Keeping Her

by Alexis Noelle

  Dan had a business meeting tonight so he still isn’t home and instead of doing stuff on my computer I’m standing at the window like a damn peeping tom. His bedroom light goes on. I’m about to move when he opens the curtains and his eyes meet mine. What the hell is he doing? I see him extend his hand and in a minute the blonde is standing in front of the window and she is fucking naked.

  She begins to unbutton the shirt he has on and I know I should walk away but I’m frozen in place. Like a car accident you see coming but can’t look away from. After she takes his shirt off, she makes quick work of his pants. My tongue darts out and wets my lips, his chest is so defined and a tinge of jealousy runs through me as she drags her nails over his skin.

  Why would he open the curtains? Why the hell does he want me to see this? Her hands grip his waistband and when she pulls down his pants I get an eye full. I should not be watching this. I turn away and sit on my bed, staring at my computer screen.

  As I try to type I can’t. When I walk back over to the window I gasp. She is on her knees giving him a blow job. His palms are resting on the window, but his eyes are focused on me. I can’t see too much emotion given how far away he is but I can almost feel the intensity. My body heats under his gaze. What the hell is wrong with me? I should not be turned on by this shit. He is doing this on purpose just to get to me.

  The blonde stands up and Brian’s hands go into her hair. Her long leg snakes around his waist and by their movements they are definitely having sex now. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach seeing him with someone. He was my first and, for the longest time, I thought that he would be my only. So seeing him have meaningless sex with this girl is making me sick.

  Does he really hate me this much that he has to flaunt shit in my face? I look over again and his eyes are still trained on me. I shake my head and walk away from the window. I am in this weird state of being turned on watching him, being pissed off that he would act like that, and being hurt that he is with her.

  I hear the door open and close downstairs and I quickly close my laptop, placing it on the bedside table. I get under the covers and when the bedroom door opens I’m ashamed at the fact that I pretend to be asleep. I have no doubt that Dan will know something is wrong and I don’t want to lie to him. I can’t tell him the truth either though. The door shuts and I breathe a sigh of relief.

  I really do love him. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t. He is one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. My parents and my friends all love him, we get along great, and we hardly ever fight. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe everything is just too perfect. Is that even a thing? Things going too good? I shake my head realizing how screwed up I really am.

  My relationship with Brian was so much different. We fought all the time over absolutely nothing. We were crazy and all over the place. If I’m being honest, I miss that. The passionate fighting and making up. Wanting to kill him at the same time that I wanted to kiss him. My parents didn’t approve of us, but I didn’t care. He was it for me.

  Until he decided I wasn’t worth it.

  A tear falls from my eye as I relive our relationship. Why the hell am I doing this to myself? Even if I wasn’t with Dan I could never open myself up to him again. We had a love that was all consuming and exciting. When it ended I couldn’t function, couldn’t live, couldn’t move on. I will never open myself up to being hurt like that again.

  I know I’m safe with Dan and that was one of the things that attracted me to him. He was safe.

  That’s what I need. Safe, not dangerous.

  I need love, not fighting.

  I wonder though if what I have is love or just comfort.

  Chapter Eight

  Julia

  I have done my best to avoid Brian at all costs and for the most part it’s been working, but I swear it’s like a damn full time job. Dan and I are going away this week on vacation so I can finally breathe easy knowing that I won’t see Brian. I can relax with my husband and keep all thoughts of him here at home.

  My mind has been so conflicted lately. How is it possible to want to castrate and kiss someone at the same time? That’s what it’s like in my head twenty-four seven. Then I feel guilty for wanting to kiss him and want to pinch myself back to reality. There have been numerous times lately where I swear I might be going crazy.

  I jump as I feel arms wrap around me and smile at my husband. I feel so guilty for thinking of Brian the way I have been when I have Dan. I turn in his arms wrapping mine around his neck. Standing on my tip-toes, I kiss him opening my mouth to him as he deepens it. I lose myself in him, letting our love consume me.

  “Are you ready to get away, beautiful?” he whispers as he pulls away from our kiss.

  “You have no idea.” We both laugh as he picks up my suitcase and walk out to the waiting cab. We booked our trip to Cancun almost six months ago and I swear I never thought it would get here. This is definitely what we need. Alone time.

  Nerves run through my body as I think about flying. I have always had anxiety and been called a worry wart. The thought of being so high up and basically helpless wreaks havoc on my body every time.

  By the time we get on the plane and start to pull away from the gate my hands are starting to shake. Dan laces his fingers with mine and lifts my hand up to place a kiss on it. “You will be fine, baby. Before you know it I’ll have you on the beach in your sexy bikini sipping drinks.”

  I smile at him and give him a kiss as the plane starts to lift off of the ground. I gasp as the plane climbs and squeeze his hand. His arm wraps around my body pulling me closer to him and I rest my head on his chest.

  “You’re safe with me, I promise.” I have no doubt about that. I know for a fact that’s one of the things that attracted me to Dan. I knew I would always be safe with him, heart and mind. Even after we are leveled out in the air, I keep my head on his chest. He gives me such a sense of comfort and security that I don’t want to move.

  “Julia, wake up, babe.” I open my eyes, my body stretching needing to bring some life to my sore muscles. When I look out of the window I see that we are once again on the ground.

  “Did I sleep the whole time?”

  He laughs. “Yea I couldn’t believe that you didn’t wake up when we were landing.”

  “I can’t believe we are finally here.” We both stand up and exit the plane. Luckily the hotel has a shuttle and it’s only about a half hour ride from the airport.

  When the shuttle pulls up to the hotel I’m taken back. I’ve looked at the pictures a thousand times but they don’t do it any justice. It is a huge modern white building with large trees lining the entrance. The sun is beating down on us from a crystal clear sky and excitement runs through my body even more than before.

  We thank our driver and make our way inside to check-in. The lobby is huge with a high ceiling and an intricate chandelier hovers above us. I practically run to the check-in desk so eager start our vacation. Dan comes up behind me, wrapping me in his arms as we give the receptionist our information.

  I hear a bunch of yelling and turn toward the sound to see my worst nightmare. This can’t be happening. It’s not possible.

  Brian.

  He is in the middle of a group of guys, which I think I recognize from the restaurant incident. How the hell can this even be possible? The Gods must hate me and want me to suffer because that is the only reason in the entire world that Brian Evans would end up here of all places in the world.

  The group exits the lobby without Brian seeing me, or Dan seeing Brian. “Babe, you okay?” I look up at him trying to shake off the shock that I know must be written on my face.

  “Yea, sorry I just zoned out.” And had a heart attack. I’m gonna need a damn Xanax.

  We walk away from the desk and head toward the elevators. This hotel is huge, maybe we just won’t run into them. Yea, and Murphy’s Law doesn’t dictate my entire existence either. My happy carefree vacation just went to shit and I’m still in disbelief
.

  Did he plan this? How the hell would he have known? There is no way in the damn world that this was a coincidence. I am not that unlucky. I just hope that we don’t run into him I know that seeing him will put Dan in a bad mood and I really want this trip to be great for us.

  The hotel room is absolutely amazing, we have a balcony that looks out over the beach and the bathroom has a huge Jacuzzi tub in it.

  “Do you want to go down to the beach, babe?”

  I turn to Dan. “Yes! I even wore my suit under my clothes.”

  He smiles at me. “Okay, I’ll get changed and then we’ll head down.”

  I shimmy out of my shorts and pull my t-shirt over my head, I can’t wait to go down and start our vacation. Hopefully, this will be stress free, even though I doubt it. I decide to check out the view and step out onto the balcony. It’s so beautiful from up here and looking down seeing everything I know that no matter what we are going to have an amazing time.

  “Jules?”

  I freeze. That voice. That nickname. I turn my head to see Brian on the adjacent balcony. “Seriously?!” I look up to the sky and scream. This shit is so not funny anymore.

  “Damn, Jules, calm down.”

  “No! Why the fuck are you here? Why would you follow me?” I can feel my face redden and my hands are fisted at my side.

  “There you go again. Everything is always fucking about you right? My boys and I planned this trip a year ago as a vacation when we all decided not to re-enlist again. You know you never used to be so fucking conceited. Must be the douche’s influence.” He grabs something off the table before going back into his room.

  Asshole! God, I hate him. God hates me apparently. Deep breaths, just calm down, Jules. Jules? Ugh! He is the only one that has ever called me that. I can still her the disdain my mother showed after the first time he called me that in front of her.

  “Son, I did not name my daughter Jules. Her name is Julia and that is what you need to refer to her by. She is not one of you heathens running around on the street. She is a lady and should be referred to by her given name.”

  I remember looking at Brian and thinking his head was about to blow off. Honestly, my mother was always a stuck up prude and so was my father. They never accepted Brian but I never really cared. I was willing to give up everything for him. Until he didn’t want me anymore.

  “You ready, Julia?” I take one more deep breath trying to let all of the tension and frustration roll off of me. Who am I kidding? That shit never works.

  Chapter Nine

  Brian

  How the hell did this happen? Not only are we in the same damn hotel, but we are right next door to each other! When I left for this vacation I had one thing I wanted to do, forget about Jules. Now she and the douchebag are going to be rubbing it in my face all week.

  I walk back down to the pool, and slam onto the chair next to Mason. “What crawled up your ass?”

  “You wouldn’t fucking believe me if I told you.” I shake my head still trying to get over it myself.

  “Try me.” He doesn’t take his eyes away from the group of girls in front of us the entire time he is talking.

  “I went up to the room to grab the sunglasses I left on the balcony, I looked over to the next balcony and saw Jules. “

  Mason looks over at me his eyes wide. “You’re fucking shittin’ me?”

  “What’s up?” Ryan sits down on the end of my chair.

  “Fucking Jules is here,” Mason says before turning his attention back to the girls.

  I look over at Ryan knowing that out of everyone he would be the easiest person for me to talk to. “So, this sucks huh?”

  “You have no idea. I mean it’s bad enough that I can’t escape her in my damn head. Now I can’t even escape her in real life.” I run my hands over my face in frustration.

  “Maybe you should stop trying then.” I look up at him in confusion. “There has to be some reason that you two keep running into each other. Did you ever think of just talking to her and not being such a dick all the time?”

  Ryan has always been the most level headed of us, and sometimes I hate how right he is. “No.” I stand up making the chair unbalanced and send him crashing to the ground, before jumping into the pool hoping swimming laps will help me release some aggression.

  I don’t know how many laps I do but by the time I’m done my arms and legs are on fire. As I get out of the pool I see Jules and Douchebag set up across from us. Inside my head I take this opportunity to drown his annoying ass in the pool, unfortunately if I actually did that it might be frowned upon. Instead I head toward the pool bar, if I am gonna have to look at them all day then I need to be fucking hammered to do it. “Jack and Coke, make it a double.”

  I feel a hand run up my arm and look over to see a sexy red head with a pair of double D’s. “Hard day?”

  She almost purrs the word hard and I hold back from laughing in her face. I don’t get girls like this, the ones who are ready to open their legs without knowing your name. The complete lack of respect that they have for themselves is absolutely pathetic. Honestly, right now I could use a girl with no respect for herself and most likely daddy issues.

  “It’s definitely been hard.” I whisper close to her ear. Her fingers play with the top of my board shorts as she makes it known what she wants. I have no problem giving that to her but first I’m gonna have a little fun.

  “So do you have plans to do anything?” she asks me before running her tongue over her bottom lip. Damn, this girl really wants the D.

  “I’m thinking about hanging out here for a little then maybe going to bed.” She raises her eyebrows at me.

  “Sounds perfect.”

  I grab my drink and walk back to the pool knowing that she will follow me like a trained puppy. By the time I sit down on the chair and put my drink down she is already inbetween my legs. Her hands are tracing up and down my thighs each time going a little further under my shorts. I look up to see Jules watching us from across the pool and I smile at her. I can tell that this is pissing her off but for the first time I see something different in her eyes, pain. Is what I’m doing hurting her? I may have wanted to piss her off, but I never wanted to cause what I just saw in her eyes.

  I get up and the redhead quickly follows. “Sorry, sweetheart, I’m leaving alone.”

  “What do you mean? I thought you wanted to have some fun.” Her hand grabs my arm and the unwanted contact pisses me off.

  “No, I wanted a fucking distraction but I changed my mind. I’m sure you won’t have any trouble finding another bed to jump into.” I walk away from her hearing her gasp at my comment.

  None of the guys say anything as they watch the encounter or me storm away. We have known each other long enough that they know when I’m not in the mood to be fucked with. I get up to the room not really sure what I’m doing there. All I can picture is the look in her eyes, the hurt that my actions put there.

  I never wanted to hurt her. She is the only one who knows me inside and out, the only one I’ve told my story to.

  “Brian, you can’t do stuff like that! You are going to end up going to jail!” I know that she’s right and that I lost my cool, but the asshole had it coming.

  “I know that, Jules, but it was unavoidable.” My voice is low, I’m ashamed that I lost my cool and that she was there to see it.

  “No, it wasn’t unavoidable, Brian! You could have just walked away. You could have just hit him once. You didn’t need to keep going ‘til he was unconscious and three guys needed to pull you off of him. What is your aunt going to say when you tell her that you were arrested?” That’s a laugh, Aunt Jenny wouldn’t give a shit.

  “Don’t worry about it, Jules. She won’t care.”

  “Seriously? You really think that? Of course she is going to care!” She is pacing back and forth in front of me in a frantic pace, and I can’t help but smile at how cute she looks.

  “Babe, calm down. She barely even knows I ex
ist and even if she finds out she could care less.”

  Her hands wrap around my neck. “That’s horrible, Bri. Why is she like that?”

  I lower my eyes to the floor. I don’t talk about this stuff with anyone. Jules, isn’t just anyone though. I know that I can trust her and she is the only person who I have ever wanted to open up to. “It’s better to be invisible, than to be the target for a sadistic asshole on a daily basis.” I hear her gasp but I don’t look up at her. If I do I’ll lose my nerve. “Aunt Jenny took me in when my parents died in a house fire. The firefighters were able to pull me out in time but they didn’t make it. I didn’t take their death too hard considering my father beat the shit out of me on a daily basis and my mother was way to strung out to care.”

  Her fingers trace one of the scars on my back. “These scars aren’t from learning how to skateboard?”

  I shake my head no. “I told you that so that you didn’t ask any questions.”

  Her hand strokes my cheek and I look up into her eyes. She’s looking at me like no one has before, with love. “Tell me.”

  I grab her hips pulling her so she’s now sitting on my lap. I need to be close to her, to be able to touch her. “My father was a monster. He would find any excuse to get mad. Most times it was just a smack across the face that sent me flying into a wall. When he would get really mad he would pick up any object close to him, a belt, a bat, a chair. That fire as devastating as it was at the time, was my salvation.” A tear falls from her eye and I kiss her cheek catching it before it can fall off her face. “As a kid I didn’t have a family, I didn’t have love. I had power, vengeance, and pain.” I take a deep breath trying to gain the courage to tell her how I feel. “I love you, Jules. And it scares the shit out of me to say that because that gives you the power that no one else has ever had over me. The power to completely destroy me.”

  Her lips softly press against mine, before she pulls away to look at me again. “I love you too, Brian.” My mouth crashes against hers needing to be connected to her. She pulls away before I’m ready to let her go. Her hand runs through my hair ending at the nape of my neck. “I want to be with you, Bri, in every sense of the word. I want to be connected to you in every possible way. I want you to be my first.”