No Reverse

by Marion Croslydon

  thirty-four

  Josh.

  Tonight definitely had an air of déjà-vu about it.

  Same field, same music, same people… same ice-cold beer. Except now we didn’t have to sneak it out of the house behind our parents’ backs. We were grown-ups. I almost choked on my beer. Watching the crowd move around, flirting, dancing, drinking, we still behaved like kids.

  I’d parked my truck so that it faced the fires around which my high school friends were goofing. The air I breathed was dry and smoky. I’d missed that smell. I leaned against the hood, my legs crossed at the ankles, sipping my first beer of the night, happy to be left on my own. I didn’t intend to get smashed like the last time I was here. A trip into the woods with Clarissa wasn’t in the cards either.

  I shook my head to cast away the memory. A lot of water had passed under the bridge since then. I still screwed up, but I’d be a better man from now on. I had my boy to keep happy and, hopefully, I’d make Lenor happy too. I bit the inside of my cheek. As much as she couldn’t be with me right now, I couldn’t be there for her either when the shit hit the fan with her family.

  I took another swift gulp of my Bud. Was I asking too much from her? Yes, she wanted a family with me. Yes, she wanted to be Lucas’s mom even if another woman had given birth to him. Lenor was so genuine in everything she did. I had to believe her on that one. That was what I loved about her.

  “Five long years but you finally made it back to Steep Hill.”

  I knew that voice too well.

  “What’s up Woodie?”

  I straightened up to face him. We used to be best friends, but again, so much time had passed, and I suspected he didn’t cherish my memory. He’d been at Cassie’s side each time I hadn’t.

  Cassie followed close behind. Yes, tonight definitely had an air of déjà vu about it.

  I held out my hand to Woodie. I half-expected him to ignore it. When he didn’t and I got a strong handshake instead, I felt strangely grateful to Cassie. However angry she might have been, she hadn’t turned our friend against me.

  “It’s good to see you, Wood.”

  He brought forward the bottle he held in his hand. I did the same with mine and they clinked. “Same here.”

  Then my eyes flickered away from Woodie to reach for Cassie.

  “Cass.” I nodded toward her. I couldn’t keep the smile from my face. “You look lovely.”

  Her eyes widened. I swore inside my head. Complimenting your ex-wife-to-be had to be a breach of etiquette. Because “divorced” was what we would officially be in a couple of weeks once the papers were all duly signed.

  “You look good too.” Cassie had never been into rules and etiquette anyway. “You’ve put your old clothes on.”

  I looked down at my hooded grey top, my most ancient pair of jeans and even more ancient sneakers. Mom had kept my old stuff, and my bedroom had become some kind of shrine to the glory of the prodigal son.

  Cassie came and stood next to me. “You look like yourself again.” She leaned against the hood of the car next to me and took a sip of her Coke.

  She looked like she always did. Tight white T-shirt, denim skirt and cowboy boots. Her hair fell over her shoulders, blond and wavy. Perfect.

  “I’ll leave the two of you to exchange fashion tips and check out the beer supply.” Woodie waved at us and strutted away. He wasn’t walking in a straight line.

  “How much has he had?” I asked.

  “Too much. We came in his truck but I’ll drive him back.” She scrunched up the tip of her nose. “He’s been a bit off since I came back.”

  It felt like Cassie was confiding in me. For the first time since our paths had crossed again, that crazy tension between us wasn’t there. I could still feel the electricity. I guessed it would always be there.

  “Any idea why?”

  “I’ve put the farm on the market. A realtor is coming tomorrow morning to appraise it.” She sipped on her Coke. “Woodie will be staying behind.”

  The news took me aback. To give me the time to process it, I fixed my attention on Woodie’s back while he high-fived Nichols, one of our old teammates.

  “So you’re finally turning the page on Steep Hill?” I’d failed to keep my voice neutral. She was turning the page on me, on us, on whatever we’d ever been.

  She didn’t acknowledge my question. Instead she flattened her free palm on the tailgate and lifted herself up onto it. I turned my back on the crowd and laid my forearms on the truck so that my hip almost touched the side of her knee. We were next to a crowd of people we’d known all our life. It was wrong to want Cassie the way I still did. But I did and, as long as I didn’t act upon it anymore, it was my secret to keep.

  “Where are you going?” Maybe she’d answer that question.

  But she didn’t. She was looking at me instead, her eyes roaming over my face. I stared back at her, at the way the firelight danced over her skin.

  I filled her silence. “You don’t want me to know.”

  “I don’t know what I want, Josh… I mean, I don’t know what I want for myself, for my tomorrow.”

  “What about music? Nashville?” Cassie deserved to go after her dream.

  “I’d love to sing again. Working a crowd, you know…” Her eyes didn’t meet mine. “I’m not expecting a big record deal or anything that crazy but just being on stage again, even in a smoky bar full of people knocking down some Jack.”

  “Then go for it, give yourself a chance, Cass. Give your dream a chance.”

  Damn, I sounded like a politician already.

  She stared at me skeptically. Seconds passed.

  “Thanks, Champ.” She straightened herself. “I needed to hear you say that. That it didn’t make me a bad person if I didn’t give up on music like I gave up on Lucas. I—”

  “—You didn’t give up on Lucas.” My fingers circled around her wrist. I just couldn’t let her say that, let her live the rest of her life thinking that about herself.

  But she shrugged. “What I do know is that you and Lenor need a clean slate to create a real family for him.”

  “Lucas adores you.” After the time the three of us had spent together over the last week, that much was clear to me. “Why would you drop from the face of the earth when you’re one of the only things he’s got left from the past?” When you are my past. “Plus that’s not fair to you. You know you can visit him. We’ve talked about this. Lenor agrees. I know it could be awkward, but…”

  Cassie slid her hand along the crook of my elbow. She had that resolve about her—a peace—I hadn’t seen before. “There’s no right way, Josh. Getting out of Lucas’s life might be a mistake. But I have to listen to my gut and give Eleanor a chance. She won’t become Lucas’s mom overnight. He’ll be adopting her as much she’ll adopt him. So will you.”

  “But you’ll be on your own.” With nobody to look after her. “Can you do me favor?”

  She nodded.

  “I need to know where you live, be it Nashville or anywhere else. I need to know you’re safe. Will you keep in touch?”

  The corner of her mouth lifted and her eyes twinkled. “What about that? I promise I’ll keep in touch better than you ever did.”

  “That’s not much of a benchmark,” I answered in defeat.

  She squeezed the inside of my elbow. “You’ll always know where I am and how to contact me. Lucas could have health problems, and I might be the only person able to help.” She’d thought of everything. “And maybe later on, when you’ve settled as a family, maybe I can see him again.” I didn’t miss the tremor in her voice.

  In the distance, I heard the first sounds of a guitar playing. You couldn’t have a bonfire without an acoustic guitar, could you? I shifted my body to the right. It was a micro-move, and I was pretty sure no one out there would notice. Cassie did, though. Her next breath was raspy and her gaze shot forward, away from my face. She stayed where she was.

  “You know what? Since there’s not going
to be another night like this one.” She waved the tip of her bottle of Coke between the two of us, then toward the party. “Let’s try and enjoy ourselves. Shoot the shit.”

  “So no divorce talk anymore?”

  “No divorce. No secret baby either.”

  I shrugged halfheartedly. “I was starting to get used to the soap opera.”

  “Come on, Champ, you have the rest of your life to watch them on TV.” She took another sip and I enjoyed watching her relax. It’d been so long since it’d been just the two of us.

  “I love that song of yours. The one you sang at The Turf.” She frowned. “The one about home.”

  “I wrote it a couple of months before Gran passed away. She’d already taken a turn for the worse and I had no idea how to make things better. Weird how being miserable can trigger creativity.” She stared absently into the night.

  “Steep Hill won’t be your home much longer.” I hoped I’d kept the bite out of my voice. Otherwise my little pep-talk about living your dream would have been for nothing. “You finally have your chance to get away.”

  She took two more sips of her Coke. We listened to the guitar and watched our high-school friends acting silly. A gasp of wind passed through the clearing. Next to me, Cassie shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. Without thinking, I unzipped my hoodie and rested it around her shoulders. She took hold of the collar and pulled it closer to her face. Etiquette or not, I might never have another chance to take care of her this way.

  She broke our silence. “I’m not sure I want to get away. I just know I have to.”

  “Why?” I wasn’t really pushing the conversation toward the light and shallow, like she’d wanted.

  “Because if I don’t, I won’t be able to let Lucas go.” Her eyes locked with mine. “To let you go.”

  Her words could have knocked me off my feet. I tried not to look down at her lips. I really tried, but each of her breaths stole mine from me. My head angled forward until my forehead rested against hers. Her eyes were shut. I tuned out the noise around us until the only sound left was my heartbeat. My crazy, wild heartbeat.

  “Don’t.” Her lips moved, almost one inch from mine. “Don’t spoil what we have left. What you have with Lenor.”

  I forced myself to swallow. I straightened up

  “Sorry.” I managed to say under my breath.

  “I baited you. I’m sorry too.”

  That was when an explosion of noise replaced the guitar. It came from Nichols’s truck. It took the guy a minute to lower the sound and tune in to something mainstream. And the song started playing. Our song. The one from our first time.

  This was going to be awkward. I cleared my throat and shuffled.

  Cassie giggled in a very un-Cassie way.

  I risked a sideways glance. She was really giggling, her hand now covering her mouth, and the awkwardness vanished. I burst into laughter. And it felt so damn good. So damn good to laugh with her.

  When our laughter died down, I relaxed, my back against the tailgate of my truck, my legs crossed at the ankles again. I finished my beer and set the bottle at my feet. When I stood back up, Cassie raised her hand, palm facing upwards. I looked down at it. I didn’t have to think long before my own palm lay on hers. Our fingers laced. I tried not to apply too much pressure. I brought our joined hands to my mouth, dropped a light kiss on hers and rested my forehead against it.

  We didn’t talk for the rest of the song, or for all those that followed. I tried just to listen to the music, just to feel her next to me. Maybe for the last time.

  thirty-five

  Cassie

  “I should check on Woodie.” I really didn’t want to, though.

  What I wanted was to stay next to Josh and listen to the music. My hand curled in his. Maybe for the last time.

  For the last time.

  “I’ll come with you.” He placed his hands on my waist and helped me get down from the tailgate of his truck.

  I leaned against him and wrapped my fingers around his forearms… longer than I needed to regain the balance I hadn’t lost. I let him nuzzle against the top of my head. I liked the feel of him. So much.

  We walked to where our high school friends were getting shit-faced. But they weren’t shit-faced enough to keep their eyes from raking over Josh and me. We’d been the biggest gossip of our class, by far.

  “Where the hell has he gone?” I mumbled to Josh.

  “I lost sight of him a while ago.”

  We’d lost sight of everyone and everything tonight.

  We looked back on where Woodie had parked his truck. Still there. “He couldn’t have gone far. Maybe that idiot is emptying his guts in the wood.”

  I waved to the girl who used to be our head cheerleader. I even gave her a smile. Josh started towards the trees. I got stuck behind. I couldn’t force my feet to go that way. My stomach jumped into my throat.

  “What’s up?” Josh looked concerned.

  “The last time I went there to look for you… I didn’t like what I found.”

  Which was him in her mouth.

  It was dark but I swear I saw Josh blush. He wrinkled his nose. “I made a fool of myself that night and I’m sorry you had to see it. I’ll go, Cass. You wait for me here.”

  I was being a wuss. “Wait.” I rushed after Josh and grabbed his hand.

  He welcomed me back to his side with a smile. He pulled me toward him and we passed the first line of trees. Suddenly, it was like someone had turned down the volume and switched the lights off.

  “Woodie!” I called.

  Josh’s voice echoed mine. “Yo, Woodie. Where’d you go?”

  I saw something move on my left. Not far at all. Breaking from Josh, I walked closer.

  “Woodie?” I hesitated. “Woodie?”

  There were muffled sounds until I saw two bodies split from each other. One tall. One much shorter. One boy. One girl.

  The tall one stepped toward me. “What are you guys doing here?”

  I didn’t have time to freak out or scream. “I was looking for you, idiot. Are you all right?”

  Woodie shrugged. “I can take care of myself.” He sounded more than a little pissed-off.

  Then I saw her. Alarm bells started ringing in my ears.

  God, NOT again.

  “Clarissa?” Josh was by my side.

  “What the fuck are you doing with her?” First Josh, now Woodie, I wanted to roar. “Why am I asking anyway?” I spat. “We’re on Clarissa’s hunting ground after all.”

  “Let it go Cassie.” Woodie ran his hand through his hair.

  “The hell I will. That midget whored her way into my life one too many times.”

  “Don’t use words like that about her.”

  Shit. I was now seeing fluorescent purple. “That’s always an asset in her line of work. She doesn’t have to go down much to perform.”

  Josh took hold of my shaking hand and squeezed it. “Calm down, Cassie.”

  “You’d better not get involved. You and she have quite a bit of history together.”

  “Don’t be a bitch, Cassie. That’s different. Clarissa and I, we’re together.” In one move, Woodie had pulled that thing against him.

  My mouth opened wide. He had to be joking.

  “Let’s get back to the party.” Josh’s fingers intertwined with mine. He was trying to distract me but it wasn’t working.

  Why?

  Because I was taken back to that moment five years ago when I’d found him with her. When all I held precious had been trampled into the dirt by that skank. But the truth was that I had lost Josh the day I left him, not when he tried to live his life afterwards. Woodie had to live his life too.

  My guilt softened my anger. “How long’s this been going on?”

  Woodie gave me another shrug. “Since Christmas.”

  “Christmas.”

  And I hadn’t seen anything. He hadn’t told me anything. I slapped my thigh. That was when I paid attention to how she rea
djusted her skirt. How she kept her eyes down. How she snuggled against Woodie. That wasn’t how she behaved back in high school. People did grow and change. Clarissa might have. Hopefully I had too.

  Josh’s thumb caressed the inside of my hand. His touch untangled the mess inside me.

  I managed to whisper. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because you’d have gone apeshit,” Woodie answered. “Just like now. And because I didn’t want you to be nasty to her. I love her.”

  I shook my head. Woodie was in love and I had no idea. He was my best friend. He had been with me every step of the way. Every high. Every low.

  “Sorry.” I covered my face with my free hand. “I let you down.”

  I deserved to stew in my guilt. He didn’t let me. “You had a lot on your plate, Cass.”

  “I’ll take her home.” That was Josh talking about me. “Clarissa, can you drive Wood’s truck? He’s had too much to drink.”

  “No problem.” She still had that same nasal voice, and it still grated on my nerves.

  Josh turned me around and forced-marched me back to the party. I walked like a zombie. When I made it back inside Josh’s truck for the first time in five years, the smell of the leather seats made me feel home. Still, I was lost in a fog. We’d driven at least a mile when Josh pulled me out of it.

  “I was an asshole that night. I wanted to make you pay.”

  I grabbed my bare knees and squeezed them hard. I so didn’t want to go there.

  “We’re cool,” I managed to say through the lips I kept tight. “That was a long time ago.”

  “Not long enough. You still have hang-ups about Clarissa.”

  “Hang-ups?”

  That was loud enough for Josh to stop watching the road and check on me.

  “It’s obviously still affecting you.”

  “Affecting me?” Maybe I could stop the echo. “I found the father of my one-month old son getting his dick serviced backstage by the school slut. So, yeah, it affected me.” I added the quote marks with my fingers while saying the word. “I still have hang-ups.”

  Josh’s hands tightened around the steering wheel and his head angled forward as it always did when he was pissed off.