Blonde With a Wand

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

  Jasper smiled, or at least his inner man smiled. Cat lips didn’t work into a smile very well. He hadn’t asked to be here, hadn’t asked to be turned into a cat, for God’s sake, and he was making the best of a lousy deal. If he could talk, he would have told Anica the mess was all Orion’s fault.

  As a side benefit, some of the belligerence had drained out of the big orange cat. He flopped down on the carpet, panting. He might not thank Jasper for the game of chase, but it had been good for him. He also might be too worn out to launch into a fight.

  Anica stared at the carnage as if she couldn’t quite believe it. From the way she ran the coffee shop, Jasper had assumed she was a tidy person. He’d never noticed trash lying around and coffee spills were wiped up immediately.

  At first Anica wandered around trying to straighten and pick up, but finally she plopped down on the sofa and buried her face in her hands. She sounded whipped. “I’m just not used to trying to clean without magic. I guess I’ll have the same problem at the coffee shop.”

  That got Jasper’s attention. Had she depended on magic to help her run the coffee shop efficiently? Maybe Wicked Brew always looked spotless because she’d waved her wand and made it so. If she was used to solving her problems with a magic wand she would be very motivated to return him to normal so she could get her abilities back.

  He had to admit this was justice in its purest form, and he hoped she’d learned a lesson. He certainly had. Never assume that your new girlfriend is an ordinary woman. She could be a witch who will turn you into a cat if she gets mad at you. That was his main takeaway from this experience.

  A key turned in the front door and Anica got up to greet Lily.

  Last night Lily had come striding through the door ready for action. This morning she moved slowly, as if her muscles weren’t on board with the concept of being upright. Jasper felt a twinge of remorse and snuffed it out. Lily had the misfortune to be related to Anica, who had created this mess.

  He’d never had a sibling, but if he’d been that lucky he would have expected his sister or brother to stand by him in times like these. He was frankly relieved that Lily had shown up. He’d been a little worried she might not.

  She didn’t look ready to work magic, though. Her dark hair was still damp from the shower and she had a different type of running shoe on each foot. Her red sweat suit had seen better days, and she hadn’t bothered with makeup.

  She clutched a travel mug as if it contained the elixir of life. She gazed at Anica through heavy-lidded eyes. “The sun’s not up.”

  “I know.” Anica hurried into the kitchen. “I’ll make espresso.”

  “Your apartment’s completely trashed.”

  “I know that, too.”

  Lily wandered over to the computer. “Guess who was on the bus?” she called to Anica.

  “Who?” Anica called back.

  “Nobody! It’s freakin’ six a.m., Anica, and I—hello.” She stared at the screen. “Uh, who typed this message?”

  “Jasper. While I was sleeping.”

  Lily scanned the words Jasper had painstakingly typed. Then she turned and her gaze met Jasper’s. “Well done. I wouldn’t have used the litter box, either.”

  “You see why I had to contact you. He’s gone to a lot of work to make sure we get started nice and early.” Anica closed a cupboard door and the espresso machine began to rumble and hiss. “He also pulled up a Google site on magic.”

  Lily inclined her head in Jasper’s direction. “I can see we’re dealing with a resourceful guy.”

  “Yep,” Anica called from the kitchen.

  Lily sat in the desk chair. “I hope you realize that transforming him back could mean a whole lot of trouble for you.”

  “I’m well aware of that.”

  “Have you considered not changing him back?”

  In the silence that followed, Jasper’s blood ran cold.

  Chapter 6

  Because Anica wasn’t stupid she realized that Jasper couldn’t take his revenge on her if she left the spell in place. She wouldn’t get her magic back, but most of the world operated without magic, so she should be able to.

  But keeping Jasper in his present state would be immoral and she wouldn’t consider it, no matter what consequences she had to suffer. Still, every time she thought about how miserable he could make her life once he’d returned to human form, she shuddered.

  Lily was engrossed in whatever she’d found on the Internet when Anica came in with the espresso. A demitasse hadn’t seemed adequate to what they were dealing with this morning, so she’d given them each a mug full.

  She set one down on the desk next to Lily. “That should set your tonsils to vibrating.”

  “Thanks. Got any doughnuts?”

  “Day old.”

  “Don’t care.”

  Anica returned to the kitchen and came back with a box she’d brought home from Wicked Brew yesterday. She opened it and put it on the other side of the keyboard. Normally she’d be worried about crumbs in her keyboard, but at this point, needing Lily’s help the way she did, she wasn’t going to fret about a few crumbs.

  She peered over Lily’s shoulder. “Anything?”

  “This is my favorite site. I should have thought of going to it last night.” Lily highlighted a recipe. “Do you have these ingredients?”

  “I picked up some mugwort the other day, so yeah, I have everything.”

  “Think you could get him to drink it?”

  “This is a guy who pecked out a message with his paws and went online using the mouse. I think he’d drink anteater pee if he thought it would work.”

  Lily grinned. “Anteater pee?”

  “Just an illustration. I think he’s desperate.”

  “Notice that it takes at least eight hours to work.”

  “I did.” Anica read through the instructions again. “But I like the way this is presented.”

  “He should be watched all day.”

  Anica glanced at her. “If you’d take the first part of this morning . . .”

  “I was afraid you’d ask me that.”

  “Once I get Wicked Brew up and running, I can leave again, but I need to be there first thing. In fact, I should be there in about forty-five minutes.”

  Lily blew out a breath. “Can you be home by eleven?”

  “I should be. It’s not like I’ll get caught up in traffic or anything. That’s why I rented this apartment, so I could walk to work and back.”

  “Okay, I’ll just stay jacked up on espresso until you get home. But leave the shop earlier if you can. I need my beauty sleep before I head off to work at five.”

  “Deal. Ready to try making the potion?”

  “Something’s better than nothing.” Lily hit the PRINT button and the small unit under the desk started squeaking.

  Before Anica realized that Jasper had moved, he was under the desk, trying to grab the paper out of the printer.

  “Hey!” Anica picked him up. “We need that.”

  “So does he.” Lily gave the cat a speculative look. “Do you suppose he was trying to get the recipe for himself?”

  Anica scratched behind Jasper’s ears. “Anything’s possible. Orion used to be fascinated by the printer, for different reasons of course, but he’s lazier these days.”

  “Orion’s fatter these days. How’s the diet working out?”

  “I don’t think he’s lost much. I’ve tried to get him to exercise, but he’s not the type to leap for feathers or chase a jingling ball. He loved chasing Jasper, though.”

  “So I see from the wreckage he left in his wake.”

  Anica grimaced. “I hate to ask, but can you clean it up for me?”

  “If this potion works, you’ll be able to do it yourself.”

  If the potion worked, the cat in her arms, the one she was so affectionately petting, would soon be a man she used to dream of having sex with. Now she only hoped he wouldn’t ruin her life. Feeling less affectionate, she put him down.
Orion had climbed on a chair and was sound asleep, so Jasper was safe for now.

  “Let’s cook us up a recipe.” Lily grabbed the printout and stood.

  Anica took a deep breath. “Okay.”

  As they headed for the kitchen, Jasper at their heels, Lily lowered her voice and leaned toward Anica. “Before we do this, make sure changing him back is what you want.”

  “Of course it is.” Shielding her gesture with one hand, she pointed frantically at the cat following them into the kitchen. Jasper’s hearing was better than hers.

  “Uh, good point.” Lily reached for the pocket door and slid it closed in Jasper’s face. Then she walked over and turned on the blender, which still held last night’s magic margarita.

  “This is silly. He’ll know we’re talking about him.”

  “But he won’t know what we’re saying. Anyway, have you thought this through?”

  It was a strange comment coming from the woman who hardly ever thought things through, but Anica’s world had turned topsy-turvy in the past few hours. “What’s to think about? I can’t take a life and that’s essentially what I’d be doing.”

  Lily crossed her arms and leaned against the counter. “Noble sentiment, sis. But he’s smart and he’s pissed. Plus he’s capable of shitty behavior. You changed him into a cat for a reason. What was it?”

  Anica told her about Sheila.

  “So he’s a player.”

  “I guess, although I really thought he cared about me.”

  Lily rolled her eyes. “Then he’s a polished player, which is worse. No telling how many women he’s seduced with that technique. I don’t blame you for drawing your wand. I would’ve been tempted, too.”

  “I didn’t draw my wand at first. I wouldn’t have done anything to him, except when I tried to end the relationship he followed me and kept insisting that he hadn’t done anything wrong, even after I laid out his sins in detail. He still wouldn’t take no for an answer, and then he grabbed me and tried to kiss me, even after I told him not to.”

  Lily threw up her hands. “I would have wanded him just for that alone! And you want to take a chance on jeopardizing your future by turning this guy loose?”

  “Yes.”

  “Look, I admit he’s pathetic now, but that’s always the way. Some guy finally gets what’s coming to him, and then everybody feels sorry for the bastard. I say he’ll make a really nice cat, especially after he’s neutered.”

  “Lily!”

  She shrugged. “I’ve had a few men in my life that deserved that fate. Don’t blame me for wanting to act out a long-cherished fantasy.”

  “Jasper is not getting neutered, and no matter what I have to do I’m going to see that he becomes a man again.”

  “If the issue is losing your magic, then—”

  “It’s only a secondary consideration.”

  “We could appeal to the Wizard Council, Anica. There are mitigating circumstances.”

  “Not really. I lost my temper and invoked a spell I hadn’t researched. I don’t care what Jasper did; my reaction was irresponsible. I need to set him free again. That may not even be enough to return my magic powers to me, but I have to do it for his sake.”

  “Oh, Zeus’s balls, you’re such a Goody Two-shoes! It’s nauseating.”

  Anica gazed at her sister. “Please say you’ll help me.”

  “Yeah, though it pains me, I’ll help you. But I want to go on the record as being opposed to this plan.”

  Jasper crouched by the closed kitchen door, trying to hear what was being said, but the noise of the blender drowned out most of the conversation. What he did hear made him quiver with dread. He’d distinctly heard Lily say after he’s neutered.

  He knew they were deciding his fate in there, and he had no idea how it would go. Sometimes Anica seemed to look kindly on him, but Lily was tougher. If she had enough influence over her sister, his ass could be in a sling.

  But wait! The computer was still on. They’d left the magic recipe on the screen, and he could memorize it. How he’d mix the ingredients he didn’t know, but if they decided not to brew that potion, he wanted the chance to make it himself.

  Trotting back to the desk, he hopped on the chair and with a whisk of his paw refreshed the screen. Then he looked at the ingredients. Gross. Anteater pee might be easier to swallow than this junk.

  Unfortunately it would take about eight hours to work. That was disappointing. Anica had been able to change him in the blink of an eye, so why couldn’t he revert back just as fast? Damn magic.

  Despite the drawbacks of the recipe, he memorized it, anyway, just in case. Anica was right. He was desperate, ready to do whatever he had to in order to become a man again.

  He missed everything about his other life—his condo with its king-sized bed, his walk-in shower, his big-screen TV, his ESPN, his Heineken. Anica didn’t seem to own a TV. How could someone live without such an essential piece of equipment?

  As he committed the potion ingredients to memory, he smelled something putrid coming from the kitchen. They were brewing a potion, all right, but was it the one to change him back or one to permanently seal his fate as a cat? They’d closed him out of the kitchen, so he hadn’t been able to watch them make it.

  God, this sucked. And he’d thought his worst nightmare would be a major loss in the commodities market. He looked at the time at the bottom of the computer screen. Still early. Nobody would miss him at the office for at least another two hours.

  He should find a way to remind Anica to call in sick for him. If the potion worked, though, he’d only miss one day. By tomorrow at this time he’d be back in his condo, ready to shower and get himself to the office before the market opened.

  Needless to say, he wouldn’t stop by the Wicked Brew for his usual latte. But to jump on the El and ride it to work would be heaven. He’d never appreciated how great his life was until it had been ripped from him.

  When the kitchen door slid open, Jasper leaped from the desk chair and pretended he’d been lying in the middle of the grungy carpet all along. No use tipping his hand. He’d considered sending out an SOS to one of his buddies, but what the hell would he say? I’ve been turned into a tomcat. Come rescue me.

  His friends would laugh and think he’d come up with the most outrageous joke yet. He knew that he had a reputation for being the cool guy who dated the hottest chicks. He was proud of that reputation and didn’t want to damage it. Crazy e-mails pleading for help weren’t a good idea.

  Anica approached him with a bowl. She still wore her terry bathrobe and the turban around her freshly washed hair. Not every woman could carry off that look, but she could, not that he cared. She was no longer a romantic interest. There was a gigantic understatement.

  “We have something for you, Jasper,” she said. “I can’t guarantee that it’ll turn you back into your normal self, but the information on the Internet site was promising.”

  He looked into her eyes and tried to tell if she was lying. He discovered that his cat instincts seemed to detect whether someone was sincerely interested in his welfare or not. Anica gave off sincerity in waves.

  The stuff in the bowl smelled like they’d ladled it out of a sewer. Why couldn’t a magic potion smell like a bowl of strawberries? You’d think if witches could brew up potions, they could find a way to make them smell good at the same time.

  As he was bracing himself for the challenge ahead, someone knocked on the apartment’s door. Jasper froze in place. Should he make a break for it if Anica opened the door?

  No, that was panic talking. He might have the recipe for the transformation in his head, but he couldn’t shop for the ingredients, couldn’t use cooking utensils, probably would burn the condo down if he tried to operate the stove.

  “I know you’re up,” called a voice Jasper recognized. “I heard you turn on the blender.”

  Yikes. It was the woman who’d walked home with Anica while she carried him wrapped in his clothes. It was the woman wh
o had wanted his balls whacked off. He edged toward the bedroom, where he could take refuge under the bed.

  Anica scooped him into her arms before he made it to the hall. “It’s just Miss Shoumatoff,” she said. “Don’t be scared.”

  Scared? Nah, he was terrified. Any woman who could speak so casually about turning him into a eunuch was a woman to be avoided at all costs. But Anica held him fast as she walked to the door and unlocked it.

  The hateful woman stood in the hallway with a pet carrier in her hand. “I see you still have that stray.”

  “Yes, I do.” Anica scratched gently behind Jasper’s ears.

  He shouldn’t like that, but to his shame he loved it. Ears must be an erogenous zone for a cat. His anxiety level decreased the longer Anica kept up the soft caress.

  “There’s a free spay-neuter clinic today,” Shoumatoff said. “So just let me take him and save you the trouble. I’ll keep him until you get home later.”

  Jasper glanced over Anica’s shoulder and there was Lily, smirking. Oh yeah, this was hilarious. A real laugh riot. He struggled to get away, but Anica held him tight.

  “Thank you, Miss Shoumatoff,” she said, “but I plan to take him to my personal vet.”

  Jasper had to believe that was a lie.

  Shoumatoff frowned. “He’ll charge a fee, won’t he?”

  “Yes, but my vet should get to know him if this cat is going to be part of my household.”

  Surely Anica was making this up as she went along. Jasper prayed that was the case. The thought of becoming part of Anica’s household, eating from a dish on the counter every day—he might have to drown himself in the toilet bowl if it came to that.

  Then he had another horrible thought. If Anica couldn’t change him back, she would feel obliged to keep him, and she really would take him to her personal vet. Jasper began to tremble as that potential eventuality played in his mind in excruciating detail.