Cruise

by Laramie Briscoe

  Some may say I’m crazy, and maybe that’s a fact, but I know this man. I know him better than I know myself, and he needs me, I need him, and I’ve got to get him to see reason. Before we have nothing else to fight for.

  Morgan gets up, throwing some money on the counter, before he walks out to his vehicle and leaves. He’s in his EMT uniform, so he must either be reporting for duty, or he’s got to be somewhere. Caleb is slower, and I can’t help but think maybe that’s a little help from the big guy upstairs, maybe he’s helping me get this man I care for so much alone.

  As I see Caleb start to come outside, I get out of my car and go over to his driver’s side door, waiting patiently until he can see me.

  “Red?”

  The nickname slips from his lips, I can tell because it looks like he wants to put it back where it came from. But I don’t let him. “Yeah, it’s me. Ya know, the person who’s been by your side for the past few months. Ruby Red?”

  A wall is erected between the two of us. He switches off his emotions, holding himself rigid as he looks at me. “We have nothing to talk about.”

  “We have everything to talk about, starting with why you won’t see me, why you won’t talk to me, and what the fuck’s going on inside your head right now.”

  “Nothing you want to get involved in.”

  “How do you know, Caleb? You won’t tell me, you won’t talk to me. I have literally zero idea what’s going on there, and it’s all because you’ve decided I can’t handle it.”

  “You can’t,” he yells. “Because I can’t.”

  “Don’t decide what I can and can’t do. I don’t appreciate it.”

  He fumes, I can tell by the way his face is red, the way his hands clench into fists at his sides. “I can’t live with myself, Ruby, how can I expect you to live with me?”

  “What you need to do is realize this is when you need me, not when you need to push me away. Please Caleb,” I beg. I break down and beg, something I promised myself I wouldn’t do. “I don’t want to see you hurt like this, please just let me be there for you.”

  “So people can talk about you behind your back? I know people are talking. Mom and Kelsea are upset about it. I don’t want you to be upset about it too. What if we had kids, Ruby? How would they handle it?” His voice is hoarse. “How would they be able to separate their dad from the man I was?”

  “Easy! The same way you do. What the fuck is going on here?”

  “I don’t know.” He puts his hands up to his forehead. “All I know is I can’t stand for you to look at me with that fucking pity in your eyes. It reminds me too much of how people looked at me when they realized I didn’t have a mom. I don’t want to be that poor, pitiful guy, twice in my life.”

  “You aren’t, you idiot, and if you’d get your head out of your ass, you would see that.”

  I’m losing the battle, I can tell. He’s retreating and there’s nothing I can do to bring him back. The Caleb I know isn’t there right now; he’s somewhere untouchable, and all I can hope for is that we can bring him back.

  “I’ll wait for you,” I tell him. “Wait until you can figure out what’s going on in your head, wait until you see it’s all clear.”

  “Don’t.” He holds up his hand, like he wants to run his thumb along my lip, the way he always used to. “Don’t wait for me.”

  “Why can’t you touch me?” The tears pool and fall. I miss it, miss his touch, the easy way he had to be touching me all the time. I crave it, want it badly, can’t understand why he’s punishing both of us.

  “Because I can’t touch you with this blood on my hands. Red, you’re everything good and pure. I’ll fuck you up too.”

  “You’re not fucked up,” I argue. “You’re in shock over what you did, and you’re trying to process it. Stop pushing me away and let me help you.”

  I reach out to grab his arm and he pulls it away, pushing me when I get too close. “Don’t push me away.”

  “Don’t make me hurt you.” His voice is deep, dark, and full of something I’ve never heard before.

  “You’re already hurting me.” I pull my arms around my waist. “I gave it all to you, Caleb, everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And you only want to give me the good, how is that fair?”

  “Life isn’t fair, Ruby, and it’s better you learn that now, rather than five years from now when we’re married and you hate me enough to divorce me.”

  “Where is this shit even coming from in your head?”

  “I’ve seen it.”

  “And you’ve also seen your parents have a great relationship. Don’t lump me in with people who can’t handle it. Do you not remember who I was the first night I met your dad? The person I was the night you almost didn’t get that guy cuffed.” I wipe the tears out of my eyes, wipe them off my face. “I understand that you’re drifting right now. You don’t have a job you can go to, you’re worried people are going to label you something you aren’t. I get that, but don’t you give up on me.”

  “How can I not give up on you, when I’ve already given up on myself.”

  That’s when he gets in his Jeep, leaving me there crying. Letting me watch the taillights in the darkness of the night as he drives out of my life. As I look at the people watching me, I feel like a freakshow. Like everyone knows something I don’t.

  He’ll come back, he has to, because what we have is too good to throw away. He’ll see he’s a hero, he’ll believe it, and then he’ll realize just how much he needs me.

  That’s what I keep telling myself as I walk to my car, compose myself, and drive away.

  Cruise

  It’s hard to explain to everyone who keeps asking what exactly is going on in my head. There are so many thoughts and emotions I have swimming through the noise. It reminds me how I felt when my friend died in high school, and I’m trying desperately not to let myself turn down that destructive path again. I’m feeling guilt for taking another man’s life. Pride for making sure my community is safe. Denial in what I did could have been prevented, and partially dirty at the blood on my hands.

  I don’t want to corrupt Ruby or anyone else with what I’ve done, but it’s hard to live with. Knowing I ended another man’s life is inherently shocking, and while I wait for the internal review, I’m increasingly worried they’re going to say I had another option.

  That’s what’s driving me right now. The fear that I did have another option.

  The fear that I made the wrong decision.

  The fear that I’m one of those cops who didn’t think about the consequences before he committed an action that can’t be reversed.

  Until I know where I stand on what I’ve done, I can’t come to Ruby clean, I can’t be at peace with my decision, and I sure as fuck can’t be expected to go on with my day-to-day like nothing happened.

  Because it did. A man is dead. I shot him.

  And I still have no idea whether it was justifiable or not.

  My career and life lay in the balance of what the internal investigators find. They hold my entire life in their hands, and I’m nervous as fuck that they won’t see it the way I did.

  If they don’t, my life and career as I know it is over, and I definitely won’t be the man that Ruby thought I was. That’s possibly the hardest part I’ll ever have to come to terms with. So right now, it’s easier to think I’m a fucker, rather than letting her know I care way more than I should.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Cruise

  “How’d you get in here?”

  My dad is waiting on me, probably ready to rip me a new one, just like Ruby did. I’m so not in the mood for it tonight.

  “You don’t need to know how I got in here.” He gets up from where he’s sitting on my couch. “Instead, what we need to do is talk about how we’re going to get you to where you need to be.”

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? This is me.”

  “This isn’t you, we both know that. I didn’t raise you to be a fuck f
ace. You haven’t been answering my calls, your mom’s, Kelsea’s, or come to find out Ruby’s, so let’s talk about this Caleb. What the fuck is going on?”

  “Nothing.” I grind my teeth together, not wanting to do this with him.

  “We’ve done this once before son, and we won’t do it again. Do you remember when your friend died? Remember when you pushed everyone away? How’d that work out for you?”

  “How does having a murderer for a son work out for you?” I fire back at him. “Because I’m on administrative leave for committing murder.”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “You aren’t. You’re on administrative leave for using deadly force related to your job. They are two different things, Caleb. Two very different things.”

  “They don’t feel like different things,” I argue as the door opens behind me.

  I turn around, seeing Morgan standing there. His inked arms folded over his chest. His eyes meet my dad’s. “Figured you might need some help and wanted to offer it in case you did.”

  “So what? You two gonna gang up on me, confront me like Ruby just did? Let me cut you to the bone with the venom I’m gonna spew? We all know I’m a fucker when backed into a corner. I strike first, ask questions later. You wanna confront me? You better be ready to take it.”

  Dad comes to stand in front of me. “You’ve been like this since you were a kid. Always trying to strike first, always trying to deliver that blow before it’s dealt to you, but I swear to you, that’s not what’s happening here. Let me explain.”

  “There’s nothing to explain,” I yell. “I shot a man and it’s fucked me up.”

  “It’s not the first thing that’s ever fucked you up, Caleb,” Dad starts. “You wanna go back to the beginning? Lay this shit down at my feet. Blame me. I’m the one who started it. I’ve told you before I shoulda given you away and not kept you for my own selfish reasons. I kept you, even when I deployed to a war I wasn’t sure I was going to come back from. I wasn’t a perfect parent, I put you through shit you’re probably still trying to deal with today. You wanna start at the beginning? Blame me. Let’s get this all out. If you ain’t gonna listen to me, then fuckin’ cut me down, and when you’re done, I’ll tell you what you need to know. I’ve been here, I’ve done this. Maybe not as a member of the MTF, but I’ve killed to live. When you’re faced with the decision, you make it. I’m a big man.” He sits down on my couch and spreads his arms wide. “I can take it. Whatever you want to dish out. I can take.”

  He points at his chest. “Give it to me, don’t give it the women you love.”

  “I never told her I love her.” My throat gets tight. “That was the one thing that kept rolling through my head when that guy pointed that gun at me,” I admit. “I never told her I love her.”

  “And if you keep pushing her away–” Morgan’s voice is gentle at my back “–you’re never going to be able to. Now I know what your dad’s gonna tell you. Shut the fuck up and listen. Then you’ll get a chance to make this shit right with Ruby, and this fucker won’t win. Just give him a chance.”

  I look between the two of them.

  “If you still feel the need to let loose when I’m done, I’m here,” Dad says, his words strained. “I’m always here. Just give me five minutes.”

  “Okay,” I agree. “What is it you need to tell me?”

  “The deputies in Calvert County are familiar with him, they’ve dealt with him on numerous occasions. He’s been threatening suicide by cop for the last two months, but they’ve been able to deescalate the situation every time it’s arisen. We didn’t have that background info, man. None of us knew it, and all you knew was a man was pointing a gun at you. You did what you’re trained to do, you did what any of us would have done. If it hadn’t happened when it did, it would have happened later. He would have kept putting himself into situations that escalated to where no one had a choice. He left Calvert County knowing what he was doing.”

  The admission hits me straight in the chest. It does make it easier, but it doesn’t fully erase all of my guilt. “At least I know I was never going to have a choice, but it still doesn’t change the fact I killed a man.”

  “No, you weren’t, and it doesn’t,” Dad agrees. “He was going to force someone to do it, and you were that person. If you hadn’t of, who knows what he would have done to force someone. There were all those innocent people at The Café, including your mother and sister. Would you have been happier if he pulled his gun on one of them? Or God forgive, shot one of them?”

  I swallow roughly, not wanting to comprehend what he’s asking me. “No, God no. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t protect them.”

  “Regardless of if you want to hear it or not, you saved lives. You saved a lot of lives, and you’ll get medal for it.”

  “I don’t feel like I deserve a medal.”

  “You will.” Morgan claps his hand on my back. “When the shock wears off and it can all sink in, you’ll realize that what you did was heroic. You’ll realize that not many people would have acted as quickly as you did, and in acting that quickly you were a hero. No one blames you man, we just want to see you get better. We want to see you with Ruby, and happy.”

  Ruby. Her name affects me unlike anything else ever has. “She hates me.”

  “She doesn’t hate you,” Dad and Morgan say at the same time.

  “She’s a good woman,” Dad keeps on. “She’ll forgive you, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have to work for it.”

  I’ll have to get her trust back, because right now I’ve walked all over it without even thinking about how this affected her.

  “For God’s sakes,” Morgan chuckles. “Tell her you love her. All of us have known how you feel about her for at least the past five months, let her in on the secret.”

  I tilt my head back, my emotions getting the better of me.

  “Before I leave…” Dad reaches beside him on the couch. “Here’s your gun and badge back. You’ve been cleared. Havoc said to give you a few more days off work, but if you want it, your spot is still available. Look–” he puts his hands on my face, forcing me to meet his eyes. “I know this shit’s hard. It’s never easy, but it’s important. The work we do is important, and you’ll never know how proud I am that you chose to follow in my footsteps, but if it’s not for you Caleb, there’s no shame in getting out. I’m not gonna love you any less. You’re my firstborn, my only son. Having you turned me into the person I am today, and you’re always gonna be my best friend, no matter what you do.”

  Now I’m really trying to keep the emotions from getting to me. “I just want to make you proud, and I felt like what I did wasn’t honorable. Maybe I could have done something else, ended it peacefully.”

  “You. Could. Not. Have. You did everything right, son.”

  I sniffle slightly because this has been weighing so heavily on my heart. “Then I’ll call Havoc and let him know I’ll be back the first of next week. There’s some things I have to do. Like get Ruby back.”

  “Hey,” I yell at Dad as he turns to leave. He stops, cocking his head to the side. “Thank you.”

  “No problem. I love you, son.”

  “Love you too.” I’m finding those words mean so much more now than they ever did.

  “You got this?” Morgan asks as we watch Dad leave. “You know what you’re gonna do and shit?”

  “Yeah, thanks for being here, I…” my voice trails as I try to think of some way to repay him for what he’s helped give me.

  “Don’t even say it, man.” We clasp hands, hugging each other. “If anyone gets it, it’s me. Now go get your girl back.”

  As they leave my apartment, I breathe for the first time since this whole situation went down. Damn it feels good to inhale and exhale without the weight of the world on your chest.

  * * *

  I’ve let myself have a little breakdown, allowed myself to purge all the emotions that have been so close to the surface since the day of the shooting, and
I’ve come to a few realizations. I need Ruby to live my life, more than I ever imagined. She kind of makes my world go round.

  And if there’s one thing I have to do, it’s show her how much she means to me. The first order of business to accomplish that is to go get something that means a lot to both of us and show up on her doorstep. There’s nothing more romantic than that. Right?

  When I get there and she lets me in without a word, just steps aside and lets me enter, I know I have one chance and I better not fucking blow this. If I do, I’ll always wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t such a dumbass.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Ruby

  I’m lying on my couch, re-watching some TV show I’ve seen a million times, trying to figure out how to get through to Caleb when the doorbell rings. At first I ignore it, not wanting to disturb my brooding, but then I hear his voice.

  “Red?” It’s unsure and soft as he knocks on the door this time. “I know I don’t deserve for you to let me in, but I’m asking you to. Please?”

  For a moment I think about ignoring him, I think about letting him sit out there and sweat. Give him the same type of reaction he’s given me, but I realize quickly one of us has to be the bigger person. That person is me, because I know he’s hurting and I know he’s dealt with the situation he’s been thrust into the best way he knows how.

  Opening the door, I stand there with my arms crossed. Until I see what he’s carrying in his hands.

  The ugliest looking cupcakes I’ve ever seen in my life.

  “I finally realized why he made them, even though they looked like shit,” he gives me a slight smile. “It’s the thought that counts, and the selflessness that he knew I’d hate them because of what they looked like. He did it because he loved me, and he wanted to try and make me happy.”

  Tears are already pouring from my eyes, as I step back and let Caleb in.

  A little while later, we’ve moved to the bedroom. We’re laying with my head on his chest, and while it feels good to be wrapped up in his arms, I’m feeling anger. He did fuck up, it did hurt, and I’m not over it yet. We lay with one another, comforting each other against whatever it is that’s bothering us. It’s a familiar place to be, but now it’s been slightly tainted by the way he’s acted.