The Voyage: A Historical Novel set during the Holocaust, inspired by real events

by Roberta Kagan

  Then, because of the intense pain and the extreme loss of blood, Anna lost consciousness.

  Anna awoke to bright overhead lights that stung her eyes. Her head felt as if a band of drummers pounded inside of her brain. Could she be dreaming? It looked like the hospital but her mind was fuzzy. What had happened? How had she come to be here? A nurse gently held her hand as she told Anna that she’d lost a lot of blood, and that she had miscarried. Anna turned away, her saliva tasted bitter in her mouth as her memory returned.

  “And Benny? The union man who was attacked in the alley? Did, you hear about it? Was he brought here? Did he make it?” She hoped against all odds that somehow some way…

  “I’m sorry. He didn’t. Did you know him?”

  Anna nodded and turned her face to the wall. The baby…gone… Well, she’d caused that…killed it in a fit of madness... Benny…her rock, her oak tree…her friend and her lover…gone... Alex…dear sweet Alex, where was he? He might be dead; could he be swept from her life too? An ocean of tears would not be enough to express the sadness and grief she felt. But she could not cry; her heart ached too much to weep. Now Anna was truly alone, and even if she wanted to, she could not return to Germany to her family. She didn’t want to speculate what the Nazis might have done to her parents. It had been a long time since she’d heard from them. Anna had seen too much pain in her young life, and now everything had fallen apart, everything had failed. Maybe God was angry with her for betraying Alex, and so he’d punished her by taking Benny. And maybe her suicide attempt had failed because God wanted her to live so that she would suffer for what she had done. Well I deserve to suffer. I had an affair while my husband fought and perhaps died on foreign soil, and I killed my unborn child. I don’t deserve any sympathy. I deserve to spend the rest of my life in agony.

  “Anna...” Wera stood in the hallway and peeked her head around the corner into the room. “Are you all right? My God you gave me a scare. I went over to your apartment to borrow some milk and it’s a damn good thing I did. I found you. What were you thinking Anna?”

  “You found me? You’re the one who called the hospital.”

  “Yes, I thought that you and Benny had gone out somewhere, so when I knocked and you didn’t answer, I used my key.”

  “Oh, Wera, Benny is dead, and Alex is missing in action.”

  “Anna!” Wera took Anna’s hand and sat down on the edge of the bed.” I’m here Anna.”

  “I think I’ve lost my mind. Wwhen I heard about Alex and then Benny… Oh God, Wera, Benny! I wanted to die. I wanted to kill my baby. What was I thinking? Now the baby’s dead. I’ve murdered my child…and I’m so weak from the loss of blood.” Anna was as pale as the white hospital walls; her body shook violently.

  “Are you cold? You look like you have the chills.”

  “Yes, very cold,” Anna answered, her teeth chattering.

  “I’m going to get you another blanket. I’ll be right back.”

  Wera went to the nurse’s station and got another blanket, which she spread over Anna.

  “It’s going to be all right, Anna. “Wera squeezed her hand. “We will get through this together. I’ll help you.”

  “Wera, I’m so glad you came. I need you so much right now. I committed the most unspeakable crime against my own helpless baby.”

  “I think maybe you were in shock… and that’s why you did this.”

  “What am I going to do, Wera? How am I ever going to go on living? I ran away from Germany, from Hitler, from the Nazis. I left my parents, and God only knows where they are now. But you know what? Hitler is here. He is still with me. The hatred he brought out in people has stayed with me, and with Alex, and with every Jew who tried to escape him. Because, you see, no matter what we do, our lives will never be the same. It will never be for us the way it would have been if we hadn’t been forced out of our homes. The guilt I feel for my parents? Alex has the same guilt. And now, I’m so guilty about the baby. I wish I had died.”

  “You shouldn’t say that. God’s greatest gift is life.”

  “God is punishing me for my affair with Benny. That’s why Benny is dead. Or maybe God has an anti-Semitic streak too. Why did he let this happen with the Nazis? Why, Wera, why are so many Jews forced to suffer? Tell me, Wera, tell me. I want to know…” She shook even more violently than before. The veins on her neck stood out like purple ropes.

  “I don’t know, Anna. I wish I had all the answers but I don’t. But I refuse to believe that God is mean or vengeful. I think that God allows us to do what we want to do. Then, sometimes, bad things happen. But I know, no matter what, I know God loves you. We have never talked about Jesus, because you are Jewish, but Jesus loves you, Anna. No matter what you did, he loves you. And he forgives you.”

  “I killed the baby. How can I ever forgive myself for that? I couldn’t bear to bring a child into this horrible world without a father. I was afraid, afraid of so many things, that I wouldn’t be able to support the baby on my own.”

  “Well, you’re right; it would not have been easy, and you probably would have lost your job when they found out that you had a child out of wedlock.”

  “But most of all, Wera, I couldn’t have Benny’s baby because I didn’t know how I would face Alex with a child by another man. I am weak and I am selfish. ”

  “What’s done is done. You acted in a state of madness.”

  “I am so alone. And I deserve to be alone. I deserve to suffer. Why didn’t I just die? It would have been easier.”

  “You know what I think? I think you should move in with me, at least until we know more about Alex.”

  “Do you think he is dead?” Anna asked, and bit her lower lip hard, until she tasted blood.

  “I don’t know, but we will be together and wait for news. For now you must not lose hope.”

  Suddenly Anna’s shoulders dropped and her body stopped trembling. Her head hung and she seemed to collapse. Then she began to weep. She wept in long, heart-wrenching sobs. It helped to cry, to let the pain out instead of burying it so deep that it ate her from the inside out, like a cancer.

  Wera put her arm around Anna and held her. Anna buried her head in the comfort of Wera’s ample breast.

  “Do you still love Alex?” Wera asked, her voice soft.

  “I’ve always loved Alex. I am not sure how it is possible, but I loved Benny too. I just can’t believe he is dead. And I will never forgive myself for the baby. Look what I’ve done.”

  “I know... I know. Shhh… It will be all right.” Wera patted Anna’s back and held her like a child.

  Chapter 93

  Anna missed Benny’s funeral because the doctor refused to release her from the hospital. But as soon as she was released, she went back to work. She preferred to be busy rather than sitting at home with her memories. However, everything around her reminded her of Benny: the counter at Gimbels where he would drop by to say hello, or have flowers delivered, the break room where he came meet with employees after the union had been established. Bette took great care not to mention Benny, knowing how much it would hurt Anna. Alice and Anna had not spoken since the Christmas party, but when Anna saw Alice one day in the break room, Alice looked as heartbroken as Anna felt.

  Wera convinced Anna to move in with her.

  “It’s better you shouldn’t live all alone. We’ll wait together for mail from our husbands. And why should we pay rent for two places when we can pay for just one?”

  Anna nodded. “Yes, all right.” It would be better not to spend the evenings sitting on the same sofa she’d sat on with Benny, or sleeping in the same bed where they had once made love.

  Together, Wera and Anna moved Anna’s personal items into Wera’s apartment. Anna did not have a private room, although Wera offered her the bedroom. Anna insisted on sleeping on the sofa in the living room. Still, Wera made an effort to give Anna plenty of privacy. And the two women got along well. For Anna, it came as a relief not to open the door after work to a da
rk and empty apartment.

  Still, a day never passed that Anna didn’t cry when something brought back a memory of Benny. And a day never went by that she didn’t think of Alex, worry about him, and wonder if he was safe, alive. She fought thoughts of the baby that crept into her mind, but they returned at night in dreams. Silver-gray hair began to take over Anna’s luxurious dark color, and although she still dressed well, and had an innate sense of style, she began to look weathered, tired, and worn.

  Before Anna had left the hospital, the doctor had come into her room, and as gently as he could he told her that she would never have a child. In fact, after what happened, he said that she was lucky to be alive. She felt that she got what she deserved. After what she did, she didn’t deserve to be a mother. Often, when she was alone, those words came back to her, and a bitter frown came over her face. ”Lucky? The last thing I am is lucky,” she thought.

  Wera tried to ease Anna’s guilt and pain, but Anna seemed to be adamant on self-punishment. Her self-hatred continued to grow and Wera worried about her constantly. After what Anna had done, Wera did not trust her not to take her own life.

  As she rode home on the subway one Monday afternoon, Anna made a decision. It had become too difficult to continue working at Gimbels. The time had come to leave and find another position. She watched the buildings fly by outside the window as she considered applying for a job in the diamond district. She spoke fluent Yiddish, so she could get along well there. But, Anna had changed; her inner strength and excitement for life had left her. Most of the time she came home from work just longing to be left alone, to go to sleep. But Wera forced her to eat. She’d push the food around to please her friend, then lie down and close her eyes and try to fight off all of the terrible thoughts that eventually came anyway.

  The tenement where Anna and Wera lived stood over two small retail stores. On one side a shoemaker, and the other a used-clothing store. Because of the rationing of shoes, the shoemaker had gotten very busy. Anna thought he might need help. It would be a lot easier to walk downstairs and go to work instead of taking the subway all the way into town. Where she had once thrived on the excitement of the big department stores, she now found them overwhelming.

  Anna smoothed her hair down with her hands and walked inside.

  “May I help you?” The shoemaker sat on a bench covered with old leather shoes, both men’s and women’s, and an array of tools, his two sons working beside him.

  “I was wondering if you needed any help.”

  “No, I’m sorry, miss. I have my two boys to help me here. Try next door. The woman next door is all alone; maybe she’ll need help.”

  “Thank you,” Anna said.

  Anna went into the clothing store. It had a musty smell, like an old closet. A woman with short, curly red hair and a thick waist came up to the front.

  “Hello, miss. Please have a look around.”

  “I was wondering if you need any help,” Anna asked. She glanced around quickly; the shop was a mess, clothing on chairs, tossed about on the counters. Nothing looked clean.

  “You mean like a worker to help me here in the store?”

  “Yes, I need a job,”Anna said.

  The woman looked Anna up and down.

  “Hmm… You sure do look nice. You make a nice impression. I can’t pay much, but if you want a job. I can hire you.”

  “Yes, I want a job very badly.”

  “You can start tomorrow?”

  “Yes...”

  Chapter 94

  Alex crouched under a bridge, listening to the heavy footsteps as a troop of enemy soldiers marched over his head. He had no idea how he’d gotten separated from his platoon. When they’d landed on Omaha Beach, he’d started running, and he hadn’t stopped until the gunfire was far in the distance. In fact, he’d run until he got a stitch in his side so painful that it forced him to stop. Now he wandered somewhere in France, alone, searching for any Allies. For years Alex had battled depression, and considered suicide, but when death looked him in the eyes, his survival instinct had kicked in and he found that he had a stronger will to live than he’d ever imagined.

  Before the ship had landed at Normandy, he’d heard a rumor that a shipment of nurses would follow. He wondered if Nelly had been among them. The thought of her coming through Omaha Beach sent shivers up his spine. It had been by far the most terrifying experience of his life, and he would never forget it.

  He tried to find a good hiding place where he could sleep during the day, then wait and begin moving again after sundown, when he was sure that the Germans had passed. He lay on a rock under the bridge and closed his eyes, but he couldn’t sleep. So he got up and began to move again.

  Anna… If only he could get a letter to Anna to let her know he was alive and unharmed. If he ever found his way to safety, he would send her a letter as soon as he could. Alex looked up at the sky and wondered if Anna were looking at the stars too. If the army had told her that he’d gone missing she would be worried sick, and there was nothing he could do to protect her. All he could do was go forward and hope that somehow he would someday find his way home.

  Chapter 95

  Gnawing hunger and terrible thirst drove Alex to enter a small village in the darkest hour of the night, where he took the risk of being captured. He needed food and water to survive. Hiding in the shadows, he navigated the narrow cobblestone streets. Nazi flags hung from the buildings, moving softly in the breeze alongside pictures of Hitler. From where he stood, he could see a general store with a plate glass window and cans of food on the shelves. The streets were deserted. Alex picked up a rock and threw it at the window, but the window only cracked. He tried again, but still could not shatter the glass. He walked away, dejected.

  Alex left the village and began walking through the countryside. When he grew too tired to continue, he hid in the safety of a forest, leaned against a tree, and fell asleep.

  When he awakened, Alex started walking. He assumed he was headed inland, but had no idea what direction. Alex heard the rumble of a vehicle and hid behind a thick patch of bushes, his heart racing as a jeep filled with Wehrmacht soldiers rumbled by him. From where he crouched, he could hear them singing old German folk songs, songs he remembered from his childhood. How was it that Germany had turned on the Jews the way that they had? Growing up, Alex had always considered himself a German first, then a Jew. But he’d learned that no matter what country he lived in, he was a Jew first. That was the way the world saw him, and so it was the way he must see himself.

  A half-mile up the road Alex came upon a barn. Looking in every direction to see if anyone was around, Alex pushed on the heavy wooden door and found it unlocked. He entered. A cow stood, its big soft brown eyes staring at him. He’d never milked a cow, but he must try. He pulled at the teats, but nothing happened. The cow let out a bellow that broke the silence, startling him. But he had to try again, still nothing. Alex searched the barn for food, a carrot, or potato, anything. But not even a morsel of food was in the barn. A fat-bodied insect walked across the hay. Alex caught it and forced himself to eat it, almost vomiting as he felt the wings crunch under his teeth. Then he sat down, leaning against the side of the barn, his head in his hands.

  “Who are you?” A young girl, her dark hair in a braided bun, had entered so quietly that Alex had not heard her. She spoke in French.

  Alex knew a little French. He’d studied it years ago when he was in school. “I am an American soldier,” he said, unsure of how this information would be received. There was no way to know if this family were Nazi sympathizers.

  “Why are you here?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

  “I was separated from my troop.”

  Cocking her head to a side, she studied him for a moment.

  “Come into the house, hurry. The Germans come around here all the time. If they find you they’ll shoot you,” she said.

  Alex followed the girl. She led him up to a wooden farmhouse, badly in need of c
are. The paint had chipped and Alex could see the structure had once been white, but now had turned grey with age.

  “Come on,” she said as she opened a panel in the back of the house, revealing a hidden door.

  He stood there for a moment, wondering if he should follow or run. This could be a trap.

  “Don’t just stand there. Come on…”

  Alex needed food, water...

  She pulled at his shirtsleeve, and he followed her inside.

  Chapter 96

  “Chantel, who is this?” A man in his early twenties stood in the kitchen when they entered.

  “An American. I found him in the barn.”

  “You’re an American?”

  Alex nodded.

  “Welcome. You look hungry. Chantel, give him some food.”

  “I am Marc, and this is my sister, Chantel.” Another man a few years younger with a handsome face, a cleft chin and a crooked nose entered. “This is our brother, Luc.”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet all of you, I’m Alex.”