Mind the Gap (In Too Deep)

by Casey McMillin

  "Not well," I corrected. "I'm still a beginner at that, but I love it and I'm getting better."

  "Seriously," Gretchen said, grabbing my forearm with an earnest expression, "I need you to think about coming to L.A. I think you belong at my school. We need you."

  I returned her sincere expression. "I'm giving it some thought, I promise."

  That was good enough for her. She smiled and looked at Joel. "Have you ever heard such a cool voice?" she asked.

  "It is a nice voice," Joel said giving me a sweet smile.

  As much as I enjoyed putting myself out there, I was somewhat awkward with receiving compliments. That, coupled with the scowl coming from Josh's general direction made me feel like I was in the mood for a restroom break. I excused myself, saying I'd be right back. Rachel offered to come with me, but I told her I'd be fine. I crossed the busy coffee shop in search of the ladies room, thinking about everything that had just transpired.

  Everyone in our group had given me compliments or at least approving looks—everyone except for Josh. He was stone-faced the entire time I was on stage, and when I came to the table, he was even worse. It was almost as if he was angry. I couldn't help but wonder if I'd done something to upset him. I figured he was probably put off by people who wanted to be the center of attention, and punished us by scowling the whole time. That would normally have been no big deal. Any other time, I would have just ignored someone like that and thought of them as a hater, but for some reason, I cared what Josh thought. It hurt me that he obviously didn't approve of what I'd done up there.

  I was still a little shaken from the stage adrenaline and unnerving thoughts of Josh as I made my way down a darkish hallway to the ladies room. I turned the handle on the restroom door, but it was locked. I spun, looking around for a place to wait. In the hallway, opposite the restrooms, there was a dark little nook with a chair and a mirror. It looked like the type of place that would have held a landline phone at one point—a glorified phone booth.

  I stood in the little area with my back against the wall as I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh. I wasn't sure if it was a sigh of relief that the song had gone so well, or a sigh of frustration that Josh hated me so much. As an artist, I experienced harsh criticism all the time. Josh's disapproval should have been no big deal after some of the things people had said about my art. Maybe I wanted his approval because he was close with my friends, or maybe it was because he was young and handsome. I couldn't quite figure out why I cared what he thought, but I did.

  I heard footsteps coming down the hall, and at first I jumped, feeling like I should make my presence known, but then I relaxed, assuming I could stay where I was and go unnoticed. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought it might be Trevor coming to check on me. I stood there quiet as a mouse waiting for whoever it was to come into my line of vision. The figure that appeared was over six feet of solid maleness in jeans and a Nike T-shirt. Josh. To my surprise, he shook the handle of the ladies room. He shook it with such ferocity that a woman's voice came from inside.

  "Someone's in here!" she said.

  "Brit?" he said.

  His deep voice boomed in that tiny, dark hallway.

  "Ugh, no?" the poor girl said.

  "Sorry," he said.

  He let out a frustrated sigh and leaned against the wall, bracing himself with an outstretched arm. He used the other hand to massage his forehead as if he was anxious about something.

  "Josh?" I asked tentatively. His head snapped up, and he squinted into the dark nook where I was standing, trying to see me through the shadows.

  "Britney?" The name sounded funny since nobody ever called me that, but some tiny piece of me liked hearing it.

  "Yeah," I said. "What's up?" He came into the nook without hesitation, not stopping until he was right up against me, literally pressing his body against mine, invading every last shred of my personal space. At first it startled me, but I quickly realized what his intentions were. His big hands first touched my shoulders then ran up my neck to cup my face. He looked at my face briefly, but with a passionate determination I'd never seen before. I'd been in quite a few kiss situations in my day, and none were as utterly hot as this one. He controlled the entire thing. Using his hands to guide and position my face as he placed burning hot kisses on my mouth and neck.

  "That. Song. Was. Unbelievable," he said in between contacts.

  I was weak in the knees, could barely get enough oxygen, and he just kept kissing me. His kisses were tender yet impatient, and his lips were the perfect balance of soft and firm. It was as if it were the first time I'd ever been kissed.

  I was so freaking dizzied by the whole thing that I barely noticed the girl coming out of the ladies room and retreating down the hall. I would have totally been able to tune her out and continue the kiss, but suddenly I heard Trevor's voice filling the hallway. "You killed it out there," he yelled into the darkness. Then he noticed his mistake and corrected himself. "I'm so sorry, I thought you were my friend," he said to the woman in the hall. She didn't respond. Trevor's footfall grew louder, and I knew he was approaching and would likely find the two of us in that compromised position. The light was off and the door leading to the women's restroom was cracked, but Trevor still kicked it open and said my name.

  "Brit?" he said, peeking into the dark restroom.

  "She's not in there," Josh said. He stood at the edge of the little nook, leaning against the wall to make sure I was shielded from Trevor's sight.

  Trevor gasped and jumped. "Damn it, you scared the crap out of me." He let out a sigh. "Where's Brit? I thought she came back here."

  Josh shrugged. "She's not in there." He gestured with a tilt of his head to the restroom.

  "I can see that," Trevor said.

  Josh just stood there leaning against the wall.

  "What are you doing back here?" Trevor asked, taking in the open door of the men's restroom.

  "I had to make a phone call," Josh replied. "How's that any of your business?"

  I cringed at the harsh words.

  A few seconds of tense silence, then Trevor responded. "It was you and your rude behavior that made me come check on her in the first place," Trevor said. His poor little voice was shaking.

  Josh huffed a laugh. "Are you seriously saying this to me right now?" he asked. "What rude behavior?"

  "Everyone in the group noticed what an ass you were being when she came back to the couch," Trevor said. "You're probably the reason she ran off." He paused, and when Josh didn't say anything, he continued. "Listen, you might not like Brit or the way she sings, but it's common courtesy to refrain from looking at people like you want to kill them. The rest of us happened to enjoy her song, and no one even cares what your opinion is, anyway."

  I almost laughed from nerves as I tried to stay quiet during Trevor's reprimand. I had to put my hand over my mouth to refrain from making noise. I was so touched by the way my precious friend was taking up for me.

  "I loved her song," Josh said, surprising me. "She sounded better than the original. I came back here to tell her that, but couldn't find her."

  I couldn't see anything, but there was a few long seconds of silence before I heard the sound of Trevor's footsteps retreating. Josh leaned back on the opposite wall and put his head in his hand like he wished he could erase the last few minutes of his life. He let out a frustrated breath.

  "I'm sorry. I should have never done that," he said. He was back to the same old Josh who could never imagine why he'd kiss me.

  "It's not your fault," I said. I skirted around him and started walking back down the hall without even using the restroom. "It's the song," I said casually from over my shoulder. "It just put a spell on you for a second. The lyrics work, you know. Why do you think I got so much love from the crowd?" My tone was jovial since I was doing my best to let him off the hook.

  He didn't respond, and I just continued down the hall and back into the main room. Part of me expected him to come from behind to st
op me before I could make it out of the hallway—part of me wanted that to happen, but I walked away with no protest whatsoever from him. As I walked back to the couch to join our friends, I hoped it wasn't obvious to any of them that I'd just been kissed senseless and then rejected.

  "Where were you?" Trevor asked when I sat down.

  "Someone was in the restroom, so I had to use the men's," I said.

  Trevor looked confused and I could tell he was debating saying the men's room was empty. Then he thought he might be mistaken and decided not to say anything.

  "Ahh, you found her." Josh's deep voice said as he sat on the edge of the couch a few spots down. He was obviously talking to Trevor.

  "Yeah," Trevor said with a less than genuine smile.

  We stayed there for another hour or so, but everything seemed like a big blur. I heard the conversations going on around me, and even engaged in some of them, but I was so shaken up from that kiss that I couldn't think straight. I glanced at Josh a couple of times, but each time he was talking to someone else. He seemed more at ease than I'd ever seen him, and I wondered if he was just faking it. How could he be so unaffected when I was shaken to my very core? I kept replaying the kiss in my head, easily imagining the feel of his lips on mine. I caught myself thinking about how attracted I was to his boyish face, but had to remind myself how much of an arrogant ass he was.

  Rachel and Gretchen both asked me at separate times if everything was okay, and I assured them that I was just tired. They were kind enough to know not to push it any further. They'd both taken a picture of me when I was on stage, and I asked them if they would forward the photos so I could upload them to Instagram. Rachel's came out better since she had an eye for making things look like an ad, but I liked the face I was making in Gretchen's, and I was glad to have them both.

  Collin and Ethan had to be getting back to their hotel so they could rest up for the next day. Everyone would be headed to the same hotel except for Trevor and I since we were staying at The Loft. The group offered to escort us so we wouldn't have to go alone, but it was close by and we assured them we'd make it fine. I told Rachel we'd meet them at the swim meet at ten in the morning. I saw Josh watching the whole exchange, but his expression was totally unreadable and he didn't say a word.

  Chapter 6

  Josh

  Brit's little friend thought he was the man for getting them a free hotel room at the place they were staying. From what I gathered, they were staying in the same room, which was a mystery to me. Supposedly, they weren't together, and if that were the case, then what were they doing sharing a room? I didn't know why I was wasting my time thinking about that anyway. I couldn't care less who she shared a room with.

  "What's your problem, Josh?" Rachel asked as we walked to our hotel. I'd never heard Rachel talk to anyone like that except Collin, so her tone took me off guard.

  "Nothing," I said with a shrug.

  "I can understand if you guys aren’t gonna be best friends," Rachel continued, oblivious to the fact that we weren't the only two who could hear the conversation, "but Brit's like a sister to me, and I'd love it if you just gave her a chance."

  "I don't have a problem with her," I said, shrugging like I had no idea where her concern was coming from.

  "Okay," Rachel said reluctantly. "It's just that she's thinking about moving to L.A., and I'm sure you guys would be forced to be in the same room sometimes."

  "Starting tomorrow I guess," I said, smiling and trying to lighten the mood.

  "Starting tomorrow," she agreed with a hopeful smile. We all rode the elevator to the twelfth floor.

  Ethan and I were sharing a room, and we watched two episodes of a reality show where these guys build outrageous fish tanks before we turned off the lights. It was pitch black in the room, and Ethan had on his headphones, so I was alone with my thoughts. I remembered the day's events, seeing the races in my mind's eye, but I only had a few scattered thoughts about my friends and the fact that I was there to watch them swim.

  Mostly I thought about Britney and, let's not beat around the bush, her amazing, come from out of nowhere, voice. Her sweet, raspy voice had a vulnerability to it that made me want to do whatever it took to take care of her. I smiled into the darkness as I considered the possibility that her song did indeed put some sort of a spell on me. I seemed to remember having a blatant distaste for her up until the point where she sang. God, that song. Part of me wanted to make it my life's mission to hear the sound of her voice again, and the other part of me wanted to avoid hearing it at any cost. I pictured her face, imagined her voice, and relived our kiss over and over again until I drifted off to sleep.

  ****

  The next day went by really fast. The group of people I was with in the stands took up the same seating arrangements we had the day before, so I didn't have much contact with Brit. Although I couldn't make out the words they were saying most of the time, I could hear the tones of the conversation and laughter. Now that I knew what her singing voice sounded like, I could hear it in her speaking voice. It was unnerving to say the least, and several times, I made conversation with Collin's dad just so I could tune her out for a few minutes.

  During one of the times when I wasn't tuning her out, I overheard a conversation she was having with Rachel about hair. I only overheard them because Gretchen was included in the conversation and she was sitting next to me. Brit was asking why all of the male swimmers had short hair—which made them begin discussing men's hair in general and what their thoughts were on the subject. Gretchen said she loved that Joel wore his hair long. Brit agreed that she preferred guys with longer hair. Trevor smiled at that bit of news since he was sporting a bad Beatles haircut.

  Rachel was too sweet to agree with them. She said she liked different haircuts on different guys but she preferred Collins shorter like he wore it. "I mean, it's not buzzed or anything, it's just short-ish, you know." She felt bad when she caught on to the fact that I could hear her. "I like your hair buzzed, though, Josh. It looks good on you." I just smiled without looking at them as if it was no big deal and I wasn't really listening to the conversation.

  I didn't care if girls liked longer hair. I was a number one fade, and proud of it. I knew it looked good on me, which was a good thing, because my hair was completely unruly when it grew out. Even though I'd probably never try growing it out again, I couldn't help but take note that Brit liked long hair.

  Brit and I never got close enough to each other to either confront or ignore what had happened between us the night before. I figured it was better that way since we'd probably choose to ignore it, which would make things even more awkward than usual between us.

  The boys had a successful weekend. Collin was a given, Zack was expected to win also, but Ethan's success surprised more than a few people. His main opponent, a guy named Anthony Davis, wasn't at that meet, but he'd still finished in first for all of his swims, and people were talking about him going all the way. Ethan's family was beside themselves with excitement over the whole thing. I was glad I could be a part of their journey to the trials and likely the Olympic team.

  ****

  The next couple weeks flew by, and before I knew it, I was only days away from moving. I was excited about my new apartment and my new life in in L.A. At last, I'd live in a city where I'd never run into Kayla. I only gave myself a four-day window to move into my place before I had to start my new job. I planned it that way because I knew I'd go stir crazy if I had too much spare time on my hands. I was scheduled to leave San Diego in two days, and I planned on seeing as many friends as possible before I left. I'd been on a bender for an entire week now, going out night after night to see friends one last time.

  Last night, my friend Eli brought me to that club where you had to have a password like James Bond. Believe it or not, he was still seeing that girl Layla (or Lydia) that we introduced him to. She was there with him. She asked me why I didn't bring Zoey, and I told her the truth—that I was moving and Zoey want
ed a clean break. That was just fine with me since I didn't think there was anything to break off in the first place.

  It had been two weeks since the swim meet in Portland, and I hadn't heard anything about Brit. Ethan was supposed to be meeting me any minute for lunch, and I thought I might try to bait him into talking about Emily just to see if Brit's name came up.

  "What are you smiling about?" he asked, coming up behind me at the bar. Apparently, he'd seen my reflection in the mirror.

  "What's up?" I asked, ignoring his question about smiling. How'd it go at the pool?"

  "Good. I had a good day," he said.

  Candy came to take our order. She said how weird it was seeing me so much this week, and how sad she'd be super sad when I was gone

  I told Candy to bring an extra side of bacon, partly because I felt like having bacon in my mouth, and partly because it reminded me of the type of food that would mortify Brit. I hadn't heard her talking about it, but I was comfortable guessing that she was at least a vegetarian, more likely a vegan. Anyway, as a result of me not knowing anything about Brit or what her frame of mind was, I wanted a big hunk of meat in my mouth, and bacon was just the thing for spiting a hippie.

  "How's Emily?" I asked, looking a for a round about way to bring up Brit.

  "She's good. She's done with the Lakers for the season, so she's just working in that dance studio for kids while she and Gretchen make plans for the art center."

  My plan was working.

  "Did Gretchen already hire everybody she'll need?" I asked.

  "What? You mean like Brit? I don't know if she agreed to take the job or not. I know she was thinking about it."

  What I was thinking was: "I already knew that much. Don't you have any new information?" What I said was: "I wasn't talking about her. I was just curious if she had a whole staff picked out already."

  "I think she has most of her choices made already, but nobody's officially working yet," he said. "At least not full time."