Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  I let out a choked laugh. “I’m not nice, I’m a bastard.”

  “You’re nice to me.”

  “Cos you’re worth bein’ nice to. Not many people are.”

  His cheeks turned even more splotchy. “And you’re worth being nice to as well. You’re the nicest person I know.”

  “All the girls say that—” I cut myself off, realising what I’d said a little too late. I let go of his hand. “I didn’t mean you’re a girl, well, you are, I just didn’t mean it as an insult. It wuz a joke, a dumb one—”

  “It’s all right, Ash, I know,” he jumped in, saving me from embarrassing myself further. “And I don’t know why you think calling me a girl is an insult.”

  “It is for a guy, and you’re half a guy.”

  “And half a girl, so I’m fine with it.” He lowered his gaze, acting shy again. “If I was a full girl would you have asked me out?”

  “Pro’bly, you’re really pretty.”

  He peeked up. “Even more than Jenna and Tiana?”

  “Look who’s fishing for compliments.”

  His face dropped. “I didn’t mean—”

  I cut him off before he hyperventilated. “Chill, Louie, I’m just teasing ya. And you three are all pretty, just in different ways. Tiana’s sexy in an instant boner way.” I cupped my hands over my chest, imitating big tits. “She has smack-ya-in-the-face knockers that you can’t ignore, while Jenna’s hot in an Avril Lavigne kinda way, cool but with bite, while you’re...” I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to think of how to describe him.

  “I’m what?” he asked, looking like he was hanging on every word.

  “You’re sort of elf-like, minus the pointy ears. You have a surreal beauty, not quite real, if that makes sense. I wouldn’t call you hot like Tiana, but you’re defo more beautiful than her.”

  His eyes sparkled, a massive smile pulling at his lips. “So, if I became a full girl you’d go out with me?”

  “Ah...” I said, realising I’d fucked up with complimenting him too much. Still, the way he’d flipped from wanting to die to wanting to go out with me threw me. “But you’re not a full girl,” I finally said, wondering whether he was changing his mind about drowning. I didn’t mind if he decided to live, if anything I’d be happy, but it didn’t mean I’d do the same. He’d set something in motion that I didn’t want to stop.

  “I could become a full girl,” Llewellyn said. “There’s an operation for it.”

  “But... what ’bout tomorrow? Claydon Beach.”

  The smile fell from his face. “I didn’t mean it for real, was just talking hypothetically.”

  “Hyper what?”

  He blinked at me. “You know, something that could happen, but is just an idea.”

  “So, not real, just possible?”

  He nodded.

  I shook my head. “I’m with Tiana until the day I die.”

  Llewellyn bit his bottom lip. “But if you didn’t die tomorrow, do you think you’d stay with her?”

  “You already asked me that, and I told ja I would for the kid.”

  “Oh, yeah,” he said, looking sad. “Though, it doesn’t mean it would last. People with kids get divorced all the time.”

  “I’m not married, and never will be, and not just cos of tomorrow. Even if I lived I wouldn’t marry Tiana.”

  “Why?”

  “Marriages don’t work out.”

  “My parents’ one did until my dad died.”

  “Well, my parents’ one didn’t, and it wuz shit to live through. Even my mum’s love for my father couldn’t save their marriage. She didn’t wanna divorce him even after all the verbal abuse he threw her way. She only did it when she found out he hit me. Her first marriage broke her, while the second one finished her off.” I dropped my gaze, missing her so fucking bad it physically hurt.

  “I would never abuse you,” Llewellyn said, drawing my attention back up to him. “I’d treasure you.”

  I shook my head at him. “I really don’t understand why you love me.”

  “If you look through my eyes you’ll understand,” he said, softly. “And if you listen with my ears you’ll know it’s more than your looks.”

  I didn’t reply, not knowing what to say to that.

  He smiled sadly at me. “You know, for a gorgeous guy you’re incredibly modest.”

  I shrugged, not really thinking so. I knew I was good-looking, just didn’t think my looks defined me.

  “You are, so don’t put yourself down.”

  “Back at cha, babe, cos you do the same. You put yourself down and you’re beautiful.”

  His face went slack.

  I frowned. “Why’re ya lookin’ at me like that? Did I say sumpthin’ wrong?”

  “You called me babe.”

  “You said you didn’t mind bein’ called a girl.”

  “Babe’s different.”

  “Not really, it’s just a good-lookin’ girl.”

  “It can be used for both a girl and guy, but that’s not what I’m getting at.”

  “What are you gettin’ at?” I asked, now confused.

  He lowered his voice as though he was about to tell me a secret. “It’s intimate.”

  “Is that a problem?” I asked, not really agreeing.

  “No, I love it. You can call me babe all the time.”

  I shook my head and chuckled. “You are so weird... babe.”

  “You are so perfect...” He gave me a grin, “babe.”

  I laughed louder.

  “What’s so funny?” someone asked.

  I turned to see Llewellyn’s mother and sister walk through the doorway. His sister was clearly the one who’d asked the question, her focus completely on me. I didn’t reply, watching as she glided around to the other side of the bed like a dancer about to perform. She looked between me and her brother, something in her eyes telling me she thought we were more than friends. I ignored her assumption, instead turning my attention to her mother.

  Mrs. Davies came to a stop next to me, giving me a smile so similar to her son’s it was eerie. “I’m happy to see you’ve put a smile on Llewellyn’s face, but unfortunately he needs to be assessed by a doctor, it may take a while...” She let her words peter off, the woman hinting it was time for me to fuckoffski.

  I pushed out of my chair. “No worries, I needa get back home anyway. My cuz is expecting me.”

  She nodded. “Thank you so much for everything you’ve done, Ash.” She went to hug me.

  I quickly stepped back, banging into the bedside cabinet. “Sorry, I can’t touch people.”

  She frowned. “You never have to say sorry to me, you saved my son’s life. I’m just so grateful that Llewellyn has such a great friend.”

  I bit my lip, not sure she’d think that after tomorrow. “Thanks,” I muttered, feeling guilty. My attention shifted back to Llewellyn. “See ya tomorrow.”

  He nodded, looking at me knowingly, the time already set.

  “Llewellyn will be home by then,” his mum cut in. “You can visit him there.”

  I glanced at Llewellyn, giving him one more nod, then left, knowing the next time I saw him—it would be the last.

  ***

  “Where have you been?!” Hunter barked, looking furious. His bearded face had turned a darker shade of red, matching the chequered pattern on his plaid shirt. “I told you to come straight home with your friend!”

  I glanced at Tiana, who was peeking around the passageway door like a curious, but scared child.

  “Ash!” Hunter snapped, pulling my attention back to him. “I asked you a question?”

  “I wuz at the hospital,” I replied, clutching Kelley’s book to my bare chest. I’d gone back to her room after visiting Llewellyn, asking her for a favour, one she was more than happy to oblige.

  Hunter frowned. “What were you doin’ there? And where’s your shirt?”

  “Llewellyn, the friend I told you ’bout, tried to commit suicide.”

  “Wha
t?” Tiana gasped, stepping out from the passageway.

  “I found him at Claydon Beach with a slit wrist. I wrapped my shirt around it and got him help. I stayed with him until it wuz time to leave.”

  “Why’d he do it, Ash?” Tiana asked, her big brown eyes shiny with unshed tears. I wasn’t sure whether they were for Llewellyn or because of me, since her eyes were also rimmed in red. Maybe it was a combination of both, along with her pregnancy problems.

  “Llewellyn can’t take Ant’s bullying anymore,” I answered, purposely leaving out the rapes. I was holding onto Llewellyn’s secret until tomorrow, when Tiana and everyone else in our class would be told what a lying, rapist scumbag Ant was.

  Tiana brushed her messy brown hair back. One side was flat, my return home probably having interrupted a nap. “I told him to tell a teacher about it,” she said, “but he refused to, reckoned it would make things worse. I disagreed, even offered to tell Mr. Ogilvy,” our English teacher, “if he was too scared to do it himself. But he wouldn’t let me, made me promise not to say a word, insisting that he’d deal with it his own way. I should’ve ignored him and done it regardless.”

  “It’s not your fault, Tiana, everyone knew he wuz bein’ bullied and didn’t say shit. Though, that’ll change tomorrow. I’m gonna pass on some info to Mr. Daniels ’bout what Ant did to Llewellyn along with more shit ’bout Jenna.” I tapped the book I was holding, drawing her attention to it.

  “What did Jenna do now?”

  “She’s the reason why Kelley got run over. But there’s a helluva lot more in this book ’bout both Jenna and Ant,” I said, what I’d read so far more than eye-opening, shocking closer to the mark. “You wouldn’t believe half the shit they’ve done. Those two evil motherfuckers are gonna get what’s coming to ’em once I pass Kelley’s book onto Mr. Daniels.”

  “Poor Kelley,” Tiana said sadly. “Mr. Sao should’ve expelled Jenna a long time ago. He’s too forgiving at everyone else’s expense.” She shook her head. “I just hope he finally grows a backbone and kicks both Jenna and Ant out. School would be so much better without those two terrorising everyone.”

  I held up the book. “Once he reads this, he’ll defo expel the both of ’em.”

  She reached for it. “Can I see?”

  I shook my head. “Sorry, it’s Kelley’s personal diary. I’m only allowed to give it to Mr. Daniels. Anyway,” I indicated to the passage, “I needa write some of my own stuff. Talk to ya later.”

  I went to go, but Hunter grabbed me by the arm, yanking me back. I yelled out and jerked free, yelling even louder as he pushed me against the wall.

  Tiana shot forward, trying to get him to let go. “Stop it, Hunter!”

  He ignored her, causing my panic to ramp up. I shoved him hard, but he wouldn’t budge an inch, Hunter much bigger than me. “You don’t get to walk away like that!” he barked.

  “Just lemme go!” I shouted, not knowing what the fuck I’d done to deserve this.

  His nostrils flared, giving me the impression he wasn’t going to back off, yet he did, though his growl still curled around me, pinning me to the spot. “Stop treating me like shit, Ash. I’m sick of it!”

  “I’m not treating you like shit!” I snapped back, not believing what I was hearing.

  “Like fuck you aren’t. You put me through hell last night,” he jabbed a finger at me, “today too. You can’t just brush that off like it’s nuthin’.”

  “I didn’t even do anything that bad. I wuz away for one night, and you don’t have a right to get pissy with me cos of today. You held a fuckin’ intervention for me. How did’ja expect me to act?”

  “Cos you don’t normally take off without a word,” he replied, waving a hand at me. “The coppers found you on a goddamned bench like some homeless person, stoned outta your tree.”

  “I wuzn’t stoned, the pigs woke me up. Everyone looks stoned when they’re half-asleep. They only assumed I wuz off my face cos I’m a hori.”

  “Don’t use that word, you racist li’l shit,” he snapped.

  My eyes widened. “I’m not racist! It’s only bad when Pākehā say it,” I replied, referring to white people.

  “You do realise you’re more Pākehā than Māori?”

  “Not by much,” I said, insulted he didn’t think I was Māori enough.

  “The coppers wouldn’t have known that, so stop jumping to conclusions that it’s based on race.”

  “Bullshit. I just needa open my mouth and they’ll know my roots, plus I look like Dante. Every pig in South Auckland will recognise me cos of that shithead.”

  “That’s beside the point. You scared both me and Tiana. You also scared your uncle enough for him to drive over three hours to get ’ere, even enough for him to be in the same room as your father. I swear he’d kill him if he could.”

  “That’s your fault for ringing him.”

  “It doesn’t matter, you still don’t get to walk away from what you did. You owe Tiana and me an explanation for last night, as well as for all the other times you blew us off.”

  “I didn’t blow you off, and last night wuz a oncer.”

  “You do blow us off. The way you walk around like we don’t matter hurts. You treat us so coldly, which you’re obviously doin’ to your mates too. What you said to Joel and Marko...” He shook his head disapprovingly. “I heard it all. That wuz so cruel, son. They love you like a brother. You don’t get to play with people’s emotions even after what wuz done to you. Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

  I didn’t reply, knowing he was right, but also knowing he was wrong at the same time.

  “Son—”

  “That’s the problem,” I snapped. “I’m not your son, cos if I wuz, this shit wouldn’t have happened to me. But it did and it makes it impossible to talk to people cos of it.”

  “You said you can talk to that suicide kid.”

  “What the fuck, Hunter? Don’t call him that!”

  “I can’t remember his bloody name!” he spat back. “But I can remember Joel’s name, Marko’s too, and most of all I remember Tiana’s name, which you don’t seem to of late. You’re more concerned with a kid I haven’t even met over your own woman.”

  My gaze moved to Tiana. She was staring at the floor, her bottom lip trembling. “That’s not true,” I defended myself, although part of it was. Because I did avoid her, like I avoided Joel and Marko. I’d pushed everyone who’d been important to me away, unable to relate to them anymore, being around them becoming too much hard work.

  “Well, it sure as fuck feels like it is,” he continued. “Do ya even want Tiana living ’ere? Cos it feels like you’ve broken up with her just without tellin’ the poor girl.”

  Tiana kept her gaze down.

  I grimaced, realising she clearly thought the same as Hunter. My mind went to what I’d said to Llewellyn, that I didn’t think what I had with Tiana was forever, regardless of what I was going to do tomorrow, and even if I chose to stay with her instead of killing myself she’d eventually get sick of me, leaving because I was too much hard work. But that wouldn’t happen anyway, because I was going to die tomorrow, and maybe if I broke up with her now my death wouldn’t hit her so hard.

  “Maybe we should split,” I said.

  Her eyes snapped up to me. “No, Ash!”

  I grimaced. “I make you miserable, Tiana. Do ya really want that to continue?”

  “I want you!” she cried, reaching for me.

  I went to pull away, but stopped myself, what I was doing cruel. I’d been there for Llewellyn, but I wasn’t being there for Tiana, who I’d claimed to love. And I did, just... it wasn’t enough. Still, I took hold of her hands, needing for her to understand. “I’m no good for you, Tiana, you hafta see that. I’m no good for anyone.” Even Llewellyn, no matter what he thinks.

  She started crying, no longer holding back. “But I love you, and I’m having your baby.”

  “I know, I love you too,” I replied, wondering whether I should
even be saying that since I was putting myself before her, putting the suicide pact before our future together. Would a person do that to someone they loved? I wasn’t sure anymore.

  Her bottom lip trembled at my words. Feeling guilty as sin, I pulled her into a hug, wishing I’d never asked her out. Not because I hadn’t wanted to go out with her, but because I’d caused her nothing but pain, Tiana deserving so much better.

  She wrapped her arms around me and pressed her face into my neck, sobbing into it. My gaze moved to Hunter, whose brown eyes had gone watery.

  He shook his head at me. “Don’t do this, Ash, you have a responsibility. Stop hurting her.”

  I squeezed Tiana tighter, able to hold her close for the first time in a very long while. She let out a loud sob, the sound a punch to my gut, but it wasn’t going to change a thing. I was still going to leave her whether she found out now or tomorrow.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, knowing I was being a selfish cunt for doing this to her, not only for upsetting her but leaving her alone with a baby. Except I wasn’t really leaving her alone, because Hunter would look after her and my kid like he’d looked after me.

  I cleared my throat, swallowing down my own tears. “Maybe I just need some sleep, I’m so tired.” So fucking tired of life. “We’ll talk some more tomorrow, sort things out.”

  She pulled back and nodded, wiping her eyes. “Yes, today was big, you should sleep. You’re just tired, everything will be all right tomorrow,” she said, her watery gaze pleading with me to agree.

  “After tomorrow there’ll be no more worries,” I replied, knowing she would eventually get over me.

  Hunter frowned, looking like he didn’t believe a word I was saying, but Tiana gave me a hopeful smile. I forced myself to smile back at her, then headed for my room, having lost hope a long time ago.

  21

  ASH

  I didn’t get to sleep until late that night, the letters I’d written taking hours. They were for different people, each one personalised. I thanked Hunter, telling him what I’d done wasn’t his fault, that I truly loved him as a dad and that he couldn't have done more for me. I also said bye to my li’l brother and sister, writing that I loved them very much, and not to be sad because I was with Mum in Heaven, even though I didn’t believe in it. I’d just written it in a way that the li’l ones could understand. While Dante... I didn’t explain much to him because I knew he’d understand why I chose death over life, what he’d witnessed being done to me saying more than my words ever could.