razorsedge

by Lisanne Norman

  “I brought some coffee over with the supplies last week. Would you like some?” he asked, looking at her across the counter.

  “If I do, are you going to tell me that it’s too late to take me back and we’ll have to stay the night?”

  He smiled sadly. “No, Carrie. We can leave any time you wish.”

  “Then, yes.” She could trust him. He was a person of his word. For a moment, she watched him set about finding mugs and the coffee, and then turned her attention to the rest of the room.

  It was built on two levels. The one they were in, the lower, was the lounge. The decor was simple and uncluttered. Walls and ceiling were a warm off-white, and the floor was covered with a practical brown-and-gray marled carpet. A low, round table, a couple of easy chairs, and a pile of floor cushions completed the main furnishings.

  His work desk was set against the wall by the entrance. Opposite was a niche in which sat a small statue of Vartra with the traditional blue glass candle holder in front of it. A recessed shelf unit below it looked intriguing, and she moved away from the window to look at it.

  On her way, she glanced over to the higher level. From floor to ceiling, narrow vertical blinds, open at this time, acted as a room divider. Beyond them she could make out his bed. Unconsciously, she quickened her pace.

  Kaid sighed. Gods, she was as skittish as a virgin! Then he smiled wryly to himself. He was no better right now. Why was she afraid of him? He’d done nothing he could think of to cause her to be like this. Still concerned, he began to pour the coffee.

  There wasn’t much on the unit. A comp pad, a reader and half a dozen cartridges for it, and a piece of the carved blue-white crystal in the form of a crouching chiddoe. She picked it up, feeling the smoothness of the workmanship. He might have a home, but Kaid hadn’t set down roots no matter how many years he’d lived there. There were none of the knickknacks that most people accumulated over a lifetime.

  Then help me grow some roots. The thought was faint, so faint she couldn’t be sure she’d heard it. She frowned, looking round. Had it been him or her imagination? He was carrying the drinks into the lounge now.

  She sighed, wanting this to be over, wishing she’d never agreed to come with him in the first place. When they’d been together at Noni’s, she hadn’t felt this nervous with him. He’d been ill then, weakened by the injuries inflicted on him by Fyak and Ghezu. Now he felt and looked totally different— just as he’d said he was in the temple. Replacing the ornament, she moved over to the table where he was setting down her mug. She sat opposite him, her mind suddenly made up.

  “Look, maybe you were right. Maybe we should just let what was between us die, especially if you’re that unhappy…”

  “No!” Then quieter, as he leaned toward her. “No, I don’t want that, Carrie. I was wrong. What I said was wrong.”

  “I don’t think you know what you want!”

  “I know what I don’t want. When you left me in the temple…” He stopped, remembering vividly how he’d felt.

  “I can’t go through this again, Kaid!”

  “It won’t happen again. How could it?”

  “I didn’t expect it to happen at all after what we shared at Noni’s, what we said to each other in the Margins!”

  She was slipping away from him, he could feel it, and he didn’t know what to do or say. “I want you to stay, Carrie. You want me, too, or you wouldn’t have come out to Stronghold. I’m not going to let you go.”

  His intensity suddenly frightened her. This was no youth of Kusac’s age, this was a mature male, someone used to getting what he wanted.

  She stood up, praying he wouldn’t see how badly her legs were trembling. “You said you’d take me back when I wanted. I want to leave now, Kaid.”

  Time slowed, crystallizing around him. “If that’s what you really want,” he heard himself saying as he rose. “There’s nothing I can say to change your mind?”

  “Nothing,” she said, shutting herself off from her emotions. She didn’t want to think or feel anything right now. She’d let herself care for him only to have it thrown back at her: his choice, not hers. She had to leave.

  He followed her across to the door. Before they reached it, she felt herself grasped by the arm and spun round. Then I have no choice but to show you, he sent, gripping her tightly as his mouth found hers, his teeth nipping her in his urgency.

  He sent again, letting her experience how he’d felt when she left him alone in the temple, and how he felt now at the prospect of being without her.

  She pushed against him, fear in her eyes and mind as his feelings flooded through her. She tried to block them, but he forced the mental contact, all his loneliness and emptiness rushing in on her. It overwhelmed her, and as her struggles slowed, she began to taste blood in her mouth.

  He tightened his grip on her arms. What is it I need to say or do to make you stay? I, Kaid Tallinu, love you, Carrie! Not the cub I was in the past, but me, whoever the hell I am! He broke the kiss, eyes searching her face. “I don’t want to live without you, can’t you feel it? Don’t leave me, Carrie.”

  Because of her struggles, his robe was gaping at the neck. Something glinted, catching the light, and her eye. She reached for it, and found herself holding his Triad pendant. Startled, she looked up at him.

  “I thought you’d taken it off.”

  “I put it on after you left the Retreat. I told you, I meant to come back. I hoped you’d let me have the time to think through whether what I felt for you was real. Vartra knows I wanted it so much that I couldn’t trust what I felt!”

  “And now?”

  “Now I don’t care It’s what I feel that matters.” He pulled her close, kissing her again, his tongue parting her lips, tasting her blood for the first time.

  Gods, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. He licked at the graze, frantic to make it better, stop it hurting. Suddenly the rigidity left her, and as she let go the pendant, her body molded itself to his.

  It’s all right. It doesn’t hurt much. Hesitantly her arms came up to hold him.

  He had to tell her now, before they went any further. “I have another fear, Carrie. I had a vision. One that I’m afraid was about us.”

  “What was it? Was it about Jalna?”

  “No.” He tightened his grip momentarily, unable to look her in the eyes. “Noni said I’d father cubs. I don’t want to make you pregnant, and Vartra’s changes have a habit of working.”

  She said nothing for a moment, even her mind was still. “Not now that we have a contraceptive,” she said quietly.

  “I held my cub in the vision, Carrie.” He looked at her now. “There will be one.”

  “You didn’t see the mother? Perhaps it’s not me.”

  “It was someone I cared deeply for.”

  This was not the time for either of them to mention T’Chebbi.

  “Not even Vartra’s changes could make me fertile at the wrong time, Kaid.”

  Then he realized what she could be thinking. “I don’t mean that… We couldn’t… I don’t know if I want cubs, Carrie, but if I did… if you did…” He was floundering again, making a mess of it.

  She couldn’t help but smile at his confusion. “It can’t happen, believe me.”

  Relieved now that he’d told her everything, he pressed her closer still, letting her know that he wanted her, was ready for her, all the while kissing her as fiercely as if he’d never have another chance. Now there was nothing to keep them apart. He could hear her thoughts, feel the new fears rise as she began to tremble within his grasp.

  He’s as unlike Kusac as anyone could be! A fighter, a priest— he’s a killer for God’s sake— he’s never lived anywhere but on the edge! Why do I love him?

  Her eyes looked at him steadily despite the quickened heart beat he could feel even through the thickness of her jacket.

  Gods, he’s so strong! My hand can’t circle his forearm! He could crush me and I couldn’t stop him!

>   He cupped her face with his hands, remembering that her only physical knowledge of him had been when he’d been weak from the fever of his wounds. Not now, now he was able to love her properly.

  Don’t be afraid. I couldn’t hurt you any more than Kusac could. Slowly, almost reluctantly, he backed away from her, then scooped her up in his arms. How long do we have? he asked as he stepped through the blinds into his bedroom.

  As long as we want. Kusac said it was time we had the opportunity to be together again. He asks when you’re coming home. He’s missed you, too.

  He felt the truth of her sending. Tomorrow. We’ll return together. He set her down gently on her feet. Reaching out, he pressed the seal on her jacket, helping her take it off.

  She stood there, still trembling. She needed more time. Their disagreement was too recent.

  “Sit. I’ll get our coffee,” he said.

  He didn’t hurry, knowing events were moving just a little too fast for her. He was surprised at how she’d reacted to his vision. He recalled it, reliving the emotions he’d felt at the time. He’d helped birth Kashini, was legally her guardian, too, but to share a cub with Carrie? For a moment the idea didn’t seem so remote, so unbelievable. Their Triad was registered at the temple, which gave him equal status with Kusac as her life-mate. It had been no idle gesture on Kusac’s part either, nor done without Carrie’s full agreement. They all knew that each member of a Triad took equal responsibility for any cubs. Then he dismissed the idea. A nice dream, but not what his life was made of.

  When he returned, he almost stopped dead in surprise. Clad only in her undertunic, Carrie sat in the center of his bed. Stepping over her discarded clothes, he put the mugs on the night table. From behind him he heard the soft sounds of her getting to her feet.

  She stood there, looking at him. “Tallinu. Please, be sure this time,” she began.

  He placed a finger against her lips. “I am very sure.” He unfastened the cord of his robe, letting it fall open as he reached for the seal on the front of her tunic. A touch and it parted. As her warm body-scent filled his nostrils, he slid his hands inside her tunic, puling her nakedness against his. When her flesh touched him, he was the one trembling.

  He kissed her, long and slowly this time, then, dropping his robe to the floor, he knelt on the bed, urging her to sit beside him. Bending his head, he let his teeth and tongue travel across her face and neck as his hands began to stroke the smooth curves of her body.

  Memories of their first pairing came to his mind, and these he shared with her. As she reached for him, trying to pull him down onto the bed, he felt her need burning deep within him, felt the crystal he always wore start to warm.

  “No, not yet,” he said, his voice so low it was barely more than a purr.

  Again he felt a flash of apprehension from her as she realized what Kusac had meant all those weeks before. Kaid Tallinu was totally Sholan, with no Human side.

  Tallinu laughed gently, caressing her throat with his fingertips. “You’ve no need to fear me, Carrie. Our Links have brought me enough knowledge.”

  I’m not afraid of you.

  Her breasts enticed him and he reached down to cup one in his hand. “Only a little,” he murmured, bending down to flick the rough surface of his tongue across it.

  A soft moan of pleasure escaped her and she ran her hands across his chest till she touched the leather pouch. “Our crystal.”

  “That I could never remove,” he said, feeling it begin to pulse in time to her heart beat.

  With a deep purr, he sat back on his haunches, turning her slightly so her back was to him. Taking her by the waist, he lifted her up till she was kneeling astride him. Supporting her there, he began to tease her with his teeth and tongue. First the lobes of her ear, then her neck, her shoulder, and on down her side to her flank.

  With gentle cries of pleasure, she twisted and turned, trying to reach him, but he kept her held where she was. Then he reached the softness of her thighs. The strength suddenly left her legs and she collapsed against him. Although he’d barely touched her, she was already on the edge of her climax.

  Slowly he lowered her, letting her sink down, gasping as she surrounded him. Their crystal flared as his heartbeat now echoed hers, but he scarcely noticed it so intense were the sensations they were sharing. Small moans escaped her and her hands clutched at his thighs, nails digging through his pelt into his flesh. His purr deepened and leaning forward slightly, he slid his hands upward, closing them over her breasts.

  “I dreamed of you,” he whispered, his voice barely audible as she turned her head to look at him. “When I was alone, when I needed to work, you kept coming to me, distracting me. Dzinae.” He supported her again, beginning to move within her. He saw a flash of fear in her eyes and knew she’d never paired like this before.

  “Sholan-style, my Dzinae. Like me.” He purred, his tongue flicking out to lick her cheek just as their minds joined.

  Upward they spiraled, becoming one, reaching outward till at the edges of their bond they could sense Kusac and T’Chebbi beginning their own journey.

  En’Shalla, little Human. There is a balance.

  With a cry she arched away from Kaid, collapsing forward on her forearms, pulling him down with her.

  Quick reflexes meant he landed on his hands, poised above her. Almost instantly he swelled to full arousal and as one, they began to climax.

  Afterward, with a deep, shuddering breath, he collapsed with her onto his side. His tail flicked round her upper leg, holding her with as much urgency as did his arms. Gradually the sharing of memories of their time apart began to slow, then stopped, leaving their minds once more their own.

  Vartra’s bones, Carrie, you’re not real— are you a dzinae? I don’t remember it being like this before!

  You were ill, and it was our first time together, she sent as they parted and she turned to face him. I heard someone… she began.

  I heard Him too, and felt them. It was Vartra. He’s a force in my life that I can’t escape, but we have reached some compromises. He smiled wryly.

  In her gentle laugh, he could hear the underlying purr. “Compromises with a God. Why doesn’t that surprise me? So, is Kusac now aware of us when we’re together?”

  “He was the first time. It was us who weren’t aware of him. I think that ritual at the Retreat strengthened our mutual bond.”

  “That’s why T’Chebbi went to him.”

  “Her choice, Carrie, but I swear he’ll be glad she did,” he said with a chuckle. “She’s not my lover, and even if she were, she’d be free to do as she wished.”

  “She should be your lover,” she said, rubbing her face against the long fur on his chest. “You obviously care for each other, but that’s between you.”

  He began to trace her features with a fingertip. When I said how Sholan you were, I had no idea you were so like us.

  What’s a dzinae? she asked, taking his hand in hers to caress the sensitive areas on his palm.

  He grinned. A heavenly reward for those who’ve done Vartra’s will. Males and females whose only wish is to please your senses. They’re said to visit the overly pious and tease them unmercifully.

  And did I do that to you?

  Oh, yes, my dzinae, you certainly did! His thoughts were warm and loving as he stroked her face. “You were all the distraction Vartra could hope for!”

  She laughed, stretching out against him. “I’m hungry. Have you anything we can eat?”

  He looked embarrassed. “I brought some food with me last week.”

  Arching an eyebrow at him, she sat up and began fastening her tunic. “You were expecting company?”

  “I hoped you’d come here with me one day, yes,” he admitted. “You’re the only female I’ve ever brought here.”

  “Thank you for bringing me,” she said, kissing him before getting to her feet. She looked down at where he still lay watching her. “Well, are you going to feed me, then?”

  C
hapter 13

  A gentle glow penetrated her eyelids. Morning. But this morning was different. Kusac didn’t lie with his arm resting on her hip like this, and it was definitely not his scent she could smell. Then she remembered and opened her eyes.

  In front of her, the polarized window had brightened, allowing her a clear view of the grounds outside. Sunlight glinted off the snow, sending sparkles of light dancing into the bedroom. A chiddoe still in its winter coat hopped into view, stopping every now and then to scrabble for some edible greenery.

  She turned her head to look at Tallinu. He was still asleep, lying on his stomach beside her, his breath gently huffing against her neck.

  He had changed, she thought with lazy contentment as, careful not to wake him, she turned to lie on her back. And she liked the changes. Last night there had been no holding back from him, either physically or mentally. He’d finally accepted how he felt and made his commitment to her.

  She looked around, interested to see what this inner retreat was like. They’d been a little too involved with each other the night before for her to take much interest in her surroundings, she remembered with a small grin. She’d noticed that the walls were dark, but now she saw they were a blue as deep as the sky at dusk. On the wall beyond him, a sword hanging by its decorative scabbard caught her eye. It had a vaguely familiar look to it, but she couldn’t remember where she’d seen it before. Beneath it was a dresser of drawers on which a collection of small figures was arranged. Curious, she pushed herself up on one elbow to get a better look.

  “I paint them for relaxation.” His voice was low and still hazy with sleep. “The sword is the one Garras gave me when we became swordbrothers. You’ll have seen its twin at Vanna’s.”

  “You’re awake,” she said, reaching out to run her hand across his back, stopping as she felt the knots of the scars still there.

  He flinched and began to turn over.

  “I’m sorry. I thought they’d healed.”

  “All but one or two, and they’ll go in time,” he said. “Does the room meet with your approval?”