Everything You Told Me

by Lucy Dawson

  We drop hands.

  ‘I’ll let you go back in,’ he says. ‘Your mum’s probably about to spontaneously combust.’ He smiles mischievously. ‘Tell her I asked you to come and look me up at Mum and Dad’s in case you fancied a drink or something while you’re here – which of course you can, if you’d like some company.’

  ‘I’ll bear that in mind. Thanks.’ I grin.

  He inclines his head gently, turns, and walks down the drive towards what I assume is his dad’s car. I can’t imagine a Jag is really his style – yet.

  ‘Take care, Sal,’ he calls out, blowing me a kiss as he gets in.

  I watch him go, waving as he rounds the corner and then disappears, before leaning on the door frame soberly for a minute. Separated with two small boys. Wow. There but for the grace of God… I suddenly want to call Matthew and tell him how much I love him. How lucky we are.

  I walk back into the sitting room to find Theo happily sitting on the carpet gumming his toy firefly, not in need of me at all, of course. I look at Mum and raise my eyebrow pointedly.

  ‘What?’ she says defensively.

  ‘Going out to lunch? Theo needs me?’

  ‘Well, I’m sorry, Sally, but if he thinks he can arrive at the party after the band’s packed up and demand an encore, he’s got another think coming.’

  ‘He just split up from his wife!’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘And thanks, by the way, for the heads-up on that piece of information. You didn’t think to mention it to me?’

  Mum stays mutinously quiet. ‘You’ll understand one day, when Chloe meets her Joe Ellis.’

  I don’t say anything to that, partly because the thought makes me feel ill. Instead, I say quietly, ‘He knew about me being picked up in Cornwall.’

  Mum drops my gaze. ‘I thought he might. I’m very sorry about that, Sally. I trusted someone I shouldn’t have on Saturday, when I felt a little overwhelmed by everything. Unfortunately she didn’t keep it to herself. Make no mistake that I’ll be taking it up with her, though. Now, I ought to get back to the shop, really, to get Chloe. I only came back to see why you weren’t answering your phone. Why haven’t you answered any of my messages? I was worried, and I didn’t want to ring the landline in case it woke Theo.’

  ‘I put my mobile on silent so I could close my eyes for a minute. I’ll put it back on now. There, all done. Why were you calling anyway? Is Chloe OK?’

  ‘She’s fine.’

  ‘Then why… Oh Mum, you weren’t checking up on me, were you? I’ve told you, there’s no need for you to worry!’

  ‘Well, you say that, and I come home to Joe Ellis sitting here, cool as you like. Lucky I did come back,’ she adds darkly.

  ‘He was hardly here for more than a minute before you came charging in.’

  ‘Hmmm,’ she says. ‘Well, just you remember, you have a husband who loves you very much. And the grass is never greener.’

  ‘Oh, honestly!’ It’s my turn to scold. ‘Don’t be ludicrous. Joe came around to say hello, that’s all. Seeing as you are here, though, I’m just going to pop to the loo before you go, if that’s OK?’

  ‘Yes, it’s fine. Be quick, though, or Chloe will be wondering where I am.’

  Upstairs, I actually go into my bedroom. I can’t help but check my appearance critically in the full-length mirror – only to wince. Mum’s out of her mind if she thinks Joe might have had any dishonourable intentions towards me. I should think the poor bloke had the shock of his life when I opened the front door. And how embarrassing that I didn’t even recognize him. I cringe afresh and sink down onto the bed for a moment. And now I’m going to have to tell Matthew that he was here, too. I lie back and stare up at the ceiling. Great. That’s going to be fun. Thanks to Liv, I think Joe has featured more in my life this week than he has in the last two decades.

  I hesitate and reach for my iPad, sitting next to the bed, and tap ‘Fields of Gold’ into YouTube. It’s ridiculously indulgent and foolish, but as the music starts – the other of the two songs I most associate with Joe – I close my eyes for a second, and immediately I’m back in the teenage bedroom at his parents’ house, lying on his single bed, the duvet and pillow smelling faintly of Fahrenheit aftershave. The window is open. It’s warm outside, and I can hear the seagulls lazily calling to each other in the otherwise sleepily still, late afternoon. God, I loved him. I can remember so clearly what it felt like to be that girl: just starting out in life, long summer days, eating supper outside in the garden with his parents, which we never did at home, driving my little car down the country lanes on my own back to Mum and Dad’s, feeling utterly happy and free… A lump wells up in my throat and I realize to my huge surprise that all this time I’ve assumed it was Joe walking away that broke my heart, when actually I think it was the loss of myself that did it. I stopped being that girl after what happened, and the sheer stupidity of what I did to try and win him back.

  I reach out and stop the music abruptly, before getting up and heading off downstairs.

  Mum looks up from where she is sitting on the carpet with Theo and smiles tiredly as I come back in. I walk over and drop a kiss on the top of her head.

  ‘I’m sorry for all the sleepless nights I’ve given you,’ I say sincerely, and then I sit down next to her, taking Theo gently from her. ‘What Liv told Matthew, about my taking all of those pills, was very private information and not something I ever intended for you, or anyone, to know. I was drunk out of my mind when I did it.’

  Mum’s eyes start to shine, and she just nods, for once unable to speak.

  ‘But I absolutely swear to you, I wasn’t attempting to kill myself on Friday night.’

  She reaches out and half squeezes my arm, while half using it to help her get to her feet. ‘I really do have to go and get that little girl. She’ll be starving. She’s been having a lovely time with Dad. You know, the one thing all this has made me think is that we live too far away from each other.’ She wipes her eyes quickly. ‘Three hours is too much. I want to be in Theo and Chloe’s lives all the time. I don’t suppose you might think about moving home? The schools are very good, and you’ve got lots of people who know you here, and as Joe said,’ she still struggles to say his name, ‘so many people work remotely these days. Perhaps Matthew could too?’

  ‘Perhaps,’ I say. ‘We have only just moved, though, Mum.’

  ‘Oh, you won’t stay in that house,’ she says, brushing her skirt off and walking to the door. ‘You’ll do it up and sell it on. It’s not your forever home. I feel it in my bones. Right, I’m just going to put a cauliflower cheese in the oven. If I’m not back in twenty-five minutes, could you take it out again?’

  After she’s gone, I reach for my phone, Theo sitting on my lap. Matthew picks up immediately.

  ‘Hey,’ he says worriedly. ‘You all right?’

  ‘I’m fine. I just wanted to say that I love you and I miss you,’ I say. ‘And I’m looking forward to seeing you, and coming home at the weekend. Hang on, Theo.’ I hold the phone out of his reach as he tries to grab for it. ‘Matthew, I need to tell you something. Joe – my ex – was just here.’

  ‘At your parents’?’ he says sharply.

  ‘Yes. He brought me some flowers because he’d seen the pictures of me in the paper and heard I’d been picked up in a distressed state in Cornwall. Mel said exactly the same thing. The whole village is talking about it – which is nice. Theo, darling, please wait a second! I put them both right, but the reason I’m telling you about Joe is because I don’t want it to seem like it was a secret meeting, which it wasn’t.’

  ‘He just brought you flowers. He didn’t want anything else?’ Matthew demands sceptically.

  ‘No, nothing. I just didn’t want you to think I was trying to hide anything from you, that’s all. I meant to ask you too – have you talked to your mum yet, about what I told you last night? The information she gave me about Kelly, I mean? Ooof!’ Theo makes another swipe for the phone,
misses, and scratches me instead, then, frustrated by his efforts, bursts into tears.

  ‘Yes, I have. It sounds like you’ve got your hands full. Can your mum take him for a sec?’

  ‘She’s not here. They’re all up at the shop.’

  ‘Oh right… You and Theo are alone at home then?’

  ‘Yup. Shall we chat later?’ I say reluctantly as Theo starts to wail properly. ‘I probably am going to have to go, I think, but I really do love you. Just so you know.’

  ‘I love you too. Just quickly, when you say you put Mel and Joe right about what really happened in Cornwall, what did you tell them?’

  ‘Oh, I explained I haven’t gone mad, and I don’t have any mental issues. I didn’t offer them an alternative explanation; I couldn’t – I don’t have one, do I?’

  He pauses. ‘I’m really sorry everyone is talking about you, Sal. That must be very hard.’

  ‘It’s OK. Mum’s packed me such dire wardrobe choices I’m not actually going to be able to leave the house in any case, so it’s not like anyone is going to have the opportunity to point fingers and inspect me for themselves. OK, darling! Mummy’s nearly finished. I’m going to have to go, Matthew.’

  ‘Sure. I would like to talk to you about what happened in Cornwall, though. I don’t want you to think that we’re just going to quietly sweep everything under the carpet, but I just think we should wait until your results from the tests come back clear first.’

  ‘Um, OK,’ I say warily. ‘Has something changed? You were adamant before that I wasn’t ill.’

  ‘No, no, it’s nothing like that. Listen, we’ll talk later. You go, Theo sounds like he’s losing the plot completely. Will your mum be home soon? They’re up at the shop, you say?’

  ‘Yes, they’re coming back for lunch. Let’s speak in a bit then. Bye, love.’ I hang up.

  Despite my earlier misgivings about confiding in Mel, it is actually a huge relief to have someone believe me, and Matthew actually does seem marginally calmer about everything today, which can only be a good thing.

  ‘Come on, Theo, let’s go in the other room, shall we, and see what we can find?’ I smile at my son, who eyes me balefully, unconvinced, before starting to cry. My phone also starts to ring again, and glancing at it, I see its Will. I can’t answer now – not with Theo like this.

  Wincing guiltily, I let it go to voicemail.

  Anyway, I still haven’t worked out what the hell I’m going to say to him.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  My mobile starts buzzing at about 7 a.m. At first, I think it’s my alarm and fumble around for it on the bedside table, only for it to stop of its own accord. Gratefully, I assume it’s gone into snooze mode, until it dawns on me that, of course, I’ve not had to use an alarm for some months now.

  I prop myself up on my elbows. I can hear the kids playing downstairs. Mum must have taken them to give me a lie-in. That’s so kind of her. I yawn and reach for the phone. It must have been someone trying to ring me. I peer at the screen. A missed call from Will. This early? I know I didn’t call him back yesterday, but still…

  It starts to ring in my hand. It’s him again. This is weird. Something’s wrong. I brace myself and pick up.

  ‘Hey,’ I say, rubbing my eyes. ‘You OK? I’m really sorry I haven’t called. I know what it is you want to discuss.’

  ‘Was it you?’ His voice is shaking with anger, and I immediately come to properly.

  ‘Was what me?’

  ‘Don’t try that,’ he says warningly. ‘You have done nothing but lie to me since you broke into my flat. Just tell me the truth now. Was it you who told the press about Kelly’s mother? It’s a straight answer: yes or no?’

  I freeze instantly. Oh my God, Mel… What have you done?

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘It’s everywhere! Kelly got a Google alert. She’s absolutely devastated. And guess what – they know about her upgrading the ring too. So my next question is, given you’re the only person I told about that, do you want to change your mind about the answer you just gave me?’

  ‘It wasn’t me!’

  ‘OK, then who did you tell?’

  I swallow. ‘Mel.’

  ‘Mel?’ he says in disbelief. ‘As in Mel from home? You’re not serious? You know what it’s like around there! They all tell each other everything about everyone!’

  ‘I asked her not to! She’s my oldest friend. I needed someone to talk to, Will. She promised she wouldn’t, and I really didn’t think she’d—’

  ‘But what about the promise you made to me first?’ he cuts in. ‘The one where I specifically asked you to keep it all to yourself? Remember?’

  ‘Yes, of course I do.’

  ‘So then help me out here, Sal.’ He’s becoming angrier, and really shouting now. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him yell like this. It’s horrible. ‘What part of the system broke down? I mean, what the fuck were you thinking? Oh Jesus,’ he gasps, then falls silent for a moment. ‘You meant to tell Mel, didn’t you? Because you knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it to herself, and something like this would happen.’

  ‘No!’ I’m horrified. ‘Of course not!’

  ‘I know you’ve never liked Kelly, but until yesterday I had no idea how deep it ran. To accuse her of drugging you is insane enough, but to do something like this… You know this will destroy her brother and sister too, don’t you?’

  ‘I did not do this deliberately, Will, I swear to you. No, I don’t like Kelly, but I would never, ever do something so underhand – or betray you. You must know that, surely?’

  ‘I can’t talk to you right now, Sal. I’m sorry. I’m going to have to go.’

  ‘Will – wait!’ I plead.

  ‘No, Sally, I have to, or I’m going to say something I regret.’ And then he hangs up.

  I stare at my phone aghast. He’s never hung up on me, ever. I call him back immediately, but it goes straight to answerphone.

  ‘Please pick up; let me explain,’ I beg in my message. ‘I’ll hopefully talk to you in a bit.’ I click off, wait a few seconds, and then call again – but still no answer. Instead I type Kelly’s name into Google. The three most recent stories pop up, and I feel sick as I read:

  Heartbroken Kelly buys OWN ring!

  TV’s Kelly Harrington was spotted paying for her own engagement ring, only days before details surrounding her mother’s suspicious death emerge. We say, swap the man, not the ring, Kel!!!

  Devastated Kelly Harrington discovers mother’s suicide after father’s death

  Soap star Kelly Harrington was forced to confront her painful past, when her dying father revealed that…

  It’s off!

  Has Kelly Harrington changed her mind already? The TV beauty was seen returning her engagement ring at the weekend. The star – who tragically discovered that her mother, a dancer, took her own life when…

  Oh God. This is horrific. I text Mel instantly.

  Will is absolutely devastated at everything in the papers today. What have you done?

  As I wait for a response, I look at the message I’ve just sent and shift position uncomfortably. It’s like reading a message addressed to myself. Will’s right, I shouldn’t have told Mel. Of course I shouldn’t… I close my eyes. She didn’t do this because of what I said about wishing there was something I could do to get rid of Kelly? Surely? I wait a moment more, but nothing comes back from her – a guilty silence?

  ‘Sally!’ calls Mum sharply from downstairs. ‘Will you come here, please?’

  Will’s just told her then. I take a deep breath and go downstairs to face the music.

  ‘Right, that’s Will’s car now.’ Mum drops the curtain edge. ‘Come on, Chloe, darling, we need to go if we’re going to get that ice cream.’

  ‘Can’t I stay and say hello to Uncle Will?’ Chloe says reasonably.

  ‘We’ll see him when we come back,’ Mum says firmly. ‘He’s staying tonight so there’ll be plenty of time then.’ She turns to
me. ‘Try and make him see that you didn’t mean it to happen. That’s the bit that’s hurting him the most, I think. It’s half eleven now. We’ll be back in half an hour for lunch. Theo will be up by then, won’t he?’

  I nod.

  Mum pats my arm briefly, then reaches for Chloe’s hand. I wait in the sitting room and watch through the curtain as they both appear on the drive, talking briefly to Will, who nods stonily at something Mum says, overnight bag slung over his shoulder, but smiles down at Chloe as she tugs on his trouser leg, and then rests his hand on her head for a moment. Somehow it makes me feel even worse that he’s making an effort to be kind and smiley with her, when it must be the last thing he feels like. Mum kisses him, then she and Chloe take their leave, and Will walks towards the house. I take a deep breath… and moments later, he’s there, right in front of me, standing in the sitting-room doorway.

  ‘Theo asleep?’ he says unsmilingly, letting the bag fall to the floor.

  I nod. ‘Mum told me what Kelly said to you. I’m so sorry that she’s taken this so badly, Will, and asked you to leave.’

  ‘Are you? I thought you’d be delighted.’ He flops down on the sofa and looks up at me. ‘Isn’t this part of what you’ve been working towards, us splitting up?’

  ‘No.’ I look at him, confused. ‘And certainly not the way you make it sound, like I’m on some sort of crazed vendetta.’

  He doesn’t break his gaze. ‘I’m giving Kelly the space she asked for. She’s not thrown me out, she knows it’s technically my flat, but yes, she wants to think everything through. At the moment she can’t see that we have a future.’ He waits for that to sink in. ‘She’s furious that I told you about her mother, devastated on behalf of her brother and sister that it’s all come out like this, and just in pieces, really. I specifically asked you not to tell anyone, Sally. This has all happened because of you.’