bein’ in love, I don’t think that’s forever.”
“It is for me,” he said, staring me in the eye, his words holding no pretence.
He was talking about me.
I blinked, still taken aback by how much he loved me. I hardly knew him, he hardly knew me, yet I heard raw honesty in his words. I didn’t understand how he could’ve fallen for me so hard when I’d only just noticed him. Before yesterday I’d never paid him any attention, other than being slightly annoyed by his attention. But now... he’d won all of my attention, somehow becoming special to me in a matter of hours. No, not somehow, I knew exactly how he’d done it. The last couple of days had made a profound impact on me and he’d been behind it. He’d opened my eyes to the fact I wasn’t alone, that someone else was feeling exactly the same way as I was, suffering the same way. I hadn’t been able to get that from Tiana, and because of it had lost some of our connection, that connection passing onto Llewellyn.
His cheeks turned a splotchy red at my silence. “Don’t you love Tiana?” he asked.
“It’s not unconditional love,” I replied.
He smiled, then shut it down almost as fast as it had lit up his face, clearly happy with my answer, just not wanting me to know.
He cleared his throat. “Are you only staying with her because she’s pregnant?”
I thought about it for a moment before answering. “I’ve considered breaking up with her a few times cos she makes me feel suffocated, but then I remember what we had before everything turned to shit and wonder whether I can get that back. Stupid, I know. I’ve put too much distance between us for that to happen, and if it weren’t for tomorrow I think I’d hafta answer with a yes, that I’d only stay for the kid. Though, not sure I’d be of much help.”
He gave me a soft smile. “You’d be a great father.”
“You think too much of me.”
He shook his head. “No, you would be great, I know it.”
I smiled at him, wondering how I’d never noticed this kid before, because he was a complete sweetheart. I’d obviously been deaf, dumb, and blind to have missed him. “You’d be a great dad too.”
His face turned sad. “The doctor doesn’t think I can have kids. My...” He grimaced and indicated to his groin. “You’ve seen it, it’s not normal.”
I gave his hand a supportive squeeze. “Normal is boring, and you’re definitely not that.”
“Why are you so nice?” he asked, smiling at me shyly.
Crying Out Silent Page 22
