Balder

by Camille Oster

  "We should have brought mead," he said absently after a while. "Didn't even think so many would come." And Forseti had come. "I have never been so pleased." With a nod and a smile, Balder excused himself from Ullr’s company, and wandered into the tree line. If Hel was there, she would be in the trees, seeing them, but not being seen in return.

  "I know you're here," he called. Even she would be too curious about a call to all gods. "You should come out," he said. "Let everyone see you."

  "I am not afraid to be seen," she said haughtily. For a moment, he couldn't see her, before she stepped out from behind a tree. The moon made her glow. It always complimented her.

  "Then come." Holding out his hand to her, he waited for her to take it, which she refused, instead crossed her arms.

  "There are many. More than we ever thought. And your son. You must be pleased."

  "Yes," he admitted. "I am very pleased."

  "Nanna will be ecstatic."

  "Yes, she will be." Perhaps she wouldn't be so utterly keen to reject her past now that her son was living.

  "A happy family again," Hel said, bitterness lacing her voice.

  "Not entirely. Nanna wishes to be human, and that does not include me in her life."

  Hel snorted. "She was always a stupid woman."

  Speaking ill of his former wife wasn't something he ever wished. "I suppose I can understand her wishing to embrace the life she was born into, before I stole her away. Now that she is embracing a human life, she holds a grudge for the past. Forseti will change that."

  "You wish to rekindle with her?" Hel asked. It hurt her pride to ask.

  "No," he said. "I suspect she is right and our time together has passed."

  Twisting the material of her skirt, Hel looked down. Like this, she was hard to read.

  "I wish to apologize for the way I treated you," he said and Hel quickly looked up. "I blamed you for things I needed to take responsibility for.”

  Uncomfortably, she shifted from one foot to the other.

  "I wanted to speak to you in the last few days, tell you about the evidence of others when I visited Vanaheim—"

  "You went to Vanaheim?"

  "Yes, but I have no way to reach you. I cannot pass through Gjoll river like you do."

  "No," she said. "Why did you wish to speak to me?"

  "Because for centuries, I have told you everything."

  "Well, you have been liberal in telling me how much you hate me."

  "I don't hate you."

  "Then what? What do you… do?"

  That was a conversation he wasn't ready to have. "I simply wish that I could see you more."

  "Why?"

  "I miss you. You have been my lover and my best friend for longer than I can recount."

  "I thought it was the potion that kept you so."

  "It took some time for me to understand what was the effects of the potion and what wasn't."

  "Meaning what?"

  "Meaning I am building a hall here, not far from here, and I wish you to come visit me. With things as they stand, I cannot live in Helheim."

  "And I do not live in Midgard. I have responsibilities."

  "I know it is not ideal." Stepping closer, he moved to her, and she let him. "I too have responsibilities, at least for a while. And you have young men draped all over your hall."

  Hel smiled. "You're jealous."

  "Maybe I am not thrilled with the idea," he admitted.

  "They're useless anyway," Hel said dismissively. "Curse me from the plague of youth. None of them had a sensible thought in their head."

  "If I build a hall, will you come?" he asked.

  "You promised me you would come back." The hurt of his desertion was now clear in her eyes, and she hated that it was. It could not be hidden, however.

  "Eventually I will. You cannot force me, Hel. It will mean more to you if I come on my own. And I want to. But I want you also to be part of this new world we are building."

  Guardedly, Hel looked out at the clearing, where gods chatted and laughed.

  "We can choose not to have the separation that has been in the past."

  "Your father was a tyrant and a bully."

  From her perspective, it was perhaps hard to argue. "Your father wasn't exactly bundle of joy to deal with, either. But they are both dead now, and we can choose not to continue their legacies. For me the choice is simple: we either choose us, or we choose not us."

  "It's not that simple," she said. "The others aren't going to see it that way."

  "I don't care what the others see. If they have guts, they can say it to my face and I will make my feelings on the topic known in bruises."

  Biting her lip, Hel smiled. "I love it when you're violent." Her finger worked its way into his tunic and he felt himself respond to the touch.

  "I think you know, though, that there are other physical interactions I much rather prefer." Stepping closer, his arm snaked around her, his fingers running down the swell of her backside. It felt as if it had been much too long since they had been here. This felt right. As much as he had tried to run from this, this was where he wanted to be.

  Not everything was settled perfectly, but as far as he was concerned, this was good enough. Forseti was back and healthy. Nanna was embracing her true self. Hoder was recovering, and the gods were back in force. And now, Hel was in his arms. Balder couldn't remember a time he had been this happy. The future was unknown, but it was very promising.

  Chapter 34

  PART OF HEL STILL TOLD her to push Balder away, that this was a trick and he was only urging her to drop her guard so he could stab her in the heart. Such pretty words, but words were just words at the end of the day. They were pretty words, though.

  His warmth, his strength was next to her and she had missed him so. He could not be replaced. All she wanted to do was melt into his arms and stay there, but this could be a new and cruel twist in a war that had raged between them since Vali came and dragged him out of her arms.

  When it came to gods, if it sounded too good to be true, it was too good to be true, and Balder was giving her what she secretly wanted. What better way to strike a blow, right to the heart?

  Still, she let him place his arms around her, embrace her as they stood there amongst the trees in the moonlight.

  There really were a lot of gods living, and Hel wasn't happy about it. The more gods, the more trouble. Everything had been perfect when it had just been him and her, and now he came with sweet words saying it would be again—just not yet. Was this some way of mollifying her? Would he go back to his brothers and then laugh about the things he'd said to her? It twisted her heart to think so.

  With the potion, she never had to question anything, now she weighed each and everything he said, searching for the falsehood. It was exhausting, but she couldn't walk away either. It was bleak without him, and no number of young men could replace him.

  Closing her eyes, she let herself just feel him holding her for a moment. For one moment, she could let it all be and simply believed in him. He was going to build a hall, he said, one where he wanted her to come visit him. Would he go so far as to build her a hall and then deceive her? But he wasn't coming to Helheim with her as he'd promised.

  Opening her eyes, she looked back at the clearing again, where countless gods stood, greeting each other, ready to start their mischief all over again. Was it possible to exist without the distinctions that had been before? Her and the water giant, Aegir, represented the other side, the enemy. They were vastly outnumbered, and the gods could very well decide to end them and let it be over with.

  Would Balder protect her if they turned on her? Looking up into his eyes, she tried to gauge him. He wasn't avoiding her eyes like he had the last time they had been in each other's arms. It had been rough and hurried, and driven completely by need. She still needed him.

  Leaning down, he kissed her and it felt much more intimate and confronting now than it ever had before. No longer the potion holding hi
s darker instincts at bay, this was unmodulated, darker instincts intact.

  What did he want from her? Why was he here and not there with his uncles and brothers?

  Letting her mind slip away, she succumbed to the sweetness of the kiss, drawing her back to the very day she'd met him. He'd been so beautiful, sailing to her shore on his ship, awakening as the stern ran up her shore. It was like the sun had descended and come to her, and she hadn't been able to look away since.

  Breaking the kiss, his lips traveled down the column of her neck, trailing unbearable sweetness. How was she supposed to say no to this, to turn away? Standing tall, he lifted her up, her body pressed to his.

  As opposed to last time, this had slipped out of her control, moving away from where she felt safe into territory that was anything but.

  Shifting away from the tree line, he walked her further into the forest, away from where they could possibly be seen. He could slay her and no one would see, not that any would come to her rescue. Aegir might.

  Sitting down, he brought her with him so she straddled him, then his hand stroked down her hair. The moonlight made him glow pale, his golden hair darker. For a moment, he said nothing, only looked at her.

  "You will come to trust me," he said quietly.

  "You think you know my thoughts, then?"

  "I might have been addled, but I always knew you. I always knew what you wanted."

  "Which is what?"

  "Me."

  It was an arrogant statement and she wanted to bristle against it, but it was true. For thousands of years, she had been happy, and then he'd torn it down. The ache of it speared through her. He'd hurt her, more than she wanted to admit.

  "Yes," she admitted. Judging by her actions, was there any point in denying it? The lengths she'd gone to to keep him, to have him love her back.

  "Then stay with me tonight. Let this be ours. Let the moon and these trees marry us. A night where we mend any division."

  Urging her head back, he kissed her neck. He was urging her to drop her guard, to bare her heart. Arms held her close, his body along hers.

  He was proposing to be hers, even if there was so much that kept them apart. There was no potion steering his heart, and she needed to choose that this be true—that he loved her. The truth was that she had no fight left in her—she needed this, needed him. If this was not true, she would bleed endlessly, but it wasn't something she could protect herself from. It was a risk she had to take.

  Pulling him tight, she held him close, his heart against hers, seeking a moment of stillness. Fear washed over her for a moment. Calmly, he sensed she needed to be held. The potion had provided her safety to love him before, but there was no safety now. "Come what may," she said.

  Fingers softly trailed down her back. "Everything will be fine."

  Awkwardly, she nodded. It would be fine. He was here with her and he promised they would be together. Seeking her mouth, they kissed again, a slow, deep kiss. Strong arms lifted her so there was soft moss at her back.

  "Do you take me, Hel?" he asked. Distracting hands ran down her body, wringing sensations throughout her. Nestled between her thighs, his weight came down on her.

  She could barely speak—every touch, every sensation drawing her away, lulling her mind. "Yes," she whispered, trying to understand what it was she was agreeing to, but every part of her body was aching for him.

  "Then it is you and me," he said, kissing her again, as his hand drew her dress up her thigh. Then drawing the neckline lower so it bared her breast. His firm, warm tongue teased her the way that drove her to utter distraction. Her hips sought his, sought more, but he was too intent on teasing her until she couldn't think or breathe. The pressure and ache inside her were painful, but she was too caught in its maelstrom to chide him for it, eagerly seeking his lips when they returned to her.

  His manhood to her entrance, he pressed in, reverting to the stillness she'd needed before. He was watching her as the flood of sensation took them both. Her arm around his shoulder, she held him to her, anchoring her in this storm. The strong tension was biting, but wasn't as tender as her heart felt. He was promising her that she wouldn't be alone, that he was hers.

  Each stroke felt like a surge, breaking the levy that had protected her heart for so long. Her body arched to draw him closer, deeper. Short gasps escaped her each time he ground inside her. This was theirs; it belonged to them. They belonged together.

  Tension built higher, again slipping out of her grip, keeping her at its mercy. Then the stillness again for a moment, before it all came crashing down on her. Holding tight, she faced the onslaught. Pleasure surged throughout her body.

  She was his, she was his, and he was hers. They were together. Strong shudders worked through his body and she held him as tightly as she could. Quakes of pleasure shivered through her.

  "I love you," she whispered, but he was too lost to hear her. Perhaps that was for the best as she suspected she needed to work her way up to saying the words to him. A great, heaving breath returned air to his lungs and then he stilled. Bringing her arms around his neck, she held him as they lay spent and drained.

  That niggle of fear that was still inside her threatened to return, but she refused to entertain it. She could choose to believe in them; choose to have faith in him. Her beautiful Balder. The sun had come to the moon and they were magnificent together. Always had been, but he was right, it was more when he chose to come to her.

  Well, he couldn't. She had to come to him. It was the only way they could be together. Other than him traveling a week to come find her. Would he if she forced him to? Would he desert his brothers to be with her? She could force him, but resentment would build. Partially she wanted to prove that he would come, but she also knew that being here right now meant a lot to him. It was much sweeter when she let him come to her. There was sweetness there.

  Keeping check on her urge to test his resolve, she would try to let this unfold. Patience wasn't one of her virtues, but there was so very much at stake here.

  Laying on her, he leaned on his elbows, but didn't move. "The moon has blessed us, I think," he said, smiling.

  Grudgingly, he pulled away from her, out of her and leaned back, drawing her hands with him until she sat.

  Again he kissed her. "Come to the glade and greet everyone."

  Uncertainty descended on her again. Her heart was raw and exposed. It was a poor time to take any barbs thrown her way. Again, though, she was so very curious about how Balder would be. If there was a test to be had, perhaps this was it. He might promise her anything she wanted under the light of the moon, but what would he promise in front of his brothers and uncles?

  Smiling tightly, she rose, still unsure she wanted to do this. It could all come crashing down now and she would be walking from here with her head held high, refusing to give in to the tears stinging her eyes.

  His arm around her shoulder, they walked to the tree line, then out into the open. He didn't release her, or urge her away. Many here didn't know their history, didn't know Balder and Nanna were no more.

  "Hel is joining us," he said as they came closer to the fire. There was silence for a moment, but his arm around her told them such. The urge to run flittered through her, but she held herself calm, facing the attention on her.

  "Welcome, Hel," Hoder said. The one that could not see her. It was a kindness and she would not forget it.

  "Thank you," she said.

  "I take it you did not slumber," said one of them she did not know.

  "No, we did not slumber," Balder said and kissed her on the side of the head. If there was any doubt as to their relationship, there wasn't now. "In fact, I am to build us a hall here. Anyone is welcome to join us if you do not wish to return to wherever you have slept, or otherwise."

  "Anyone is welcome to join me in the sea," Aegir said. "Where have you been, my friend?" he asked Vili.

  "The elves."

  "You have been with the elves?" someone asked with the s
ame surprise Hel held.

  "I would never have guessed they would have allowed you."

  "They took pity on me, I think," he said.

  "Beats Nastrond, I suppose," someone said. Her head held high, she didn't say anything, but it was skirting close to their disdain for her and hers.

  "Anything beats Nastrond," Hoder said. Perhaps he had a right to complain, she conceded. Nidhogg's hospitality was lacking slightly.

  Chapter 35

  "COME BACK TO BED, wife," Balder said, pulling her hand as she tried to rise.

  "I must go," she said with a smile. The distant singing of the sun coming shivered through the air. "I must harvest tonight," she said and pulled on her gown that had been thrown over a chair in the hall Balder had built for her.

  Countless nights, she had laid enveloped in his arms here. The separation wasn't that bad. She would come when it pleased her and could be alone when she sought solitude. It was her choice and she liked it. Also, she liked lying with him here, keeping him from sleep.

  Looking back at his naked body, she smiled. Granted, she might not want to leave just yet, but she had a job to do. Neglecting it only brought suffering to those who needed to pass. In the past, she hadn't cared, but Balder made her softer. These humans were now his humans. Poor things had been inundated with gods to worship. Not that worshipping gods did them much good. Gods were much too concerned with their own business to worry about anyone else's.

  "How goes it with your kin?" she asked. Since the night in the glade, she hadn't seen any of them, except Hoder, whom she occasionally dined with. One day, though, he suddenly appeared young. It certainly took Hel by surprise seeing him with long blond hair and a smooth face. Quite handsome. Vili had brought apples, apparently.

  "They argue and debate. It is like the olden times. No one can agree what to do next. I have suggested that we clear away the ash from Asgard and Vanaheim so the land can recover. Then build a shrine to Father, which is a massive undertaking, and we cannot agree on how to do."