Keeping Her

by Alexis Noelle

  That’s when I hear it a bang. Just like before. Bang. Bang. Bang. I scream again as it brings back memories of the night, of finding Dan shot and bloody.

  “Jules!” I hear a voice. It must be my imagination. No one knows where I am. “Jules! Open the door!”

  Brian? It can’t be. I use the bed as leverage to stand up and stumble over toward the door. When I open the door, Brian is standing there soaked from the rain that I didn’t hear start. A crash of thunder sounds and I jump. Brian walks past me but I don’t shut the door.

  “You need to go. You can’t be here.”

  “I need to be here.” He says it with such finality that I almost say okay.

  “No, you don’t. You need to leave. I need to be alone.”

  His hands grip the side of my face. “That is the last thing that you need right now, Jules. You need someone and I am here for you.”

  “You think I want you right now? You are the goddamn last person I want to see right now! My husband was just fucking killed!”

  “Yea, well maybe you’re fucking better without him!” Before I know what I’m doing, I smack Brian across the face. My hand instantly burns from the impact. Brian’s face hardens and his expression becomes filled with rage.

  That’s when what I did set in. I hit him.

  His hands push my chest so hard that I fly back and fall onto the bed. “Fuck you, Jules! You want to fucking be alone then have it your way!”

  The door slams so hard it vibrates the walls of the small room. I can’t believe I did that. Physical contact has always been Brian’s trigger. With his upbringing, any kind of negative touch would set him off. I knew that. He confided in me about it.

  I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. The tears start to fall at a steady pace again. I rock back and forth on the bed while I think about the shamble of a life I have left. I lost my husband. I lost Brian, again.

  Everything is gone.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Brian

  It’s been a month since I’ve seen Jules, and I’m still fucking livid about the way things happened. There is a lot of shit that I can take, a lot of shit that I can deal with, but her fucking putting her hands on me like that isn’t one of them. The thing is that she fucking knew that too. She had to know that what she did would set me off. Granted, what I said was really shitty and she had been through something traumatic but that’s a line that she should have known not to cross. As much as I don’t want to, I’ve been looking for her, seeing if she is around town, or even outside of her house but it’s like she vanished into thin air. I get that she loved the dickhead, but that doesn’t mean that I need to be sorry that he isn’t around anymore.

  The guys have been giving me constant shit about my mood lately. Ryan has told me a dozen times to stop being a dickhead and go apologize to Jules, but hell will freeze over before that shit happens. Hunter has been trying to get me to bang anything with two legs and big tits. Mason has basically just told me to stop whining like a little bitch. Jake really doesn’t seem to care. He has plenty of his own shit that he doesn’t want to share so he doesn’t press the issue for me to deal with mine.

  I don’t want to sleep with another random woman. Honestly, the fact that you don’t know where half of these sluts have been is a big issue for me. All I want is to drink enough to forget about her just for a fucking minute. My body is so tightly wound lately that the littlest shit is setting me off. I don’t know how to handle it anymore other than just drowning out my sorrows.

  Mason orders another round and slides a beer in front of me. “Easiest way to deal with shit that pisses you off is to shut down.”

  I look over at him in complete confusion. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “Shut down.” He takes a drink of his beer before putting it back on the bar and turning to look at me. “Take all the shit, put it in a little box, and fucking bury it.” He gets up and goes to sit next to Jake. Mason has always been a pretty blunt and straightforward guy, no visible emotions, and no girls that hung around for longer than an hour or two. I shake my head and try not to let the fact that he is a lunatic get to me.

  “Julia!” I turn my head at the sound of her name. I see Lacey and Jules at the end of the bar laughing and obviously drunk. This is not the type of shit that I need to see right now. When she looks up, her eyes meet mine and her face turns into a scowl.

  She shakily stands up and makes her way over to me trying to stomp but not having enough balance to really seem threatening. I can’t help but laugh at the way she is right now. “What are you doing here?” her voice is half yelling and half slurring.

  “It’s a free country and I’m just having a few drinks.” I tip my beer back feeling her eyes watching me the whole time.

  “You know my life was going just fucking fine until you showed up.” Her finger is pointing at me but she is still swaying from the alcohol in her system.

  “Mine too, sweetheart.”

  “Oh, I’m sure. You made that clear the night you decided to walk away.” My eyes snap up to hers. She can’t be fucking serious.

  “It’s easy to walk away when you’re clearly not fucking wanted. You got what you always wanted that night, so I don’t know what the fuck you’re complaining about.” I slam my beer down onto the bar half surprised the bottle didn’t shatter.

  “I’m complaining about spending what should have been one of the best summers of my life crying and depressed over someone who never gave a shit about me.”

  She walks away before I can respond. What the hell is she talking about? Why would she have been depressed all summer when she was the one that ended shit?

  I see her duck into the bathroom and decide that there is no way this conversation is done. “Yo, Hunter?” He looks up at me. “See that blonde chick at the end of the bar?” I point to Lacey and his eyes follow.

  “Yea, what’s up?”

  “I need you to keep her busy for a little bit.”

  “Shit, say no more. She’s fucking hot.”

  He walks toward Lacey as I head toward the bathrooms. When I walk in, Jules is standing in front of the mirror. I turn around and lock the doorknob making sure that we aren’t disturbed. “We need to clarify a few things.”

  “No. I have nothing to say to you, Brian.”

  She goes to move past me but I grab her arm to stop her. “That’s where you’re wrong. There is a lot that needs to be said. Like first, what the hell was that shit about you missing me all summer? You certainly weren’t missing me the night we broke up.”

  “What are you talking about?” I can hear the exhaustion in her voice. She looks up at me her eyes filling with tears. “I loved you with every single part of me. You crushed me. No matter how much time passed or how much I told myself I hated you, I still loved you.”

  Her eyes are focused on the floor. “If that’s true then what the hell happened that night, Jules?” After a minute, I grab the sides of her face with my hands lifting it up so we are now looking at each other.

  “You crushed me.” Hearing those words come out in barely a whisper as tears start to fall from her eyes kills me. I have never stopped loving this girl not since I was fucking seventeen. Before I know what I’m doing my mouth is on hers. I need to taste her, to have her again. She said she never stopped loving me and I just want her to know that the feeling is mutual. She has always been the only person I let in, the only one I’ve ever loved.

  I back her against a wall, finally getting a reaction from her as her arms slide up mine and her nails dig into my skin. I need her. I skim my hand down her body slowly slipping it under her dress. I wait for a second to see if she will protest, if she’ll tell me to stop. When she doesn’t, I slide her panties to the side and slip my fingers into her wet heat.

  I have missed being able to touch her like this. I’ve dreamt about having her again. My mouth moves down her neck as I continue moving my fingers in and out of her. She’s releasing the sexi
est fucking moans I’ve ever heard and my dick is rock hard already.

  “Oh my God.” I look up and see her hand over her mouth. “What the hell am I doing?”

  She pushes me off of her and before I can say anything runs out of the bathroom.

  That was definitely not what I expected to happen tonight.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Julia

  The sun peeks through my window and I open my eyes immediately closing them to escape the blinding light. My head is pounding and feels like it’s being squeezed so hard that what’s left of my brains might pop out. I can’t believe I let Lacey talk me into going out last night

  She begged me for almost an hour before I finally gave in. It’s been a month since I lost Dan and it’s been hell. I figured I could use the night out, but I definitely did not think I would do what I did. I don’t know what happened, or even how I let it go that far. Yes, I was drunk but that’s no excuse for giving into him the way I did. I let him use me, I let him in again. I’m not ready to move on with anyone, especially not with Brian.

  I’m not even sure how we both got to be in the bathroom, considering I can only remember bits and pieces of the night. I had just gotten the news that they found the guy who killed Dan. He still had his wallet and they found some other stuff that had been in his car. It brought everything from that night back to the forefront of my mind. It was like we were mourning and closing the door on what happened at the same time.

  The doorbell rings and I grab the sides of my head trying to cover my ears. Loud noises are no good right now. I stagger downstairs vowing to not listen to Lacey next time she tries to cheer me up. I open the door to find the last person I want to see, Brian.

  “You need to go,” I say as I start to shut the door.

  “No.” He pushes the door open and then walks past me into the living room.

  “Listen, I can’t deal with you right now. I’m hung over, exhausted, and regretting everything about last night. Let’s just chalk it up to a mistake and move on.”

  He turns toward me. “I don’t regret last night. The only regret I have is not chasing your ass down when you ran away from me. We need to talk, Jules. We’ve needed to talk for six fucking years.” He sits down on the couch and makes it clear to me that I have no say in what is going on right now.

  “What do you need to say, Brian?” I snap at him. I really don’t want to deal with this but I know that he isn’t going to drop it. I am so emotionally drained from everything that has gone on this past month. Dan’s murder, planning the funeral, dealing with life as a widow. Thankfully, they caught the asshole that shot him. Apparently he had a long record of past offenses. If anyone in the damn legal system did their job he would have been locked up and none of this would have happened.

  “I want to talk to you about that night, Jules. It’s long overdue and we are both obviously still holding onto shit that we don’t need to.”

  That night is the absolute last thing I want to talk about. “Say what you need to.”

  “I want to know your side of the story. You say I left you, you say I crushed you, but I don’t even understand how that could be possible.” He is looking at me and he seems so sincere, that I almost believe his bullshit.

  “I don’t know if you developed some sort of convenient amnesia, but it’s ridiculous that you’re going to make me relive that night. That you won’t just own up to what you did to me.” I pull my feet up onto the couch and get comfortable now knowing that we are most likely going to be here a while. “I was so mad at you when I left your house that night. You were being so pigheaded and irrational. I went over to Dan’s and we watched a movie. The next morning I couldn’t wait to see you, to spend the last hour or so I had in town with you and you ditched me. You left me there waiting for you, telling everyone they were wrong, that you wouldn’t just forget about me. Well, I was wrong.”

  His hands run over his face in what I guess in frustration at hearing how much of a dickhead he was. “You skipped over a lot of shit don’t you think, Jules?”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I am in no mood for his mind games right now.

  “I mean all the fucking messages, ignoring every damn phone call I made. I mean the picture you sent me when I told you I was coming to get you.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” I usually don’t lose my cool very easily but I have no idea what the hell is going on. “I fell asleep on the couch about fifteen minutes after I got to Dan’s. I was exhausted and passed out on the couch.

  His eyes snap up to me. “What?”

  “I. Fell. Asleep. So whatever the hell story you made up in your head is complete bullshit.”

  His fist slams down on my coffee table so hard I think for a minute it might actually split in two. “If that motherfucker wasn’t already dead, I swear to God I would fucking kill him.”

  I stand up. “Get out of my house! You do not get to come in here and say that shit! He was my husband! We lived here together! He saved me from the shell of a person you turned me into! We were perfectly fine until you showed up!”

  “Oh yea? You perfectly fine living a fucking lie, princess?”

  “What are you talking about, Brian? I’m so sick of your stupid goddamn games!” I scream at him in frustration. I can’t do this with him. The wounds are still too fresh and too painful.

  “I wasn’t the asshole playing games all of these damn years. It was that piece of shit that you decided to make your fucking husband.” He spits the words out at me with such contempt.

  “I swear to God if you say one more thing about him I’m going to start throwing shit at you,” I scream. I can’t take any more of him trashing Dan, especially when he isn’t here to defend himself.

  He laughs, and it just pisses me off more than I already am. “Let me tell you what happened that night.” He sits down and looks at me waiting for me to follow. I do it only in hopes that it speeds up the process and gets him out of here faster.

  He takes a deep breath like he is trying to calm himself down. “I was at the house and pissed off that you left to go see him. I texted you to tell you to come back and spend the last night you had with me. I fucking missed you already and you hadn’t even left. When my phone dinged I thought it would be you saying you were coming over, but it was something I never expected. A break up text. You went on about how we needed time apart, you needed your space from me and that was the main reason you were going away for the summer. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I called you but you wouldn’t answer me you just kept texting me and telling me to leave you alone and shit. I told you I was coming over to see you, that if that was how you really felt I wanted to hear it in person. That’s when the picture came. The fucking image that has haunted me every day since I saw it.”

  He stops and leaves me on a verbal cliffhanger.

  “It was a picture of you, the only person I ever trusted, ever loved, in the arms of someone else. Dan and you were lying together under some damn blanket and kissing. When I saw that shit it fucking broke me. I was so fucking mad I threw my phone at the wall and it shattered. I drank until I couldn’t see straight and didn’t even know my own name. I woke up in the morning and realized I had one more shot to see you. It was still two hours before you had to leave so I went to your house. I pounded on your door until your dad finally opened it. When I told him I was there to see you the fucker just smiled at me and told me you had already left with Dan to have breakfast and go to the airport. As far as I knew you threw me away like a piece of fucking garbage.” His face twists like just remembering what happened is causing him pain.

  I’m speechless. I have no idea how to respond to him. I texted him like crazy that morning, trying to see him before I left, feeling abandoned by the person I loved. Dan broke us up? He must have deleted the messages he sent. He kissed me? He took advantage of me when I was asleep.

  An overwhelming sense of betrayal settles over me. How could I have not known? Am I that ba
d a judge of character? My husband, the one person that swore to love and honor me built our bond and marriage on a lie. Tears form in my eyes for so many different reasons.

  I look back up at Brian not knowing what to say to him. What can you say in this situation? “None of it was true.” I whisper still in shock and disbelief.

  “Yeah, I kind of figured given your reaction, Jules. Back then I thought you just decided that I wasn’t good enough for you, to give you what you were used to having.”

  “I told you so many times that stuff never mattered to me,” I whisper not feeling as brave and confident as I had a few minutes ago.

  He gets up and sits next to me. His hands tangle in my hair as he lifts my head and looks in my eyes. “I know that, but I let my fears take over. I was always scared I wasn’t enough for you. You were my entire world, Jules, and I felt like I didn’t belong in yours. I believed it because it was my worst fear, but I never stopped loving you.”

  His mouth moves to connect with mine. I get lost with him for a minute, and it feels like nothing has changed, like we are still two kids who are crazy in love with each other. When his tongue skims the line of my lips it zaps me back to reality. I pull away from him.

  “We can’t do this. I can’t do this, not right now at least. Honestly, I’m not sure if I can ever do this.” I can’t look at him as I say this.

  “What are you taking about? I still love you as much as I did back then, in fact I love you even more. I know you still love me, I can see it in your eyes. There’s nothing stopping us now.” I can hear the plea in his voice and it’s killing me.

  I stand up needing to distance myself from him. “No. I’m not ready. My husband just died, Brian. He was murdered.”

  “Yea and he was a fucking liar, Jules.” The contempt and anger are back in his voice.

  “That doesn’t mean that I didn’t love him! The pain is still there, Brian! It doesn’t just disappear because I find out that he did something really shitty years ago!” I’m so conflicted right now. I hate what Dan did to me, to Brian. That doesn’t erase the last almost six years of loving him.