by Jessica Wood
As I walked out of the restroom, all I could think about was what had just happened. Did I step out of line? Is there even a line to begin with? Or has Alexis changed?
***
We drove back home in complete silence. She stared out her window the entire time, refusing to look at me.
“Can we talk about this?” I demanded as I closed the door to her apartment behind me when we walked through the door.
She sighed and turned to me. “I’m tired, Damian. Really tired. I don’t want to get into this right now.”
“Well, I think we need to talk about this. I don’t know why the fuck you’re upset with me.”
“Fine.” She raised her hands up in frustration. “You’re right. I am upset with you.”
“But what for?” I looked at her in confusion.
“I’m upset that you don’t seem to take anything seriously. We’re having a fucking baby, Damian. This is permanent. This is not some girl you take home and don’t call the next day.”
I frowned at her comment. “I am taking this seriously! I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to and I’ve been here by your side this entire time! I drive you to chemo every week, I help you around your apartment, I even bring you your food regularly. All my free time lately has been around your needs. But what about my needs?”
“Damian, are you even ready to be a father? You know things are going to get harder before they get any better! Can you handle that without thinking with your head downstairs?”
“Alex, I’m not sure where this is coming from.” I was taken aback by her questions.
“Damian, you went out and, on an impulse, bought a vintage mustang.”
“So? That was before I knew that we were having a baby. That has nothing to do with whether or not I’m ready.”
“It doesn’t matter when you found out. What matters is that you still have it! Do you honestly think it’s even safe to drive a baby around in a two-door car?”
“That thought hadn’t crossed my mind yet.”
“Exactly, and that’s why I’m upset.”
“But I never said I was ready to be a father!” I cringed the second the words left my mouth.
“So you admit it, then?”
I forced myself to look up at her, to meet her eyes and show her that I was serious. She had taken control over so much of my life recently, but right now, I couldn’t let her control me.
“I never planned to be a father, just like you hadn’t planned on being a mother. I’m not prepared, Alex.”
“And you think I am? But I’m trying my best.”
“I’m trying my best too! But if you can’t see that, then I don’t know what else to say…”
She scoffed at me and shook her head in disagreement. “You weren’t even paying attention during our Lamaze class!”
“I was during the important portions when I helped you with the breathing and stretching exercises,” I said indignantly.
“And why do I have a feeling that’s only because it reminded you of sex?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “There are definitely some Kama Sutra techniques being taught in that class.”
“Argh! Damian, all you think about is sex and how you’re going to fuck me next!”
Her words felt like a blow to the stomach, and for a second, I was left in utter shock. But I recovered, and the frustration and anger quickly kicked in.
“What’s wrong with a guy wanting to fuck his girlfriend? Isn’t that what two people in love are suppose to do? We barely have sex anymore.”
“You don’t even get it, do you? I don’t want to have sex. I don’t feel sexy!”
“But, baby, you are so sexy. Why can’t you let me show you that? Why won’t you let me hold you anymore?”
“I need time, Damian. I’m not some thing you can just bang whenever you feel like it. I have feelings, I have needs, and I have times where I don’t want to have sex with you!”
“But we haven’t had sex for three weeks now!”
“Sometimes I wish you would stop badgering me for sex and go maul someone else!”
I flinched at her words, and from the look on her face, I knew she was equally surprised.
“You didn’t mean that, did you?” My voice was softer than before.
She shook her head and looked away from me.
A mixture of frustration and worry spun inside me. “I get it, Alex. I know things are hard for you, and I’ve been very patient. Do you know that I’ve jacked off by myself more times in the last two months than I’ve ever jacked off my entire life before meeting you? I’ve been more than just a little patient.”
“And there we go with the sex again, Damian! Why does it always have to be about sex?”
I glared at her. I’d never felt this rejection and anger before. The pent-up frustration that had been building up during the last few weeks overtook my mind and I couldn’t focus on a single rational thought.
“Alex, I’ve done everything you’ve wanted. But now it seems like you’re asking me to change everything single thing about me: my desire for sex, my daily activities, and even what type of car I should drive. What exactly do you want from me?”
She looked at me with pain in her eyes, causing my stomach to twist in anguish. “Nothing,” she said, sounding defeated.
“What do you mean, nothing?” The anger had left me, and what remained was a tired and defeated version of myself.
“It’s not what I want, Damian. It’s what you want.”
“I…I want things to be the way they were,” I blurted out.
“That’s not possible. I wish it were, but it’s not.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I let out a heavy sigh.
She was right. Nothing would ever be the way it once had been. I wished I could understand what she was going through, what she was feeling, what she felt about me. But since her operation, she had grown more distant. She flinched when I touched her now. She rarely wanted to have sex. And she rarely smiled.
“Just go then.” She turned her back on me and I felt a sharp pain twist inside my chest.
“Maybe we need some time apart?” I whispered. I hadn’t meant it, but the words had just come out.
There was a pause before she responded. “That’s a good idea,” she agreed flatly.
“I…” I wanted to say something that would somehow delete this entire conversation from our memory, but there was nothing to say.
Alexis didn’t want me to be a part of her life right now and she’d made that clear tonight. I knew Alexis was not only physically struggling because of the cancer, but she was emotionally struggling because of it. I’d tried to be there for her, to do all I could to make her feel better, but she had grown distant. She didn’t want to talk about it, so she had shut me out from her emotions.
Maybe it’s time to give her the distance she seems to want and need.
I walked to the front door and opened it. I turned to take one last look at her before walking out the door.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Alexis
“Maybe we need some time apart?”
His words shattered my heart, and I fought back the tears. He had said all I needed to know. Maybe he’s not strong enough to wait for me to get emotionally better?
As I heard him walk out the door, I felt as if a part of me were leaving with him—the happy version of me that I’d kept dormant for so long.
I stood there in silence as I felt a heaviness weigh down on my heart.
This is your own fault! a voice inside me screamed.
That was true. I knew it was me.
Since my operation, I had lashed out against Damian time after time in the worst way possible: I’d shut him out.
I had become cold and distant, and despite his repeated attempts to be there for me, I had always focused and harped on the things he was doing wrong. For the last two months, he had continued to try to to chip away at the thick walls I’d put up between us. But I was in a dark p
lace, and instead of allowing him to pull me out of it, the bitterness that festered inside wanted to drag him down with me. This type of lashing out wasn’t something he—or anyone for that matter—would be able to withstand forever.
And tonight, it seemed as if he had finally reached his breaking point. I’d seen the hurt and rejection in his eyes when I screamed at him, when I voiced out the one thing I knew he was most nervous about: whether he was prepared to be a father. At that moment, I hadn’t cared about his feelings. I’d wanted to hurt him. I’d wanted to make him angry. I’d wanted him to scream at me and maybe even snap at me. Because maybe then, when the pain inside me was too unbearable to hold in, I’d finally break down in front of him and he’d finally be able to pick up the pieces and pull me out of the darkness.
But instead of screaming at me or hitting me, Damian had done something far worse. He had walked out on me and our baby.
***
Grey, heavy clouds covered the sky, and the wind blew the rain in through the open bay window next to my bed, where I had been lying wide awake since 5:30 a.m. The wet, cold air felt good against my skin, waking me from the numbing sadness I felt inside.
It’d been three days since Damian and I had our fight, and I hadn’t spoken to him since. He hadn’t stopped in to check on me and he hadn’t texted or called me. I wanted to call him, to see how he was doing and to hear his voice again. But I hadn’t; my pride and bitterness kept me from reaching out, from apologizing to him.
At 7:00 a.m., my radio alarm came on. The familiar melancholy song Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell filled the room. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the lyrics hit home.
“I really don’t know love at all either, Joni,” I sobbed out.
I thought about the last few months and everything Damian and I had gone through. I couldn’t believe how it had all ended so easily over a heated argument.
Is it really over? That thought was the one thing I couldn’t get out of my mind. If it is over, can I get through this by myself?
For the sake of my baby, I tried to convince myself of one thing: I couldn’t depend on anyone in my life, not even Damian. I had to be able to take care of everything myself. I wasn’t sure I could deal with any more disappointment. I couldn’t wait for Damian to come around, and I couldn’t let myself fall deeper down into the darkness. I had to keep fighting for Isabella.
Just then my phone rang.
Damian?
I quickly reached for it on my bedside table. My body slumped in disappointment when I saw that it wasn’t him. It was Deb, my best friend.
“Hi, Deb.” My voice was dry, and I realized how thirsty I was. You need to take better care of your baby, I screamed at my absentmindedness.
“Hey, sweetie. How are you? I just got off my flight.”
“I’m fine. How was London?”
“It was awful. I was basically locked up in a conference room with a dozen other junior associates going through twenty years’ worth of emails for this client. If I didn’t have jet lag, I wouldn’t believe you if you told me I went to London. This is the part of being a lawyer that I hate.”
“That sounds terrible, Deb.”
“Enough about me. How are you? Any updates since we talked briefly the other day?”
I fought back a wave of tears and cleared my throat. “No.”
“What?” Deb shrieked incredulously. “He hasn’t called?”
Her question was a sharp knife to my heart.
“No, he hasn’t.” I tried to keep my voice even.
“What the fuck is wrong with him? He sounds like a total ass, Alexis. Maybe it’s a good thing that things ended sooner than later.”
Maybe Deb’s right. It’s better now than later. I can at least shield Izzy from the pain of an unreliable father.
“Alexis? You still there?”
“Yeah…”
There was a silence on the other end, and I could tell she wanted to ask me something.
“Do you want it to end, Alexis?”
Her question caught me by surprise. Up until now, I hadn’t thought about the situation from the angle of what I wanted. To me, it was more a question of whether or not it had indeed ended, and what I wanted had no room in that equation.
“No, not at all,” I admitted as hot tears welled up in my eyes.
“Then why don’t you talk some sense into him?”
“But he hasn’t called or stopped by since our fight.”
“Have you tried to call him?”
“No, but I want him to make the first move.”
“Why?”
I thought about it for a moment. “Because I want to know he’s ready to commit to me and the baby.” I quickly rubbed the tears from my eyes, refusing to let them fall down my cheeks. “Child or no child, I can’t force him to do something that he doesn’t want to do or isn’t even capable of doing. He’s been a bachelor through and through, and he’s made it clear from what he wants from me all the time that he’s not ready to settle down…”
“Honey, what are you most worried about here?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, before the fight happened, you told me that Damian had been doing a lot for you and that he was really changing. And the day after you guys had the fight, you told me that it was you who started the fight. I know it would be great if he would get his head out of the sand and come bang your door down with apologies. But the reality is, he’s not doing that right now. So if you really believe in this relationship and you really think that the fight was over something that can be fixed, then call him. What are you worried so much about that’s stopping you from being the one to reach out first?”
“Deb, I’m worried that he doesn’t want to be a father because he’s not ready for it.”
“But are you ready for it?”
“No. I’m freaking out,” I admitted.
“But do you want to be a mother despite that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then maybe Damian’s feeling the same way.”
“Yeah maybe.” I knew Deb was right, but there was still a part of me that was resistant and I wasn’t sure why.
“The important thing is you need to talk to him about these things. And not when you’re in the middle of a fight.”
“But, Deb, Damian is so scared of commitment. I’m worried he’ll run away when things get hard. Having a baby is a permanent thing, and I don’t want him to hurt us.”
“He’s the father of your child, Alexis. That’s permanent. You need to have some faith if you love this man.”
“Maybe you’re right.” I sighed. “I do need to talk to him.”
“Yes, and sooner than later. Hey, sweetie, I just got into the office now. I need to get back to work. Are you going to be okay?”
I could hear the doubt in her tentative voice.
“Yeah, I’ll be okay.”
“You sure? I can try to cancel my morning calls and we can talk a bit longer.”
I smiled at how much she was concerned over me. “I love you, Deb. Thanks, but I’m feeling a little better.”
“Good. I’m happy to hear that. Before I let you go, I want to remind you that you’re just too good of a person to not deserve happiness. You’re a fighter, and I know you want happiness more than anything in the world. So go and fight for that happiness, because I think it’s just around the corner for you. I can feel it. But right now, you just have to get to that corner.”
“Thanks, Deb.”
After we said our goodbyes, I hung up the phone feeling a bit more confident about what I wanted to do. Deb was right. I was a fighter, and I wanted to fight for my happiness. If not for me, then for my baby. I wanted her to grow up with a loving mother who was happy, just like my mother had been to me.
As I reflected on the last few months, I knew with absolute certainty that I loved Damian. He might not have been perfect, but he was trying. And to me, that was worth something.
Just as I was about to pick up
the phone to call him, there was a knock at the door.
Damian!
A mixture of happiness and anxiousness came over me as I pushed myself off the bed and slowly walked to the door. Maybe everything will be okay. It was such a silly fight.
I opened the door and gasped. It wasn’t Damian.
It was Chris.
“Hi. What—why are you here?” I stumbled over my words as I stared at him in confusion.
He was standing at my doorway with a bouquet of red roses. He smiled at me and leaned in for a hug.
“Hi, Alexis.” He looked me up and down when he pulled out of his hug. “You look good pregnant. These are for you.” He handed me the roses, and I could tell he was nervous about something.
I took the roses from him. Over the four years we had dated, he always got me red roses. I never once had the heart to tell him that I hated red roses. To me, they were as generic and unoriginal as white socks.
“Are you here on another business trip?”
“No, I…”
“You’re not? So what are you doing here in town?”
“I came because of you.”
I stared him wide-eyed, wondering if I’d heard him correctly. “For me?”
“Can I come in? I’d like to talk.”
“Um, yeah. Sure. Of course.” I let him in before closing the door. When we sat down on the couch, I turned to him. “What is this about?”
I watched him take in a deep breath. “Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it.” He looked at me and I saw the anxiety in his eyes.
“Say what?”
“I miss you, Alexis.” He placed his hand on top of mine.
I stood there motionless, unable to process his statement.
“Alexis, I know you and Damian had a fight a few days ago.”
I opened my mouth, about to ask him how he knew.
“Deb told me.”
“Why would Deb tell you?” I finally broke through my silence.
“She had sent me an email two days ago, asking me to give you a call and check in on you. She said that she was abroad for work and wasn’t able to talk to you in private, so she was concerned for you.”
“Oh.” I gave Chris a small smile. “Well, thanks for coming to check on me. I can’t believe you flew all the way out here for that. But really, I’m okay now.”
