Finding Ashley

by Danielle Steel

  “What do I call you?”

  “Whatever you like,” Melissa said with a shy smile.

  “Marla prefers for me to call her by her first name, so I always have, or at least for a long time. Would Mom be too weird?” She looked hesitant, and Melissa smiled broadly.

  “I’d love it, although I haven’t earned it and probably don’t deserve it,” she said. “But I’d be honored.”

  “What choice did you have at sixteen?” Michaela said gently, and went right to the heart of the matter.

  “That’s true, but I always wanted to find you later, when I was older. The nuns burning the records changed all that. I almost died when they told me, when I called them to find you, or at least get some information about where you were.”

  “Yeah, me too. They told me the same thing when I called them, that the records had been destroyed in a fire and were gone forever. I called on my eighteenth birthday. I thought then they’d give me the information, but it was gone. That was fifteen years ago, and now here we are. You’re beautiful,” she said to Melissa, looking shy again. And Hattie was right. Melissa could see too that Michaela looked like their mother, in a softer version, but didn’t act like her. She was warm and affectionate and forgiving. There was no hint of reproach in anything she said to Melissa, and the time flew as they talked. She asked about Robbie, and told Melissa how sorry she was about it. She’d read Melissa’s books and told her she loved them. She talked about David and what a good person he was and how much she loved him, and showed her pictures of Andy and Alexandra and told her about them. “Andy loves anything to do with Superman or outer space. Alex loves clothes, as long as they’re pink or purple and have sparkles on them.” Melissa made a mental note for future presents. She suddenly had grandchildren, and a daughter, someone to talk to and call and worry about. She was sorry they didn’t live closer, and Michaela said she wanted her to come for Thanksgiving and meet her other mother, Marla.

  “I’d love to, and that scares me to death. Have you told her about me yet?”

  “I will now. I wanted to meet you first, and make sure that everything was okay.” Melissa was everything Michaela had hoped she would be. She wasn’t as outgoing as her sister, whom Michaela already loved, but there was something very touching about her shyness. It made her seem vulnerable and somewhat fragile, in spite of all the hard things she’d been through, which suggested strength. She seemed like a very discreet, kind, intelligent person to Michaela. She wasn’t effusive or showy, but there was something very quietly profound and real about her. She was the kind of person one could count on. Melissa told Michaela about the house in the Berkshires and how much she wanted her to see it.

  They were still talking intently when David arrived with the children. They had gone to the park. There was a playground in Central Park near the hotel. They were wearing matching red parkas and blue jeans and sneakers. Alexandra’s were pink with sparkles and lit up. Andrew’s had Superman on them, and Melissa smiled when she saw them.

  “This is your grandma,” Michaela explained. She had prepared them to meet her before they came, but now she was real.

  “Like Gigi Marla?” Andrew asked with interest.

  “Yes,” Michaela said simply. “Like that.”

  Melissa chatted with them for a few minutes, feeling awkward at the newness of it, but they were very polite, endearing children, as Hattie had said. Michaela left with her family a few minutes later, and they were meeting up again for dinner at an Italian restaurant in the neighborhood that the Mark had recommended. Melissa took a cab back to her own hotel then, and walked around for a little while, and then went back to her room.

  They met up again promptly at six. Melissa had put on another of her new sweaters, the pink one, for Alexandra. They all talked and laughed their way through dinner. She was back at her hotel at eight-thirty, overwhelmed by the abundant blessings of the day. She was going to the park with Michaela and the children the next day, while David went to his meetings.

  Melissa had fun running around with them at the playground and was tired at the end of the day. She wasn’t used to young children anymore, but she enjoyed it. She brought presents to dinner for them, a pink tutu with silver sparkles for Alexandra, and superhero pajamas for Andy she’d found at a children’s store. Hattie joined them for dinner, wearing jeans and one of her Disneyland sweatshirts. They all had a great time together. Michaela and David and the children were flying back to L.A. in the morning, and they talked about Thanksgiving again at dinner. They had so much to look forward to. The meetings in New York had been a great success, and every time Michaela called her “Mom,” she and Melissa smiled at each other, savoring the word and all it meant.

  Melissa hugged them all before they piled into a cab to go back to the Mark after dinner, and she walked Hattie to the subway to go back to the Bronx.

  “I still can’t believe this happened.” Melissa looked awestruck. “And you did it for me,” she said gratefully.

  “Neither can I,” Hattie said. It had shaken her faith in the Church she had dedicated eighteen years to, and her vocation, but when she saw the look in her sister’s eyes, it was worth it. Melissa looked happy again for the first time in years.

  “Do you want to come to L.A. for Thanksgiving with me?” Melissa invited her, but Hattie shook her head.

  “I need to be at the convent. We throw open our doors and serve free Thanksgiving dinners to the poor, and I’ll be working in the kitchen.” Melissa didn’t criticize her for it, or make a sarcastic comment as she would have in the past. She had deep respect for her sister now, and gratitude for what she had done. They hugged and Hattie hurried down the steps to the subway, and Melissa walked back to her hotel, thinking of the time she had just spent with her daughter and grandchildren, and she liked David too. He seemed reliable and warm, a good husband and father, and it was obvious that Michaela was happy and in love with him. She was only sorry Robbie hadn’t met them, and they’d never know him.

  Melissa was driving back to the Berkshires in the morning. She had a lot of time to think on the trip home. It reminded her of that saying in the Bible, about returning beauty for ashes. Her life had been so bitter for so long now, her losses so painful, and now she had this sudden, unexpected abundance of love and joy. She didn’t feel as though she deserved it, but she loved it.

  * * *

  —

  Norm called her as soon as she got home, and wanted to hear all about it. He hadn’t called her in New York because he didn’t want to disturb her. He offered to cook her dinner again that night and she accepted. He arrived with hamburgers and French fries from the local restaurant, with onion rings, and she pretended to be surprised.

  “What? No lobster?”

  “I didn’t have time to shop or cook,” he said sheepishly. “I came straight from a client meeting. They hate my design for their new pool and patio. Oh God, there are times when I think politics would have been easier. They want a guesthouse too, and they want it to look like Hansel and Gretel’s cottage. I won’t win any awards for this one.” She laughed at his description and the look on his face. Then she told him all about her two days with Michaela. She wore the new red sweater for him. He noticed it right away and said he liked it.

  “It sounds like a resounding success.” He celebrated with her as they poured ketchup on the French fries.

  “She called me Mom. Marla prefers to be called by her first name. She doesn’t want people to know she has such a grown-up daughter, and grandchildren. I kind of like it.”

  “What did they call you?”

  “Grandma Mel. It was all I could think of on the spur of the moment. I hadn’t thought about it before, I was so focused on Michaela. It bowled me over when she asked to call me Mom. I hope Marla doesn’t mind.”

  “It doesn’t sound like she will,” Norm said matter-of-factly, as they finished the bur
gers and he smiled at her.

  “I missed you,” he said in a soft voice, and then leaned over and kissed her. “I thought maybe we could pick up where we left off.”

  “And where was that?” she whispered in a silky tone, teasing him.

  “I’ll show you,” he whispered back, and fondled her breast as he kissed her. He hadn’t done that before. They were making rapid progress, but she didn’t object.

  They adjourned to the living room, and they kissed again, and his hands drifted all over her and under her sweater. Her eyes were closed and she arched her back as he kissed her breasts, took off her sweater and bra, and unzipped her jeans.

  “Let’s go upstairs,” he whispered, and then kissed her neck, and she nodded. He pulled her to her feet, and at the foot of the stairs, he swept her off her feet and carried her easily to her bedroom and deposited her gently on the bed. He was a strong man. She unbuttoned his shirt, and then his jeans, and a moment later, their bodies were intertwined on the bed, their clothes a tangled mass on the floor.

  It had been six years since she’d made love to any man, and she’d almost forgotten what it felt like. But it had never been like this with Carson. Their lovemaking had been familiar and predictable. The passion had gone out of it early on. Love had remained, but not excitement. Making love with Norm was like being swept away on a wave into the sky and beyond. He played her body like a finely tuned instrument, and together they reached heights she’d never been to before. She felt totally spent and sated when it was over and she lay blissful in his arms.

  “Oh my God, Norm, what did you do to me?” He smiled with pleasure at the look on her face, and kissed her nipples, which hardened at his touch.

  “I’ll show you again in a little while. I need to rest for a minute,” he said, settling down next to her with an arm around her, and he saw that she was smiling broadly. He loved to see it. As she kissed him, all she could think of was that her life had been empty for years, and suddenly she had a daughter, a son-in-law, grandchildren, and a man in her bed. An amazing man, and she was falling in love with him.

  He made a fast comeback, and they made love again a few minutes later, and this time she was exhausted when they stopped. He was tireless and an extraordinary lover.

  “Your lovemaking is even better than your cooking,” she said in a husky voice as she kissed his throat, and he laughed.

  “And you haven’t even had my soufflés yet!” he said, still laughing, and rolled over and made love to her again.

  Chapter 11

  After her first few days back after meeting Michaela in New York, Melissa was thinking quietly one morning over coffee, and decided to make a phone call. Norm had stayed with her almost every night, and she already felt as though they had been lovers forever. Their lives seemed in perfect harmony, and she was so comfortable with him, in and out of bed, that she felt totally at peace. She had never expected this to happen to her.

  She poured herself another cup of coffee and called Carson on his cellphone. He saw her name come up, as his phone sat on his desk, and he looked startled. He thought something bad must have happened, maybe to Hattie, or to Melissa herself, and answered immediately.

  “Mel?” he answered, worried.

  “Hi,” she said, not sure where to go from there.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I am,” she said, sounding at ease and grounded. It was odd hearing his voice again. The call was long overdue, and she had decided to reach out. She had been thinking about it for days. “I just wanted to say hello, and tell you I’m sorry.” She sounded sincere and he was surprised by what she said.

  “About what?” She hadn’t done anything to him lately, or even before. They’d had no contact, except her brief emails on Robbie’s anniversaries, and at Christmas, and when the fire was threatening.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so cut off. I just couldn’t talk for a while, to anyone. Something wonderful just happened and I wanted to share it with you.” He wondered if she’d met a man. She sounded like it. But he knew better than to ask. He wondered if she was getting married.

  “Hattie did something crazy this summer. She went to Ireland. The convent there gave her the same runaround they gave me, but she met an ex-nun who had worked there. Hattie found the baby.”

  “What baby?” He sounded shocked. The baby she’d had at sixteen was the farthest thing from his mind. It was surprising enough to hear from her, let alone figure out what she meant. She was speaking in riddles.

  “The baby I gave up.” She jogged his memory, and he reacted instantly.

  “Oh my God. How’d she do it? I thought they burned all the records.”

  “They did, but the nun Hattie met knew enough to piece it together. It was a long shot, but she found her.”

  “In Ireland?”

  “No, in L.A. I just spent two days with her last week. She’s a lovely girl, with a nice husband, and two very cute kids.” Melissa had a family again. It didn’t make up for losing Robbie. Nothing could ever replace him, but it was a gift nonetheless, and made an enormous difference. “I think I understand now how you feel about Jane’s two daughters. I hated that you were close to them, but it’s nice having kids and young people in my life again. I’m not sure how you bridge the gap of thirty-three years in this case, but she has a big heart and we seem to be doing it. I’m going to L.A. to spend Thanksgiving with them.”

  “I’m glad, Mel,” he said, sounding deeply moved to hear from her. “I think about you all the time. I hope you’re happy.”

  “I am. It’s better now. It’s taken a long time. It’s taken all four years I’ve been here to start to heal.” And finding Michaela had made a big difference. Somehow it gave her hope again, and a new outlook on everything. Her life was suddenly about who was in it, not just who was gone. Her sister had given her an immeasurable gift. “I’m sorry I was so hard on you, and so disconnected.”

  “You weren’t hard on me. You were broken. We both were, and we couldn’t fix each other.” He had needed Jane to help him recover from losing Robbie. Without her, he didn’t know how he would have survived it. Melissa had completely shut him out. “Have you gone back to writing yet?”

  “No, and I never will. Robbie took that with him.”

  “No, he didn’t. It’s still there. I hope you go back to it one day.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “I’m sorry to hear it, but I’m glad you found your daughter. Does she look like you?” He was curious about her.

  “Somewhat.” Melissa laughed. “She looks like my mother. I forgive her for it. She’s a very pretty girl.”

  “It’s nice of you to call and tell me.”

  “I thought it was time to reach out. It’s been too long.”

  “I understand,” he said gently.

  “Are you happy?” she asked in a soft voice.

  “Yes, I am. It’s different. It was never going to be the way it was with us. It was so exciting working with you on the books. Jane doesn’t have the kind of drive you did. She wants to keep it all small and in control. That works for her. We get along, and I enjoy her daughters.” It didn’t sound like a grand passion, but it seemed comfortable, and maybe for him that was enough. Melissa had been more fiery with him and he missed that. She was an enormous talent and a brilliant mind. He had never known anyone like her. It would be a real loss to her readers if she never wrote again. She sounded definite about it. “Maybe something will get you writing again.”

  “I hope not,” she said with feeling. “What I have now is enough. I love my house and where I live. I love working with my hands. And now I have Michaela, my daughter.” And Norm, but she didn’t say it.

  “I’m glad you called. Stay in touch, Mel, and congratulations on finding your daughter.” He remembered how devastated she had been when she found out the records had been destroy
ed, and knew she’d never see her again, and now she had. “And give Hattie my love.”

  “I will,” she promised.

  “Are you still mad at her?”

  “Not anymore. Not after what she did. I was foolish about that too. The convent suits her.”

  “Yes, it does.” They both had a warm feeling after they hung up, and she was glad she’d called him. It was time to stop running away and shutting everyone out, and being angry at them. She had wanted to make peace with him. It wasn’t his fault Robbie had died. No one was to blame for that. It had taken six-and-a-half years to begin to heal. Hattie had been a part of it, and Michaela, and now Norm, and Melissa herself. It was a long, painful process.

  * * *

  —

  The day after she called Carson, she got the results of the DNA test. It was conclusive, which they knew it would be. Michaela was her daughter. It was comforting to know. She’d had the test before she went to New York. She sent a text to Hattie, and emailed the results to Michaela, and signed it “Love, Mom.”

  * * *

  —

  Melissa’s and Michaela’s lives had improved exponentially as a result of Hattie finding Michaela. The one whose life had been negatively impacted was Hattie, Sister Mary Joseph. The unraveling of her religious life had begun when she went to Saint Blaise’s, saw the prison where Melissa had been, and her faith in the religious life began to spiral down faster when she met with Fiona Eckles. What she had seen and done there had driven her out of the Church, and Hattie was beginning to think it would have the same effect on her. She could no longer respect a church that had sold babies for profit, no matter how well intended their motives. It had only been a fluke, or a miracle, that she had found Michaela. The others weren’t as lucky, and they would never find their mothers. And the mothers who wanted to would never see their children again. It seemed a cruel turn of fate for all concerned. And women like Fiona had been injured too. Hattie couldn’t seem to recover from it.