This Is Our Love Song

by Ryan Loveless

  He began to cry. Not sobbing, end of the world crying, but the kind in which your eyes water and your lip trembles and your knees get wobbly from trying not to cry. Well, shit. I didn’t have a clue what to do, so I fell back on what’s worked in my family over the years… rapid, intense apologizing.

  “Shut up, shut up, shut up.” Travis sniffle-laughed and finally broke through my desperate, lost attempt to put this right. “I love you back. I do. I just got scared. I thought of my family and I got scared.” He flung his arms around me and held me. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and I want them to accept you. All of them. My sisters, I mean, and I’m so worried they won’t love you too because… because I’m gay and….”

  “Travis? Honey?” I loosened his arms so I could look up into his eyes. “I know you’re gay. It’s kind of a key component of why we’re together. I want to meet your family. How about you arrange it, and we’ll deal with how they handle us after we see how they handle us. All right?” I wiped his nose for him. If that’s not love….

  “You’re sure?”

  “When I came out, I got thousands of death threats. Russell was arrested twice after he punched someone who insulted me. I think I can handle two homophobic sisters. I’m still standing after all that. Hell, I won a lot of those people over. I’m not worried.”

  “Jordana never told me about that.”

  “They kept it out of the news.” I figured it was time for a kiss, so I indulged. Travis latched on to me and tried to suck my tongue out of my mouth. It was so unsexy I had to shove him away before I started laughing. He grinned and wiped his mouth.

  “I’m sorry I was such a dick today.”

  “You were worried. Next time, we talk about it.”

  He nodded. “Promise.”

  I grabbed his hand and pulled him back toward the ballroom. “Come on. I have a surprise planned for the bride.”

  Inside, I sent Travis over to the edge of the dance floor, and went to find Jordana’s father, Martin. I’d had an idea, which I’d cleared with him, and now it was time to put it into action. Aside from singing in front of my master class students, I hadn’t performed in public for quite some time. I tried not to think about how this would be the first time I sang in front of Travis. I walked up to the bandstand, where the bandleader waited for me. As I approached, he announced the father-daughter dance. I picked up my guitar, which Angie had delivered, checked the tuning, and began to play. The song was “More I Cannot Wish You” from Guys and Dolls. Martin had picked it, and from Jordana’s reaction, it was a special song to her too. She looked radiant as she danced with her father.

  Afterward, she rushed up and hugged me. “Keelin! You didn’t have to do that!”

  I squeezed her. Her dress was damp with sweat, and her face was flushed. “It’s your wedding gift. You didn’t think I’d stop with an extra lesson, did you?” Malik stood by her side. “And I’m covering your honeymoon. Two weeks in the Caribbean, right?” That earned me a bear hug from him. I grinned through the pain.

  AS WE rode in a cab back to my place, Travis was quiet. “What are you thinking about?” I asked.

  “You have an amazing voice. Do you really never think about being a singer again?”

  “I am a singer,” I said calmly.

  “No, but I mean in front of people. Stadiums, like you used to.”

  “I’m not going to lie. Sometimes I miss it. But I like the life I have now. I love it. And I don’t want to change it.” I squeezed his hand. “Not now.”

  “You’re sure? Because I bet you could go back and be that again, if you wanted to. You’re really good, Keelin.”

  A ripple of affection, lust, and gratitude zipped through my body at his words and touch. “I am who I want to be right now. If I wasn’t in this place, now, I wouldn’t have you.”

  Travis smiled and somehow looked even younger. “Then I’m glad.”

  “The wedding was beautiful,” I said. “I’ve been to a lot of weddings, and I think that was one of the best. It was low-key but glamorous. Do you think they were happy with it?”

  “I think it’s exactly what they wanted. Did you see Jordana didn’t stop smiling all night? And I caught Malik getting teary a few times.”

  “I saw you crying a little too.” I poked him.

  He grinned and poked me back. “Okay, kettle. My best friends got married, so I sprung a leak. Sue me. Plus, I was worried about us.”

  “You don’t need to worry about us. We’re good.” I leaned over and put my head on his shoulder.

  “If Angie’s in your house when we get there, I’m kicking her out so fast,” Travis promised.

  The cab pulled up to my front door. “Deal.”

  Travis swiped his credit card through the pay point, we both thanked the driver, and the race was on to get up the steps and inside.

  Chapter Ten

  MY DARK jeans were the only thing I allowed Travis to see of my Meeting His Family outfit. But when we entered his parents’ building, I opened my jacket to reveal an argyle sweater layered over a baby blue mock turtleneck. I’d also brought a bouquet of pink and yellow roses.

  “You do realize we’re not in a fifties sitcom, right?” he asked.

  I hoisted the bouquet. “Friendship and admiration.”

  “The sweater?”

  “The roses. Wait, you don’t like my jumper?”

  “It’s… something.”

  I grinned. “I figure if the conversation has a lull, we can talk about it.”

  “When was the last time you met anyone’s parents?”

  I turned to the door, delighted with his reaction. “Do we knock or…?”

  “They’re probably listening to us. These walls are thin as paper.” He knocked, and sure enough, the door opened so fast it made me jump.

  Ramona Deak greeted us with a big grin. She hugged Travis first, then held her arms out to me. “Keelin! We’ve heard so much about you.” She gave Travis a perturbed look. “Mainly from Jordana.”

  “Thank you for inviting me over,” I said as I stepped into her embrace. “Travis said you liked roses.”

  “I do. My, what an interesting sweater.”

  “It’s Travis’s favorite. I hoped you’d like it too.” I held my smile as he punched me in the arm.

  Ramona chuckled. “I’ll put these in a vase. David’s in here.” We followed her through the foyer into the living room. Pictures of Travis and his family decorated the walls, including ones of him with his sisters. A small white terrier bounced around our feet. Travis reached down and scooped it up.

  “Hey, Pop.” Travis shook David’s hand and bent down for a kiss.

  “Welcome, son!” David had a preacher’s voice. It was no stretch to imagine him reaching it all the way up to the Lord. “Keelin, hello. Glad you could make it.”

  “Thank you, sir,” I said. “It’s good to meet you.”

  “I want to hear all about you. All we know from Travis is that he likes you, but you’re older, aren’t you? Forty?”

  “In a few weeks,” I said. “I know. That was a concern of mine too. Honestly, this is the biggest age difference in terms of a relationship I’ve ever had. I’m a little surprised it’s going so well, but I think we have a lot of shared experiences.”

  David wrinkled his brow. “How so?”

  Ramona returned to hear my answer. “Well, we both come from a background of expectation and working hard. We’ve both earned what we have. Travis is loyal to his friends. I’m loyal to mine. We share the same values, which I think is an important core for a relationship.”

  “I’m glad to hear you say that,” David said. “Do you go to church?”

  “Not regularly. I did when I was a kid, of course. Pretty much had to, but when I started touring we didn’t really have time. And I guess I just lost the habit.”

  “Well, we would be very glad if you boys started that up again. I know Travis hasn’t been in God’s house for some time either,” Ramona said.
>
  Travis snorted. “You find me one that doesn’t tell me I’m going to burn in hell and I’ll go.”

  “How about mine?” David asked.

  “Pop, maybe you won’t be preaching it, but that won’t stop your congregants from telling me so.”

  “Well, I’ll preach to them to stop doing that!” He rose up in the chair as the spark of Jesus lit in his eyes.

  “And what about Tisha and Leann?” Travis asked. “Are you going to preach to them too?”

  “We’ll handle your sisters,” Ramona said. “If your father and I can come around, they can too. Sit down, stay awhile.”

  Travis sighed. Nudging me toward the couch, he sat down beside me with the dog still in his arms. “I wish someone would tell them that, because they don’t seem to think so. They couldn’t even come today?”

  David huffed. “I’ve prayed about it, and I’ve yelled at them. I don’t know how I raised kids so stubborn.”

  “Maybe if you hadn’t preached about it so much.” Travis’s jaw clenched as he spoke.

  “I’m sorry for that, son. I truly am. I hope we can concentrate on the present.” After Travis nodded, he continued, “Keelin, we are so pleased to meet you. I understand you used to be a professional singer, and you’re a music teacher now?”

  I gently slid my hand into Travis’s, forcing him to ease his grip on the little dog. It scurried away behind Ramona’s chair. “Yes, sir. I teach at NYU, and I help out at the teen center where Travis works now too.”

  “Free classes at the Y as well, I hear.”

  “I try to keep that out of the news, but, yeah. I give lessons there with payment on a sliding scale. Most of the time I waive the fee. How did you know?”

  “Jordana.”

  I laughed. “Of course. I think she might know more about me than I do.” David cracked a smile.

  Despite the lack of Travis’s sisters, we had a good afternoon together. As we left, David and Ramona promised again to intercede with the girls, but I could see Travis didn’t hold out much hope of their coming around.

  “YOUR PARENTS were nice.” I darted our Zipcar into traffic from my parallel parking spot. City drivers didn’t slow down for merging, so fast was the only way to go.

  “I think they liked you too,” Travis said.

  “And you were worried.”

  “Well, I didn’t know Jordana had told them all about you! I didn’t even know they talked to each other,” Travis protested.

  I drummed the steering wheel. “I’m glad we went. So what now? I don’t feel like going home. Do you want to see a movie? Or maybe try for a show?”

  “We’re dressed up already, may as well make it a show. I’ll see what’s available.” He pulled up the ticketing app on his phone. “There’s a ton of stuff. Play or musical?”

  “Musical.”

  Travis laughed. “Why did I even ask?”

  While he searched, my phone rang. Russell’s name lit up the screen. “Can you…?” I gestured to it on the dash.

  Travis turned the speaker on.

  “Russell!”

  “Hey, Keelin! What’s up?” It seemed like forever since I’d heard his voice.

  “I’m in the car with Travis. We just had dinner with his parents.”

  “Hey,” Travis said.

  “Hiya,” Russell said. “Travis, the new man, right? Paeder told me.”

  “You talked to Paeder?” I asked.

  “Yeah, he said you guys seem really good together.”

  Travis and I shared looks of amazement.

  “I’m really happy for you, but that’s not why I’m calling.”

  “Okay.” Russell rarely called needing something.

  “I’ve been working with Andrew and Michael on this album they’re writing for a new artist I’m producing. She’s seventeen, Welsh, and sings like Patsy Cline, Shirley Bassey, like old-school. Amazing rich, smoky voice, you know?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “There’s one song that has to go on the album. It’s a duet, and I want you to do it with her.”

  “As like a demo?” I asked.

  “No. To actually go on the album. She’s a huge fan of yours, Keelin. This would be amazing for her. She’d be over the moon.”

  “I’ll be happy to send her a signed photo.”

  Russell sighed. “I know you think you don’t sing anymore, but this song is beautiful.”

  “Is it a love song? Because I’m not singing a love duet with a seventeen-year-old girl.”

  “It’s not a love song. It’s a fun song. Nothing weird, I promise. Look, you want me to sing it for you now?”

  “And remind me why you were the one always standing in the back? No, thanks.”

  Russell laughed. “Fine. I’m emailing it to you. Listen and call me when you’re ready to say yes.”

  “Who else do you have in mind?”

  “You’re the first person I thought of.”

  “Who’s the next person?”

  “Josh Groban.”

  “What about Paeder? He’d be a better match to a smoky voice.”

  There were a few seconds of silence. “Paeder’s busy at the moment.”

  “You asked him first, didn’t you?”

  “I didn’t think I’d have to twist his arm so much. He suggested you, but you were my next call anyway. Look, I think you’ll really enjoy this. It’s just one song. It’s not a tour commitment. I’m not asking you to make a solo album.”

  “Good, because the last time I tried that it set a record for how fast it fell off the charts.”

  “At least it charted. If you do this and she books a gig in New York, maybe you could sing with her. That’s it, the only obligation, and it’s up to you.”

  “He misses performing,” Travis said. I glared at him. “He sang at our friends’ wedding. He loved it.”

  “See?” Russell crowed. “I’m going to send you that song.” He hung up before I could respond, so I turned my exasperation to Travis.

  “Seriously?”

  “You said you didn’t want stadiums anymore. You didn’t say you didn’t want an audience.”

  I sighed. “Fine. I’ll hear the song. Andrew and Michael wrote Icon’s last album, and they still work with Paeder a lot. If it’s their song, I’m sure it’s good.”

  A second later the phone rang again. This time Andrew’s name appeared.

  “Hey, Drew,” I said. “I was just telling my boyfriend how good you are.”

  “Uh, I hope you mean in the songwriting sense, because if it’s in the sexual sense, then it’s my husband you’d be talking about.”

  “Oh my God, that was platonic,” I said. “Jamie and I have never—”

  “I know.” He laughed. “I believe you.”

  “You fall asleep on someone’s bed one time….”

  “Four times,” Andrew corrected. “With cuddling.”

  I glanced at Travis, who looked way too delighted with the conversation.

  “So, Russell told me there’s a song you want me to sing?”

  “Yeah. Michael’s here too. We’re going to run through it for you. Uh. I’ll be singing both parts, since Michael can’t sing.”

  “My fatal flaw,” Michael said cheerfully. “By the way, when are you coming out here?”

  “If he agrees to record this song, probably next month,” Andrew answered for me.

  “Let me hear it first,” I said.

  Michael took that as his cue and began to play. Three minutes later, the most addictive song I’d ever heard ended. Even with Andrew singing falsetto on the female parts, I loved it. I looked over at Travis, and he clasped his hands over his heart.

  “Well?” Andrew asked.

  “I will call you guys back.” I reached up and ended the call.

  “I don’t know much about music, but that song needs to be in the world,” Travis said.

  “I agree. I just don’t know if I’m the one who needs to put it out there.”

  “Why not?” />
  “For starters, I’m not famous anymore, nor was I ever famous in the States. Having me on the track isn’t going to give it a boost, and it deserves airplay.”

  Travis crossed his arms. “You’re scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “You tell me! Because you just gave a really shitty excuse for not doing something. You just had three people who are great at their jobs asking you to do this. Four if you count Paeder. Five if you count the girl. They’re obviously not worried about that. When I asked you if you wanted to perform again, you shut that conversation down so fast. Did you get stage fright or something?”

  I gave myself a minute to figure out what I wanted to say. “Look, it’s not just the performing. That life comes with a lot of things I’m not interested in anymore. I don’t want to tour. I don’t want to deal with groupies or record labels or people telling me what to do constantly.”

  “It’s one song.”

  “It’s never just one song. I’m telling them no.”

  “Suit yourself.”

  “Are you angry at me now?” I asked.

  “No! But you’re passing this opportunity up—”

  “Travis, I had my opportunity twenty-five years ago, and I jumped on it then and rode it all the way around the world. Now I’m happy teaching. I love watching my students succeed. Believe me, you don’t want to date the guy who goes onstage every night and doesn’t want to be there.”

  He took a breath. “You’re right. I’m sorry. You know what’s best for you.”

  “Thank you. So, what musical do you want to see?”

  “Something Rotten or Book of Mormon?”

  “I haven’t seen Book of Mormon yet.”

  He tapped his phone. “Tickets bought.”

  “Great.” I still felt some tension in the car. Travis stayed quiet, so maybe he felt it too.

  He decided to break it with another awkward question. “So who’s Andrew’s husband that you didn’t sleep with?”

  “Jamie Webster.”

  He turned to me, aghast. Apparently Travis didn’t know who Icon was, but he’d heard of Jamie. “You had a chance to fuck Jamie Webster and you didn’t take it?”