Robert Asprin's Myth-Fits

by Jody Lynn Nye

  Haroon leaped into the fray. He ran up to Meeger and closed his powerful jaws on the magician’s leg. Meeger aimed a forefinger at the Canidian. I couldn’t let him hit Haroon with magik. I put a ball of energy between his arm and his chest and forced them away from each other. The jet of fire rocketed off harmlessly into the sky. Meeger kicked at Haroon.

  “Let go, you mangy sausage!”

  “Grrr! You bin causin’ trouble here for weeks!” the Canidian growled. “Now, you gonna leave here, or do I have to drag you?”

  “Drag away, fleabag!”

  Meeger flicked a hand at him. Haroon went tumbling head over tail into the legs of the crowd. He scampered back. As many times as Meeger knocked him away, he returned to threaten the magician’s ankles. Fire leaped from Meeger’s fingertips. Gleep was there to defend his friend and eat every stream of fire. I fought to keep my spell intact. I just didn’t know very many offensive spells. I tried lighting his robes on fire, but Meeger snuffed the flames effortlessly.

  Dorinda pressed her hands together. She peppered Meeger with silver bubbles. As each struck, it left a round silver blob on his robes. I couldn’t figure out what they were supposed to do, until they mounted in number. They weighed the cloth down until the gaunt magician’s knees began to buckle. Meeger flicked his hands down his robes, but they wouldn’t dislodge. One hit him in the side of the face and clung like a limpet.

  “Nice trick!” I said. She smiled at me. But Meeger had obviously seen it before. He made a pass with one hand. First one, then a few, then all of the silver spots clanged to the ground. He raised his palms. Beams of pure magik shimmered on both.

  “Is that all you have?” he demanded. “Party tricks?”

  “Not even close,” Markie said. “Here’s one I learned at Elemental School!”

  Lightning lanced out of a clear sky. It blasted the pavement at Meeger’s feet, making him jump backward. Between the Cupy’s hands, a dark gray sphere took shape. It escaped from her grasp and skidded over the stones, roaring toward him. Meeger threw spells like blobs of color at it, trying to kill it before it engulfed him. He backed up against a wall, trapped by the onrushing windstorm.

  Suddenly, the tornado shrank to the size of a broomstick.

  “What the—?” Markie exclaimed. She clapped her hands. The tornado widened to its original size, only to narrow again. And again. She threw back her head in frustration to shout at the sky. “Stop killing my storms! I need them right now!”

  It was too late. With a wicked grin, Meeger whipped his forefinger in the air. Markie started spinning around so fast all I could see was her golden curls whipping in a circle.

  “Stooo-ooo-oop meeee!” she cried.

  Dorinda and I threw handful after handful of magik, attempting to deaden his spells and free Markie from the cyclone. Each chunk of power bounced off Meeger like so many soap bubbles. Aahz took a running start and tackled Markie out of the air. They tumbled over and over, landing at the feet of a marching band. With amazing reflexes, Markie lifted them both off the ground out of the way. They marched back to us. Aahz’s eyes were bright ochre with fury. Markie created an ominous, dark red ball of power that balanced on top of her finger. Meeger tried to dodge away from her, but Dorinda, Gleep, Aahz, Haroon, and I had him surrounded. The Canidian bared his teeth.

  “Leave now, Meeger,” I said. “The council refuses to accede to your demands. Go away while you still can. Your only way out is to go under your own power.”

  Meeger sneered at me.

  “You’re having so much fun being an enforcer, Skeeve the not-so-magnificent! Have more fun!”

  He raised one hand.

  I braced myself for another onslaught of terrifying magik. Instead, he twitched the end of his forefinger in the air.

  I felt hard points rasping against my ribs, over and over. Against my own will, I started to giggle. I clutched my sides. Dorinda started laughing. Markie dropped her ball of magik and threw her arms around herself, trying to keep her composure. Aahz grinned so widely that I could see all his teeth. Even Gleep was helpless against the tickling. He lay on the ground, chuckling and kicking all four legs. Though I fought it, I couldn’t stop myself from laughing uproariously.

  “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

  “Hee hee hee hee!” Dorinda tittered.

  “Ho ho ho!” To my astonishment, that was the noise Markie made.

  “Eep eep eep eep eep!” my dragon burbled.

  “Hark hark hark hark!” gasped Haroon.

  “Do . . . some . . . thing!” Aahz choked out. “Ha ha! Haw haw haw!” He collapsed onto his back, gasping and hooting.

  I drew magik up from the surging force line. But I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t even inhale more than halfway before the breath exploded out of my body again and again. I lay on the ground, laughter racking my body. My mind couldn’t form a single coherent image.

  “He—he—help me,” I whispered to the people going back and forth around us. I put out an arm in supplication to a party of Imps conga-ing by wearing party hats. They glanced down and grinned at us, never ceasing their rhythmic dancing. They thought we were having a good time!

  Still chortling, I dragged myself up to my knees and fought my way toward Meeger. Aahz, too, battled against the spell. We leaned on one another, crawling forward inch by inch. I could tell by the gleam in Aahz’s eyes that if he could get his hands on Meeger, he would tear him to pieces. But Meeger had no trouble at all evading us in our weakened condition.

  A few feet away, Dorinda dropped to the ground, her eyes half-closed, her chest still heaving helplessly. I didn’t have very much strength left myself. My eyesight narrowed as the world started to go black. I fought to stay awake. My juddering ribs hurt.

  “Glee-ee-eep,” my dragon chortled weakly beside me. His wings were splayed out on the pavement. His legs kicked in the air.

  Metal clanged off the stones near my ear. Meeger stepped over my body toward Markie and looked down.

  “My, my, what’s this?” he asked, with an air of false surprise. “Could it be the celebrated and much sought-after Loving Cup? What a nice surprise!” He stooped to pick it up. I could just barely see amid the tears of laughter as he stowed it in his belt pouch. Another clang sounded, this time nearer to Dorinda. The Nix Pyx! “And look at that, another magik cup!”

  I willed him to bend down and take it in his hands.

  Touch it! Touch it! Touch it!

  But Meeger was no fool. He kicked it away.

  “I won’t be needing that just yet,” he said, standing over me, his eyes glowing. “Now, all I need to do is to wait for all of you to die of laughter! It won’t take long. Then I can force the council to do exactly what I want them to! Oh, I am going to enjoy this!”

  “Pardon me,” said an infinitely polite voice. “I believe you dropped this.”

  Through the haze, I could see a huge purple finger appear out of nowhere. It tapped Meeger on the shoulder. Surprised, the gaunt magician turned.

  Looming over him from behind was Benjy. The Troll thrust the Nix Pyx into Meeger’s arms. Automatically, Meeger closed his hands on the metal cup. And realized his mistake one second later. His mouth dropped open in horror.

  “Noooooo!” he wailed. He threw the cup away. It clattered on the paving stones and rolled to a stop beside a statue. Meeger dashed his hands together as if trying to get rid of the Pyx’s touch.

  Just as suddenly, the vigorous tickling on my ribs ceased. I lay gasping for a moment, then climbed to my feet. I offered a hand to Markie and Dorinda. Aahz struggled to hands and knees, and eventually his feet. We leaned against the nearest wall for support while we gasped for air.

  Meeger gawked at Benjy.

  “What have you done?”

  “Just returning your property, sir,” Benjy said, innocently. “I just heard you refer to that as ‘my cup.’ You dr
opped it. I retrieved it and restored it to you. We of Winslow always seek to be of service to our guests. It is our pleasure as well as our profession.”

  Meeger struggled to speak.

  “No! I mean, but . . . ! My magik!” He tried to summon up power from the force line. His hands scrabbled fruitlessly at the empty air. I knew the frustration he felt.

  Dorinda pointed at the cup on the ground and waved her finger. The Nix Pyx rose in the air, and a hot globe of glowing blue power grew around it.

  “That has done enough damage for this century,” she said. “I had better get it home.”

  “You!” Meeger shrieked, waving his arms at Benjy. “You monster! You have destroyed me!” He kept throwing handfuls of air at the Troll. If they had been filled with magik, Benjy probably would have been burned to a cinder. The more his attempts failed, the angrier Meeger became. He grabbed Benjy around the neck with both hands and tried to strangle him.

  “Please, sir, calm down,” Benjy said, removing the magician effortlessly and setting him on the ground. Meeger went for him again, this time trying to bite him in the side of the neck. “Please don’t do that, sir. I’m afraid if you can’t, I will have to take, er, more extreme measures.”

  “You don’t have to throw him into a wall,” Aahz snarled, sticking his face into the magician’s. “It’ll be my pleasure.”

  “My magik! I am going to kill you all!” Meeger shrieked.

  “What with?” I asked. “Doesn’t look like you have any weapons left!”

  Meeger glared at me.

  “This isn’t over, Skeeve!”

  “I’ve made worse enemies than you,” I said.

  “No, you haven’t,” Meeger raved. “Tell him, girl! Tell him what I’m capable of!”

  “Is he delusional?” Markie asked.

  “A little,” Dorinda said. “But you’d be right not to underestimate him. He’s dangerous.”

  “That’s right! I’ll restore my powers, and you all will suffer!” Meeger declared. “I will declare war on you! Everything you prize will become mine!”

  A huge purple fist crashed down on Meeger’s head. His eyes rolled up and he sank to the sidewalk.

  “Oh, my, I am going to get in trouble,” Benjy said, not looking at all repentant. “I have just been helpful outside my station. I am afraid I will be put on report.”

  “Thank you so much,” Dorinda said, standing on tiptoe to kiss his furry cheek. “You saved us all!”

  “How did you know to turn up just now?” I asked.

  “Why, you asked for help, Mr. Skeeve,” Benjy said.

  “I . . .” I remembered trying to squeeze words out to the dancing Imps. “I didn’t think anyone could hear me.”

  Benjy smiled.

  “We all heard you, we employees. Thankfully, I was close by. I have been in and out of every portal in Winslow trying to find you. The Nix Pyx was added to our manuals just before the party began. It had a red spiral warning beside it so we would not confuse it with any other magikal vessel, especially the Loving Cup.” He nodded to the goblet that Markie retrieved from Meeger’s pouch. “So glad I could help you, my friends.”

  “Help!” I said, remembering my ricocheted spell. “We have to get to Maire and bring those people back!”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  “Sometimes what you want isn’t what you need.”

  —MIDAS

  We beat Wince’s minions to the partygoers by less than half a minute. With Markie and Dorinda running interference against the horsemen, I drew up a return spell and had the Trollops and the Deveel back on the main street even before their bottle ran out. I was glad to return from the darkness of Maire to the brilliant sunlight of Winslow.

  A dance band played from a low dais just beside the Central Help Desk on the main street. Around the stage, thousands of happy people pranced and kicked in time to the music.

  Blinking against the strong light, Aahz peered over the shoulders of the crowd and pointed toward the Central Help Desk building.

  “There they are,” he said.

  I glanced in the direction he indicated. Bunny sat beside Looie on a bench just inside the archway, away from all the merrymaking. Both of them sat with their arms folded, looking grim. I waved my arm to get her attention. When she spotted me, her face lit up.

  I tapped Markie on the shoulder.

  “Let me take the Loving Cup,” I said. “You all go enjoy the party.”

  “All right,” she said. “But I don’t think I ever want to laugh again.”

  A Titan came up and bowed to her. Markie let him take her hand and lead her into the midst of the dance. Aahz put his arm around the waist of a captivating young lovely with bright yellow skin and orange hair. Aahz led her in a shifting, sliding series of steps that soon had the crowd cheering them on. I had no idea he was that good a dancer.

  I took Dorinda by the hand and pulled her with me through the crowd. Bunny left her perch and hurried up to me. I put the cup in Dorinda’s hand and led Bunny aside.

  “What happened?” Bunny asked. “It’s been awful! My disguise spell stopped working just about the time the party started! Looie looked at me as if I had turned into a slug. He hasn’t said a word to me since! As if anyone ever really looks like that.”

  “We ran into a problem,” I said. I took her by the hand and guided her out into the sunlight. “Come and dance with me. I’ll explain everything.”

  Though I was not the best dancer in the world, I swept her around the square. She clung to me. I held her close until her heart stopped racing and told her everything that had happened from the time we had left the main street.

  “So Servis did have the Loving Cup!” she said.

  “All of them,” I agreed. “But he took it in a good cause. He really was trying to help. He apologized all the way back for discommoding us.”

  “Poor old guy,” Bunny said. “I had it a lot easier than he did. All I had to put up with was six hours of leering, followed by another of sulking.”

  Markie detached herself from a circle of five good-looking men from several dimensions.

  “There you are!” she exclaimed. “Aahz! He’s over here! Did Looie get the cup?”

  I glanced over the heads of the crowd and spotted Dorinda standing near the entrance to the round building. She nodded to me.

  “Yes, he did,” I said. “He’s gone.”

  “Well, thank the Elements for that!” Markie said. Aahz bowed to the yellow-and-orange girl and came over to us.

  “When?” Bunny asked, looking back toward the Central Help Desk. “When did he get it?”

  “Just now,” I said.

  “While we were dancing? Where’s the money?”

  “I let Dorinda give it to him,” I said. “She got paid.”

  Bunny put her hands on her hips and turned to Aahz.

  “Did you know about this?” she asked.

  The corner of Aahz’s mouth lifted slightly.

  “No, but I could have guessed. You know the kid!”

  “Why aren’t you angry? She got the fee instead of us!” Bunny said, as if she couldn’t believe it. I felt bad for her, but I nodded.

  “Yes,” I said. “Fifteen gold pieces.”

  She had opened her mouth to berate me, and stopped before a syllable left her lips.

  “Fifteen? Not two hundred?”

  “Nope. That’s what Aahz negotiated for. She asked for twenty. Looie refused and beat her down. They settled on fifteen. That’s what she got.”

  “Oh,” Bunny said. Her bad mood melted away. “Now I feel so greedy.”

  “What’s wrong with being greedy?” Aahz asked. “We know what we’re worth! You could have collected and paid her out of her share!”

  “I know I could,” I said. “But fifteen was really a fair fee for the job. We don�
��t need it, and she really did. We forget sometimes what it’s like to be the little guy. Most people aren’t M.Y.T.H., Inc. They see less income as a good return than we do. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in advance, but I knew you’d understand. Markie, you contracted with us for this job. I’ll guarantee your fee as if we collected the full amount.”

  Markie waved a hand.

  “Forget it. You’ve been generous to me in the past, too. Call it even.”

  “Thanks.”

  BAMF!

  Tananda and Chumley appeared in our midst, high-fiving one another.

  “Oh, I say!” Chumley said, adjusting his gold glasses on his nose. “Very good to see you! You look more perky than when we departed.”

  “I’m fine,” Bunny said. She had assimilated everything I had told her. I couldn’t tell if she was still angry, but I was willing to take all the blame she threw at me. Aahz was more amused than mad. “It looks like it went well on your end.”

  “Indeed, yes! As I assumed, things went much more smoothly without Looie there. We met His Majesty, the king. A good ruler, really.”

  “Nice guy,” Tananda said, running a thoughtful finger up and back along her collarbone. “Generous, too!” She showed me a huge golden ring with a glowing, multicolored gem in it. “He really appreciated our ability to settle a crowd and get some genuine discussions moving.”

  “Once I started threatening to break arms, that is,” Chumley said.

  “He did nothing of the kind,” Tananda protested, with a laugh. “He was gentle and persuasive. I was the one who threatened to break arms.”

  “How bad was the negotiation?” I asked.

  “It simply wasn’t that difficult,” Chumley said. “There were several parties involved, all of the neighboring nations. Once they ceased posturing and brought out their genuine concerns, we were able to make rapid progress on settling them. It would seem that Looie, unsurprisingly, was the bottleneck that prevented them from agreeing upon a set tariff for cross-border trading.”