Balder

by Camille Oster

  "No, Eagle will take weeks to tend its wounds."

  Weeks? No that would not do. "I will not wait weeks. I must return. I know my heart is true."

  Vali frowned. "You know she places enchantments on you, brother."

  "Enchantments cannot create love like mine."

  "You do love greatly without enchantments," the hawk stated. "But your eyes have always been on the human world, not the nether realms."

  "That means nothing."

  "Where is your wife?" the hawk asked.

  Balder was stumped for a moment. He had no idea. As always, any thoughts of her seeped out of his mind.

  "She is sitting at the table in Hel's hall right now. I can see her."

  "That isn't true." Nanna hadn't been anywhere in Hel's hall for centuries, millennia even.

  "No, she is there. She has been in Helheim all this time, and you have not seen her."

  "She has not."

  "Perhaps your eyes are only for Hel. Are you so blinded you will not see her sitting in the hall next to you?"

  A frown creased his brow. Could it be that he was enchanted not to see her? Oblivion tugged at him. Every time he tried to think of her, his thoughts simply melted away. "Perhaps Hel had made him blind to her." In truth, he didn't care. He just couldn't bring himself to care. "Then how do you know what is real and what is not?"

  "My love for Hel is real."

  "A lovesick fool. Exactly as Hel wants him," Ratatosk said. "Who would touch her putrid flesh otherwise?"

  "She is not putrid!" Balder asked. "She is beautiful like the sun."

  "Nanna is beautiful too," the hawk said.

  This was annoying him. Looking over at Vali, Balder saw his brother watching him. Concern showed on his features, clearly believing Balder was enchanted beyond reason. "You cannot help us with our quest. Then leave us, Vedrfolnir.

  "I didn't say I couldn't help. I said Eagle couldn't help."

  "Can you make him see past the enchantments?" Vali asked.

  Something inside Balder strived against this, a panic that didn't want to know. It would ruin his love—wipe it away like water over sand.

  "But why should I?" the hawk asked, clearly offended that his prowess was questioned.

  "Kvasir's mead should wipe away all enchantments."

  The hawk's expressions were hard to read, but it looked haughty and unimpressed. "It is said."

  "You know where it is, I bet. You can see it right now."

  The bird refused to look, which said it did know exactly where the mead was. It just didn't want to say—or to help.

  "If you will not help, then Nidhogg's plan has been successful. I think the dark side is winning in this round, don't you, Balder?"

  Another screech pierced into their ears from down below.

  "All that effort to stop us from knowing. And he is successful. I suppose we will all have to concede defeat this time," Vali continued solemnly.

  "Eagle fights but is defeated all the same," Ratatosk said and guarded himself against the hawk sniping at him. "You will have to tell him when he returns to his perch bloodied and battled."

  The hawk stood with his head held high, his left eye squarely on them. Abruptly, he took off, the great wings unfolding and flapping heavy currents of air down on them. Great, big drafts lifted him into the air and he flew away, his eyes searching before he disappeared.

  The squirrel scurried. "She's going to be so angry with you," it warned liltingly. "No fury like Hel not getting what she wants."

  "My love will hold true," Balder said as they waited. He half hoped the hawk had simply deserted them, but Vali thought it would bring back the mead they sought.

  It took a while, but the sound of flapping returned. It took some time to hear it as being different from the screeches and winds from the fighting below.

  Elegantly, the hawk landed and neatly folded away its wings. It leaned down toward Balder, who held out his hands. Light brown liquid flowed into his hands and he watched it for a moment before smearing it on his face. It smelled like mead, but it had the distinct metallic taste of blood. It wasn't pleasant and he tasted as little of it as he could, knowing that magical potions were always a double-edged sword, and this was for the poets—even bad poets. That need for expression wasn't something he wanted lodged in his heart.

  As he stood there, it absorbed into his skin, and he felt the enchantments release like claws out of his flesh. For the first time in eons, he had clarity. He was himself. That had been taken from him. He'd been under her spell for longer than he could remember. Hel had taken of his body and his heart, and they had never been hers to take.

  Staring down at his hands, he tried to account for what was in his heart. It wasn't love for Hel. His emotions were complex, but he was angry. She had imposed this on him, made him her lover with the wine she had given him over and over again.

  The need to return to her, that had sat like an ache in his stomach, was utterly gone. There was nothing in him that wanted to return there—ever.

  "What verdict have you, brother?"

  "The enchantments were very strong."

  For the first time, he felt like he could breathe without needing to breathe her air, her scent. Anger grew inside him. His mind, his will, had not been his own. She had taken that from him, and those were grave wounds—grave injustices. But there had been sweetness.

  "Do you wish to return to her, or come back with me?" Vali asked.

  "I will return to Midgard," he said with such finality, he felt it in every part of him. He needed to think, and he didn't want Hel whispering in his ear—temping him with her body. Was he tempted by her body? He didn't know. He had no idea what was real, but that urgency, that need to be with her had been driven by enchantments. And now he was free.

  "Then come, brother. Let us mount our horses and return."

  Eyes were watching him and he wanted to be alone. He wanted to think. There were so many things crashing through his mind, he didn't know what was real and what was simply reaction. For now, he pushed it all away and buried it—just glad he had his mind back.

  Returning to his horse, he mounted. "Thank you for this insight, Vedrfolnir. I will not forget the kindness you have shown today." It wasn't kindness. They had goaded the hawk into helping, but that was usually the way with the celestial animals. They were selfish and self-serving—but they weren't the only ones.

  Chapter 11

  CROSSING HIS ANKLES, Balder stared up at the ceiling over his head. Outside his window, he could hear the people outside going about their business. Children were laughing. How long had it been since he had heard children laughing? In Helheim, not much of anything was heard. A pervasive, cold silence, and he had been too enthralled to miss much of anything.

  Anger still boiled deep inside him that she would do that to him and keep him in that state for so long. His feelings had not mattered, only hers. But Hel was a selfish creature and always had been, and she had wanted him compromised and enthralled. Had it been to punish him? To ridicule him? Or was it that she wanted someone to not see all her faults, because there were plenty.

  Unable to lie there any longer, he rose and walked out of his chamber, into the sunshine outside. It felt wonderful on his skin. Closing his eyes, he absorbed it, listened to his heartbeat.

  It was a lovely thing his brother had built here. The humans were happy and thriving, after what had been done to them. It wasn't Vali who had released the Draugrs; it wasn't him. That left few culprits—but why would Hel release the Draugrs on the humans? And where were all those dead? They weren't in Helheim, and there were no other halls receiving the human dead. Unless there was some player they didn't know about.

  "How are you, brother?" Vali asked behind him.

  "I am angry," Balder said honestly. "Hel has stolen my mind from me for centuries."

  "Yes, but you are free now."

  "I wonder if Hel released the Draugrs. Or else there is someone else survived that we don't know about."
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  "Hel has been known to release plagues on the humans."

  "Yes, but the Draugrs? That is more than a plague. The humans barely survived it."

  "Perhaps they simply rose because there was no one to guard against them," Vali said.

  "It is possible," Balder accepted, but he didn't believe it. "I think she did it, but I know not for what reason. It wasn't to collect the humans. They are not in Helheim. I don't know. It is a mystery."

  "The Draugrs are slain now. And there is someone to guard against them. They will not overrun Midgard like they had. They will not return. You are free, brother," Vali said, clapping him on the shoulder. "What wish you to do now?"

  Balder shrugged. He had no idea. His mind didn't seem ready to think of the future. "I have my mind, but I have no hall and no weapon."

  Crossing his arm, Vali looked at him. "There are weapons to be had."

  "How was it that Thor's hammer came to be with you?"

  "I went in search of it. I needed it to kill the Draugr."

  "You went to the battlefield?"

  "Yes. It is not a heartening sight."

  Balder stood for a moment and watched some birds fly in the distance. "I need a weapon."

  "There are weapons. There are good ones buried here too, if one seeks them."

  "I want Gungnir," Balder said, referring to his father's spear. It felt right that he take his father's spear. "Have you seen it?"

  "I did not. I was looking for Thor's hammer. But we can go in search of it."

  Absently, Balder nodded. "While I am free, Nanna is not."

  "I did not see her in Helheim," Vali said.

  "She is there—somewhere. Hel would have kept her out of sight. I have vague memories of her in the beginning, but then I…" Closing his mouth, he bit his lips together. "I don't know if she simply became invisible to me, or if Hel placed her somewhere."

  "Well, I did not see her and Hel would not have any influence on what I saw. There was no wife of yours that I saw."

  "She is there." Balder sighed. It felt wrong that he be free and she was not. How he felt about Nanna was something he couldn't begin to explore. She had simply not existed in his mind for so long. Any thought of her simply melted away. It was clear to see now that it was Hel's enchantment. Hel hadn't wanted him to think about Nanna, or even Forseti, so the enchantments melted those thoughts and memories from his mind. "Hel will not give her up. Out of spite if nothing else. There is no reason she should, and she will not agree to do so."

  "Is there something she would trade your wife for?"

  Me, Balder thought, but it wasn't a concession he was willing to make. Was that true? Would he not sacrifice himself for Nanna's benefit? Even thinking it went against the grain—against his sense of honor. But it was honor that drove that impulse, not anything else. He owed his wife a debt of loyalty, because she was his wife.

  As for his feelings, he felt little other than anger. Anger at Hel, but also at himself for letting this unfold, for not being strong enough to thwart her. He now also felt angry for Nanna being in Helheim or whatever awful place Hel had put her so she would be out of the way and out of sight.

  "What do you wish to do?" Vali asked.

  Balder chewed the inside of his cheek. "I wish to free her. She should be resurrected as I am. I owe her that."

  "If Hel will not release her, we must force her."

  "Yes," Balder agreed.

  "She is not well defended. Her army is depleted, but she has both Nidhogg and her hound doing her bidding."

  "There are only two of us."

  Balder turned his eyes to his brother. "You would help me with this?"

  "If you must release your wife, then I will help you."

  It was a big commitment. Vali had a woman and a life here, yet he would help free a woman he had never met. For a moment, his anger wavered to gratitude. For the first time, he truly felt as if he had family again. This was what family did. They helped each other, faced peril together. "I am grateful."

  "So there is to be a new war between the gods," Vali said.

  "Yes, all three of them."

  "Then we must find you Gungnir. It might take some time to search through Vigridr. Char covers everything. It is under the char weapons are found—and other things."

  "As you have been, I take it you can get us there."

  "I also have Thor's chariot, so we can travel there. But to get there initially took some planning."

  "How did you cross the Bifrost?"

  "I had to capture Ratatosk and ride on his back."

  "He would not have done that gladly."

  "Ratatosk never helps gladly, but help he did. Glad or not. Come. Let us prepare. I will tell Lily of our plans."

  It was very feasible that Lily might already regret Balder's rescue, considering he was urging Vali into dangerous quests. But it had to be. Balder could not respect himself as a man or a husband if he did not at least try his mightiest to rescue Nanna. Only a coward would leave her there to languish at Hel's cruel mercy. To his wife, Hel would be particularly spiteful.

  It felt right that his mind could wander as it wished. For so long, he had been beguiled by Hel's body and pleasure. His entire being had been directed by her. Endlessly he had laid with her. Anger simmered up his insides again, because those memories were in his head and nothing he did would take them away.

  By right, that part of him had been Nanna's, but Hel had stolen that tenderness and desire. Part of him wanted vengeance. While he was known for his lightness and cheer, there was also a deep part of him that wanted vengeance when wronged—there always had been. It was a duality to his nature that had always existed. Nanna knew it more than anyone. Perhaps Hel would grow to know it too.

  With heavy steps, he followed Vali, who was leading him somewhere he hadn't been, to open the doors to a place where Thor's chariot stood, the signs of fire on its surfaces. Balder had never seen it like this, worse for wear from the time of Ragnarok. It stung him yet again to realize his brother dead. That all of the people he had known were dead. It was why he felt it was important to find Gungnir—his father's spear.

  It was a good and balanced weapon and Hel would fear it, because it struck true every time. In his mind, he could see himself striking Hel down, see the spear pierce her flesh, the pain etched on her half live, half dead face. If he intended to kill her, he couldn't rightly say. Part of him wanted her dead, wanted her to suffer for what she had done. But there was also another part of him that knew her better than any person alive. There was nothing he didn't know about Hel, even under the enchantment, he had always seen her as she truly was—had just been forgiving of all her shortcomings. The enchantment hadn't interfered with that, it seemed. But the relentless desire had been the base of her magic—that burning need to be near her, to be inside her.

  Chapter 12

  IN HER DEVINING BOWL, Hel could see Balder and his brother standing at her gate. They were coming, but they weren't there yet. It was a terrible time to face an attack, because her warriors were utterly depleted.

  Not so long ago, she hadn't perceived any threats to her and her realm, but as soon as a god woke, trouble started, and now her lover and his brother were marching on her.

  In a way, she was surprised he would. It was impossible to discern the exact reason why, but it seemed he must have broken the enchantments she had on him, and now he was marching on her with his father's spear. Did he intend to kill her?

  Sadly, it was hard to determine what Balder was without the enchantments. What was left after such a long time? He had some reason for coming, and it was either vengeance or for the tiresome Nanna, who sat like the dead fish she was at the main table. The creature was nothing but boring. She certainly didn't care if Balder was marching on them. There was nothing in her dead eyes at all. If that was what he wanted in his bed, then Hel was certainly going to think less of him.

  While they hadn't gotten to see Eagle, Ratatosk had gladly reported that they had gotten what
they'd come for, Kvasir's Mead. It would have wiped all the enchantments away, and now they were to face each other, exactly as they were.

  It was impossible to say she wasn't hurt. Where was the loyalty for everything she had done for him? Unlike his pointless wife, Balder hadn't become the same empty-eyed waste she was. He should be grateful.

  To prepare, she sent out her warriors to meet them outside of the gate. Perhaps they wouldn't get the chance to even reach the gate. Balder could die and then there would be no more of him. It would serve him right for attacking her.

  Inside her hall, she heard the drums that prepared the warriors for battle. Sedately, the thumps were felt throughout her body, like a heartbeat—waiting for the enemy to arrive. She was going to punish Balder for this—for defying her. Although she wasn't entirely sure how. Perhaps he had to spend some time in Nilfheim with Nidhogg, with all the murderers and rapists. That should force him to be grateful for all the things she'd given him.

  And then the drums stopped. The enemy was here. Her hound howled in front of the closed gates, as if he wished to be out there, sinking his teeth into the enemy. Sadly, this new hound was not as reliable—or bloodthirsty—as the original Garm. It took some time to become a good guardian of Helheim. At times, she missed the olden days. It had been Balder that had seen her through the lonely, lost days after Ragnarok, and now he turned on her, the ungrateful bastard.

  The clash of weapons started. Balder and Vali against her army of dead. Numbers were on her side, but they were fighting gods, who wielded Thor's hammer and Odin's spear. Both weapons struck true and struck hard. A strike from either would kill any of her warriors—but they weren't impervious.

  Screams continued and a pervasive smell of dead blood filled the air. Her warriors were being cut down, and before long, that hammer was pounding on her gate. The strikes echoed across her courtyard and even into her hall.

  Nanna sat at the table, not paying attention. If she even registered what was going on around her, Hel didn't know. If he came for her love and attention, he would be better off dealing with a turnip.