No Reverse

by Marion Croslydon

  “Josh is very driven. You said so the other night.” That was the only thing I could say without getting too deep.

  Eleanor gave a quick, high-pitched laugh. Totally not her. “He is. I respect him for that… but, I wondered.” She took a sip of her wine and set the glass back down on the table. Whenever the girl talked about Josh, she glowed and her voice changed timbre. “I wondered if he’s always been like that. So focused.”

  I tilted my head from side to side to give me time to think. But there wasn’t much thinking to be done. Josh had always been that talented, bright kid. He studied, went to practice, and everything he did looked effortless. But… but Josh’s only real focus had been me. I’d been the center of his world, and I’d grown up knowing that.

  “Yes, he’s always been like that, very focused.” It was a half-lie.

  “Does this have anything to do with his family?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve never met his parents. I suggested we go and visit them this summer before Josh starts his new job in D.C., but he doesn’t want me to. He never mentions his life in Kansas, absolutely never.” Eleanor shifted in her seat. “You’re the first person I meet who knew him from before, before he started at Georgetown.”

  “That’s why you want to be friends with me.” That was harsh, and got me another blush from Eleanor.

  “Yes,” she confessed with downcast eyes. “That’s one reason. And since we’re being completely open, I’m a bit threatened.”

  I felt my eyes bulge. “How so?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?” No, it wasn’t. “If the one and only thing you finally managed to find out about your fiancé’s past was a gorgeous blonde, wouldn’t you be worried a tiny bit? Plus, he gets all intense around you.”

  I didn’t want any compliments from Eleanor. It was so wrong, and her words left me feeling filthy. I had to get out of this.

  “What do you want to know about Steep Hill?” I mumbled. “Fire away.”

  Eleanor flopped back in her chair. “What kind of boy was Josh? Was he close to his family?”

  “To his mother, yes. With his dad, it was more complicated.” I could have cursed in relief. Better to talk about the MacBrides than me… me and Josh.

  I kept it that way for the rest of the lunch. And I kept the lunch as short as possible. I had to get to Josh, make him choose, and get myself out of this clusterfuck. For everyone’s sake.

  For Lucas. For Eleanor.

  An hour later, we said goodbye. Eleanor had gone back to his place, their place--gag reflex--, and I had to catch him before he made it back home from Rhodes House. There was this little voice in my head whispering “stalker.” But I didn’t care. I had to speed things up. Clingy or not.

  Black clouds hung thick and low. No need to be a psychic to forecast rain. I watched Eleanor’s back disappear around the corner of the street. I headed in the opposite direction, towards the city center. I’d ask there for directions. That was when the first drops hit between my collar and the nape of my neck.

  I shivered.

  I shivered more when the sky opened up, apparently to empty itself on me. I grabbed my collar and pulled my leather jacket over my head. If I hid in a coffee shop or back at the Museum, I’d lose the chance to surprise Josh before he got back to Eleanor. I’d better woman up and get my butt to wherever he was. Soaked or not.

  I stepped into the crosswalk.

  Wheels screeched and the shrieking sound of a car horn froze me in my tracks. My eyes shut. My heart skipped a beat. Seconds passed. I breathed again. I was alive. The hood of a small car—a fancy, tiny European model, I guessed—was inches away from the side of my thigh.

  Close call.

  I straightened my jacket and squinted, struggling to see through the windscreen because of the wall of rain bashing against it. The driver jabbed his finger at the side of his head to show that I was the crazy one. At the same time as he recognized me, I recognized him.

  Freddie.

  Freddie waved for me to get inside his car. I didn’t think and rushed over.

  “Cassandra with wet hair, so sexy.” he welcomed me. Yeah, maybe I should have thought twice, but too late, he’d shifted into gear and we were moving. I put my seatbelt on.

  “Where are you heading?”

  “Rhodes House,” I wanted to swallow back the words. Not a good move.

  “Visiting America’s National Treasure, Joshua MacBride himself, hey?”

  I clasped my thighs tightly. “We’re supposed to meet up for a coffee. Catching up before I go back home, you know.”

  Freddie answered me with a sideways glance, followed by “Let me give you a lift. I was on my way there. That’s my alma mater too.”

  “Thanks,” I kept looking ahead, through the rain. This guy was creepy.

  But the quick drive was fine and the rain died down. He made a couple of comments when we passed some of Oxford’s landmarks. But that was all, and I relaxed against the heated leather seat. Finally, he parked the car by the curb and pointed towards the other side of the road. I didn’t have a good view through the steamed-up windshield but, behind a gate, there was another old building, a lot how I imagined an English country mansion to look.

  “That’s Rhodes House. Josh is likely to be in the library, but you won’t get in because you’re not a scholar. Do you want me to take you inside?”

  I shook my head. “No need. I’ll call Josh to tell him I’m waiting outside.” Liar, I didn’t even have his cell number. Not that he’d take my call anyway.

  I’d just stalk him. Hopefully there was only one exit.

  I undid my belt, grabbed my bag from by my feet and pushed on the door handle. Freddie leaned across me and shut the door before I could get out. The hair on my neck and arms stood on end.

  “I know, Cassandra” he repeated, “I know.”

  fourteen

  I stiffened. “What do you know?”

  “You and Josh are married. He wants a divorce.” I had to deny it, but the words got stuck in my throat. “And you don’t want to give him one.”

  “Did he tell you?” Josh might have needed to confide, granted, but to this sleazebag?

  “Come on, Cassandra, get that blood back into those lovely cheeks of yours.” The tip of his index finger brushed my cheekbone, and I wanted to spit at him. “I overheard your conversation at the Turf the other night. I was in the little boys’ room when the two of you were sharing a moment in the courtyard. I didn’t want to interrupt, so I stayed hidden.”

  Josh hadn’t said anything, and the weird sense of betrayal faded away. Still, huge problem here.

  “So what?” I bluffed.

  “Just thought I’d offer my support, a shoulder to cry on.” His lips were twisted into a smirk. It wasn’t an offer of friendship.

  “Bullshit, you want to screw me.” Yeah, I could be that classy.

  Freddie’s eyebrow arched. “What a romantic you make, sweet Cassandra.”

  I shifted my body so that I could face him and look him straight in the eyes. The hell that stuck-up jackass was going to blackmail me. “If I don’t sleep with you, you’ll tell Eleanor. Is that it?”

  He rested his elbow on the steering wheel and his gaze lowered to my boobs. My shoulders slumped. I glued my knees together.

  “Whatever rocks your boat, darling. I could also inadvertently mention Josh’s marital status to Eleanor. Who knows, she might be so heartbroken that she doesn’t want to see him ever again?”

  Eleanor didn’t deserve to find out the truth that way. Maybe she shouldn’t know the truth at all. It was for Josh to decide. Not Freddie or me.

  I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

  “I think Option Two could really take the wind out of your sails.”

  “Back off. I won’t have sex with you.” He tilted his head as if he was looking at a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. “Ever. And Josh won’t like you threatening him through me.”

  I’d struck a nerve
because Freddie’s lips tightened.

  I turned to open the door again but, this time, he grabbed my inner thigh and forced my legs apart. His mouth crashed over mine. I tasted him, and his taste made me want to puke. I jerked my head sideways. His lips slid down my cheek to my neck, to my breasts.

  I grabbed his head, yanked him away and slapped him hard. His face got real ugly and his hand clawed over my shoulder to pull me against him. Suddenly his whole body jerked backwards. He lost his hold on me and I had to use the gearstick for support.

  The door behind Freddie was wide open. From my angle, I saw the lower half of two people standing on the other side of the car, or rather fighting each other, given the tough rumba they were dancing. I hopped out of the car to discover Josh punching Freddie’s jaw.

  Ouch.

  “Don’t fucking touch her.” His fist dipped into Freddie’s stomach, causing him to bend double.

  Ouch again.

  I wanted to cheer because Freddie was a total douchebag. Instead I ran towards Josh and my arms circled his shoulders from behind to pull him away. Josh didn’t go into fights often, but when he did, he went for blood. At least, he used to.

  “Stop!” He froze and I managed to drag him backwards out of Freddie’s reach. “He’s not worth it.”

  Josh’s body vibrated against mine. His head tilted forward like a bull preparing to charge.

  “Let him go.” I was still wrapped around him, on tiptoes, my front against his back, my hands clasped over his chest. He laid his on mine and gave them a squeeze.

  “Are you okay?” he whispered, my face now nestled in the crook of his neck.

  “You bet. That guy is no cowboy.”

  Josh chuckled. “That he isn’t.” Then still holding my hands, he made me move around him so that I stood at his side, his arm tight over my shoulder.

  Our bodies relaxed against each other. I was home.

  “Quite the cute couple,” Freddie hissed, while his fingers touched his cut lip. He was bleeding. I didn’t feel sorry for him. For all I cared, he could bleed dry. “I wonder what Eleanor will have to say about all this.”

  “Shut up, loser,” I threw back at him. “Stop threatening me.”

  Josh’s gaze zeroed in on me, his eyes cold. “What is he threatening you with?”

  “He knows.”

  Josh’s muscles went rigid again. “What?”

  “That America’s Sweetheart is almost a bigamist. Married and engaged.” Freddie whistled. “You’re a busy boy.”

  But Josh ignored his ranting and stared point blank at me. “You told him?”

  I shook myself away from him. “What do you take me for? He overheard us at the Turf.”

  “Chill out, Joshua.” Freddie was now leaning against his car, a cigarette hanging out of the unhurt corner of his mouth. “I’d be curious to see what Bruce Carrington will think of his future son-in-law if he found out he was already married.” He lit the cigarette and took a drag. “Tsk, tsk, you might not remain his protégé for much longer.”

  I expected Josh to pound his fist back into Freddie’s jaw. Instead he buried his hands in his jean pockets. “And let me guess, you’ll be happy to step in and fill the position in Eleanor’s heart and in her bank account.”

  Freddie rolled his eyes upward as if he was considering the suggestion, then nodded. “Someone would need to step in and help the poor, heartbroken girl.”

  “In that case, I expect you to apply full disclosure as well. Bruce might be intrigued by your rather surprising sexual history.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  In Josh’s profile, I saw the corner of his mouth curl up. “Really? Because I have this picture of you. Remember: Eleanor’s birthday last month? You were in that tiny little corner, when everyone was looking away, and I almost missed you locking mouths with Patrick Whitacker.”

  Freddie jumped back to his feet. His attitude had vanished in the last puff of his cigarette. “That’s not true.” What next? Freddie stamping his foot like a pissed-off toddler.

  “Hmm… What do they say? ‘The camera never lies.’” Josh looked like he was almost enjoying himself. Something told me Freddie hadn’t been his favorite person in Oxford. “Funny what you end up catching while taking a picture of the birthday girl blowing on her candles.”

  I hadn’t seen that side of Josh before. All businesslike and cold. Not that he’d ever been a wimp.

  “If you ask me, Patrick could do much better than you. I hope it was just a momentary lapse of judgment on his part. He deserves to be with a decent guy.”

  Freddie’s mouth fell downward. He’d lost. “I’ll back off.” And because Josh wasn’t saying anything, he spelled it out, “I won’t say anything to Eleanor.”

  “Good.” Josh focused back on me. “Have you left anything inside his car?”

  I rushed back to the passenger seat and took out my bag. He waited for me on the sidewalk, this time with the books I’d seen earlier spread on the street, then started walking away from Freddie’s car. I followed.

  Silence reigned while we headed back towards the town center. At least, I thought that was the direction we were headed. Oxford wasn’t mapped out in my head.

  I was usually good with silence, but this one had lasted too long. “Thanks for saving the day.”

  Josh stopped. He stared down at me, his legs planted wide apart, and his height made my body shrink. “I can’t stand the sight of him. I’ve only let him close because he was a family friend of Lenor’s. But what were you doing in his car in the first place? So drenched that everyone can see your bra through your T-shirt.”

  I stared down to where Josh’s eyes rested. Yep, white, wet T-shirt over purple bra. I tightened my leather jacket over my chest. “He gave me a lift. I was on my way to see you, but it started pouring and he was driving by. I didn’t want…” Stop babbling.

  Josh cut me off anyway. “How did you know I was at Rhodes House?”

  “Eleanor told me.”

  “What the fuck were you doing with her?”

  His swearing hit me. He didn’t do that often, unlike me, although I’d have to train myself if Lucas was going to be in my life. “She wanted to talk to me… about you.” I held up my hand, palm facing his way. “Relax, I didn’t spill the beans on your dirty little secret.” Since that was what I’d become to him. “I focused on your parents. I didn’t even bitch on your dad.” I shrugged. “Well, not that much.”

  “I don’t want you to get close to Lenor again.” He groaned, and a couple passing by frowned at him. When he talked again, he was back in control. “I’m planning to tell her as soon as I’ve made up my mind about the next step.” His gaze dropped. “I’m not proud of withholding the truth from her. I just wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened.”

  That I hadn’t happened.

  With Freddie’s lips on me, I had wanted to puke, but Josh’s words made me feel as though I’d been walking the streets for the past ten years.

  I lifted up my chin and prayed for it not to tremble like a leaf. “Breaking news! I do exist, so does our son.”

  Our son. I’d never said it out loud before.

  I forced myself to take a deep breath. “I didn’t expect you to jump around when I told you about him. It’s big and you need time to digest it.”

  Josh bit the inside of his cheek, but there was no other tell-all sign. Cars drove by on the one-way street where we were standing. I smelled their exhaust.

  “But you need to do the right thing.”

  Josh crossed his arms over his chest and his books, looking like he had earlier with Freddie, all businesslike and cold. ”The right thing? So you now know what that means.”

  I was missing something here and I felt a frown crease my forehead.

  Josh refreshed my mind. “Back in Steep Hill, six years ago, I asked you to do the right thing, to believe in us and do the best for our baby. But, in those days, you didn’t give a shit about the right thing.”
<
br />   I remembered that conversation now. Outside the gymnasium. Before practice. “I did the best I could at the time. You have to believe me. I didn’t make that decision lightly. I wrestled with it. I agonized over it. But then… I did what I did.”

  Josh shifted the weight of his books from one arm to the other. “The best? You made that child an orphan. Twice. First when you abandoned him. Second, when his parents died. Try harder from now on.”

  “That’s what—“

  “—Or better, stop trying.”

  My throat went dry. I wanted to shake him up, to make him stop arguing about the past, what I could–what I should–have done. “I can’t stop trying. Lucas is alone. He needs me. I don’t know what to do. And I don’t think I can help him without you.” Despair made my words rush out my mouth. “You won’t have to stay with us forever, not even a year.” I sounded desperate.

  Josh stepped back, shaking his head. “You’re delusional, Cassie, totally delusional” I lifted my fist in the air to argue my case but he didn’t give me the time. “I won’t let you wait for my decision any longer. One way or the other, start packing you things and book your ticket home.”

  My fist fell back down in line with my body. Josh moved forward until a three-yard gap separated us. My feet rooted to the sidewalk.

  He spun around. “But you’re right. I’ve got to do the right thing… which includes doing the right thing to the girl I love, the girl who’s ready to spend forever with me, not just next year.”

  And like that, he walked around the corner of the street and disappeared.

  My stomach hardened. I thought I knew jealousy, but I so did not. Jealousy wasn’t about hate or greed. It wasn’t violent. Jealousy was that gaping hole deep inside, empty of all the love they shared.

  fifteen

  Steep Hill ~ October, six years earlier.

  Josh.

  I’m late for practice. Second time this week and Coach isn’t going to let it fly.