No Reverse

by Marion Croslydon

“All I wanted,” I moved on, “All I wanted was for you to have a chance to build the future you deserved, away from Steep Hill.”

  Truth number one.

  “You’d have given up on Georgetown to stay with me. I didn’t want you to look back at that decision later on and hate me for it.”

  Truth number two.

  While I spoke, my fingertips had reached for his left cheek, where a faint stubble had risen. Josh shuddered under my touch. His eyes buried into mine.

  “You could have come with me. I’d have made it work. Instead you got rid of our baby and vanished into thin air with the first asshole available.”

  A sense of injustice blew on me, super storm like. “That’s not what really happened. I was chained to that freakin’ town, with Gran sick as she was. I didn’t want to drag you down with me. But I came here to tell you the truth.” I hammered every word, while I took the extra step that put my body in line with his.

  Josh recoiled. His hand pushed mine away.

  “You’re making things up. Remember? When you had the abortion, you didn’t even know about Georgetown and your gran was still healthy. You want to know the ugly truth, Cass?”

  He had the timing all wrong, but I nodded anyway.

  “You always find the easy way out. You aborted our baby to go and live the rock ’n’ roll life. And when things didn’t turn out the way you wanted, you came back home, tail between your legs, and used your gran as an excuse for being a walking failure.”

  “I had no choice, I—“

  “—You had the choice, and you didn’t choose me.”

  “No. It wasn’t like that.”

  Pain was etched all over Josh’s face. His eyes glistened, but there was fire in them.

  “Today, I don’t choose you.” His sentence hung between us like a life sentence.

  “Cassie!”

  Josh turned toward the voice. I didn’t need to look up. I knew it was Sam. Not now. I wiped away the tears that were still running down my face, stepping aside so that I could show myself.

  “I’m here.”

  Sam leaned against the door frame and frowned at me. Was it because I’d taken my break without checking with him first? Or because I looked teary and crap?

  “I know you were due for a break, but it’s getting crowded again.”

  “I’m coming.” I gave Sam a fake smile, but he kept staring at me. “One minute and I’ll be in. I’ll stay until closing time to make up for it.”

  “Is there a problem here? Is that guy annoying you?” Sam had taken a step forward.

  “No, no. I’m sorry. I’ll be back in a sec.”

  He reluctantly stepped back inside and I reluctantly tore myself from Josh.

  My fingers tingled because I wanted to touch him again.

  “I have to go back to work. But we need to talk. Somewhere quiet. Just the two of us.” I got a notepad and a pen out of the pocket of my apron and scribbled Sam’s address. “That’s where I’m staying. Please come and see me tomorrow. I don’t have a shift. It’ll be easier to talk there, away from…” His fiancée.

  Josh took the note, then extended his arms across the void that gaped between us and his hands cradled my face. I leaned against it like a cuddle-deprived Kitten. I wanted him. I needed him.

  “For both our sakes, Cassandra, you have to move on.”

  His words were like an upper-cut and a jab combined. They made my ears buzz.

  I jumped away from him and my back hit the door of the pub. My head was shaking like a pendulum.

  Josh made his point crystal clear. “Give me a divorce. Nothing you can say now will change how I feel about us. We’re done.”

  My hand slid between my back and the door and I grabbed the handle. I opened the door with the little strength I had left and went back inside. The smell of cheap food almost made me retch. My appetite was gone.

  I couldn’t give Josh a divorce. Not yet.

  eight

  Steep Hill ~ September, six years earlier.

  Josh

  “Let’s move on.” I’m desperate to leave behind Steep Hill High School, Homecoming, and anyone who isn’t us. My stomach is twisted into tight knots. I clench and unclench my fingers over the steering wheel of my truck.

  “I’m ready.” Cassie snuggles against my side and lays her hand over my thigh. I stare back at her sideways and her smile warms me inside. “But where are you taking me?”

  “Surprise, surprise.”

  Well, I hope it will be. I’ve been planning this for a week. I start the engine and Cassie turns on the radio. Country music explodes around the truck. She lowers the volume, drops a kiss on my temple and starts humming along. Her fingers tip-tap the rhythm on the dashboard, and I struggle to concentrate on the road ahead. That’s always the effect her voice has on me.

  “I could listen to you all night.”

  “I hope you’re going to do more than just listening to me tonight.”

  “Cassandra O’Malley, you’re a naughty girl with the voice of an angel.”

  “Amazing what childhood colic can do,” she giggles and goes back to the music.

  Cass has a low-pitched, husky voice. Apparently she’s got calluses on her vocal cords. Doctor Mitchell says it’s due to her having colic when she was a newborn. She kept screaming and screaming but because her mom didn’t give a shit about her, Cassie was left in pain. The nodules—and indirectly her amazing voice—are a direct result of her mother’s total lack of care.

  That’s the only good thing that woman gave Cass.

  The truck finally reaches a bumpy road and vibrations ripple throughout my body. Two minutes later and we’ve made it to our destination.

  Cassie stares through her window at the cotton tree outside. “Okay, so your surprise is Sweet Angel Point?” Her eyebrows rise because the place itself isn’t much of a surprise. Sweet Angel Point was our secret hiding place when we were kids.

  I nod, but fight her disappointment. “Wait a sec.”

  I step out and run around the car to open her door for her. At her feet, there’s the bag I’ve prepared. I grab the thermos and mug.

  “First, you’re going to relax with a warm cup of cocoa.” I fill the mug. “And while you do, I want you to put this over your eyes.” From the same bag, I extract the only tie I own.

  Her mouth gapes. “Are you nuts?” She slaps the vest of my tuxedo. “I am not doing anything kinky.”

  She wraps her arms around her shoulders and her lips tremble.

  That was so not what I had in mind. “Don’t freak out.” I wave my free hand in a peace gesture. “I need a few minutes to set it up, and I don’t want you to watch.”

  Her body deflates against the car seat and she lets out an “Okay,” and then “Kinky isn’t what I had in mind for our first time together.”

  Our first time period. Hers. Mine.

  She lets me set the tie over her eyes and adjusts it with her fingers. I kiss their tips, then take hold of her hands to place the mug between them. I slowly pour out the cocoa.

  “Give me five minutes.”

  She brings the cup to her mouth. “I’ll drink my cocoa quietly.”

  I rush to the back of my truck, open it and start unpacking. I can hear my heart bumping against my chest.

  Now, standing next to the side of the truck, I open the door and gently take the mug away from Cassie. With her hand in mine, I guide her outside until we reach the midpoint between the truck and the cotton tree. I undo the tie, holding my breath.

  Cassie’s eyes squint.

  I take a few seconds to enjoy the result myself. “This is so perfect,” she whispers, with her face tipped back to admire the lanterns I’ve hung from the branches of the tree. Their flimsy lights draw shadows all around us, and it feels like I’ve created our own little world. “Mission accomplished.”

  “Not quite yet.”

  I run back towards the truck, climb onto the passenger seat and grab another item from the bag I’d prepared for the e
vening. I slide the CD into the car stereo and turn the volume up so we can hear it from outside. The song starts playing Cass’s favorite band. It’s about waiting for the one you love, coming back home and starting afresh.

  I’m back at her side and her eyes look for mine. I notice, again, her shoulders, left bare by the strapless dress she’d chosen for Homecoming.

  “You must be cold.” I start removing my tux jacket guilty for not thinking of it earlier, but she stops me by circling my waist with her arms and snuggling against my body. I let her perfume wrap around me.

  “I’ve never been as happy as I’m right now.” She goes on tiptoes and kisses my mouth. Gently she brushed her lips over mine until her tongue makes its way inside, searching. She sets me on fire, but I let her continue because, tonight, I won’t have to hold back.

  My fingers caress the skin of her shoulders and make their way down her arms towards the small of her back and her bottom. I cup it through the material of her dress and press her against me.

  Cassie cuts off the kiss, steps back, her eyes diving back into mine. “You mean the world to me, Joshua MacBride.”

  “You are my world, Cassandra O’Malley. And you always will be.”

  She bites on her lower lip and nods. “I hope so. I don’t want a life without you.”

  “Don’t even think about it.” I seize her by the hand and lead her to the back of the truck. There, I’ve laid thick blankets, the softest I found in the house. It’s a make-do bed but it should be comfortable enough for us. I circle her waist with my hands and lift her up so that she sits on the tailgate.

  I stare at her, and with all the love I’ve had inside me since I saw her for the first time, eleven years ago, “I choose you, Cassie. For now and forever.”

  nine

  Oxford ~ Present.

  Cassie.

  ELEANOR (11.05AM): MEET US AT 7PM AT THE OXFORD UNION. FREWIN COURT. OFF CORNMARKET STREET. ON ST. MICHAEL’S STREET.

  CASSIE (11.13AM): WILL BE THERE.

  ELEANOR (11.14AM): FANTASTIC! DRESS CODE: COCKTAIL DRESS.

  CASSIE (7.01PM): OUTSIDE.

  I shivered since I’d left my leather jacket in the room I’d sub-let from Sam. I didn’t know much about the Oxford Union, but I guessed the biker look wouldn’t be welcome.

  And judging by the crowd in tuxedos and stuck-up cocktail dresses filtering through the door, I was right. The tight black dress I wore was the most presentable item I’d packed before leaving Steep Hill. I pulled down its sleeves and tugged at the hem of my skirt before stepping into the building. I didn’t have any formal invitation so I waited for a sign from Eleanor.

  I patted and patted the mass of my hair. I’d tried to put together the most conservative bun, but there were still a few rebelling wisps. I’d waited all day for Josh to show up at my place. He hadn’t. So I’d accepted Eleanor’s invitation. Josh would be there. The plan for tonight was… to just break the freaking news upfront and be done with it.

  Eleanor appeared in my line of sight and an icy wave crashed over me, my tight dress and my bun. She was beautiful. Beautiful and elegant, and so perfectly put together in her simple midnight-blue cocktail dress. All that perfection made me swoon in the stilettos I’d borrowed from Lola, one of my new housemates.

  Eleanor waved at me. I waved back while plastering a fake smile. But that smile required so much effort that the muscles in my face started to ache.

  “So good of you to come.” She drowned me within a tight embrace. “Josh’s bit’s about to start.”

  She took hold of my hand, rewarded the two students with a beaming smile, and hurried along the carpeted corridors, all the time chattering and giggling. I tried to match her pace but I wasn’t used to high heels, and once or twice I nearly stumbled.

  “… So my father suggested he should participate in the short debate before the debate dinner. Josh didn’t want to take advantage of his connections to my dad, but we put so much pressure on him that he had to give in.”

  “What does your dad do for a living?” I asked to break my silence.

  Eleanor gave a dismissive wave from the tips of her manicured hands. “Daddy is doing some lobbying in D.C. So will Josh once we’re back home. Dad offered him a position.”

  Josh was going to work for his father-in-law-to-be. I wondered if the offer had come before or after the proposal.

  “So how did the two of you meet?”

  Eleanor threw one of her curls back over her shoulders. “At Georgetown. I graduated last year. When Josh got the Rhodes scholarship, I followed him to England. I’m an intern at Vogue in London. But I commute two days a week. That leaves me plenty of time to be here with him. I wanted to live in Paris. That’s where my mom is from. But I couldn’t stand to be apart from Josh.”

  Yeah, I guessed as much. Working for a living wasn’t one of Miss Eleanor’s priorities.

  I gave myself a mental slap. I didn’t like the girl, but that had nothing to do with who she really was, but rather what she meant. Eleanor was actually nice, and my “news” was going to hurt her. So I forced myself to be polite to bury the guilt.

  “What’s this Rhodes scholarship all about?”

  Eleanor stopped in her tracks, laid her hand on my forearm, and gazed at me from under her perfectly plucked, arched eyebrows. “You really haven’t kept in touch with him, have you?” Her question hung between us without me being able to make up a believable lie.

  I twitched under her gaze. Finally, she spoke again. “The Rhodes Scholarship is the most prestigious scholarship, probably in the world. There are only a select few post-graduates each year who get the offer to come and study at Oxford.”

  And Josh MacBride, star student of Steep Hill High, valedictorian and quarterback, was one of the happy winners.

  With a shrug, I said, “He was always the first in everything back home but I didn’t know he’d gone so far.”

  “Josh is the most driven guy I’ve ever met...” Eleanor started walking again. “… after my daddy.”

  What girl in her twenties still called her father daddy? Grow up, Pollyanna.

  I followed her inside a grand wood-paneled room. It was packed, but Eleanor traced her way through the crowd, up to the front row. I was getting the VIP treatment. At the same time as we reached our seats, someone took the stage and gestured for the people to sit and be silent. The room obeyed.

  That was when I saw him. Josh stood at the side of the stage, glamorous in his tuxedo. A lump settled in my throat. The last time I’d seem him dressed like that was our Homecoming night.

  That night, he’d only seen me. I meant everything to him. Tonight, his profile was hard, set in stone. Nothing else, nobody else mattered to him. He was so clean-cut and focused, his head tipped forward, his jaw tight. Was the boy I loved all my life still breathing inside that man?

  “It’s about to start.” Eleanor shuffled nervously next to me. “I’ll introduce you later.”

  My eyes settled on the people sitting on her other side. A middle-aged couple with power written all over them. The woman shared Eleanor’s cheekbones and coloring. Her parents, I guessed. On the row behind me, I noticed Freddie, who greeted me with a wave and a mute “hello.”

  “Ladies and gentlemen, honored members and guests…” A guy who didn’t look old enough to take his SATs was welcoming every man and his dog.

  I switched off, with only a couple of words reaching my attention-deficit-suffering brain: Media and Politics. My eyes were stuck on Josh. His gaze drilled through me, and his eyes widened. Once his name had echoed around the room, he slowly marched up to join the speaker. But still, he kept looking at me.

  Eleanor mini-waved at Josh, but she wasn’t the one holding his attention. I was. That knowledge made me sit up straighter on my seat.

  Another guy joined Josh on stage and they started debating Media and Politics. I didn’t listen to a word they said. A weight settled in my stomach because I knew what our upcoming chat might cost the promising, am
bitious, and very engaged Josh MacBride.

  ten

  “Well done, son! A fine performance.” Those were Bruce Carrington’s words as he laid a paternal hand on Josh’s shoulder.

  “Thank you, sir.” Josh had a satisfied smile and he grabbed Bruce’s other hand to shake it. “I really appreciate you giving me the opportunity to prove myself.”

  “You deserve it. Now I hope I won’t embarrass you all.” Mr. Carrington gave a short chuckle while he scanned his fan club. His wife Louise—blow-dried and botoxed—Josh, his fiancée, the ever-present Freddie, and me. Eleanor stood at Josh’s side, beaming with pride. They gave a brand new meaning to the term “Golden Couple.”

  We strutted out of the debating room, surrounded by a crowd saluting and congratulating Josh. I stood at the edge, jostled by people wanting to reach him. A massive shout exploded inside my head: ‘What the hell are you doing here, you moron?’

  What had I been trying to prove? That Josh and I were still riding the same wave? We so weren’t. We had nothing in common anymore. Deep down, I knew we never had. I’d never felt worthy of him, as a friend and even less as a wife or the mother of his child.

  “We need to talk.” Josh’s words cut into my thoughts. While the rest of our group had moved towards what was, I thought, a dining room, he had slowed down to match my pace. “Let’s go somewhere more discreet.”

  He nodded towards the other end of the corridor, now deserted since most of the crowd was already in the dining room. I checked on Eleanor, but she hung on her daddy’s arm, oblivious to us.

  “It’ll only take a minute,” Josh added, as if he could read my thoughts

  I stiffened. No, it wasn’t going to take him a minute... rather a lifetime.

  We turned a corner at the end of a corridor and I followed Josh inside a small, dimly lit room. The only light came from a heavily-shaded lamp in the corner. There was a small sofa along the opposite wall and two cushioned chairs opposite it. Josh didn’t move towards them. Our conversation would take place standing up, apparently.

  “I don’t know what game you’re playing, but you’d better stop it right now. Trying to make friends with Eleanor isn’t going to get you anywhere.”