A Sinful Calling

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  Chapter 12

  Alicia held her head back, and the soothing hot water sprayed across the front of her body. She’d finally slept a little better last night thanks to the call she’d made to her mom, but she still felt tired, and a good shower always made her feel more refreshed. It was said that a person should take a warm shower at bedtime to relax and a cold one in the morning to wake up, but Alicia had found that taking a hotter-than-normal shower anytime was what she loved. She wasn’t sure why, but she’d always been that way. So much so that when she and Levi showered together, he immediately cooled down the temperature because it was too much for him.

  Alicia slowly rotated her body, allowing the water to stream across her back, and smiled. She still couldn’t get over how quickly things with her mom had changed. The two of them had always been close, and when Alicia had spoken to her yesterday, it had felt as though they’d never drifted apart. She’d been able to feel her mother’s love, smile, and tears right through the phone, and even now, she wanted to cry again. Not because she was sad, but because she was so excited she could burst. A heavy burden had been lifted from her, and she couldn’t wait for her and Levi to have dinner with her mom and James. She also couldn’t stop thinking about the warm smile on Levi’s face when she’d told him, because this was something he’d wanted for a long time as well. He didn’t talk about it as much anymore, but in the beginning, he’d blamed himself for the breakdown of Alicia’s relationship with her family. Alicia had told him otherwise, but he’d still felt bad about it.

  Now, if only her dad could surrender his disapproval. If only he could recognize how wrong he was for alienating his own daughter and her husband. Yes, she’d had an affair with Levi behind Phillip’s back both times she’d been married to him, but she and Levi weren’t perfect. More important, neither was her dad, and if anyone were to review his list of sins, they’d be reading and thinking for a very long time. Her dad had done a lot, and he’d done some pretty vicious and cruel things to people. Today he was a good man, but Alicia remembered all the way back to when she’d been a small child and her parents were married. No one knew it, but her father had gone as far as putting his hands on her mom. He’d threatened and blackmailed people in the church to get what he wanted, and he’d slept around on all three of his wives: Tanya, Mariah, and Charlotte. Then there was this whole thing with Dillon and how the situation had played out with his mom. So Alicia couldn’t understand how her father could judge anyone. It just didn’t make sense, but all she could think was that he somehow had a problem with forgiving his own children who had hurt him, even though he regularly forgave others.

  Alicia turned back around, facing the water again, and with no warning, Phillip’s bloody body flashed in her mind. She blinked a couple of times, but the image only became clearer. She then saw herself throwing her vehicle into park on the side of the highway and jumping out of it. She was remembering the night Phillip had found out she was sleeping with Levi again, and he’d forced her to drive toward Chicago at gunpoint. But when Alicia had discovered that he was planning for them to go to Levi’s former residence, she’d known he was going to kill both of them. This was when she’d decided her only chance at surviving was to stop the car and try to flag down a passerby on the highway. But in the end, the gun had accidentally gone off.

  Alicia’s heart beat faster, and she tried to think about something else. But the visions and reality of that night remained in full effect. She saw Phillip’s lifeless body over and over again. It was almost as if she were watching a one-scene movie, and soon she burst into tears and leaned her head against the ceramic wall.

  “Dear God, please help me,” she whispered. “Please release me from my sins. I’m so sorry for what happened.”

  You still don’t get it, do you?, the voice said. No one can help you, not even God. You killed one of His own. A man who loved Him, honored Him, and taught His Word. You hurt Phillip two different times, and he had a nervous breakdown because of it. He lost it, and now he’s dead. And it’s all your fault. It will always be your fault, and you know what you need to do.

  Alicia began hyperventilating and trying to catch her breath. But the voice never let up.

  Okay, what you need to do is just breathe. Take deep breaths, but do it slowly.

  Alicia listened and breathed in and out.

  That’s better. Now, try to calm yourself down, because getting upset won’t change anything. It won’t change what the truth is. You made a mistake, a man is dead, but what’s done is done. All the crying for the next decade won’t bring him back, and there’s only one way to end the tears and guilt. It’s time you realize that so you can end all your misery. You say you love God, but God doesn’t want any of His children to suffer. Right?

  Alicia nodded yes.

  Then you know what you have to do. It’s time to make things easier for your family. All they want is for someone to pay for Phillip’s death. They don’t like that an innocent man died, yet the person responsible is walking around scot-free. They just want you to do the right thing. It’s the only way they can truly love you again and find peace. It’s all up to you, though.

  Alicia grabbed the top of her head and cried loudly. “No, please don’t do this. Please just leave me alone. I’m begging you.”

  She cried so hard her chest heaved in and out, and then she dropped to the floor of the shower. The water drenched her hair, but she just sat there curled in a ball.

  “Baby, what is going on in here?” Levi asked, opening the glass door and turning off the water. He helped Alicia to her feet. “Baby, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

  Alicia held on to him, still weeping uncontrollably as he walked her out of the shower. He grabbed a large bath towel and wrapped it around her. When she settled down some, he dried her hair and then her body.

  He then escorted her into the bedroom and sat her on the bed until he was able to pull one of her robes from the closet. He helped her put it on and then sat down beside her and hugged her.

  Alicia leaned her head against him and started crying again.

  “Baby, what happened? And please don’t tell me ‘nothing,’ because I know something’s wrong.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whimpered. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Sorry for what?”

  “Causing you so many problems. I know I haven’t been myself, but I’m okay.”

  “No, you’re not, and it’s time you get some help.”

  “I’m fine.”

  Levi turned her face upward and looked at her. “Then why were you sitting on the floor of the shower, nearly hysterical?”

  She hesitated, but went ahead and told him the truth. Not about the voice, though. “I thought about Phillip and how he died. I saw his body and all the blood, and I couldn’t handle it. But I’m not going to think about that anymore. I’m going to pray harder than I have been.”

  “Prayer is good, but I think you need to talk to someone. I told you that before, but now it’s time you call someone to make an appointment. If you don’t do it, I will.”

  “That’s really not necessary.”

  Levi removed his arm from around her. “Why do you insist on doing this? Pretending that everything is okay, when you’re clearly about to have a nervous breakdown?”

  Alicia grabbed his arm with both hands. “Baby, I know it seems like that, but it’s really me who’s causing this. I think about things, and I make them worse than they really are. I’m completely aware of everything that’s going on. I’m not losing my mind.”

  “I didn’t say you were, but anyone can have a nervous breakdown. You don’t have to be crazy for that to happen. And I wish you’d stop making excuses,” he said matter-of-factly.

  Alicia could tell he’d had it with her, so she agreed to what he wanted. “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll call Melanie tonight to see if her psychologist can recommend someone.”

  “Maybe you can see the same person.”

  “Her doctor specializes i
n eating disorders, but I need a grief therapist.”

  “Well, just as long as you see someone. That’s all I want.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  “I hope you’re telling the truth, baby, because this is serious. This problem you have is tearing you apart, and when you’re hurting I’m hurting.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry. I’m going to take care of this, okay?”

  Levi didn’t seem fully convinced, but when she kissed him he finally wrapped his perfectly chiseled arms around her and kissed her back. She felt his tense body relaxing more and more, and she knew when he laid her down on the bed and untied her robe that they were good.

  She loved this man, and she wanted them to be happy. And they would be. He thought she needed to see a shrink, but he was wrong about that. She just needed to focus on the positive aspects of her life and stop thinking about Phillip and her dad. It was time she forgave herself. That way she could begin healing and truly forget what happened, once and for all.

  Chapter 13

  Dillon drove his black S-Class Mercedes out of the subdivision and waved at one of their female neighbors. Her husband was CEO at one of the top manufacturing companies in the city, and she was a stay-at-home mom. Dillon had never said more than a few words to her, but he always laughed when he saw her because he could tell she wanted him. Her husband was nearly three hundred pounds, not much to look at, and had to be at least sixty, yet she wasn’t more than thirty-five. Even Raven had decided the woman had only married the man for money and status, and Dillon agreed. She wasn’t Dillon’s type, though, so Mr. Overweight CEO didn’t have a thing to worry about when it came to his wife; not where Dillon was concerned, anyway.

  He continued down the street, heading to the church, and turned right at the first stoplight. When he was a child, he’d longed to have a luxury car, and he hadn’t cared which brand. Mercedes, Lexus, Audi, BMW, or Cadillac—he’d loved them all, and he’d told himself that when he became an adult, he’d have one or another. This hadn’t happened, though, until he’d moved to Mitchell and met his dad. And his dad had given him all that money. It had been a dream come true, and one of the first things Dillon had done was buy himself a black Cadillac Escalade just like Curtis’s.

  Dillon shook his head, wondering why everything always resorted back to that demon he called his father. Why couldn’t he just wipe Curtis from his mind, the same as his dad was doing with him? It was so tiring and frustrating, and Dillon wished he could punch someone. Right now, anyone would do, except he thought about how silly it was to worry about something he couldn’t control, something he couldn’t change no matter how much he wanted to. It was then that he thought about multiple ways to ruin his dad, and he smiled. He considered one idea after another, but he wouldn’t settle on anything until he knew for sure what would work. He’d tried to get him before and had failed, but not this time. All he had to do from here on out was plan things step by step while also considering the consequences.

  He turned on SiriusXM radio, which was already set on the Heart & Soul channel. This was his favorite R&B music station, but sometimes he listened to The Heat if that’s what he was in the mood for. The Heat aired the kind of gangsta rap music most pastors probably didn’t listen to, and he was sure many in his congregation, including some elders, wouldn’t understand, either—well, except maybe Vincent, of course. But Dillon liked what he liked. He also wasn’t a fan of gospel music, the way some would have expected, but he kept that to himself. The reason: He’d once heard his dad say that anyone who didn’t like gospel music was either a lukewarm Christian or not a Christian at all. Dillon didn’t abhor gospel music, and there were actually a couple of songs he enjoyed, but he couldn’t see listening to it daily the way some folks did.

  He bobbed his head to one of Charlie Wilson’s songs until his phone rang. His administrative assistant’s name and number displayed on his dashboard. He pressed the large control down in front of the center console to activate his car speaker.

  “Good morning, Miss Brenda, how are you?”

  “Good morning, I’m doing well. And what have I told you about calling me Miss Brenda, young man?”

  “You know how I feel about that.”

  “Yeah, and you know I feel, too. I understand and appreciate the way you respect me as your elder, but I still work for you. ‘Miss Brenda’ doesn’t sound all that professional, and I keep trying to tell you that.”

  Dillon laughed because they’d been going back and forth about this the whole time she’d been with him. It was their own private little joke. “Well, I’m sorry to disobey you, but I can’t help it.”

  “Anyway,” Brenda said, dismissing him, “how are you?”

  “Can’t complain.”

  “That’s for sure. We’re all much too blessed for that. But hey, the reason I’m calling is to remind you that I have a doctor’s appointment this morning. So I won’t be here when you arrive.”

  “Oh, okay. I didn’t remember, but you know it’s fine.”

  “I just didn’t want you to wonder where I was, and I also left your updated calendar for today and tomorrow on your desk. I added a couple of phone calls you need to make because two of our members were just admitted to the hospital yesterday.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, and thanks for alerting me. But more important, are you okay?”

  “Yes, just having my annual checkup.”

  “Good. Well, I’ll see you this afternoon, then?”

  “Yes, and maybe even before noon.”

  “Okay, then.”

  “Thanks, Pastor.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  When he pressed the button, he smiled again. Brenda Dawson always made him feel better about everything. At first, he hadn’t been all that open to hiring a woman who was old enough to be his mother, but Raven had made it clear that he wouldn’t be hiring anyone close to his age. She’d talked about all the stories she’d heard about pastors and their secretaries, and how she wasn’t dealing with that kind of nonsense. Now, though, he was glad he’d hired Miss Brenda, who was twenty years his senior, because she treated him like a son. Miss Lana, his dad’s administrative assistant, regarded Curtis the same way, and it was interesting how Dillon unintentionally walked in his father’s footsteps in many areas.

  He sighed when he realized he was thinking about his father again, and flipped through his radio channels. He didn’t want to hear the song that was playing, so he searched for something else. When he landed on a Christian talk station, he turned it again. But then he frowned when he thought he’d heard his dad’s voice. He was sure he couldn’t have, but he turned back to the program to see. He listened to the male host asking another question, and to Dillon’s dismay, his father was in fact the guest.

  “Well, I think one of the saddest things I see are phony Christians,” Curtis said. “And since I used to be one myself, I can spot them a mile away. Even when they seem near perfect.”

  “That’s interesting, and I agree with you,” the host said. “It really bothers me when people play with God.”

  “Yes, and even sadder are men and women who claim they’ve been called by God to minister when they know they haven’t. In many cases, God hasn’t told them anything, yet they decide on their own to become ministers and pastors. And they do it just to make money. Or like in my case when I first became a pastor in the Chicago area, I really was called, but I also loved the way my occupation attracted women. Many of them threw themselves at me and were willing to do anything I wanted. Anything to be with a pastor. At the time, I had about three thousand members, but even pastors who have less than a hundred can usually sleep around with as many women as they want. I was young and dumb, but it still doesn’t excuse my actions. I made bad choices, and it’s the reason I try to mentor and warn other ministers when I can.”

  “It’s great that you’re so transparent,” the host said. “This is the reason I wanted to have you call in, and if you’re willing I’d love t
o have you back.”

  “I appreciate that, Jacob. I’d be glad to.”

  “So do you meet pastors like this all the time?”

  “Unfortunately, I do, and I’m ashamed to say that I know one of the young men very well. He lives right here in Mitchell. And in his case, he’ll do anything to get what he wants, and he has no moral values. He even once had a fiancée who he treated like an animal, and he slept with his own brother’s wife. He’s also done things to other family members, yet he has a pretty sizable congregation.”

  “Hmmm,” Jacob said. “That’s really too bad.”

  Dillon nearly missed seeing the red light and slammed on his brakes. His face tightened, and he squinted his eyes. His father was actually on national radio, criticizing him publicly? It was bad enough that Curtis wanted nothing to do with him, but now he was going too far. He hadn’t said Dillon’s name, but everyone in Mitchell and most people nationwide knew that the Reverend Curtis Black had a son who was pastor of a church and that they lived in the same city.

  When the light changed, Dillon stepped on the gas, flying down the road in outrage. But the more he drove, the more he slowed his speed…and then he smiled again. He hated this man, but oh, was his day coming. After this, Dillon would make paying his father back his top priority. He wouldn’t be satisfied until the deed was done. His father had overstepped his bounds, and it was time for Dillon to stop him—it was high time for Reverend Curtis Black to see that his son wasn’t some punk. Dillon was his firstborn child, and he would make his dad regret the day he ever met him.