Some Kind of Wonderful

by Barbara Freethy

  Talk about being ridiculous. He didn't have any rights over Caitlyn. She could kiss anyone she wanted, and he supposed her ex-fiancé probably had more in the way of rights than a neighbor she'd only met a few days earlier.

  But that didn't stop Matt from feeling distinctly pissed off. Brian was an ass. And Caitlyn should have her head examined for giving him a second chance. How much more did she need to see? Matt would bet at least twenty bucks that the guy had some other motive for wanting her back now. He just hadn't figured it out yet, but he would. And then he would tell Caitlyn.

  Why? A small voice inside his head asked. Why tell her? Why not let her go back to him? Then you won't have to worry about her. She'll get married and have babies and live happily ever after. And she certainly can't do that with you, because you're not ready to settle down. So why not let her go back to the boyfriend?

  Because he couldn't. It was the only answer he had.

  A tentative knock brought his head around in anticipation. Holding Emily in one arm, he opened the door, not sure who he wanted to see more, Sarah -- or Caitlyn.

  "Hi," Caitlyn said. She was still wearing her bathrobe, still appearing deliciously tousled and sleepy, making him think of how she would look in his bed with her long blond hair drifting across the pillow.

  He cleared his throat. "What do you want?"

  She straightened at his irritated tone. "Coffee. Do you have any?"

  It wasn't what he'd expected, but he tipped his head toward the kitchen. "It's strong."

  "Thank God," she murmured, heading toward the kitchen.

  He shut the door behind her and followed her into the kitchen, leaning against the counter as she poured coffee into a black mug and took a long, grateful sip.

  "Better?" he asked.

  "Slightly. You were a jerk, you know."

  "I've been worse."

  "Is that supposed to make it all right?"

  "You surprised me."

  "Well, Brian surprised me."

  "So you kissed him?"

  "Actually, he kissed me." She set the mug down on the counter. "Why does it matter to you?"

  "It doesn't. I told you I thought maybe Sarah was outside."

  She stared at him. "Was there any word from your investigator?"

  "As of an hour ago, she hadn't gone back to the shelter or to the apartment."

  "Maybe she isn't planning to go back."

  "Maybe not, but it's the only lead I've got."

  Emily started to squirm, and Caitlyn immediately reached for her.

  Matt let the baby go into her arms, feeling an unexpected wave of tenderness as Caitlyn cuddled the baby against her breasts. This was the way it should be -- a man, a woman, a child they both loved. He tried to shake the thought out of his head. But it wouldn't go. In fact, the voice in his head returned, stronger than ever.

  You could have this, Matt. You could have Caitlyn and Emily. The three of you could be a family, the family you've always wanted.

  Caitlyn sent him a funny look, and he hoped to hell she couldn't read his mind. "So what do you want?" he asked gruffly. "Besides coffee."

  She raised an eyebrow. "I don't want anything."

  "Then why are you here?"

  "I didn't like the way things went in the hall."

  "Well, lately nothing has gone right in that damn hallway. Every time I open my door I see something I don't want to see."

  "Me, too," she said with annoyance.

  He felt his temper rising along with his passion and everything else in his body. This woman was under his skin, and he wanted her out.

  "So, are you and lover boy getting back together?"

  "No."

  "Why not? Hasn't he groveled enough yet?"

  "Are you looking for a fight?"

  "Maybe I am."

  Caitlyn walked into the living room, carefully setting Emily in her car seat before looking back at him. "Gloves on or off?"

  "Off."

  "Fine." She put her hands on her hips. "Go ahead, get whatever it is off your chest."

  "You should take Bradley back."

  "Why is that?"

  "Because he's perfect for you. Roses last night. Kisses this morning. Or did they come with something else, diamonds maybe?"

  "He asked me to go to breakfast, not that it's any of your business."

  "Breakfast, perfect. Well thought out. If things go well, you can spend the whole day together."

  "I said no."

  "Why? I thought you wanted him back. I thought you said it was all your fault for acting the martyr, that he was completely blameless."

  "I didn't say that exactly."

  "Well, it doesn't matter. Because whether you say yes today or tomorrow, we both know that you will eventually say yes."

  "How do you know that?"

  "Because you'll give in," Matt replied, desperately wanting to convince her as well as himself. "Bradley is smart, persistent, probably habitually punctual. I bet he writes poetry."

  "He does not," she snapped, fire flashing in her eyes. "And his name is Brian."

  "Your parents love him. He fits right in. Hell, you probably love him, too. He's the kind of man you were raised to love."

  "You are so full of shit. You don't know how I was raised."

  "You were raised to want stability, to vote Republican, to have a savings account, to never read the newspaper. With Bradley, you can have everything you ever wanted -- the house in the suburbs, the husband, the baby--”

  "Stop right there," she said, her face red with anger. "You and your know-it-all attitude. You don't know what I want or who I want."

  "I know what you want," he interrupted. "I can see it every time you touch Emily. A look comes into your eyes that's incredibly maternal. You were born to be a mother. And I think Bradley would be very happy to make you one."

  "Well, he can't make me a mother; no one can," she cried.

  "What the hell are you talking about?" Her words didn't make sense to him.

  "I can't have children, Matt. I can't ever have children. You wanted to know my big secret -- there it is. Are you happy now?"

  "What?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

  "Don't make me say it again."

  No, it wasn't possible. It wasn't right. Caitlyn was meant to be a mother. He knew that deep down in his soul. "God, Cait, I didn't know--” He felt like a complete scumbag. He'd never meant to hurt her, never ever wanted to see such a look of pain in her eyes. But his damn jealousy had made him say things he shouldn't have.

  "Just shut up. You've said enough. More than enough."

  He grabbed her arm as she tried to leave.

  "Don't go. Let's talk about it."

  "I don't want to talk about it. I don't ever want to talk about it."

  "They don't know, do they? Not Brian or your parents or your friends? You haven't told them."

  Tears filled her eyes. "They wouldn't be able to accept it. They couldn't accept me. Don't you get it, Matt? When Brian said I was damaged, he was right. Only he didn't know just how right he was." She looked down at his hand on her arm. "Let me go, Matt. Please let me go."

  Chapter Twelve

  "I'm not letting you go," Matt said firmly. "Not like this."

  Caitlyn tried to pull her arm away, but his grip was like a vise. That was the problem with Matt. He never let go. He never walked away. He was like a leech, she thought with annoyance, sucking every last bit of blood out of her. "Not like what?" she asked. "What do you think you could possibly say now that would make a difference?"

  "I could start with I'm sorry."

  "It's not your fault." The kindness in his voice caught her off guard, and she felt the anger begin to slip away. She tried desperately to hang on to what little control she had left. She wished she'd never told him the truth, because just as she'd expected, the words had created a freight train of emotions filled with anger, grief, and hopelessness, knocking her completely off her feet.

  The weakness in her legs
made her sway, and Matt reacted by catching her other arm and pushing her down on the nearby couch. He sat next to her, wrapping one arm around her shoulders as he pulled her against his chest, tucking her head under his chin.

  His embrace was a warm cocoon of strength, security, and comfort. His shoulders were strong, his chest broad, and she thought maybe, just maybe, if she didn't move, he could make it all go away. Matt stroked her back, not speaking, not questioning, just letting her catch her breath. He wasn't making it go away, but he was making her feel better. For just a moment she was able to share the burden she'd been carrying, and it made her feel lighter.

  Finally, she sat back. Adjusting her bathrobe, she was reminded that she still hadn't taken a shower, her hair was tangled, her feet were bare, tears stained her face, and she probably had red, puffy eyes. She'd never been a pretty crier. So much for putting on a front. With Matt she seemed to be baring her body and soul inch by naked inch.

  "Are you okay?" Matt's eyes searched hers for the truth.

  "I'm thinking about going back to bed and starting the morning over in about -- oh, say, twenty years."

  "I had no idea, Caitlyn. I knew you were hiding something, but I wasn't expecting that. I'm sorry I said what I did."

  "It doesn't matter."

  "It does matter. I hurt you." He looked angry with himself. "I had no right to do that. Frankly, I was pissed off because you were kissing Brian, and it looked like you were getting back together. And I didn't like it."

  "You didn't like it?"

  "No," he admitted.

  She caught her breath at the look in his eyes, feeling the powerful pull of attraction between them. She glanced down at her hands, at the third finger where she'd once worn another man's ring. How could she consider taking Brian back into her life when she had such a strong reaction to Matt? But how could she take either one of them into her life when she couldn't have children? She knew Brian wanted children. And Matt would, too. She'd seen his paternal instincts blossom with Emily, and a man who cared so much about finding his sister -- about pulling what little of his family was left back together -- was a man who needed to have children of his own.

  "What are you thinking about?" Matt asked. "Besides hitting me over the head with something heavy?"

  She sent him a shaky smile. "That sounds appealing. Do you have one of those iron frying pans?"

  "Sorry."

  "I'm not angry with you, Matt. I just can't quite believe I finally said the words out loud. I don't think I've ever said them where anyone could hear."

  "Why not? Why haven't you told your family?"

  "Because it's too hard," she said with a helpless shrug.

  "They love you. Knowing that you can't have kids wouldn't change that," Matt argued.

  "Spending one Sunday morning with my parents doesn't make you an expert on them."

  "It was long enough for me to see that they want the best for you."

  "Which is marriage and children, which is what I can't have. That's the problem."

  "Not all men want children."

  "Brian does. He's the last of his family line. He's told me a number of times how eager his parents are to see him with a son to carry on the family name."

  "You could adopt."

  "It wouldn't be the same."

  "Look, I'm not going to argue Brian's case. But to be fair, the guy has a right to know the real reason you sent him away. Because that is why you sent him away, isn't it?"

  She hesitated, knowing it was pointless to prevaricate when Matt saw everything anyway. "After he left, it was easier, because I didn't have to think about it every day. The marriage was off. The issue of children was moot."

  "You should tell him now."

  "I know I should. I've thought about telling him a hundred times, especially since he's come back to town. I know that if I tell him I can't have kids he'll probably say he's sorry but he can't be with someone like me. And that will be the end of it."

  "Maybe it will be the end, but you should stop putting words in his mouth. And what about your parents? What's up with that?"

  "It would hurt them, Matt. Think about it. They won't ever have grandchildren," she said passionately. "I'm an only child. I'm it. There aren't going to be any more little ones around our Christmas tree. And my mother, who has driven both of us crazy by fixing every last little thing wrong with me, can't fix this. That will make her nuts."

  "That's not the whole truth. Try again."

  "Oh, for God's sake, you and the friggin' truth." She waved her hand wildly in the air. "Some things don't need to be shared with the world. I'm not hurting anyone with this secret."

  "You're hurting the people you say you love. They don't understand why you're acting the way you're acting. They must sense you're holding something back. That lack of trust will hurt them more than the truth."

  He was making her feel like a fool, and not just a fool but someone cruel and uncaring. "You're turning this all around," she said in confusion.

  "Am I?" He cupped her face with his hands and gazed into her eyes. "I don't think you're keeping this secret to protect anyone but yourself. If you say it out loud, it will make it true, won't it, Caitlyn? And that's why you can't say it, because it's not your parents who can't accept it, it's you, isn't it?" he asked, giving her a little shake.

  "Yes," she confessed. "It's me. I don't want it to be true." She pushed his hands away from her face and stood up as angry, hurt tears welled up in her eyes. "When I was a little girl all I ever dreamed about was growing up and getting married and having children. I was lonely as an only child with parents who were always at work. I used to make up families in my head with lots of kids so I wouldn't feel so alone. I'd play house and make everyone else play house with me until they were so bored they wouldn't come over anymore. And every time we played house, I was always the mother." She pointed to herself. "Me. I was the mother."

  Her voice faltered. "But I'm never going to be a mother, and it just... it just rips me apart every time I think about it, much less say it aloud. I'm not just a liar, Matt. I'm a coward. Is that what you wanted me to say? Because that's the truth, the whole truth. And if you want to shout it to the world, I can't stop you."

  Matt stood up to face her. "I'm not going to tell anyone."

  "Really? Isn't that what you do in the newspaper? Strip someone bare, tie them to a post, and let the world stare at them?" She saw him pale under her attack, but it didn't slow down the anger that was running away with her good sense. She shouldn't have to defend herself. She was the victim, not the villain.

  "That's not what I do, and you know it."

  "I know you think I was wrong not to tell Brian. And you're the Robin Hood of truth, so why don't you run and tell him?"

  "Because it's not my secret."

  "You tell people's secrets every day."

  "Not people I care about."

  Shocked by his words, she forgot what she was going to say next. "You c-care about me?" she stuttered.

  He hesitated, then said, "I do, yes." He moved closer to her, shaving the distance between them to just a breath. "I don't give a damn about Bradley or your parents, but you..." He put his hands through her hair and pulled her face toward his. "You."

  "What?" she whispered.

  "You've become important to me."

  "I have?"

  He answered her with a passion-filled kiss that sucked the last bit of anger out of her. And when he would have moved away, she pulled him back, desire fueled by the pounding blood in her veins, and the need to take something back from him. He was so many things she wasn't -- strong, courageous, brutally honest, and she needed those traits. Maybe in the taking she would give him something back like compassion, tenderness, understanding of the frailties that made them both human.

  Then the phone rang, once, twice, persistently, until they could no longer ignore it.

  Matt groaned. "I'm going to have to unplug that damn thing." He planted one last kiss on her mouth befo
re reaching for the phone.

  Still shaking, Caitlyn returned to the couch in a daze. Emily slept peacefully in her car seat, sleeping the sleep of angels while Caitlyn's life was unraveling. Why couldn't she have that kind of peace? Why couldn't she sleep without want, without regret, two emotions that were never far away?

  Matt hung up the phone, his eyes alight with excitement. "Someone is in Sarah's apartment."

  "Sarah?"

  "No." He frowned. "Some guy. But he used a key, so..."

  "So he must know Sarah."

  "I hope so."

  "Will Blake talk to him?"

  "Only if he tries to leave before I get there. This might be my best chance to find Sarah. I have to go."

  She nodded in agreement. "I'll take care of Emily for you. She can come to work with me. All those brides dreaming of babies will love her."

  His eyes darkened. "What about you? How will you feel?"

  Caitlyn hesitated, deciding there was no more need for secrets or even half-truths between them. "I'll feel the way I've been feeling the last couple of days -- like her mother."

  He frowned. "I can't ask you to do it. Now that I know--”

  "You're not asking me. I'm offering. It's too late for me to pull away. I knew when I took Emily out of her car seat Friday night that I would fall in love with her." Caitlyn sent Emily a tender glance. "And I did. What will a few more hours matter?"

  Matt didn't have an answer. And neither did she. He would do his best to get Sarah back. And Caitlyn would help him, even if Sarah's coming back meant Emily would have to leave.

  * * *

  Matt was still thinking about Caitlyn when he drove across the Bay Bridge toward Berkeley. He realized he'd pushed her harder than he should have. He had a problem with backing out of something once he was more than halfway in. And Caitlyn had let him in. That fact both pleased and disturbed him. He'd never shared so many confidences with anyone, much less a woman he'd known only a few days.

  But there was something about this woman that spoke to him, a rare connection he'd never experienced with anyone else. And he'd hammered into her like a battering ram, goading her into telling him a secret she had not wanted to share. And what a hellish secret. He'd never expected the sad look in her eyes to be tied to something so tragic.