“That she cared about you,” Leah said.
It was all so obvious now. What a fool I was. “Yeah. Half the time we were in a coked-out haze, but I was falling for her. More like I was clinging to her, so I let it mean what I wanted it to. We were spending less and less time together; production was working us both way too much, and we were partying all the time because our reality was so shitty we had to do something to make it go away.
“I came home one morning and the apartment was trashed. Kim was screaming at the top of her lungs. Only reason the neighbors didn’t call the cops, I think, is because they were already at work.
“‘How could you do this to me?’ was the first thing she said once she stopped screaming.
“I was like ‘what the fuck are you talking about?’ She started throwing things at me. ‘I’m pregnant, you son of a bitch,’ she said.
“The first thing I said was, ‘that fucking kid’s not mine.’ I’ll regret those words for the rest of my life.”
Leah listened with her lips parted. I wasn’t sure if it was shock or disgust. “How could you know? I mean, if it was yours. It sounds like you were both with a lot of people.”
“Exactly. It might not have been the best place to work, but they made sure we were clean and tested all the time. If we weren’t, we were out. Zero tolerance policy. So we had to be careful, wherever we were. But Kim and I were stupid. We knew the other one was clean, and half the time, we were too fucked up to know what we’d really done. She threw herself at me, beating on my chest, pulling my hair, telling me that she’d been faithful to me—which meant something very different to us—and there was no way the baby could’ve belonged to anyone else. Remember, she was keeping a roof over my head, I was blowing my money faster than I could make it. The truth of the matter was, I thought I was in love with her.”
Leah drew in a long breath. “So what happened?”
“I apologized, and I thought that fixed everything. Kim quit the business. We picked out baby names, but we never made firm plans for the future. We did our best to stay clean. She had family nearby, and they wanted to get her away from me. I don’t think she ever admitted that she did the movies, but she told them I did. All they knew was their fucked-up daughter got knocked up by a porn star. You can probably guess how much they liked me. But the thing was, I wanted to make it right. I wanted the kid. I’d been able to separate fucking and feelings from the very beginning. I wanted to try to get back into school, for something I cared about that time, and be a dad.
“It wasn’t the drugs that made Kim crazy. Or maybe it was. I have no fucking idea. She started spewing a bunch of nonsense at me, that the baby and I would be condemned by everyone. I told her that was impossible. That pissed her off more. She kicked me out of the apartment when she was seven months pregnant or so. The due date changed every time I talked to her, and she kept making less and less sense. So many lies, I thought I was the crazy one. I tried to talk to her mother, because Kim needed help, but she’d hang up on me or call the cops when I showed up at her house. Which didn’t work in my favor.
“Kim called me around the due date. I could hear a baby crying in the background. She said she made sure that I’d never see my son because she put another man’s name on the birth certificate. But she knew he was mine. That he looked like me. I tried to go see her, but she had a restraining order put against me. Said I’d held a gun to her head when she was pregnant and she feared for her life. No fucking way. Once things started going sour with her, I started partying again, doing anything to make the pain go away. I had no money. By the time I got a lawyer to talk to me, he advised that under the circumstances, even if I took a paternity test, I wouldn’t get custody. He thought I should let it go.”
Leah’s eyes were shiny, but no tears fell. I didn’t want her to cry for my pathetic, fucked-up excuse for fatherhood. I’d let that kid down in so many ways I couldn’t count them anymore. All I could do was be better this time. “How could you?” she asked.
My breath caught in my throat. “How could I what?” It could’ve meant a lot of things.
“Let it go. I mean, my news today wasn’t a huge surprise, now that I really think about it. You know when there’s something inside you that’s going to have a heartbeat. And I would assume there’s some pull as a father, too.”
I nodded. I’d known something was different about Leah.
“If you knew in your heart that he was your son, or even if you planned to treat him that way, then you should’ve had that chance,” she said.
“Every time I heard from her, I thought I could break through. She’d dangle a carrot in front of my face then snatch it away. Tell me a little bit about him, and finish it with I’d never see him. I said fuck the lawyer, I’m filing the paternity case. But she moved so many times, I didn’t know where to file it. Sometimes I wasn’t sure there even was a kid. That’s how fucked up she was.
“I gave up. I stopped doing the movies, and I started working for Barry. It was actually a godsend. Barry wouldn’t put up with the partying and the other garbage. We were expected to be gentlemen. Have our shit together. To be honest, he probably saved my life. A couple years later, I tried to find Kim again. I could afford a lawyer and I wasn’t a fucked-up kid anymore. But we had a hard time following any leads, and he said my case was weak because I’d waited too long. With my history, even if I was the father, my chances of getting visitation were slim. And he told me that I should let it go. That time, I did.”
Numbness spread over my body. I’d never let it go. Every time I saw a little boy that would be my son’s age, I thought of him. Where he was, what he’d be doing that very minute. If he had a dad or if he hated me for not being what I so desperately wanted to be for him.
I hadn’t noticed Leah get up, but she rubbed my back. I didn’t deserve her comfort. Even she couldn’t make this better. “You didn’t let it go,” she said.
“No. I didn’t. The worst part is have no idea why she did it. Everything was good—or as good as it could be under the circumstances—until she found out about the baby. Then it was like being locked in a room with a ticking bomb. I vowed I’d keep my heart to myself so that would never happen to me again.”
Leah slipped her arms around me and rocked me like I was the kid. I couldn’t look at her. I’d never told anyone about my son. Not my parents, not Zach, not Barry. Only the lawyers, who insisted he wasn’t worth it.
They’d been wrong. I gave up because it would’ve cost me my sanity.
“Do you know his name?” she asked.
I nodded. “Jacob.” Saying his name out loud for the first time in years ripped my heart to pieces.
“How old is he?”
I didn’t have an exact answer for her. It was probably better that I didn’t know his birthday. “Ten.”
“There’s nothing I can do to make that better for you, but if there was, I’d do it. I’d move Heaven and Earth to find Jacob for you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You fought for your son. I hope you’re not the only one who did. All I can tell you is that I love you, and it won’t be like that this time.”
“I know.” A part of me was afraid to believe it.
Leah ran her fingers lightly over my cheek and I was drawn in by the sheer magnetic pull of her touch. She held my face in her hands.
I expected her to run as far away from me as she could. Take the baby with her. There was no guarantee I’d learned from history, especially since I wasn’t sure what the lesson was supposed to be. I’d do my damnedest not to repeat it.
She studied my face, almost like she’d never seen it before. “Marry me.”
I kissed her because it was my answer for all of the times I couldn’t trust myself to not fuck up the moment. When I should have said, I love you too, or in this case, fuck yes.
“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” I asked as we separated.
Leah laughed. “Is that a yes? Because if it is, we can do that until the end of time.”
>
She still fucking believed in me.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Why not? Because you took a chance and cared about someone who has no idea what she threw away? I did the same thing, Jagger. I spent too much time with someone who told me I didn’t matter. He wasn’t afraid to smack me around if he didn’t think he was getting his point across.” I fucking knew it. “But always behind closed doors. Rich was too smart, and he knew exactly how to make me look like the crazy one, and how to get people to tell me to calm down, it wasn’t that bad. Even at Christmas. He lied to me, and my mother insisted I played nice. I’m not trying to compete with your heartache. I can’t imagine living that nightmare. If anyone ever took Raven away from me . . . ” She shook her head, her mouth sealed in a hard, angry line. “Why did you wait so long to tell me?”
“I wanted to. It’s not something to bring up over drinks or dinner.”
“Of course not.” Leah stepped in closer. I needed the heat of her body to melt all the ugly stuff away. “But you don’t have to suffer alone anymore.”
Another kiss. “I love you,” I said, but that wasn’t all. “I’ve always been afraid that Kim took that away from me, that I’d reach a certain point with someone and it would all go to shit. That I wasn’t capable of feeling this way.”
“Let it happen.” The unshed tears were back in Leah’s eyes. “You might be surprised.”
I wanted her to prove me wrong every day for the rest of my life. “Does your offer still stand?”
The smile that spread over her face erased so much of my pain. Not all of it. But enough to make me believe I wouldn’t let her down. “Until the end of time,” she said.
“Funny thing about that.” I whispered against her lips. “That’s how long I want to be with you.”
Chapter Eight
Leah
I barely slept all night. Jagger’s story flickered in shadows, a true nightmare, but my subconscious put its own special twist on it. All night, in fits of sleep, I dreamed about being able to hear Jagger but not being able to find him. I’d jump awake, relieved that he was next to me. But I wasn’t given the same comfort when the image flipped to Raven. I wanted to call her, to make sure she was okay, but it was the middle of the night. My next attempt at sleep ushered in a dream about Jagger telling me he’d lost our baby. Rich was in it too, always laughing at me.
Once the sun came up, I gave up. Shannon and I had plans to meet for brunch, so I had some time. A walk along the beach would do wonders to clear my head.
Jagger slept peacefully. I tiptoed past and looked back at him. I considered asking him to come with me, but he was finally getting rest. I couldn’t imagine carrying that weight around, having such heartbreaking news on the tip of his tongue and thinking he’d lose even more if he told anyone, or asked for comfort.
Twenty-four hours ago, I didn’t know I was pregnant. Twelve hours ago, I wasn’t sure if I’d go through with it. And I never expected to ask Jagger Holiday to be my husband. Now, as the sun hit my face, I couldn’t imagine it turning out any other way.
I walked until I found a coffee shop, letting my plan take shape. I couldn’t float around in the clouds anymore, it was time to get down to business. So many people depended on it. The baby. Shannon. And Jagger.
“Still a morning person, huh?” Kari groaned when she answered the phone. “I dragged my ass to hot yoga, and I’m pretty sure I melted. I’ll be a big pile of goo in the office.”
I laughed. Kari doing yoga was an oxymoron. Relaxation wasn’t her thing. She’d started a new job with a private firm, making twice as much money as she had for the government. “That’s called Zen. It’s good for you. It will help you find the answers your clients need.”
“Since you didn’t call me to be my long-distance fortune cookie, what’s up? Did you tell Jagger? It went okay, right?”
“Yeah.” I took a deep breath. I couldn’t assign an adjective to last night. Too many things happened to try to boil it down to one word. So I went for broke. “How much information do you need to find someone?”
“As much as possible obviously makes it easier.”
“I don’t have much.”
She hesitated. It wasn’t often I could render my best friend speechless. “Leah, what’s going on?”
I told Kari every lurid detail of Jagger’s story. It probably wouldn’t have the same effect secondhand, over the phone. She wouldn’t be able to see the raw, naked pain on Jagger’s face, or look deep into his eyes and watch his heart rip into pieces. Or feel him stiffen under my touch like he didn’t think he deserved to have his side of the story heard.
That fucking bitch. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to let him go.
“Wow,” Kari said with a gasp. “That’s a special brand of fucked up. But I need more than that. There are probably hundreds of ten-year-old boys named Jacob with moms named Kim in Southern Florida. If they’re even there anymore.”
I knew that was the answer all along. “How can I find out without asking Jagger? If this doesn’t work—” or went badly, “—I don’t want him to get his hopes up. He’s had enough heartbreak when it comes to her. He can’t take anymore.”
“He said they starred in those movies together? There must be a database for adult movies online. See if you can find him. Maye it will list the casts of the movies. Look to see if the same actress comes up frequently. But that might not be her real name, either. If you can get me a full name, I can do a lot more than should be legally possible. I’ll pull some favors from my private investigator friends. It won’t be cheap. But I have to warn you—don’t get your hopes up.”
“It’s like a needle in a haystack. I know.”
“It’s not that.” Kari hesitated. She never had anything good to say if she couldn’t spit it out. “The story is pretty unbelievable. I’ve never had a client come to me with that circumstance, but I can’t imagine telling them to forget about their kid. Of course, men and women deal with things differently. But think of all the shit Rich put you through, and you never thought of taking Raven away from him.”
“Yes, I did.” Many times. “I never thought I could pull it off.”
“Would you have really taken your daughter away from her father?”
It sounded awful when she said it like that, putting me on equal footing with this Kim person. It took so much to get me to my breaking point. I hated myself for wondering what Kim’s side of the story was. “I moved Raven almost five hundred miles away from him. Trust me when I say it wasn’t enough.”
“I can’t pretend to understand motherhood. But I do understand why a mother would protect her child. Rich drove you to the edge, remember that.”
She was doing that thing again, where she forgot to hide how much she didn’t like Jagger. “Let’s not make Jagger the villain in his own story until we have reason to. Remember innocent until proven guilty, Attorney Gomez?”
Now wasn’t the time to tell her about the marriage proposal.
Kari sighed, but I knew better than to expect an apology. “If we find these two, you could uncover some things you wished you didn’t know. Remember that.”
**
Jagger startled me when he popped up from the bedroom floor. He laughed when I screamed. “I was doing crunches, and I heard you come in,” he said.
He exercised a lot, which I reaped the rewards of on the regular, and I’d noticed it was his go-to activity when he was nervous or frustrated. Under the circumstances, he could be doing much worse things, but I knew something wasn’t quite right.
Kari’s voice rang in my head. There were too many of them in there today, and all of them were haunting me.
“What are you doing home?” I pressed myself against his bare chest to try to calm my panicked heart.
“I called Claudia and asked her to watch the gallery today. I’m taking the day off.”
I frowned. “I’m taking Shannon to meet Claire. I’m glad Shannon will be with me, in case things get a lit
tle weird with meeting with one of your former clients. We’ve got to do it today. I’ve got to show Shannon I’ve actually got a business, and Claire, well, that I actually have a business. It’s all about perception at this stage of the game.”
He was still grinning. “You’ll be great. I want to take the bike out. There’s a couple places I’ve been meaning to check out. I follow a couple of urban exploration blogs and one of them just featured a place about an hour from here. So I’ll be back tonight.”
That was the other way he figured things out, by taking pictures. Now I understood Jagger’s obsession with things that had been abandoned, and why he wouldn’t let them be forgotten. “I hope you find something good.”
“Me too.” His hand slipped under my T-shirt. My skin was still dewy from my walk. Miami wasted no time turning up the heat. “I’m headed into the shower. Come with me?” he asked.
I loved that sometimes we answered each other with a kiss. It said more than yes or no or thank you. Sometimes it was the easiest way to say I believe in you or I need you like I need to breathe. I didn’t want things to change, now that we’d come so far from being client and hired gun. I was going to be Jagger’s wife. For all the romantic things that implied, like forever, I also knew that the promise came with no guarantees.
We got caught in the doorway to the bathroom, pulling at each other’s clothes between kisses. Jagger’s fingers were in my hair and he pulled my head to the side so he could kiss my neck. I held on the doorframe for balance, my head still spinning from last night.
Jagger tugged on the strap of my sports bra. “Do these things really help?”
“They actually keep the girls in while I exercise, but nothing makes jumping jacks tolerable.”
“Didn’t think so.” Jagger’s face lit up. Every part of him was on fire. And I thought the sun was the hottest thing I’d come in contact with that morning. “Get rid of it.”
No need to tell me twice. I wriggled out of the thing and ducked under his arm, stepping out of my shorts before turning on the shower. Jagger leaned against the doorframe. While I’d completed my not-so-sexy striptease, he’d done the same. I’d never get sick of looking at him. Good thing I signed up to do it for the long run.
Ties That Bind (The Escort, #3) Page 5
