Amish Love Be Kind 3-Book Boxed Set

by Rachel Stoltzfus

  “Wayne, may I ask one question?”

  “Ask.”

  “What...” Abram licked his lips, thinking of just how he wanted to phrase his question. He needed as much information as he could get, if he was ever going to correct the course of the lives of himself and his family. “What led to your beliefs and actions?”

  “My experiences. You see, after experiencing so much abuse from my daed, my mamm left. She left all of us with him, boys and girls. That’s important. I don’t know if she could have taken us with her or not. She had no way of supporting herself, let alone all of us kinder, so that may have led to her decision. I don’t even know if she’s alive by now. All I do know is that Daed beat her horribly and made her life miserable. He refused to let her work. He wouldn’t even let her bake to earn extra money for things we needed. I did find out, much later, that she did bake. One of the other women of our community would take her baked goods and sell them for her, bringing the cash back for her. Mamm hid the money, stockpiling it until she was able to leave. That left Daed with all of us, and he was bitter and angry. He took that out on all of us, especially my sisters. Abram, to this day, they experience the abuse from their husbands. It’s what they know and they believe it’s normal. They believe it’s what they deserve.”

  Abram could do no more than shake his head. He was at a complete loss for words. “How...your mental state?”

  Despite the lack of sense in Abram’s question, Wayne understood what he was asking. “We were all so young when Daed’s abuse of our mother began. It made a terrifically horrible impact on all our minds. I understand now just what happened. The effect on my own mind was bad enough that when I experienced events similar to what happened in my childhood, I had what are called flashbacks. My mind would believe I was back in my childhood, and I would respond with fear. For instance, when Lizzie brought up wanting to work in the quilting shop, my mind went back to when Mamm left. Because she wasn’t allowed to work, I believed that I shouldn’t allow my wife to work, that my income should have been enough. And, because Mother took off the way she did, I believed Lizzie would do the same. I was determined to stop that at all costs. Even if it meant I became a murderer.”

  Abram was highly upset by now. Standing, he ran his hands through his hair, pacing back and forth.

  Wayne looked uncertainly at Eli, asking silently if he’d gone too far. He sighed with relief when Eli shook his head.

  “Abram, what are you thinking? Should we call your therapist?” Eli walked over to Abram, putting his hands on the younger man’s shoulders.

  “I...ya, please. I need to take a break.” He moved quickly for the back door.

  The deacon sprang up and followed Abram, not sure what he intended to do. When he looked outside, he saw Abram sitting on the top step of the porch, his head hung down, and taking deep breaths.

  Eli ran to the phone house in front of the deacon’s house. Calling the Amish-Mennonite center, he explained the situation in a few short sentences. “Is it possible for Joshua to meet with Abram at Deacon King’s house? Forty-five minutes? Denki. The address is 33 Larkspur Lane. It’s the second house on the right after he leaves the main road.” Running back into the house, he found Abram with Hannes King and Wayne on the front porch.

  “It’s hopeless! I’ll never get over this!” Abram was overwhelmed by all the information he’d been trying to learn over the past several months.

  “Ya, you will, Abram. Joshua will be here in about forty minutes. Wayne, I imagine your therapist will be with him as well. In the meantime, why don’t we take a break so Abram can just take everything in at a slower pace?” The four men walked around and soon found themselves in the Deacon’s large barn. There, Abram began walking the length of the building, setting a fast pace. After nearly thirty minutes, he finally slowed down, panting slightly. With his long sleeves, he wiped the fine sheen of perspiration from his face. “Denki, I needed that. Eli, I just want to deal with everything right now. Today. So that I won’t hit Hannah ever again. I don’t want to mess up Eleanor’s mind.”

  Wayne sat next to Abram. “I’m sorry for telling you so much.”

  “Nee, I needed to know all that. Did you want to learn everything all at once, too?”

  “Ya, once I began to get over my fears that Lizzie would leave. Just take it one step at a time. The gut thing is that you’re already involved in two programs. The judge will see this and he’ll be sure to give you credit for that.”

  “Will I have to go back to jail?”

  “I don’t know. Eli?”

  “Given the remorse you’re showing, it’s not likely. Just let the judge know you intend to continue working on the issues that led to the abuse, and he or she will be more likely to sentence you to the time you served and to continuing your therapy.”

  Abram gazed through the open doors of the barn, just processing everything he’d been told that morning. The mid-summer afternoon was warm, almost hot. Insects buzzed around and a slight breeze played through the trees and bushes. “Hannah’s at her parents for at least a week. Will the judge take that into account? That she has a place where she can go? And that I am willing to let her do so?”

  “As long as you stay willing. The court’s aim is to stop violence and ensure that everyone involved gets the help they need.”

  Abram nodded. As he did, he heard the wheels of Joshua’s car as he drove up the gravel path. “Joshua’s here. And I’m ready to work.”

  Wayne’s therapist was with Joshua. Between the two of them, Hannes and Eli, they helped Abram to understand that he couldn’t learn everything he needed to know in the space of just a few short months. “Abram, I strongly recommend that even after you stop abusing Hannah, you continue working on the issues that led to your situation. It’s a lifelong learning experience. Am I right in thinking that you thought you had this licked? Then, when you had some frustration from another source, you lost it?”

  Abram nodded slowly, feeling ashamed. “I got cocky. I really thought I’d beaten it, knowing about my monster.”

  Wayne jumped in. “Abram...your monster. I like that term. What does it do or tell you?”

  “That I’m the man of the house and Hannah’d better obey me. He—my monster—speaks in the voice of my uncle.”

  “This is more progress than we’ve made in a long time.” Joshua was thrilled, gripping Abram’s shoulder in his hand. “I find it interesting that your monster is male and speaks in your uncle’s voice. I think we can silence him, using a few easy exercises.”

  Abram looked hopefully at Joshua. “What are they? Anything that’ll shut him up!”

  Everyone laughed. Joshua sat next to Abram and continued. “We’re simply going to do just that. Teach you how to tell your monster—what’s your uncle’s name?”

  “Zeb.”

  “We’re going to tell Zeb to shut his mouth, keep it shut and to go away. That’s going to take some time for you to be comfortable with. So we’re going to continue the control exercises. To that, we’re adding this. You’ll tell whoever you’re with if your uncle’s voice tells you to do anything. I had a thought the other day. Do you think it’d help if Bishop Kurtz went to your uncle’s community and told his bishop what he’s been doing to your auntie and cousins?”

  This idea made Abram pause. Looking down, he thought. “It’s been going on for so long. Will it help?”

  “It’ll help you. And, if your uncle takes the Meidung seriously, it could help your auntie.”

  Abram saw one flaw in the idea. “Auntie would never leave him. If he’s banned, she—”

  “Would be banned as well, if she continues to communicate with him. He’d have to move to the grossdawdi haus at the least. Of course, they’d stay married.”

  Abram sighed. “Then, it may help. Ya. Go ahead and do it. If my uncle learns there are consequences to his actions, it’ll help me to silence my monster.”

  Joshua leaned forward. “Abram, you’re angry at him, ya?”

&nbs
p; “Of course! He’s ruined his family’s lives. And very nearly ruined mine, Hannah’s and Eleanor’s!”

  “Gut. Let’s work with that. You know in your head that what he’s been doing is wrong. Now, we’re going to make sure your spirit and heart know that. I want you to get to the point that when you and Hannah have a disagreement, the idea of hitting her is so abhorrent to you that there’s no way you’d ever harm her. When was the last time you encountered your uncle?”

  “Aww, years! I was still in my teens. He knew I didn’t want to be around him.”

  THAT NIGHT, ALONE IN the house, Abram had plenty of time to think about what he’d done and everything he’d learned. That counselor of yours is wrong! Abram started, having heard the monster’s voice. Panting, he ran through the house, looking for his uncle. Not finding him, he sagged against the wall, closed his eyes and ran his hands over his face. Relax, Abram. It’s just the monster speaking. Use what you learned today. “Shut up. You’re the one that’s wrong, and soon, you’ll find out just why. I’m going to beat you and make my life a calm, loving one, just the way Gott intended it to be.”

  While the voice was silenced for the moment, it came back in Abram’s dreams. Why should I shut up? I’m the head of my household. You’re supposedly the head of your home, but you’re willing to give your wife a say in decisions? What kind of man are you?

  Stirring restlessly, Abram woke. Again, he looked for the voice in his house, and then realized he’d dreamed the entire thing. “Nee. I am the head of my house. But, sharing the decisions with Hannah shows that I have the confidence in my ability to be the head of the household. You rely on beatings because you’re not secure in your role.” Abram’s words went on, rebutting everything the voice tried to tell him. It was over an hour later when Abram had finally silenced the voice of the monster.

  Going back to bed, he fell heavily asleep—the remainder of the night was dreamless. Feeling the first fingers of sunlight on his face, Abram stirred and woke. He remembered the events of the night. That was just last night. I still have to fight this any time it happens again. Now, Abram was knowledgeable enough that he knew he hadn’t defeated the monster yet. That would take consistent effort and prayer.

  As he got ready for his day, he prayed. Letting his mamm into the house, he continued to pray. “Gut morning. Denki for coming over.”

  “Well, I am happy to feed you, but not happy that Hannah once again had to retreat to her parents’ house. I hope you’re making progress.”

  “Ya. I am. I learned a lot yesterday. And I learned that I still have a ways to go.”

  “Are you praying?”

  “Constantly.”

  “Gut. Make everything you do a prayer for the serene, loving home you want for you, Hannah and Eleanor. Oh, that’s another thing...”

  “What?” Abram sipped the hot coffee carefully.

  “Hannah is your wife. She is also an individual separate from you. Remember to think of her as ‘Hannah’ rather than just as ‘my wife.’ By remembering her individuality, you’ll find it harder to force your beliefs and wishes on her.”

  Abram nodded. “I like that. You know, I had some...odd experiences last night.” He went on to tell Martha about the voice he’d heard before he went to bed, as well as what he’d heard in his dreams. “Joshua told me that putting a name to my monster’s voice could help me to address him and what he’s trying to tell me.”

  “What is he trying to tell you?”

  “The voice is my uncle’s voice. And he’s telling me that...that I’m a wimp for letting Hannah make decisions with me.”

  Martha chuckled. “I’m not laughing at you, son. I’m laughing at your insecure, bullying uncle. Ya, I’m calling him names. Names he’s earned. You made a lot of progress yesterday. If you don’t mind, I’m going to take that news to Hannah.”

  “Please do. Right now, she is angry with me and she has every right to be. She won’t be at Sunday services this weekend.”

  “Can’t blame her. She looks pretty beat up.”

  Abram winced. “Ya. She does.” He lapsed into silence, regretting his loss of control. Remembering the discussion about his uncle and banning, he spoke again. “Joshua did ask me what I thought about the bishop going to my uncle’s community to speak to his bishop about the abuse. At first, I didn’t think it would work. But after Joshua, Deacon King and I talked about it, I think it would. So, the bishop will be going to Ohio.”

  Chapter 9

  “Well! That’s wunderbaar! It’s long, long overdue. Why didn’t you think it would work?”

  “Auntie. She won’t leave him.”

  “She will if she doesn’t want to be banned herself. Besides, I know for a solid fact that she is fed up with his treatment. While they’d stay married, she is quite willing to live separately from him for the rest of their lives.”

  Abram was stunned. That his meek, quiet auntie had reached this state of mind spoke to the effects of the years of abuse she’d endured. “When did you learn this?”

  “A few years ago. I tried to give her some suggestions, and she promised to use them. I don’t know how much they helped. Now that the bishop is back, he’d better prepare for another trip.”

  THE NEXT FEW WEEKS were a whirlwind of activity for Abram and Hannah. While Hannah spent the next week and a half at her parents’, she was with Abram for meetings with his lawyer and for court hearings.

  “YOUR HONOR, I HAVE increased the intensity and timing of my meetings with my therapist and peer counselors. I’ve agreed with my...with Hannah, my wife, that if I am a danger to her, she’s free to leave temporarily with our daughter. She goes to her parents’ home. I’ve also been meeting and discussing domestic violence with another member of our community who abused his wife and grown daughter.

  “Your honor, I don’t want to be this way. Now that I know why I do this, I am working hard to keep that...influence from affecting my thinking or my actions. What I did to Hannah was wrong. I know that, not only in my mind, but also in my heart. I’m asking that any sentence you give to me allows me to stay out of jail. While Hannah bakes and sells her goods, it’s not enough for her to be able to pay for everything on time. We’d fall behind. I’m willing to help others who abuse their wives. In fact, once I finish my counseling, I’ve been asked to become a peer counselor.”

  The judge was silent for a time. “You spoke of an influence that has affected your thinking and actions. That shows self-awareness. Do you know what or who this influence is?”

  “Ya, I do, ma’am. I term it my ‘monster.’ It speaks to me in my uncle’s voice. That’s where all this started. I spent a summer with him and his family when I was a young teen, still in school. I also witnessed several episodes of violence he committed against my auntie and female cousins.”

  “Has he ever been arrested and charged? Or threatened with his community’s excommunication?”

  “Nee...no, your honor. But my therapist and I talked to Deacon King about it. The deacon thought it would be helpful, not just for me, but for my auntie and cousins, if the bishop were to travel to the Ohio community where my uncle lives. There, our bishop would tell his bishop of the abuse my uncle has inflicted. We all feel—my therapist, our elders and our head peer counselor—that knowing this is happening helps me to shut my own monster’s voice down.”

  “And it would mean your uncle would be banned, right?”

  “Yes, if he doesn’t repent and change his ways.”

  After the judge came back from her chambers, she sentenced Abram to time served. She also ordered him to speak to other abusers about his own actions and the effects they had on his family. “And continue with everything you’re doing. I can only imagine that it makes you and your wife very busy. Mr. Beiler, if I see you in my court again—or in any of the courtrooms of my colleagues—I will sentence you to the full punishment, which would do your family definite harm. I urge you to keep that in mind as you work on your issues. I’m gratified to see that you ta
ke responsibility for your actions. That’s a refreshing change from what I usually see.” She banged her gavel and closed Abram’s file.

  On his way home with Joshua, Isaac, Martha, Eli and Hannah, Abram reflected on the judge’s words. “She arrived at her decision by looking at the law. But she also exercised compassion as Gott urges us to do. I’m going to keep working on my issues and shutting my monster’s voice up. Hannah, I do so every day. I’ve learned that if I speak before he gets the chance, I am better able to control my emotional reactions.”

  Hannah was caught up in the progress Abram had made. “You’ve learned so much! What have you learned about controlling yourself in the heat of the moment?”

  Abram sighed. “To speak first to my monster, then to you. If I can stop him, then I can regain control. But I do have one suggestion. I hope you’ll like it.”

  “What is it?”

  “If I am not successful in regaining control, I won’t come in. Instead, I’ll write a note and either stick it under the kitchen door or hold it against the window so you can see what’s happening with me.”

  Hannah mulled this idea. “Well, it would mean that you could communicate with me without the risk of blowing up, ya. What would the notes say?”

  “Whatever is happening. For example: ‘Too angry to come in. Going for a walk,’ or ‘Go to your parents’ with baby.’ Hannah, I don’t want to ever hurt you the way I just did. Ever.” All of Abram’s regret and sorrow was in his voice and eyes. Looking at Hannah, he saw the bruises had faded. The cut he’d put on her lower lip was just about healed. “I don’t want to hurt you or the baby emotionally. Talking to Wayne Lapp made it clear to me what could happen to her if she witnessed any more episodes between us.”

  Hannah looked tenderly at Abram. “She misses her daed. Will you come to my parents’?”