by Cox, Carrie;
“What’s the matter?” Lauren asked, putting a hand onto Maria’s shoulder. “Please, Maria, whatever is the matter?”
“He’s taken two bottles of whiskey,” Alexander said in clipped tones, and he glared at me as if it was all my fault.
“You can’t blame Kristina,” Lauren said. “That’s not fair.”
Before Alexander could reply, his cell phone rang and he slipped it quickly out of his pocket and answered it on the second ring.
Alexander’s face paled as he listened to whoever was on the other end of the phone. “Okay,” he said and hung up.
He looked directly at me. “Jack’s been seen on the edge of the cliffs.”
He didn’t wait for us to reply. He set off running across the lawn in the direction of the cliffs.
Cliffs.
The word seemed to echo in my mind over and over.
It didn’t mean anything. I tried to reassure myself. Jack was probably just out for a walk. So what if he needed a drink. It had been a hard day.
No, I told myself again, it didn’t mean anything… but even so, Lauren and I chased after the distant figure of Alexander until my lungs were burning and I was gasping for breath.
15
Alexander sprinted ahead. I tried my best to keep up, but it felt like I was wading through thick molasses.
It reminded me about a recurring nightmare I’d had when I’d been a little girl. In the dream, I had tried to run away from a two-headed monster, but my legs would never move fast enough. This situation gave me exactly the same feeling of dread. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop the inevitable.
I willed my legs to move faster, but they felt so heavy and unresponsive.
I couldn’t see Lauren, but I knew she was running too. I could hear the thud of her feet against the lawn behind me.
Ahead of us, Alexander suddenly disappeared from view. I knew he was now making his way down towards the cliff edge. The lawns sloped steeply down to meet a stony section of earth and rock before the land dropped away completely.
I said a mental prayer.
Please let him be okay. Oh, God, please.
I couldn’t stand it if…
I could hear angry voices. Alexander was shouting, but I was sure I could hear someone replying angrily. Was it Jack? I couldn’t make out what he was saying over the sound of the breaking waves.
When I finally reached the edge of the grass, I stopped abruptly. The sight that greeted me stole my breath away.
Jack stood only inches away from the edge of the cliff, his dark hair buffeted by the strong breeze. Alexander was only a couple of feet away from him, his whole body taut, facing him off.
Jack swayed a little, and took a step closer to the edge. I opened my mouth to scream, but no noise came out.
Jack’s face was flushed, and his eyes burned as he stared at his older brother.
My breath was still coming hard and fast. I couldn’t seem to inhale enough oxygen.
After what seemed like an age, Jack turned around and saw Lauren and I standing there. Under any other circumstances, it would have been comical because he did a double take and then frowned.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. “Why has everybody come down to the cliffs? I wanted to be on my own.”
Jack’s words were slurred, and he’d obviously been drinking heavily. As if any further evidence was needed, he kicked at the empty bottle of whiskey next to his feet.
I couldn’t reply. I couldn’t even swallow the lump in my throat. I wanted to shout at him, to scream at him to get away from the edge, and I wanted to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. I wanted to know if he was planning to jump.
But I said nothing. I just nodded.
“I don’t know what all this damn fuss is about. I told you, I just needed a little peace and quiet.” He turned away, awkwardly stumbling in a way that made me catch my breath.
But he didn’t fall. He headed away from the cliff edge, clambering back up the stony gravel area towards the lawn.
Alexander quickly walked to Jack’s side and offered a hand to help his brother when he stumbled, but Jack pulled his hand away harshly. After Jack stormed past him, Alexander stood there staring after him.
We all watched Jack’s retreating figure as he walked back to the house.
After a moment, I felt Lauren’s hand in mine and she squeezed my fingers. It was such a simple gesture, but it meant the world to me. I could feel my eyes watering, so I bit down on the inside of my mouth and pinched the bridge of my nose hard to stop myself crying.
Then I took a step towards Alexander. His face was pale, and he looked shell shocked. I know it was cruel of me, but I had to ask.
I took a couple more steps towards him. “Was Jack going to…?”
I couldn’t make myself actually say the words.
Alexander shook his head. “I don’t know. I just found him like that, at the edge of the cliff.” Alexander’s voice sounded flat and emotionless, but I knew that he was just as distraught as me.
I glanced back at the churning sea, taking in the sharp peaks of the great, glistening rocks and bit my lip. I felt Lauren wrap her arm around my waist, tugging on me gently.
“Come on,” she said. “There’s no point hanging round here now. Let’s go back to the house.”
16
Jack
I stormed back into the house, ignoring Maria’s questions as I walked past. I grabbed another bottle of whiskey from the kitchen and hugged it tightly against my chest.
I was so unbelievably angry. I didn’t know where this fury had come from, but in that moment, I didn’t think I could talk to anyone without biting their head off.
I struggled with the handle of the door leading to my wing, and in my frustration, I kicked the door, leaving a smudged, black boot mark.
“What the hell?” Brian’s voice came from inside, and a moment later, he opened the door.
I watched his expression closely as his eyes skimmed over me, no doubt taking in my bloodshot eyes and my slumped posture, before his gaze focused on the bottle of whiskey in my hands.
“No goddamn lectures,” I growled as I pushed my way past him.
“What the hell are you doing? You reek of alcohol,” Brian said.
“I said no lectures.”
I turned around and set the bottle of whiskey heavily on the counter. Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite level, and the bottle tilted before falling over. I scrambled to grab it and make sure the precious amber liquid didn’t spill.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Brian shaking his head at me in disapproval.
“What? I can’t have a drink now?” I shook my head. “I can have a drink if I damn well want to, Brian. I’m not on those strong painkillers anymore. No more medications, which means I can have a little fun.” I sneered at him. “We can’t all be perfect like you.”
Brian’s mouth tightened in a hard line, and I could tell he wanted to fight back, to argue with me, and that was exactly what I wanted too.
I needed an argument, a fight to dispel this rage burning within me, but Brian just shook his head.
“I guess there’s no point in me hanging around then,” he said. “We’re obviously not going to do this afternoon’s workout.”
I shrugged. “Whatever.”
Brian tensed, and I can’t say I blamed him. Whatever? I sounded like a sulky teenage girl. I could see Brian’s whole posture loosen as he forced himself to relax. He was a big guy, huge biceps and forearms. He shrugged his well-muscled shoulders and walked into the other room to collect his possessions.
I slumped down onto the sofa, cradling my bottle.
When Brian came back out into the sitting area, he didn’t look mad anymore. He looked disappointed and that made me feel a million times worse. I didn’t want his damn pity.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jack,” he said. “Take care of yourself.”
I gave him a sarcastic little wave
and watched him leave.
After he closed the door behind him, I took a long pull on the whiskey bottle.
I wanted to block it all out, especially the look on all their faces. I couldn’t stand the picture in my head, the image of my brother staring me down, thinking I was going to kill myself.
I wasn’t, but I couldn’t explain that to him.
I was a thrill seeker, and I always had been. I lived on the edge, and I needed that risk, that thrill. It was as essential as oxygen to me.
I couldn’t explain that to Alexander. He was all about forward planning and calculating risks before making his move. He was all about thinking things through, whereas I liked to act first and think later.
We were just too different.
I took another drag on the whisky bottle as I remembered the look of hurt in his eyes when I’d yelled at him that I needed some space.
He’d flinched when I told him he was smothering me and that I couldn’t breathe. My cool, calm brother, Alexander. Unemotional, cold, calculating — all words that people have used to describe him. But no matter what people said, he was my brother, and I knew him like no one else.
He was a decent guy beneath his cold exterior, and my words had cut him deep. I hated myself for it.
I put down the bottle of whiskey and leaned back on the sofa, kicking off my boots. Why did he drive me to this? Why couldn’t he understand I never wanted to hurt him?
17
Kristina
I got back to the main house just in time to see Brian leaving. I watched as his Mercedes skidded its way out of the driveway in a cloud of dust. I didn’t have to use much of my imagination to guess that Brian and Jack had exchanged heated words.
I was nervous. I didn’t know how Jack would react to me now. Perhaps it would be better to wait until tomorrow to talk to him. I could wait until he was sober. I doubted I would get much sense out of him now anyway. But I still had to make sure he was okay.
I opened the door to Jack’s wing and entered the sitting room. Jack was propped up on the sofa, with his eyes closed. The television was on, a replay of one of the Grand Prix races. The racing cars speeding around the circuit were making a hell of a racket. Was he really sleeping through that?
I hesitated. I wasn’t sure if he was really asleep, but he didn’t react when I closed the door and stepped further inside the room.
“I can hear you, you know,” he said.
It made me jump.
I turned to look at him. His eyes were blazing, and he looked absolutely furious.
“I’m waiting,” he said.
I frowned, confused. “For what?”
“For my lecture. You know, the one where you tell me off for drinking too much, tell me I shouldn’t be out on my own and how I should be stuck in Alexander’s pocket for the rest of my life and…”
He paused and gave a puzzled frown like he’d lost his thread. The whiskey must have affected him more than he’d anticipated.
After a moment, he shrugged and continued. “Well, you know the rest… something about me being ungrateful… blah blah blah.”
“I wasn’t going to say that,” I said.
“No?”
“No!” I put my hands on my hips. He wasn’t being fair.
“Well, that’s what my brother thinks.”
“It’s not like that,” I said. “Alexander thought that…” My unsaid words hung heavily between us until I turned away and bit my lip.
I was so mad at him, but this situation was ridiculous. This was such a huge thing. I couldn’t just ignore it and brush it under the carpet as if nothing had ever happened. Although, that was what everyone else around here seemed to do. It was as if they believed that if they didn’t talk about it, then the problem would just go away.
I could feel the anger bubbling up inside me, and I turned back around to face him.
“He thought you were going to jump, Jack,” I said. I spoke the words clearly and slowly in a low voice, staring into his beautiful, dark eyes, fighting my desire to scream at him hysterically.
He was breathing heavily, and his jaw was clenched.
“You don’t understand. I wasn’t going to jump, but you can’t know what it’s like to go from the man I used to be before,” he said. “I travelled the world. I went where I wanted. I slept with who I liked, and I drove around a race track at breakneck speed. I was good at it, Kristina. It made me feel alive. I was a success. Now what am I? Look at me.”
I saw the pain in his dark eyes and wanted to cry.
He got to his feet and walked towards me, stopping by the small kitchen area and leaning on the counter.
I looked up at his perfect face. “You’re still the same, Jack,” I said. “It’s just…”
He slammed his fist onto the counter, making me jump again.
“No, Kristina. Don’t give me that bull.” He stroked my cheek, and then he added with a whisper, “Please, I can’t hear that from you.”
After a moment, he broke eye contact and stared down at his clenched fist.
“I thought you would understand,” he said quietly, and then he looked at me. His expression was so full of hurt that I just wanted to kiss him and wrap my arms around him. I wanted to do anything I could just to make him feel better.
I got it. I understood why he was so upset. I wanted to make it better for him, but I couldn’t. I just didn’t know how.
“I do understand,” I said, and my voice shook as I spoke. “But this isn’t how it’s going to be forever. You have to remember how far you’ve come.”
He turned away from me and made a scoffing sound.
I took two steps to close the distance between us and took his jaw between both of my hands, turning his face to make him look at me.
I was momentarily distracted by the roughness of the stubble lining his jaw. I wanted to press my lips to his and kiss him hard. I wanted to feel the rough scratch of his stubble as his mouth claimed mine. That would be easier than talking this through, but I swallowed and carried on.
“When I got here, Jack, you were in a wheelchair. Now you’re getting around on your own and you hardly ever need your crutches. It’s amazing progress.”
“It’s not fast enough,” he snapped, and despite the seriousness of the situation, I had to hide my smile. Underneath it all, he was like an impatient little boy.
“It’s freaking amazing, Jack, and you will get there. You will be back to normal. I know it.”
His shoulders slumped, and he sighed.
“I miss it,” he said in a quiet voice. “The racing, I mean. I don’t think I can live without it.”
“Maybe you won’t have to,” I said in a whisper.
“Really? You think I might be able to race again?”
That made me worry I’d given him false hope. What did I know about racing? It hadn’t worked out so well in the simulator. And he was right about one thing. I could never really understand what it was like to have something like that ripped away from me.
What could I tell him to make him feel better? I’d say anything and that was the problem. If I encouraged him in his dream to return to racing and it didn’t work out, it could destroy him.
I’d run out of words. I didn’t know how else to make him feel better, so I leaned forward and put my cheek against the warm cotton of his t-shirt, listening to the steady beat of his heart.
“If anyone can do it, you can,” I said.
18
Jack
I pulled Kristina close to me and lowered my head to nuzzle into her hair. She smelled so good. It felt just right to have her in my arms.
I closed my eyes, trying to block out any other thoughts. I didn’t want to think about anything else. I just wanted to concentrate on how good Kristina felt in my arms.
But I couldn’t block out the other thoughts crowding my head.
The guilt was overwhelming.
I hated myself for putting her and Alexander through this. I should have known they’d
worry. But sometimes the need for danger overtook me, and I was reckless. I didn’t want to be wrapped in cotton wool for the rest of my life, but that didn’t mean I shouldn’t consider how my actions hurt other people.
I took in another calming deep breath, inhaling in the faint citrus scent of her perfume. I loved the way her soft hair tickled my face. I leaned down until my lips pressed against her forehead, then I moved my mouth to kiss her cheek, then the soft spot on her neck just under her ear.
As I covered her face with soft kisses, I felt her hesitant fingers moving up under my t-shirt, tracing my muscles and running over my back.
It felt so good.
I took her by the hand and led her over to the couch, pulling her down onto my lap.
I wanted to forget everything apart from this moment. I just wanted to focus on how she made me feel.
Kristina stared down at me, confusion and hurt still lingering in her eyes. I wanted her to be able to trust me. I didn’t want to put her through this. It wasn’t fair.
She leaned forward, and I could feel her warm breath against my cheek as she hesitated just millimeters from my mouth.
I waited, not wanting to rush things. I needed this to be all about what she wanted.
The alcohol had dulled the pain for a while, but the numbness was now receding and my head was starting to ache.
But all that was forgotten when she pressed her sweet, soft lips to mine. As soon as her tongue flickered out, delving into my mouth, I felt desire and need race through me.
I relaxed back against the cushions as her hands found their way to the button of my jeans.
My own hands slipped under her shirt. I cupped her gorgeous breasts, loving the soft curve of them in my hands.
I groaned as her small hand pushed inside my jeans, and my cock jerked as she gripped the hard length of me.
I ran the pad of my thumb over her erect nipple. The feel of her pushing her sweet curves against me was driving me crazy. Her hand slid up and then down my shaft, and I couldn’t stop my hips moving in time with her hand.
