Relative Happiness

by Lesley Crewe

  “Da. You have to retire.”

  His father shoved his mug onto the side table. “Who says so? You?”

  “Yeah, me.” Joss took a deep breath. This wouldn’t be easy. “Da, lobster fishing is for men my age. You’ve had your run. It’s time to let go.”

  “Christ Almighty,” Danny yelled. “You want me to give up my licence? I’d rather be put down.”

  “I don’t want you to sell it to a stranger. I want you to sell it to me.”

  His father looked at him. “You live half way around the world. I thought you wanted to get away from here. You made that pretty damn clear when you left.”

  Joss tried to be patient. “Da, I was twenty then, of course I wanted to leave. That was ten years ago but I’m a grown man now and I want to come home. I’d like to buy you out and take over the boat. You know I’m good at it.”

  His father didn’t say anything. He grabbed his tea again and took a mouthful. Joss waited.

  “Well, I don’t know.”

  “I won’t put you out to pasture. I expect you to come and work for me. I’ll need a hand. Someone has to drive the boat.”

  His father looked out the window that faced him, the one that looked out over the harbour. “I expect a good price.”

  “Of course, Da.”

  He cleared his throat. “Well, son. I guess we have a deal.” He held out his hand and Joss shook it. His father hung on to it, tight. That’s how his mom found them.

  Lexie knew there was unfinished business but she didn’t want to deal with it. She opened her heart again, just a little and it slammed shut before she had a chance to let it out.

  Lexie finally understood Adrian’s pain. It explained a lot. But she knew all she wanted to know.

  He didn’t call the next day or the next. She wasn’t sorry. She had to deal with her own heartache. She had to steel herself, not get involved with someone else’s sorrow. She didn’t want to walk around like an open wound anymore.

  When Lexie got home from work on Monday, there were six messages, all from him. She didn’t call him back.

  On Tuesday, she was at work, when Marlene hurried over.

  “There’s this guy out at the desk who wants to know if you’re here. Looks like a dish,” she winked and cracked.

  “Tell him I’m not.”

  “Frig off! A guy like that comes calling and you brush him off? You need someone to adjust your antennas.”

  “Marlene, it’s none of your business. Please tell him I’m not here. Please.”

  “Well, you’re a brick short of a load, if you ask me,” she said as she walked away.

  When the day was over, Lexie said, “Goodnight girls,” and pulled her car keys out of her purse. She pushed the library door open with her hip, the usual load of books and papers with her. And there was Adrian, waiting by Betsy.

  Her heart did that usual cartwheel when she laid eyes on him, but her brain told her to keep him at a distance. She was tired of being upset. She needed normal. She just wanted to find some schmo who worked nine to five, had a beer on the weekend and watched the hockey game, end of story. Maybe Ernie had a brother.

  “Lex, don’t run away from me.”

  “I won’t run. I’ll drive.”

  “I haven’t finished what I wanted to tell you.”

  “You mean there’s more horror in store for me? I can’t bloody wait to hear it.”

  She opened the car door and threw her stuff in the back. Adrian put his hand on her coat sleeve.

  “Don’t touch me, Adrian.”

  He let go.

  “I don’t intend to have a scene here in the parking lot. Not with Judy and Marlene in the window behind me.”

  He looked over her shoulder. “You’re right.”

  “I know I’m right. As a matter of fact, forget this. Get in the damn car.”

  She got behind the wheel and roared the engine to life. Before Adrian had his door closed she took off. She had no idea what she’d do, but it felt good to be in charge. She tore up the street and dared other cars to hit her. She squealed her tires and hit the brakes as hard as she could at every stop sign. Adrian knew better than to say a word.

  Lexie drove home. She hadn’t intended to take him there but it was too cold to stand around outside and have an argument. She took her keys and jumped out. She ran to the front door, had it open in a second and stormed inside. She threw off her coat. She didn’t know if he was behind her or not. She ran upstairs, tore into her room and lifted the trunk at the end of her bed. She grabbed Adrian’s finished sweater.

  She ran back down the stairs. He stood in the porch. She threw the sweater at him.

  “Take this and get out of my life.”

  Lexie turned on her heel and went into the living room. Sophie sat at attention, aware that something was wrong. Lexie turned towards the fire and stared at it while she waited to hear a door slam.

  Nothing.

  She turned around and he was there.

  She pointed at the door. “Didn’t you hear me? I want you to leave me alone. I want you to go away and never come back.”

  He held up his hands. “Wait. Just wait.”

  “Wait for what? For you to tell me another horrible story of man’s inhumanity to man. Why did I need to know that story, Adrian? Couldn’t you just go to a therapist and spill your guts? Instead you come here and spill them all over me and my stupid rugs.”

  What the hell was she saying? She walked back and forth. She didn’t know what to do.

  He pleaded with her. “I came back to explain. I wanted you to know why I couldn’t seem to focus. I tried to fit in but it was an act. I was dead inside.”

  She watched her feet as she moved around the room. “You want me to know something that happened a long time ago. Something that has nothing to do with me. Why? You only lived with me for two months because I felt sorry for you. You didn’t have to come back here and reveal this sensational reason as to why you walked along the shore constantly. I was quite happy with the assumption you were crazy.”

  She looked up at him. “Why are you here, for God’s sake? You wanted to tell me what? That you loved someone else and she died a horrible death?”

  She threw her hands in the air. “Fine. I’m glad you got it off your chest. Good old Lexie is a shoulder to cry on. She has no feelings of her own to worry about. You can vomit your grief all over the room, because I’m a big girl and I can take it.”

  Adrian looked very upset. She didn’t care.

  “But guess what? I’m not that pushover you left behind. I’m not the girl who squealed with fright at the sight of you and Gabby. What a pathetic moron I was. What a loser, to hope that you liked me…to think that maybe you felt something for me. To pine away because of your disloyalty.”

  She walked closer to him. “I’m not that big girl you walked out on. She doesn’t live here anymore.”

  She left the room and went into the kitchen. She needed a drink of water. Her throat was parched from shouting. She sat at the table.

  Adrian followed her with his sweater in his hand. “I did not come here to vomit my story and leave. To tell you about another woman. That’s only part of the picture.”

  “Can you not understand? I’m no longer interested in what you have to say. It doesn’t matter. You don’t figure in my life any more.”

  He looked at her. “Please Lex, I came back to explain that day in the subway. I couldn’t believe it was you. I couldn’t believe my eyes and then just as suddenly you were gone. I thought you were a dream.”

  He held the sweater in a tight grip. “I saw you push that stroller. I saw the baby and I couldn’t think. I wasn’t sure what to do. The only explanation I came up with was that you were married. I knew I had no right to interfere with your life, to mess anything up for you, so I didn’t call out.” He sat down on the kitchen chair beside her. “I wanted to shout across that track that I missed you. That I loved you all along.”

  Her mind went blank for a min
ute.

  “You loved me all along? If you loved me all along Adrian, you wouldn’t have been with my sister in front of the fireplace. That was loving all right, but it wasn’t me.”

  She ticked off another reason with her finger. “Or, you would’ve come back as soon as you left her, to beg my forgiveness. All this time without so much as a phone call or a letter. And I’m supposed to swallow that you love me? You must think I’m a fool.” She turned away from him.

  “That’s the other part of the story, Lexie.”

  She stared out the window. She saw a crow on the power line, hunched against the freezing wind. She knew how it felt. “I don’t want to know. I couldn’t care less.”

  “You do care,” he yelled at her. “You do want to know. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so angry. If I meant nothing to you, you wouldn’t be so furious with me.”

  “You think you know everything. Don’t you dare presume to know my feelings.”

  He threw the sweater on the back of the chair next to him, put his elbows on the table and leaned towards her. “I loved you for being there when I needed somewhere to hide, someone to take care of me. I wandered for so long. I was tired. I had to stop moving.”

  He shook his head. “But I was frozen. I was afraid to love anyone. I caused a woman’s death, because I dared to love her. It was my fault she died. My friend tried to tell me that, but I didn’t listen. How arrogant and pompous to presume I knew everything. I killed her.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “It’s not ridiculous, Lexie. I took her out of the confines of that camp. I called attention to her. Maybe the people who killed her family were looking for her. They wouldn’t have found her if I hadn’t made her such a walking target. All because I couldn’t keep my hands to myself.”

  “Adrian, you don’t know that. You don’t know who killed her.”

  “Well, whether it was deliberate or just a random act, it doesn’t matter, does it? Dead is dead. And if it wasn’t for me she’d still be here—with Binti.”

  Lexie pictured the little girl at the Metro station.

  Adrian closed his eyes. “What madness had she been brave enough to escape from? To save her child’s life…only to have me throw it away when she was finally safe.”

  Lexie didn’t know what to say.

  He opened his eyes and straightened his back. “And then guess what I did? Just guess?

  She shook her head.

  “I ran. A selfish coward who thought only of his own pain. I ran until I met you. By the time I did, I was numb with shame.”

  She said nothing.

  “I left a little baby girl all alone.”

  There was nothing to say to that, so they sat for a long moment.

  “I loved you Lexie, but I didn’t know how to bridge the wall I created around me. You were the same way.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You had your own wall.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Yes, you did.” He shook his head. “You always put yourself down and kept people at arm’s length. I didn’t have the energy to know what to do about that. I was in a dark place.”

  “Not so dark that you didn’t see Gabby.” Let him explain that.

  “Gabby was a moment in time. You’re forever.”

  Lexie stayed quiet.

  “I had to do the right thing. I couldn’t live with myself anymore. I had to go back for Binti.”

  “Adrian, you’ve been gone a long time. You could have called me at some point.”

  “Think about it. The last time I saw your face it was stricken. I begged you to let me talk and you ran out. I didn’t know how to say I was sorry.”

  “You say, ‘I’m sorry.’”

  “I am sorry. I only thought of myself and the baby. I left her there, with no family, with no one who cared about her. I had to go back, Lex.”

  “So what happened?”

  He heaved a big sigh. “It took me a very long time. When I went back to the camp, she wasn’t there. I went through all the paper work I could find. Some of the refugees were sent to another camp. After that they were separated again. Some were able to go back to their homes while others stayed. I travelled everywhere, through a whole network of camps, before I realized I should search the orphanages too. That took months. I was almost ready to give up, when I found her.”

  He smiled at her sadly. “She was all by herself in a crib. I’d know her anywhere. I picked her up and she never opened her mouth. She held onto my shirt and wouldn’t let me go.”

  “Oh God, Adrian. How awful.”

  “I finally got her home to Montreal. But it’s been a struggle. She was so traumatized, she’d scream if I left her. She’s very small and suffers from health problems. Mother and I were worried she might have developmental problems as well, but she seems to be improving.”

  They looked at each other.

  “Now I feel terrible.”

  “Don’t be silly,” Adrian said.

  Her anger disappeared. She rubbed her temples because her head throbbed. “I must be the most self-absorbed person in the universe, to never imagine that someone else might have their own battles to fight. I’m sorry.”

  “I want you to forgive me. I should have tried to get in touch with you. That was selfish of me.”

  “Fine.” She was worn out. She leaned her head against her hand. “Look, I have to go and get my son. My mother will wonder where I am.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Joshua.”

  “Are you still with his father?”

  “No.”

  He looked at her intently. “Then I have a chance?”

  She looked right in his eyes, reached over and took his hand. “I’ll be the strong one now. You don’t love me Adrian. You only think you love me. You were lost and I gave you refuge. That’s all. We don’t really know each other. It’s too complicated. We both have so many challenges ahead of us. I have my son, you have your daughter. We live in different worlds. It wouldn’t work.”

  She gave his hand a pat, and then let it go. He looked forlorn.

  “Take that sweater. I did make it with a lot of love. I hope it keeps you warm. I’ll always remember you. And for what it’s worth Adrian, you are a good man. You didn’t cause that girl’s death. You saved her. You saved her child, and so you saved her. That’s all a mother would want, for her child to live and be safe.”

  He put his head down on his arms for a moment. Then he looked at her with his big blue eyes.

  “Lexie. I love you. I don’t think I love you. I know I do. I’ve hurt you badly and I don’t blame you for being careful. Please believe me. I need you to believe me.”

  She needed to be in control. “I’m sorry. This is for your own good. You need to make a future, not dwell in the past. That’s what I need to do, too.”

  She tried to explain. “I’ve struggled but I feel stronger now. I want to make it on my own. Do you see? I’ll always love you as a friend Adrian, and I’m glad you came back to explain what I couldn’t understand. My father was right. It was about you, and not about me. That makes me so relieved. I thought you left because I meant nothing. But I know that’s not true, because I am something, and someone. I’m Lexie Ivy and I’m Joshua’s mommy. That’s enough for me.”

  She got up and went to get her coat. She didn’t leave him any choice. She opened the front door and stood beside it. When Adrian walked by her with his head down, Lexie locked the door behind him and together they went down the steps and over to Betsy.

  “Would you like a lift somewhere?”

  He looked at her. “No, thank you. I think I’ll walk.”

  She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t risk it. She reached up and kissed his cheek.

  “Goodbye Adrian.”

  He nodded and walked away. She started the van and drove down the street in the other direction, but she watched him in the rear view mirror. Finally, she tore her eyes away.

  When Lexie crawled int
o bed that night, she stared at the ceiling. She rubbed the sheet on the empty side of her bed. Why had she sent him away? He was someone she had cared for from the first moment she laid eyes on him. He told her he loved her.

  Every man she ever loved left her. It was too hard. She didn’t want to chance the pain of rejection again. She had a son to consider. She couldn’t bring herself to imagine that it would work. So she refused to imagine at all. Adrian was a dream. Life was real.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Lexie needed a distraction. She arrived at Beth’s to find Michaela on a stool, Beth with a pair of scissors in her hand. The girls were very excited. Lexie was horrified.

  “Do you want me to do Joshua’s when I’m finished?”

  Not on your life. “That’s okay, Beth. I like his hair long.” She looked at Josh who sat on her lap. He turned around and grinned at her. He was his father through and through.

  “You’ll have to cut it at some point,” Beth pointed out. “He’s so gorgeous, he’d look like a girl, if he didn’t have the body of a weight lifter.”

  “Did you hear your silly Auntie Beth?” Lexie bounced him on her knee. “Golly, Josh’s getting so heavy, I worry about Mom being able to carry him around.”

  “I think he’s the combined weight of all the girls,” Beth laughed. “Okay Michaela, are you ready?”

  “Don’t cut a lot Mommy.”

  “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll just trim it.”

  And she did. She barely took anything off, she was so cautious. Michaela was content. The other three girls couldn’t wait their turn.

  By the time she got to the baby, Beth was in her glory. She had it down pat. Lexie didn’t dare open her mouth, because she knew Beth would bite her head off if she dared to criticize her. But it was difficult not to look amazed.

  Brittany’s hair was shorter than Michaela’s. Halley’s was shorter that Brittany’s and poor little Madison looked like a Benedictine monk.

  When Madison got off the stool and walked away, Beth looked a bit worried. “Do you think I cut it a little short?”

  Lexie was no fool. “It’s fine.”

  She heard Mom come in the door, followed by a terrible screech. “Beth, come here quick, the girls must have got hold of the scissors!”