Some Kind of Wonderful

by Barbara Freethy

"Would it be wrong to ask if I can kiss you?"

  "You don't ever have to ask." He met her halfway, his mouth closing over hers with a sigh of satisfaction. In a few days he might not have a church to serve, but if he could keep Sarah in his life, he wouldn't need anyone else. For she had taught him to see the people instead of the crowd, the human faces of each individual instead of the masses he'd once longed to preach to. He knew his calling now, for he'd finally seen the trees instead of the forest.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Friday before work Matt dropped Sarah off at the church, where she planned to spend the day. He had a feeling he'd be losing his sister again -- and to a minister, no less. Who would have thought someone in his dysfunctional family would end up with a man of the cloth? The Lord certainly worked in mysterious ways, he thought with amazement. But now that he had Sarah and Emily back in his life, he wouldn't let them go too far. He had a family again. He could hardly believe it.

  Unfortunately, as he tried to get excited about digging into a new story, his mind kept returning to Caitlyn, to the awful pain he'd seen in her eyes. He'd hurt her. He'd let her get close to Emily. Even after learning that she couldn't have children, he'd still encouraged the attachment, because he liked having her attached, and not just to Emily, but to him.

  Now what?

  It was the same question Caitlyn had asked him. Could they have a relationship without Emily? Caitlyn thought he'd only wanted her because he needed a mother figure for his niece. But did she want him if he didn't come with a baby in his arms? Had the attraction been Emily or himself? The answer eluded him. Or maybe he was just afraid to find it.

  He'd never really thought long and hard about whether or not he wanted children. Having kids had always been on the distant horizon, after he found Sarah, after he got his career going, after he found the right woman. But suddenly all those things had fallen into place, and here he was, faced with the possibility of loving a woman who couldn't have children.

  Taking care of Emily had turned him into more of a family man than he would have ever imagined, and he knew he didn't want to spend his life without ever holding a baby again. But did the child really have to have his blood? His lines were less than stellar. And there were children in the world who needed homes, babies like Emily, kids like Sarah who'd gone to a foster home for a while. Maybe those kids needed him. Maybe they needed Caitlyn, too. Maybe they all needed each other.

  He leaned back in his chair, knowing that coming to work had been a pointless exercise. He couldn't concentrate. For the first time his personal life was more important than his professional one. He'd always defined himself as a newspaperman. Now he found himself wanting the other titles, the titles that belonged to men with wives and children.

  Matt looked up, jolted out of his reverie as David stopped by his cubicle, his tie loose around his neck, his shirtsleeves rolled up to his forearms. "I'm glad to see you back at work."

  "If you can call it that."

  "I gave you several leads."

  Matt shrugged. "Nothing that exciting."

  "So make it exciting. Dig up some dirt for me. Rattle some cages. Do what you do best."

  Matt ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not sure what that is anymore."

  "She really turned you inside out, didn't she?"

  "Who are you talking about?"

  "You know damn well who I'm talking about -- Caitlyn, the babe with the blond hair and the great--”

  "Don't say it. Don't even think it."

  "A little possessive, aren't you?"

  Matt tried to brush off the comment as completely incorrect, but it wasn't. He couldn't imagine Caitlyn with another man. Which reminded him that Brian was still lurking in the wings. If Caitlyn went running to Brian... well, he didn't want to think about that. She deserved someone better. She deserved him.

  "Yo, Matt, where did you go?"

  Matt started as he realized David was trying to get his attention. "What did you say?"

  "Look, why don't you go home, get your head together? You're no good to me this way."

  "What way?"

  "Crazy in love," David said with a wide grin. "Never thought I'd live to see the day when you'd crumble."

  "I have not crumbled."

  "You're completely gone."

  "Well, it may not matter. I'm not sure Caitlyn wants me."

  "Are you nuts? The woman couldn't take her eyes off you the other night. I thought you were going to set the room on fire there were so many sparks between you."

  "That's when I had a baby for her to love. Now, I don't."

  "So have your own baby."

  "She can't. Caitlyn can't have children."

  David's smile disappeared. "Oh, man, that's rough."

  "She loves kids, too. She'd be a fantastic mother."

  "Maybe she could adopt."

  "Maybe." He stood up. "You're right about one thing, I'm good for nothing today. I'll be back Monday." Matt was about to leave when a coworker stopped by his cubicle.

  "Our firebug struck again, Chelsea Street. Someone saw a woman leaving the area. Connie is checking it out."

  Matt's body stiffened as a sudden, terrifying possibility occurred to him. Chelsea Street was right around the corner from his building. "What did the woman look like?"

  David sent him a curious look. "Hey, isn't Chelsea Street by your place?"

  "Do you know what the woman looked like?" Matt repeated.

  "No description yet."

  Matt grabbed his keys. "Give me the address."

  The reporter rattled off the numbers, and Matt's anxiety heightened as he realized how close it was to his home. Please don't let it be a woman with a straw hat and a watering can, he muttered silently as he ran down to his car. Although he had the sinking feeling that this was yet another downturn in the roller coaster he called his life.

  * * *

  "So that's it," Jolie said, handing Caitlyn yet another Kleenex.

  "That's it." They sat in the back room of Devereaux's surrounded by wedding dresses and other wedding paraphernalia while one of their assistants worked out front. Caitlyn had just finished telling Jolie the whole horrible story -- for the last time, she hoped. There was no one else left to tell.

  "I knew something was bothering you, I just didn't know what. I thought maybe Brian had cheated on you."

  Caitlyn shook her head. "No, he didn't do anything wrong."

  "Well, he did leave you at a rotten time in your life."

  "I told him to go."

  "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that didn't mean he had to listen. I know this must be killing you, Caity. You love kids."

  "I do, but it's not meant to be. Now that I've said it out loud four times, no less, I'm starting to come to terms with it."

  "You know, I would have a kid for you if you wanted me to."

  Caitlyn's mouth dropped open. "What? Are you crazy? You couldn't do that."

  "Actually, I could. I wouldn't want to raise it, of course, but I'd carry it for you."

  "Wow." Caitlyn was awed by the offer, and when she looked into the eyes of her very best friend, she saw nothing but love and a need to help. "That's an incredible thing to suggest, and I would really need to think long and hard about it, but thank you. You're amazing."

  "You'd have to be my personal slave for nine months, though."

  "I'm sure. But at the moment this conversation is premature. I don't exactly have a father figure lined up."

  "Sure you do." Jolie smiled her wise little smile that drove Caitlyn nuts.

  "Don't say Brian."

  "I wouldn't dream of it. I never thought Brian was good enough for you."

  "Hello. You were going to be my maid of honor, and you never said anything."

  "Because you seemed happy. In retrospect, I think you were lucky you didn't marry him. Especially now that you're in love with Matt."

  "I am not in love with Matt."

  "You are so in love with him."

  "I might have a little l
ust, but that's it."

  "That's bullshit, Caity. You've never in your life slept with a man you didn't care about."

  "How do you know I slept with Matt?"

  "Because you looked loved two days ago. I must admit you look more depressed now, but love and pain tend to go hand in hand."

  "We had a great time together." Caitlyn tried to make it sound casual. "But it's over."

  "Why does it have to be?"

  "Because Emily is gone."

  "So what? Matt is still living across the hall, as hunky as ever. Frankly, I think you could have even more fun making love without a two-month-old chaperone in the next room ready to bawl her eyes out at any second."

  "But Emily is the only reason Matt ever asked me over."

  "So ask yourself over. You're a modern woman, Caitlyn. Are you going to let a little hallway between you hold you back?"

  "He'll want children. I saw him with Emily. He was a great dad. I can't give him that."

  "That's his decision. Stop trying to make it for him. That's what you did with Brian when you sent him away. That's what you did with me by not telling me the truth. Let Matt decide for himself if he wants you or if he doesn't."

  "I'm not sure I can handle the 'if he doesn't' part. It already hurts so much to lose Emily, and I've known her a week. How can I take a chance on losing Matt, too, if not now, but in the future? It would hurt even more then."

  Jolie took Caitlyn's hand in hers. "You'll lose him if you don't tell him how you feel. That's the one thing I do know. But whatever happens, we'll get through it together. Now, go home and get your life straightened out."

  "Are you sure?"

  "I'm sure. And give Matt my love," she called after Caitlyn with a cheerful smile. "On second thought, just give him yours. That will be more than enough.”

  * * *

  The fire engines were lined up down his block, smoke turning the sky to black, ash blowing in the wind. Matt had tried to get closer, but the police had kept everyone back. There was nothing he could do now but watch and wonder.

  Fire seemed to be a theme that ran through his life, and Sarah's too -- the fire that tore them apart, the fire next to her hair salon, and now a fire practically in his backyard.... Was something going on? Or was it all just coincidence?

  "Matt?"

  He turned to see Jonathan and Sarah walking up the sidewalk. Sarah had Emily in her arms; Jonathan had his arm around both of them. Matt felt his body tighten with jealousy. Yesterday the family had been his, his and Caitlyn's. Now it was Jonathan, Sarah, Emily. He was surprised at how much he didn't like the idea, not for Sarah's sake but for his own.

  "What's happening?" Sarah asked.

  "A fire in the apartment building at the corner."

  "What are you doing out here?"

  Matt looked into her eyes and realized she knew exactly what he was doing out there. "Just checking things out."

  "Did you see her?"

  "No, but I heard a woman was seen leaving the building shortly before the fire. I don't know any more than that." He paused. "What's up with you?"

  "I wanted to tell you that I can get into the home tomorrow. A space opened up earlier than they thought."

  "I thought you could stay with me for a few days."

  "I won't be far away. But I need to do this, Mattie. It's time I took charge of my own life."

  He understood, but he didn't like it. Sarah had just returned to his life, now it felt like she was leaving again. And as his expression drifted to Emily, he knew he would miss her, too, more than he had ever dreamed possible.

  As Matt looked away, he saw Caitlyn standing by the front door, watching them. He didn't know if the longing on her face had to do with him or with Emily; it was impossible to tell, and his confidence took another big hit.

  Caitlyn started, suddenly realizing they had caught her staring.

  "Hi," she said, her gaze sweeping over all of them.

  Sarah and Jonathan said hello. Matt simply nodded.

  "Do they have the fire under control?" she asked.

  "It looks that way," he replied.

  And there was nothing left to say -- only there was everything to say. He just didn't know where to begin.

  "I want to thank you," Sarah said to Caitlyn. "Matt told me how much you helped him, how much you cared for Emily."

  "It was nothing. She's a good baby."

  "I'm lucky to have her. And I'm going to work really hard to make sure she feels lucky to have me."

  "Are you going somewhere, then?" Caitlyn asked.

  'To a home for single mothers and kids. They help you with baby-sitting and job hunting. I'm moving in tomorrow."

  Caitlyn licked her lips. "I hope it works out for you. I should go upstairs."

  "Hang on a second, Caitlyn," Matt said.

  She stopped, but she didn't look like she planned on staying. Before he could think of something to say, his cell phone rang. "Just wait," he said as she started to edge away.

  "Winters."

  "I think I found your mother." Blake's abrupt words shocked Matt to the core. Would they never stop coming, the unexpected surprises? He didn't think he could take one more.

  "Where is she?" he asked curtly, not sure he wanted to know. Except that he did, because he couldn't keep chasing fires, wondering if his mother had started them, and he couldn't keep following old ladies in straw hats just to catch a glimpse of a familiar face. He needed to end it. He needed to end it now.

  "Meet me at 472 Dolores Drive in South San Francisco. Take the Orange Drive exit off 101 and turn right."

  Matt didn't recognize the address. "Is that where she's living?"

  "Just come," Blake said.

  "I'll be there in twenty minutes." He hung up the phone and found the others watching him expectantly. "Blake thinks he found our mother."

  Sarah was horrified. "You were looking for her?"

  "I have to know, Sarah. I can't keep wondering if she's going to pop up somewhere, especially now that I know she came back and got you. I think you should come with me. I think you should all come."

  Caitlyn immediately shook her head. "This is family business. You don't need me."

  "I do need you," he said, moving toward her so he could look directly into her eyes. He wanted her to see how deep his need was. He couldn't do this alone. He needed her by his side. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe Caitlyn was wondering when it would ever be her turn. He just hoped she would say yes anyway.

  She hesitated, obviously torn. "Is it that important to you?"

  "More than I can say."

  "All right."

  "Sarah?" he asked, turning to his sister.

  "If you really feel you need to see her, I'll go with you. But don't expect too much, Matt. I don't think she got better with age.”

  * * *

  Twenty-five minutes later Matt pulled up in front of the address Blake had given him. The black numbers were painted broadly on the white wall in front of the Bayview Cemetery. Matt was stunned. He hadn't expected this, not this. His mother was dead? It didn't seem possible. But of course it was. Only, in the past week he'd thought he'd seen her. He'd thought he'd felt her presence in his life again.

  Blake was waiting just inside the gates. He motioned for Matt to follow him, then got into his car and led them about a half mile into the cemetery. Matt parked his car along the road and stepped out, the others doing the same.

  "Why didn't you tell me on the phone?" Matt asked Blake. "I could have prepared Sarah." And he could have prepared himself.

  "You won't believe this," Blake said. "Remember that woman you told me you kept seeing, the one holding the watering can?"

  "What about her? Obviously, it wasn't my mother, if you're going to tell me she's dead."

  "Follow me." Blake led them through a clump of trees. Just on the other side was a grave with a plain headstone and something next to it -- a watering can.

  Matt felt his heart skip a beat, and he instinctively reached for Cait
lyn, who steadied him by placing her hand in his.

  "It's okay," she whispered. "You can do this."

  He moved closer to the grave, his gaze traveling first to the watering can; it was exactly like the one he'd seen the old woman carrying. Then his gaze moved to the headstone, where he read his mother's name and the dates of her life, the last date being one year, almost to the day, earlier.

  Matt sank down to his knees on the ground. Sarah knelt beside him. "I can't believe she's dead," Sarah said.

  Leaning over, Matt picked up the watering can. "A gardener probably left this behind."

  Sarah didn't answer him as she turned her gaze toward the sky. Matt couldn't help but follow her lead, not knowing what he was searching for, but he still felt compelled to look up.

  "Maybe it's a sign," Sarah whispered.

  "Of what?"

  "She could be an angel."

  "An angel? I doubt that. If she ended up anywhere, it was hell. Sorry, Reverend," he mumbled, glancing back at Jonathan.

  Sarah looked at Jonathan, too. "Do you think it's possible? Could Mama have been trying to make up for everything bad by bringing us back together? I saw her. You saw her, too," she said to Matt.

  "What do you think?" he asked Caitlyn.

  "It is odd that I never saw her."

  "Jonathan didn't see her either," Sarah added.

  The four of them stared at each other, then one by one their gazes drifted back to the simple headstone.

  "Well, at least we won't have to worry every time we hear a fire engine. I wonder who buried her," Matt said as he and Sarah got to their feet. "I guess we'll never know. I guess we'll never know a lot of things."

  "Can you live with that?" Caitlyn asked him. "Can you live with not knowing all the details?"

  He gave her question a moment of thought. "I think I can. It's over now. It's all over." He looked at Blake. "You were right. I needed to see this for myself."

  "I don't think you'll be needing me anymore." Blake tipped his head. "I'll see you around. Enjoy your family."

  "I will." Matt took one last look at his mother's grave, then walked back to the car. He knew where everyone was now. Maybe he could finally find peace.

  * * *

  Caitlyn was glad she'd gone with Matt to the cemetery, happy she'd seen him put to rest the last of his demons. But when they walked down the hallway to Matt's apartment, she knew she couldn't go any farther. Sarah, Jonathan, and Emily went inside the apartment, leaving the two of them alone in the hallway -- again.