“I still don’t understand how you know him.”
She pulled a face. “I first saw him at Claydon Beach a few weeks back.”
My eyes widened.
“I didn’t go there to kill myself,” she jumped in before I could say anything, “well, not again, I was reminiscing.”
“’Bout almost dying there twice,” I said, not believing my ears.
She shook her head. “About the fun we had when we skipped school. Your brother was there, drunk and smelling like a brewery. I’d seen him before, at your house.”
“You never went to my house,” I said, not understanding.
“I went there to see you, but you weren’t home.”
“Dante didn’t mention it.”
“I asked him to, but he said he wasn’t allowed. He also said that your surrogate father told him that if I ever came around to tell me to go away, that I wasn’t welcome.”
I growled, “Bloody Hunter.”
“Dante still told me to try again, which I did the next day, but you arrived home with your family and Tiana. I didn’t think I had a right to intrude. I was upset, so I went to the beach that night to calm myself down, to remember the good times instead of the bad. It was when I saw Dante. He was even more upset than I was. I tried to comfort him, he kissed me. I told him I wasn’t interested, he respected my wishes. Anyway, he was more interested in drinking his vodka and...” She frowned. “He told me about what your stepdad did to him, said he’d kept it a secret, that he—”
“It’s not a secret,” I growled, wishing I could kill my stepfather for brutally beating up Dante, as well as everything else he’d done to me and my family.
She breathed out loudly. “I just hope he can cope with it, for all of us to cope with our abuse. We need to move on from what was done to us, to live our lives as fully as we can. I also want to live it as honestly as I can, which is why I want to tell you that I liked your brother’s kiss because—”
I cut her off, “What the fuck, Llewellyn?” I snapped, now even more annoyed. Did she purposely want to piss me off? Was she getting back at me because I was with Tiana?
She held up a hand. “It’s not what you think. I liked it because it was almost like it was you kissing me. I knew it wasn’t, which was why I jerked my head back, but still... seeing a glimpse of you in Dante was nice.”
I frowned, not sure whether to take that as a compliment or still be annoyed.
“I also like your jealous reaction,” she said, dropping her gaze.
I went to say that I wasn’t jealous, but cut the lie short as she raised her eyes to me, her hair partially obscuring her face. It had grown longer, reaching just below her shoulders. She bit her lip, drawing my attention to her mouth, then what she said next bled out all of my anger.
“You’re the only person I ever wanted to kiss.”
“I... ah...” I stuttered, not knowing what to say to that. I wanted to kiss her too, but couldn’t because of Tiana.
She stared at me sadly, looking so fucking angelic it hurt to look at her, even more so knowing she was leaving. “I’m going to miss you,” she said.
“I’m gonna miss you too,” I replied, shifting between feet, my heart racing. “Are you gonna come back some day?”
She shook her head. “I don’t like this country; it has nothing but bad memories for me.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling my heart sink.
“No, I’m wrong.”
“’Bout comin’ back?”
She shook her head. “About it having nothing but bad memories. I’ll cherish the memories I have with you.”
I bit my lip like she had, but not because I was shy, but because I was trying to hide a smile, the fact I’d made some of her time in New Zealand good meaning the world to me.
“Do you like me, Ash?” she asked.
“Of course, you’re my—”
“No, Ash, I don’t mean as a friend, I mean more.”
I didn’t reply, definitely liking her more than as a friend.
“If you ever left Tiana, I’d come back,” she lowered her eyes again, her seesaw of emotions hard to hide, “but only if I can be your girlfriend.”
“You’re not serious?”
She pulled a face and turned away, looking like she was going to leave, my answer clearly upsetting her.
I grabbed her arm. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I wuzn’t blowing you off.”
She turned back to me, her hazel-green eyes glossing over with tears. “I love you, Ash. You know that it’s real, don’t you?”
I nodded.
“But I understand you don’t love me back.”
“I care for you, a lot,” I said, unable to say more, too scared to say more. “But I—”
“—can’t be with me,” she finished my words, although she was wrong. But I didn’t correct her, because she was also right. I couldn’t be with her. For so many reasons. She had no idea what I was, what I’d become. I was now working for Hunter, selling drugs. Tiana wasn’t happy about it but had accepted it. It wasn’t a life she deserved and it most certainly wasn’t a life Llewellyn deserved.
Llewellyn continued talking, “I understand you have a responsibility to Tiana. She’s giving you a baby. I can’t do that. I can’t have children, it’s not possible. Just know that if you’re ever unhappy with her, I’m only a phone call away.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “Here’s my uncle’s number. My mam and I will be staying with him.”
I nodded, and pocketed the piece of paper, saving it to put in my mobile later.
She lifted her hand, placing it on my neck, her eyes going to the new tattoo there, the curves and lines of the Māori design circling it. I’d gotten it to scare people off, a don’t mess with me statement, the tattoo a giant fuck-off to all the nasty pricks in the world.
“I love this,” she said, tracing the curve of a koru—the stylised fern motif. “It’s beautiful.” She ran her finger over my Adam’s apple. “Like you.”
I inhaled at her touch, at her words. I wanted her. But there was no point now in giving into what I wanted. She was leaving right when I knew for sure, right when I would’ve said fuck it and left Tiana for her, this connection I had with her definitely deeper than what I had with Tiana.
“Sorry,” she said, dropping her hand, looking like she thought she’d done something wrong.
“There’s no needa apologise,” I replied. “You have nuthin’ to be sorry for.”
“I touched you without permission.”
I wanted to tell her she had my permission, but instead shook my head. “It’s nuthin’, just a touch.” I reached out, touching her hair. “Like this.” I smiled at her. “You gonna grow it long again?”
She nodded, staring at me with those big eyes of hers. “Can I touch your hair, too?”
I nodded back, holding my breath for a moment as she reached out, running her fingers through the messy waves.
She smiled. “You have the most gorgeous hair.”
“No, you do.”
She smiled wider. Someone called out her name, capturing her attention. She retracted her hand and looked over at... Her mother was standing several feet away with a carry-on bag. Llewellyn’s sister was standing next to her along with a very tall male, who had his arm around Caitlin, watching us with curiosity.
Llewellyn turned back to me. “It’s time for me to go.”
“’Kay,” I said, wishing she didn’t have to.
She gave me a sad smile and went to leave, but stopped. “Can I kiss you on the cheek?” she asked, her own cheeks going bright pink.
“Um...” My mind went to Tiana, then it left almost instantly, knowing a kiss on the cheek wasn’t anything bad, the Croatian side of my family always doing it as a greeting and a goodbye. “Yeah,” I said, giving her a nod.
She reached up for my head, pulling it down, looking scared, but instead of letting her kiss my cheek first, I kissed hers, getting a gasp in return.
“Bye, Llewellyn,” I said, not pulling back straight away, wondering whether she was going to kiss me back.
“Bye, Ash,” she said, doing it, her lips brushing over my cheek.
I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to memorise it, then reopened them as she let go of my face and pulled away. I looked down at her and she looked up at me, and in that moment I knew it without a doubt.
I loved her.
She gave me another of her sad smiles, lifting her hand in farewell, then walked off. I watched her approach her family, her mother and sister both looking at me with sombre expressions, her sister even teary-eyed.
I turned and walked away, close to tears myself, knowing this was it. I’d never see Llewellyn again, the number in my pocket meaningless when she was moving to a country on the other side of the world. She would eventually forget me, moving on to someone else. Though, I wouldn’t forget her, Llewellyn unforgettable.
I took the escalator down one level, finding Dante at the bottom. He frowned at me. “Are you crying?”
I walked past him fast. “No.”
“Look, I didn’t mean nuthin’ by kissing that chick.”
“She’s not a chick. That wuz a bloke,” I said, reminding myself that Llewellyn wasn’t fully female, latching onto that so I didn’t turn around and go back up the escalator, making a fool of myself, because I was this close to begging her to stay.
“Like fuck she is,” Dante said, “she’s one hot biatch. I’d totally do her.”
I spun around and shoved the little prick. “Watch your mouth!”
Dante grinned back at me, the look he was giving me... He fucking knew I had a thing for Llewellyn, but didn’t say anything else, just walked past me with a self-satisfied smirk and that stupid strut of his. No, the li’l prick did say something, calling back, “She tasted of Cherry ChapStick.”
I clenched my hands and followed him out of the airport, for the first time jealous of my brother.
EPILOGUE
ASH
2010
Knocking interrupted my shower, the walls paper thin. “Someone get the door!” I hollered.
I stepped out of the shower and started towelling myself off. There was always someone coming over or ringing when I was in the middle of doing shit, whether it was showering or taking a dump, or out back, working in the lab that was hidden underneath the garage floor, making drugs. But that last part was in my past, my dealing days finally over.
“Are you a model?” Angelo asked, his loud voice coming from the lounge, my nine-year-old son always talking at top volume. It was like he had a loudspeaker in his lungs, the kid a foghorn at times. It reminded me of Dante at that age, which was a worry, my rogue of a brother not someone I wanted my kid to take after.
I didn’t hear the reply of whoever was speaking to my son, but then again, I wouldn’t because only Angelo’s voice could pierce walls. I just hoped that Tiana was out there with him, making sure he was safe, our neighbourhood not exactly the best.
“You look like one,” Angelo continued talking loudly. “My friend says models are pretty. I think they’re pretty too, but I like sports better. Girls suck anyway, like the ones at school. They’re always giggling and lookin’ at me. I told them to stop, cos they’re stupid and don’t know how to throw a ball properly. Do you know how to throw a ball properly?”
A female laugh answered, though I still didn’t hear her reply. I would be surprised if she could even get a word in edgewise with my kid, especially with him talking full bore once more, my boy gloating about how strong and tough I was. He had a habit of bragging about me, Angelo thinking I was the best father there was. It made me smile as I stepped into my jeans, glad I was the dad my own father couldn’t be for me.
“Who are you talkin’ to, Angelo?” I called out, zipping up my jeans.
“A model!” Angelo yelled back.
Next thing, the sound of running came my way, then the bathroom door was pulled open. My li’l boy grinned up at me. “You comin’ already?” he said, looking so much like a mini-me it wasn’t funny. He had the same messy black hair, the same dark eyes, his jawline, lips and nose all from me, only his skin tone different. He had a mix between my olive skin and Tiana’s caramel complexion, making it look like he had a permanent tan.
“How many times have I told you not to enter rooms without knocking?” I scolded him.
“If you didn’t want me in ’ere, you should’ve locked the door,” the cheeky little sod answered back.
I went to tell him off but he grabbed my hand, attempting to drag me along with him. I quickly snatched up my towel, giving my hair a wipe as he led me through the passageway door and into the lounge.
I stopped in my tracks as my eyes landed on the person standing in the doorway. A twenty-something woman stared back at me with big eyes. She was absolutely stunning, my son calling her a model now making sense, because she definitely looked like one. She had long orange hair with blonde highlights, and the most perfect face I’d ever seen, too perfect, almost surreal. And what she was wearing... It was so fucking hot it made my mouth drop open, her tight black leather pants encasing slim limbs and with a long flowing blouse over the top, the sun behind her making it a touch see-though, her bra noticeable underneath.
A big drop of water landed on my shoulder, breaking the spell she’d cast over me. The water ran down the tattoo on my left pec, the rest of the tribal tat extending to my elbow. I wiped the water off with the towel and gave my hair a quick rub as I walked up to her, wondering whether it was...
“Caitlin?” I asked.
I’d run into Llewellyn Davies’ sister at the supermarket about a year back, the chick remembering me well. Unlike the previous time I saw her, she’d been friendly, avoiding bringing up the suicide pact I’d had with Llewellyn. I’d asked how Llewellyn was, hoping she was doing well, and it sounded like she was. Caitlin had mentioned that Llewellyn was achieving a small amount of fame with a classical-cum-metal music career—an eclectic mix that fitted her down to a T. I’d also really wanted to ask if Llewellyn was with anyone, but hadn’t, since my girlfriend at the time had been by my side. Beth had smiled away at Llewellyn’s sister, not having a clue why I was asking about Llewellyn, especially since Caitlin was saying my brother this, my brother that continuously.
Though, Caitlin hadn’t looked quite this stunning back then, but I guessed she could’ve changed in the year since I’d last saw her. Maybe it was because she’d lost a bit of weight, the change doing her more than a little good. It made me wonder what Llewellyn looked like now, wishing it was her standing in front of me instead of her sister. But I knew that was a foolish wish, a dangerous one too. I’d finally gotten back with Tiana after more than a year apart, everything going smoothly for once. We were about to move to a much nicer suburb, my family doing surprisingly well. I didn’t need any trouble, and I knew if it was Llewellyn standing before me there would be nothing but trouble to come. Nonetheless, it still didn’t stop me from fantasising it was her, even though I knew Llewellyn wouldn’t come back to New Zealand, especially since she’d been gone for almost a decade. That thought instantly left my head at the woman’s reply.
“No, I’m Llewellyn,” she said.
I blinked at her, my mind not quite computing her words. She gave me a shy smile, that same smile she’d given me so many times in our youth. My mouth dropped open, shocked by how much she’d changed. Although she’d had female characteristics back when she was younger, she hadn’t looked anything like this. She’d been so innocent as a kid, sweet and angelic, not the sex kitten standing before me, who looked like she’d stepped out of every man’s wet dream.
“Christ, I wouldn’t have recognised you.” I tossed the towel aside and grabbed her, pulling her into a hug, still in shock it was actually Llewellyn.
She stiffened, but before I could pull away and apologise, realising I shouldn’t have done that, she wrapped her arms around me, hugging me back tight. The strong sense
of loss I’d felt over the years disappeared as we hugged.
“Mum, Mum, Mum... Dad’s hugging a model!” Angelo hollered.
The sound of my son’s voice shattered the moment, yanking me back to reality, a reality where I was with Tiana and not Llewellyn. I hid my guilt and discomfort with a laugh and pulled back, moving my hands to Llewellyn’s shoulders, treating her like a friend, not someone I used to love. Over the years, I’d questioned whether my feelings back then had been real. I’d wondered whether they’d been a combination of emotions that had been the result of us almost dying together, and the fact she was out of my reach, the grass is always greener saying taking form in the shape of a gorgeous redhead. But looking into those hazel-green eyes of hers I knew the feelings had been real. Knew I could fall for her all over again with a snap of her fingers if I wasn’t careful. But I couldn’t allow that to happen, because it would ruin everything I’d fought for with Tiana.
So, I put on a front, pretending that Llewellyn wasn’t affecting me, giving her what I hoped was a friendly smile. “God, you’ve changed,” I said, which she had, any slight hint of her being half male nowhere in sight. “Did’ja get that sex operation you wanted?”
Llewellyn shook her head. “No, I’ll only do it if I find the right man,” she replied, the way she was looking at me telling me I was that man.
I opened my mouth to ask why she’d chosen now to return, why at the one moment when everything was going fucking right in my life for the very first time. If she’d come back during my split with Tiana, things would’ve been different. I would’ve welcomed the chance of a relationship with her, but not now. I wanted to swear, to curse the fact I’d lost her number all those years ago. I’d sworn I’d put it in my phone, but it had disappeared. After the time Tiana had left me due to my drug dealing, I’d wanted to call Llewellyn, but since I didn’t know how to contact her I’d gotten together with another woman instead, a failed relationship that thankfully had ended right before Tiana walked back into my life.
But instead of saying why the fuck didn’t you come back sooner, stupidity left my mouth, some moronic comment about Llewellyn’s tits. I had no idea why I’d said it, she’d had tits when she was younger, plus the comment was inappropriate to say the least. It was more like something Dante would say, not me, but my mouth had tripped over itself before my brain realised what it had allowed to escape.
Crying Out Silent Page 29
