“He will be.” I pushed to my feet and extended my hand to her. “Let’s go home.”
Despite being sick, she gave me a smile and weaved her fingers through mine. We walked to the carpark, the others following, leaving Ant in the past—along with Llewellyn.
27
LLEWELLYN
DECEMBER
Ant went to youth prison. I didn’t take in how many years my mam said it was, all I knew was he was never going to come near me again. And my mam was making doubly sure of that. She walked back into my bedroom, which was now empty. All our belongings had been packed and shipped to Wales. Mam had arranged for us to move back to our home country, only Caitlin staying in New Zealand. My sister refused to return with us, instead moving in with her boyfriend. I didn’t want to go either. The only place I wanted to go was to Ash’s house. He’d tried so hard to see me, coming to my house, phoning me, but my sister and mam had told him to go away, not forgiving him for taking me out into the water. They’d blamed him for that suicide attempt even though I’d told them it wasn’t his fault, that I’d been the one who’d suggested the pact, and that he’d tried to save me in the end, risking his own life by holding me above the waves. But they didn’t care, especially my mam, who ranted about ‘those evil Kiwi boys’, that she needed to take me back to Wales so I would never have to deal with them again.
And it hurt. But I hadn’t said a word against her, especially after I saw Ash with Tiana. I’d snuck out twice with the hope of seeing him, the first time failing. Only his younger brother had been home, Dante telling me to try the next day, so I had. I’d returned, hiding behind a tree as Ash got out of a car with Tiana, his surrogate dad, and Dante. Ash had slung an arm over Tiana’s shoulders, her baby belly now showing. I’d cried while watching the one person I loved more than anything in the world walk inside his home with the girl he’d clearly reconnected with, which was why I hadn’t fought the move to Wales. But as I stood in my empty room, all I could think about was that I would never see Ash again.
“Louie,” my mam said. “We have to leave now; the taxi’s here.”
I breathed out, knowing I needed to say it, needed this one last thing before I left New Zealand and any chance of seeing Ash again. “I have to see him.”
She looked puzzled for all of a second before she realised who him was. “No, Louie! You can’t. It’s boys like him we’re leaving this place for.”
“Ash never hurt me—”
“He tried to kill you!”
“No, Mam, he fought to save me, pushing me out of the water while he drowned beneath me.”
“He still took you out there, and right after saving you the first time—”
I cut her off, “He understood why I did it, something similar was done to him. He was raped too.”
“No,” she said, “that Ant boy only attempted to rape him. It’s not the same.”
“This isn’t about Ant Torres,” I said, the name sticking in my throat. “It’s about what Ash’s stepdad did to him, how he raped Ash and murdered Ash’s mother in front of him.”
My mother blanched. “You never told me that.”
“I didn’t think I had a right to, but you’re judging Ash yet not judging me. I talked him into the suicide pact, and he only agreed because he understood how much pain I was in.”
“My boy,” Mam sobbed, reaching for me. I let her pull me into a hug. “I’m so, so, very sorry. I should’ve known things weren’t right for you.”
“It’s not your fault, I hid it.”
She pulled back. “Please, I beg you, please come to me no matter what. I can’t bare losing you, Louie. I’d die without you.”
I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. “I will as long as you let me see him one last time.”
“Sweetheart, I don’t think—”
“I love him, Mam, really love him.”
“Oh, darling, you’ll find someone else.”
I shook my head, tears now falling onto my cheeks. “I don’t want anyone else, so please let me see him. I need this, Mam. I can’t just leave without saying goodbye.”
She stared at me for a moment, then nodded. “But only at the airport. If he wants to see you off, tell him to meet us there.” She pulled out her phone and handed it over. “Come out to the taxi when you’re done, I’ll go tell the driver to wait.” She left my room, giving me the privacy I needed to speak to Ash.
I dialled his number with shaky hands, knowing it by heart. I’d managed to sneak the phone off my mam when she’d fallen asleep a few weeks back. I’d phoned Ash but had gotten his surrogate father, hanging up instantly. I’d tried a half-an-hour later, getting Tiana instead, also hanging up on her. I’d tried again a few days later, swiping my sister’s mobile to make the call. I’d gotten Tiana once more, hanging up like the other times. My sister had found out about it, Ash’s number apparently having been recorded in her phone. I’d gotten in trouble, made to promise not to call him again, and I hadn’t, until now...
I placed the phone to my ear, waiting nervously for someone to pick up, praying it was Ash for once, but instead Tiana answered. For all of a second I thought about hanging up, before barrelling ahead, not allowing my fear to stop me from seeing Ash one last time.
“Can I please speak to Ash?” I asked, praying he was home.
“Why, Llewellyn?” she asked, clearly recognising my voice. “Why should I let you?”
I went quiet, wondering whether she blamed me for almost getting him killed, which she had a right to, because I had.
“Are you still there?” she asked.
I gripped onto the phone tighter. “Yes,” I said weakly.
“You have a nerve calling,” she said.
“I’m sorry, I know you blame me for what happened—”
“No, I don’t. The fact you two were in the water tells me it was Ash who suggested what went down. But I do blame you for trying to steal him from me, and not through death. I know you love him, and I know he cheated on me with you. I never said anything to Ash about it cos I’m not willing to give him an excuse to leave me. He’s my boyfriend, Llewellyn, not yours.”
“Ash didn’t cheat on you.”
“Don’t lie to me, Joel told me you two were holding hands and acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. So tell me the truth!”
I jolted, never having heard Tiana raise her voice before. “I want to be with him, but he chose you.”
“So, he did do something with you?”
“No, he didn’t. We never kissed, we only held hands as friends, he never cheated on you,” I said, leaving out the hugs and his hands on my boobs, but the last one had been an accident, and the former was a memory I would treasure. I wasn’t going to tell her or anyone, keeping it for myself.
She exhaled loudly, sounding relieved. “So, why should I let you talk to him when you’ve admitted you want him to be your boyfriend?”
“Because I’m moving overseas, back to Wales, and I want to say goodbye.”
“Oh,” she said, sounding surprised.
“So, can I please talk to him, Tiana. Please. One last time.”
“Okay,” she said, her voice softening, the hard edge gone, her hackles going down. And I couldn’t blame her for trying to protect her relationship, because if I were her I’d fight to keep Ash.
“Thank you,” I said, grateful.
“I can’t say you’re welcome, so I’ll just go get him. Take care, Llewellyn. I’m sorry it came to this. I always did think you were nice.”
“That’s what I think about you. At least Ash is with someone who deserves him.”
Tiana made a small undecipherable sound. “I feel for you, but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have fought for him if you tried to take him from me. I would’ve fought hard.”
“I know.”
“Goodbye, Llewelyn,” she said.
I replied back, hearing the sound of walking on the other end of the line, my heart now moving into my throat, the anticipation of talking to Ash
scaring me.
“It’s Llewellyn,” Tiana said.
Then his voice came over the line. “Louie? Is that really you?”
“Yes.”
“Shit, I missed you.”
“Ash!” Tiana said, making him swear.
“I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” he said to her.
“Llewellyn’s leaving for Wales, so you’ll be missing him a whole lot more.” The sound of a slamming door echoed through the phone, then Ash’s voice returned.
“Is it true?” he asked. “Are you moving to Wales?”
“Yes,” I said softly.
“Why?” he replied, sounding upset.
“My mam thinks New Zealand is evil now, wants us to return home.”
“But, I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t want to go either,” I replied, willing myself not to cry.
“Then don’t.”
“I have to.”
“No you don’t, you’re sixteen now. You can move out.”
“And go where? I can’t support myself. I can barely talk to people let alone get a job.”
“You can come live with me.”
“I don’t think Tiana will like that.”
He went silent for a moment, then exhaled. “I didn’t think when I asked. Shit comes outta my mouth before my brain kicks in. But I still don’t want ya leaving. You’re my best mate.”
My heart clenched at his words, wanting to be so much more than his friend. “I don’t think Joel will like hearing you say that.”
“He’s not ’ere anymore, he ran away to Australia with his stepsister. He got Lavinia pregnant.”
I gasped, “You’re kidding me?”
“No. He wuz always tryna get into Lavinia’s knickers. Looks like Lavinia wanted him just as much, otherwise she wouldn’t have taken off with him.”
I wish you would take off with me, I wanted to say, but instead cleared my throat. “I need to go; the taxi is waiting for me.”
“Can I come see you off at the airport?” he asked.
My heart skipped a beat, happy he’d asked instead of me having to ask. “You want to?”
“Of course! I’d never say bye to you over a phone. I wanna see you.”
I smiled. “Yes, I’d love that.”
“Cool, meet me in the food lounge.”
“Okay, I’ll see you there.” I hung up and headed out of my room, not looking back, only looking forward to seeing Ash.
One last time.
28
ASH
I’d done some pretty fast talking to borrow Hunter’s car, most of it lies. I’d used my brother as the excuse for needing it, telling him that I wanted to take Dante on an outing, knowing without a doubt that Hunter wouldn’t have agreed to let me see Llewellyn, even this one last time. It was because bloody Joel had told him all about me and Llewellyn holding hands, making out that I’d cheated on Tiana, bro code going out the window. I’d gotten a right bollocking because of it, Hunter lecturing me about my responsibility to Tiana, to my unborn child, which was rich coming from him considering he didn’t look after his own kids. The twins were still living with my grandparents up North, Hunter showing no interest in letting Juliet and Sledge know he was their real father. But I knew it wasn’t worth bringing them up, Hunter still a good father-figure to me.
Dante grumbled next to me as I drove past the lookout area. There were quite a few cars parked there, people watching the planes arrive and depart.
“I don’t wanna go to mini golf,” Dante said. “That pussy shit is for li’l kids and I ain’t no li’l kid.”
I rolled my eyes, slowing down as I neared the roundabout, a few cars in front of me. Dante had been staying with us over the holidays since our father had to do some work down the line. I didn’t ask what it was, Dante probably not knowing, other than it was gang related.
“I’m not taking you there, dipshit,” I said, “cos if I wuz I would’ve gotten Juliet and Sledge.” The li’l ones would’ve loved to have played mini-golf, more so Sledge, who loved anything to do with pirates, the place set out like a treasure hunt.
Dante sat up straighter at my words, now looking excited. “What are we doin’ then?” He smiled, probably imagining everything bad he could get up to, the li’l prick still knocking heads with the law. He’d gotten caught selling weed again, racking up another expulsion. Though, it looked like he was going to be let back in after he got expelled from Claydon too, this time for fucking in a restroom—amongst other things.
“We’re goin’ to the airport,” I answered.
“Fuck yeah!” he said, pumping a fist in the air. “Where are we flying to?”
“We ain’t taking a flight, you dumb-arse. What do I look like? Rich?”
“Don’t call me dumb!”
“Then, don’t act it.”
“Just tell me what we’re doin’!”
“A mate is leaving the country. I wanna say bye.”
“Oh.” He slumped down in his seat, looking unimpressed. “Why do ya need me to do that? I wuz busy.”
“The only thing you were doin’ wuz complaining that you were bored outta your tree, so don’t give me that.”
“Whatever, but if you want me to keep my mouth shut ’bout you lying to Hunter, you owe me, and I want it paid in weed.”
“Fuck off!”
“Twenty bucks, then.”
“Ten.”
“Fifteen.”
“Deal.”
He sat up straighter once again, grinning now. I refrained from telling him he was a li’l shit and kept on driving, soon passing the mini-golf course. Dante looked at it as we went by. No matter what he’d said, he probably would’ve liked it, just was always trying to act tougher than he was, wanting everyone to think he was hard as nails even though he was soft as shit.
I headed through the main intersection, turning left into the airport car park, the barrier arm lifting for me to enter. I found a spot in no time, getting out of Hunter’s Chevy with my brother.
Dante looked around, murmuring, “This is cool. I would so love to fly a plane.”
“You can’t even drive,” I said, walking over the pedestrian crossing.
“I can too,” he replied, following me into the airport terminal. “Dad taught me.”
“Yeah, he’s irresponsible enough to let a li’l kid get behind a wheel.”
“I’m not li’l!” He puffed his chest out as though to prove his point.
Not caring, I glanced around the airport terminal, wondering whether Llewellyn had finished checking in her bags. When I couldn’t see her, I took the escalator to the second floor with Dante, heading over to the food court. I stopped by the cafe, scanning all the tables for Llewellyn, but couldn’t find her. The fear I’d missed her started preying on my mind, one last time with her possibly not coming my way.
I continued to look around. “I can’t see her.”
“Maybe she’s in the loo,” Dante said. “And I thought you said it wuz a mate.”
“Girls can be mates too, and I can’t see her mum or sister either.”
“Who is it? Maybe I can spot her?”
“You don’t know her.”
“I know a lot of chicks, so try me.”
“Llewellyn Davies.”
“The redheaded babe?”
I scowled at him. “How do ya know her?”
He tapped his nose. “That’s for me to know and for you to ask her.” He walked off, weaving around the chairs, heading for the loos, his put-on swagger laughable—if it weren’t for what he’d said. I thought about following him, demanding that he tell me how he knew Llewellyn, but decided not to waste any more time on him, especially since he was probably playing up things to rile me.
I continued to look around for Llewellyn, getting more and more worried I was too late. After another minute of not spotting her, I took the escalator back down to the terminals, double-checking them. Still not having any luck, I looked up at the flight information, unable
to find anything to do with Wales. Extremely frustrated, I went back upstairs, checking the surrounding shops, then the food court yet again, followed by the loos, not finding Dante there either. I headed back out, only just realising there was a higher level. Wondering whether there was also a food court up there, I ascended another escalator, stopping as I neared a lounge area, what I saw making me blink in surprise. Dante was sitting next to Llewellyn, the two of them talking, the li’l bastard clearly not pulling my leg about knowing her.
I growled, annoyed he hadn’t come and gotten me, telling me where she was. I headed for them, capturing Llewellyn’s attention. Her head turned towards me, a shy smile pulling at her lips, but before I could even get near her, the unbelievable happened. Dante tapped her on the shoulder. She turned to look at him, jerking her head back as he went in for a kiss.
“You li’l shit!” I barked, capturing other people’s attention, but I didn’t give a flying fuck. I stormed over as Llewellyn pushed out of her seat. “What the fuck do ya think you’re doin’?” I snapped at Dante.
Llewellyn indicated for someone off to our side to stay back, but I wasn’t paying attention to who it was, my sole focus on my prick of a brother.
Dante rose to his feet, at least a couple of inches taller than Llewellyn even though he was three years younger. “Just sayin’ bye to Llewellyn.”
“Not with a bloody kiss!”
Dante shrugged. “She lemme kiss her a few weeks back, so why not get another one in?”
Llewellyn’s eyes went wide. “I never let you kiss me, you planted that on me like you tried to plant another one on me now.”
“What the fuck?” I said, not understanding how she even knew Dante let alone had kissed him. “What the hell is goin’ on?”
“Looks like nuthin’,” Dante replied. “And you’re boring me. Catcha downstairs.” He walked off, lifting his hand to wave without looking back. “Bye, babe,” he said, obviously directing it at Llewellyn.
I whipped my head back to Llewellyn. “How do ya know my brother and why did’ja kiss him?”
“I already said I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me, and it was only a peck because I jerked my head back then too, he just managed to make contact that time.”
Crying Out Silent Page 28
