by Reason of Sanity

by Gene Grossman

  My luggage fits neatly into one carry-on bag. All you need in Maui is shorts, tee shirts and underwear, so it’s really easy to travel there. I’ve been paying all my bills with a credit card that gives air miles, so I’ve accumulated enough of them to upgrade to first class. And why not? This is the way that a Grand Banks 50 owner should travel.

  Once we’re at thirty thousand feet, I notice that my carry-on bag has a swelling in it. I remove the two puffed-up separately packaged Hostess Cupcakes. The difference in air pressure between on the ground and up here has caused the packages to inflate like balloons. I brought them along because I wasn’t sure that they’d have room on the plane to upgrade me. Now that I’m in first class, I feel a little silly having brought a snack along. Some of the other first class passengers give me one of those ‘my goodness, they’ll let anyone fly first class nowadays’ looks.

  The food and service are both pretty good up here and you have a lot more legroom, but it’s still a multi-ton metal plane up in the air. When I’m on the Grand Banks, I feel comfortable knowing that wood naturally floats. Metal doesn’t naturally fly.

  Fortunately, it’s a beautiful flight and I get the usual lei around my neck when we land. A rented Chrysler PT Cruiser is waiting for me at the airport. I could have arranged for a Hummer, but there are too many small parking lots to negotiate in Lahaina and the PT will do just fine for me to take Myra around to the restaurants and other places of interest.

  After a pleasant forty-minute drive from the airport, I reach the Pioneer Inn. Once at the registration desk, I make sure to let the guy know that if an attractive woman wants to get into my room while I’m not there, he should absolutely allow it. He hesitates and tells me that it’s against the rules to let anyone but the registered person into a room. Ten seconds and ten dollars later, he agrees that it’s okay. I tell him that her name is Myra and that she’s my wife. He couldn’t care less. He says that he’ll be working late tonight, so when I return at eleven this evening, he’ll give me a ‘thumbs up’ sign if she arrived and he let her into the room. That was a nice touch the way she tried to make me believe she wouldn’t be coming for another day or so.

  Now that everything’s taken care of at the hotel, it’s time to trot across the street to the Lahaina Yacht Club. I’ve been carrying my plastic membership card in my pocket for the last week getting ready for this mom nt. I flash it at the door and sign in, handing my credit card to the bartender and tell him to start running a tab for me – but to collect for tomorrow night’s dinner from my guest. That’s part of our deal from the Blitzstien trial.

  I now have the rest of the day to relax, thro w away a couple of hundred dollars getting monogrammed Lahaina Yacht Club items from the gift shop and schmooze with other yacht club members as we all sit there, watch the sunset and get wasted on the club’s balcony that overhangs the Pacific Ocean.

  Several of the members ask me if I’ve got a n appointment somewhere because I’m looking at my watch so often. It finally dawns on me that I forgot to reset the time. Hawaii is two hours behind Los Angeles, so it’s now an extra two more hours until I get to be alone with Myra.

  The food is great, the drinks are great, and the company is great, so the time passes by quickly. Boaters from all over the world belong to the club, so there’s always someone like me visiting the Island, and plenty of interesting cruising stories about other countries.

  The sunset is beautiful, and after din ner I decide to voluntarily cut myself off from any more booze. I want to be able to remember this evening. I’m glad it’s after ten in the evening because I’ve looked at my watch so many times, I think I’ve developed carpal tunnel syndrome.

  It’s now ten minutes to eleven and I can’t wait any longer. I’m walking back to the Pioneer Inn and if the guy at the desk doesn’t give me a ‘thumbs up’ sign, I’m going back to the club and drinking myself to death.

  I slowly walk into the lobby. The guy behind the registration desk sees me, winks, and gives me the long-awaited thumbs up. Great! I walk a little quicker now, and almost break off the key as I open the room’s door. It’s dark in the room, but the moonlight brings in just enough light for me to make out a form on the bed. Just what I’ve been waiting for

  – something warm, wet, and breathing hard.

  I don’t waste any time, quickly dropping my shorts and almost ripping my shirt as I pull it up over my head. I jump into the bed and grab what’s waiting for me - the Saint Bernard.

  27

  Imust have had too much to drink at the club. This can’t be happening. Maybe the plane crashed and I’m actually dead right now. This must be the

  afterlife, because there’s no way that this can be a real dog. I turn on the light. I am not dead. Maybe I wish I was, but I’m not. This is Bernie, Suzi’s dog, and he’s got a message in his collar.

  M ore than two thousand miles away and the kid still manages to send me dog-mail. It’s a note from Myra.

  P eter Darling:

  Suzi saw your travel brochures, and when I

  learned how much she’d like to see the island, I arranged for her and Bernie to fly over with me. They wouldn’t let Bernie stay with us here at the Kapalua Ritz-Carlton, so we thought that you wouldn’t mind him staying with you. We’ve hired a limo for the next few days, so we’ll pick you up tomorrow morning for breakfast.

  It happened again. Just as I’m about to achieve my dream moment, I wake up. Just North of Lahaina is the very nice resort area Kaanapali, where most of the Island’s beachfront condos are. If you go another few miles to the Northern tip of the Island, you reach the superrich Kapalua area where the golf courses, million dollar estates and expensive hotels are. I’m sure that Myra’s spending about four hundred a night for the room she and Suzi are staying in, and that doesn’t count the greens fees she’ll have to lay out to play on the hotel’s fifty-four champion-ship hole golf course.

  Maybe that’s the way it should be. The millionairesses are staying at the Ritz Carlton and I’m staying here with the dog.

  EPILOGUE

  Our vacation in Maui was a lot more fun than I thought that any period of celibacy could be. I rented an electric cart for Suzi that’s identical to the one she has at the Marina. She took the huge dog, put on her ‘Bubba Gump Shrimp’ tee shirt and drove that thing all over the Island, becoming an instant icon. Every tourist and shop-owner wanted to meet her, and after the second day, she was forced to drive with only one hand so that the other was free to wave at her fans. She probably had enough conversations to last her until we return here next year, so she won’t have to have any with me until then. Her annual quota of Peter talk has already been used up. She liked Maui so much that I think she’s considering buying some property there. I hope she’ll let me stay with her once in a while.

  Of course as expected, Myra won the election in a landslide. Her only remaining opponent didn’t have the courtesy to concede and congratulate her, so Myra probably won’t return any courtesy by giving that candidate’s drug-legalization demands much thought. When I stopped by the office to say hello one day, I noticed that Seymour’s old lunch-date law student wasn’t there any more. He’ll probably be on the Governor’s staff in another year or so.

  Myra offered to bring me in as a consultant o n an occasional insurance fraud case, but I told her we’d probably be better off not associating. There are too many people out there waiting to take pot shots at her and giving a consulting contract to her exhusband would be just too damn convenient for them.

  The new love of my life is now sitting in our slip. A fifty-foot Grand Banks Trawler Yacht. Stuart, Vinnie and Olive all helped the Asian boys move our stuff. When we returned from the Island, we boarded our new home and had a grand first night dinner. Suzi hired Sally the sign painter to put the name on the back of the boat. Like the last one, this is the ‘Suzi B,’ which is probably much better than our second choice of ‘the Peter S.’

  Now that we’ve got this beautiful new yacht, I decide t
o show it off a little. I owe that female reporter Hedy a dinner, so using my brand new pasta recipe I entertained her on the boat. She enjoyed the service so much that she stayed for breakfast too. I think I’ve given new meaning to the phrase ‘manipulating the press.’ She’ll be a good contact to have every time I decide to give one of my ‘outside the courthouse’ performances. Nothing helps a bad case more than good press - there’s a famous dream team that will attest to that adage.

  Charles Indovine and I are on the ‘do not invite to the same party list,’ but he still assigns a case to me every once in a while, just to keep Uniman Insurance happy.

  The only interesting new thing going o n in my life now is a client that came in the other day. He was referred by Stuart and told me the most amazing things about a situation he’s involved in. If I decide to take his case, it will no doubt be the most interesting adventure I’ve ever been involved with… but that’s another story. I see that a message is coming in by dog-mail, so it must be time for me to go back to work.

  Yesterday the kid told me that a man walked by and said hello to her, on his way to that big boat on the end tie. I asked her if it was George Clooney, but she didn’t know. When I inquired about his appearance, her answer was “he was old… like you.”

  The Peter Sharp Legal Mystery Series

  #1: Single Jeopardy

  Attorney Peter Sharp has been wrongfully suspended from the practice of law and thrown out of the house by his soon-to-be ex-wife, a newly appointed deputy district attorney. As a result of the eviction, he’s forced to live in their back yard on an old, poorly wired, 40-foot Chris Craft cabin cruiser he’s restoring, that is in danger of burning up at any time.

  To make matters worse, as the result of tryi ng to help someone fill out some claim forms, he gets arrested for conspiracy to defraud an insurance company. His alleged co-conspirator, a man charged with murdering his own wife to be with a beautiful flight attendant, is about to discover that Peter is also sleeping with her while the man is out of town.

  As Peter fights to get his law license reinstated, he discovers the secrets behind two murders, a fatal plane crash, and who framed him with the State Bar - all with the help of his legal ward Suzi, an adorable, quiet (at least to Peter) twelveyear-old Chinese girl and her huge Saint Bernard.

  Peter also gets involved in matters concerning sexual harassment, vexatious litigation, double jeopardy, and a groundbreaking case of Negligent Nymphomania.

  #2: …By Reason of Sanity

  In his second Adventure, Attorney Peter Sharp gets retained to defend a man accused of capital murder. The only things making this case a little harder to defend than most others are that the client’s acts were captured on videotape, he confessed to the police, and he wants to plead guilty. To make matters worse, the District Attorney’s office has brought in a special prosecutor for the trial: Peter’s ex-wife Myra.

  While he’s preparing for trial on the murder case, Peter is also hired to represent an insurance company, to defend it against a man who slipped and fell while inside a bank that was coincidentally robbed later that same day. Peter thinks the case would have died when the claimant was murdered, but at usual, he’s wrong.

  In this adventure, while Peter is involved

  representing Vinnie, the prolific, peeing

  pornographer, he also helps solve several bank robberies by catching the entire gang, and makes the acquaintance of a new friend who runs an autopsy store - all with the help of his legal ward, the adorable twelve-year-old Suzi and her huge Saint Bernard.

  3: A Class Action

  In his third Adventure, Attorney Peter Sharp is retained to represent a man accused of murder, by the planting of bombs in vehicles. The client is also suspected of being part of a conspiracy to assassinate the President of the United States in an upcoming Fourth of July parade.

  With the assistance of his legal ward

  Suzi, Peter cracks the case, identifies the real murderer, and at the same time solves the mystery of a dead body found in his friend Stuart’s automobile trunk… all while falling for a lesbian lawyer, winning a Will contest, breaking up a stolen car ring 4,000 miles away, and battling with his ex-wife, who has been elected to the office of District Attorney.

  In the adventure’s finale, Suzi miraculously manag es to get ‘Bernie,’ her huge Saint Bernard into a courtroom, where she makes her first official court appearance, holds her first press

  conference, and becomes a local television hero.

  #4: “Conspiracy of Innocence”

  Suzi on ce again saves Peter’s case by finding the connection between two crimes that allegedly took place in different parts of the State, one of which Peter was arrested for. And once again, Peter falls for a woman who he thinks could really ‘be the one’ this time.

  Peter’s ex-wife Myra must make the decision as t o whether or not she should resign from prosecution of a case in which she may have a conflict of interest – Peter’s murder charge.

  Everyone including Peter is sitting on the edge of their chairs as this double murder mystery comes to a shocking conclusion that involves a mafia hit man, revengeful drug dealers, a local police chief, and the ever-popular FBI.

  #5: …Until Proven Innocent

  Tony Edwards, A dock neighbor of Peter’s, is charged with murder. Unfortunately, he is a suspended police officer with a known dislike for people who are the color of his alleged victim. He’s also the subject of many citizen complaints for using excessive force in the minority community.

  At Suzi’s request, Tony has taught her h ow to help him re-load his target practice ammunition, also giving the little girl a basic course in ballistics.

  When a local black movie producer who Tony was working for gets killed, Suzi and talks Peter into handling Tony’s defense… which doesn’t look too good because he was arrested at the scene of the murder with his gun still smoking.

  Along the way, Peter once again gets involved with who he thinks might be ‘Miss Right,’ represents a 500-pound woman who is being discriminated against, uncovers a white supremist militant organization, and also stumbles onto a group of people who are pirating DVD copies of recently released major motion pictures.

  P eter’s ex-wife, District Attorney Myra Scot, makes a mistake when she subpoenas little Suzi to come and testify as a prosecution witness against the defendant, Suzi’s friend Tony.

  After what Suzi does to solve the mystery and destroy Myra’s case in court, everyone knows that the District Attorney’s office will never subpoena Suzi again.

  #6: The Common Law

  Peter Sharp encounters a client with amnes ia, who not only can’t tell Peter what his own name is, but who also has absolutely no recollection of the crime he is charged with committing. In lieu of his memory, Peter’s obtains video surveillance footage that establishes his client’s guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

  The usual crew also gets involved, including Peter’s close friend Stuart, Jack Bibberman the investigator, Laverne the ‘amorous houseboat lady’, and Stuart’s employees Vinnie and Olive – who are having some disagreement as to whether or not they’re legally married; and last but not least, little Suzi B. and her big Saint Bernard.

  and her big Saint Bernard.

  foot Grand Banks trawler yacht in Marina del Rey, California… the vessel that Peter still doesn’t know how to drive. As in past adventures, all involved continue to visit the local haunts. One way or another each of Peter’s cases winds up being a conflict with his ex-wife Myra, who is the county’s chief prosecutor. He also may be more closely involved with FBI Special Agent in Charge Bob Snell than before, as they share a dangerous high-speed situation on a winding road.

  Suzi’s new friend Lotus and her mother also play an interesting part in this adventure as Peter finds that he is fighting a ring of credit-card fraud experts.

  7: The Magician’s Legacy

  Little Suzi has decided that she wants to study magic in this eighth legal adventure she part
icipates in. Unfortunately, her teacher is the main suspect in what appears to be an ‘impossible’ crime… the shooting of a man in his com letely locked ‘safe room.’

  In order for Suzi to clear her magic teacher of liability for this crime, she must convince Peter to handle the case, which he does under one condition: Suzi must help him by solving the mystery of this locked-room murder.

  Her task is made difficult because all events took place in a secure ‘panic room,’ with steel doors in place, and no windows. Somehow, the alleged murderer is believed to have committed the crime and successfully escaped from a room that could only later be opened by a crew using blowtorches.

  Suzi is especially m otivated to solve this enigma when she learns that an attorney who she dislikes may be involved.

  The Magician’s Legacy may be the most baffling locked-room murder mystery of this century.

  #8:The Reluctant Jurist

  There’s a mini flu epidemic going around in Los Angeles and it has especially taken its toll among Superior Court Judges in Santa Monica, who all seem to have been infected at the same conference they attended.

  Peter has been ‘drafted’ to fill in as a temporary judge for some civil matters, but winds up getting stuck hearing a big criminal trial involving a devious attorney as the defendant… the same attorney who Peter crossed swords with in a previous situation.

  Suspense enters the picture when Peter’s legal ward Suzi fails to appear as guest of honor at her own birthday party, and every local state and Federal peace officer in California wants to locate her.