Stay Fit And Healthy Until You’re Dead
Page 7
Q. What preparations has the government made to insure that our top federal officials will be able to remain fit in the unfortunate event of a total thermonuclear war?
A. At the first sign of trouble, these officials will be whisked to a giant underground Strategic Fitness Facility guarded by vicious federal dogs. This facility will be staffed by a corps of female personnel who have been chosen for their knowledge of postnuclear aerobic routines as well as their overall body taughtness. Also there will, of course, be a sauna and several lead-lined racquetball courts, although, as one top government planner put it, “It won’t be a picnic in there. Towels will be at a premium.”
Office Fitness
Q. I am employed by a large corporation, and I work in an office where my primary responsibility is to discuss “General Hospital” with Helen and Louise. As you can imagine, this does not involve a great deal of physical activity, and I have, quite frankly, developed a rear end which could serve as a bulldozer-flotation device. So I was wondering if you can suggest any kind of fitness program that a person can do at her desk.
A. Certainly. Each morning, during a quiet period, quietly slip off your shoes, push your chair away from your desk, and engage in five minutes of gentle stretching, followed by five minutes each of toe touches, dressage, the luge, and the 400-meter butterfly. Of course, some of these activities may require minor changes in your office routine, to allow for such things as feeding the horse, but I’m sure your employer will have no objection once you threaten to file a gigantic class-action suit alleging you are being discriminated against on the basis of being pear-shaped.
Index
A
“All My Children,” 199
American Beet Farmer, 259
Arbor Day, 238
B
Bertha the Amazing Land Whale, 201-202
C
Carp, giant, 227
Clinic, Dr. Ted, 265
Communists, 188
F
Ford, Gerald, 193
Frequent Casual Motel Sex Diet, The, 246
G
Godzilla, 261
Gone With the Wind, 198
H
Hummocks, 226
J
Jacks, Cracker, 190
M
Manilow, Barry, 211
Mister Sphincter, 198
N
Nature, Mother, 196
Newton, Wayne, 241
O
Oyl, Olive, 214
P
Plenty, Good’n’, 240
R
Rabbits, diseased baby, 197
S
Social Democrats, 235
T
Trigger, 242
V
Viewfinder, Ernst, 246
W
Whack-a-Mole-Game-Machine Maintenance School, 258
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Document version: 1
Document creation date: 2004-10-20
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