Avoiding Responsibility

by craziebabe45

  Ramsey began for her. "Look I know we're not together," he said closing off their exit and walking forward towards her. He ran his hands back through his honey blonde hair and scratched the back of his head as if in thought.

  "I know that we have a lot of things to work out. I know that you're pretty pissed off at me. I just…I can't…I just don't understand. I just can't begin to fathom your reasoning." His words came out rushed and babbling and Lexi was struck with her first meeting with him when he hadn't been able to shut up. It made her want to smile, but not at this moment.

  "I just…look there's no other way around it…excuse my way of asking this, but what the fuck were you doing?" he asked unable to keep his ever-present cool.

  Lexi's mouth popped open at the statement. "Nothing," she piped up after a second of hesitation, devastation evident in her features.

  "Nothing? You're going to try and come back with nothing?" he asked his eyes narrowing dangerously. If he had looked angry before it was nothing in comparison to the fire in him at her plea of innocence.

  "Really Ramsey, we weren't doing anything," she squeaked gulping down hard.

  He took a deep breath clearly trying not to just snap at her. "You left the party. When I got back from helping my sister at my father's request…no, demand you were just gone. When I asked around the only response I got was that you had left with Jack. That they had seen you take a walk together. That you were…" he took another calming breath but couldn't keep the bite out of his voice, "with Jack…alone."

  Lexi couldn't find a response. All of that was true. She could hardly deny the facts that she had been an idiot and left with him.

  "I don't know why you came here," he said gesturing to the weeping willow. "I don't even know how he knows about this place."

  It was evident that this locale had more significance than Ramsey was letting on. She didn't know nor, at this moment, did she want to know what was special about where she was standing. All she could think about was the anger that he was directing towards her.

  "Regardless," he grumbled leaning in closer to her, "Then I find you two together, against each other…holding each other. I just…I don't understand why you would…for Christ's sake, you even look guilty," he rushed out.

  Lexi took a healing breath in hopes of calming her heart which was slamming around in her chest. "I know. I know," she muttered quickly. "That's probably because I feel guilty for being alone with him."

  She couldn't deny that. She hadn't wanted to go for a walk with him in the first place. She knew the dangers. Yet, she had agree in the end anyway. Whether her intentions were clear didn't matter, because she had gone ahead and followed him to this place. She had stayed despite his advances, despite the gnawing feeling that everything that was happening was a terrible mistake. Sure they had resisted each other, but to what extent. He still had enough power and control to get her to leave with him, walk with him, follow him to the ends of the earth. She wanted to hit herself for being so stupid.

  "Then why did you do it? Why do you get suckered in by him?" he begged the question storming past her and sitting on the now empty bench.

  "I don't know," she cried throwing her arms up in the air. It was a question she had always asked herself. A question anyone that knew her at all asked her. Jack was a douche, to put it plainly. He was the bane of her existence. He didn't deserve one second of her precious time.

  She knew that.

  Of course she knew that. If anyone knew what kind of pull Jack had on her, it was Lexi. She hated it more than anyone in this moment. It was the whole reason she had left Atlanta a year ago. She had to get away from him…to try and leave him behind. But that didn't just kill her affection for him. She didn't stop desiring him because of it. They had a connection, a chemistry that she had no idea how to explain to the outside world.

  When they were apart she could feel all her thoughts of Jack slowly drain out of her. She didn't want him, not at all. She knew he was all wrong for her and that she would be better off focusing her attention elsewhere…preferably on the hunk of a man sitting in front of her. When they were apart, she could clearly delineate her desire and past love for the man from the hatred and sickening feeling she got when she thought about the fact that he was marrying another woman.

  But when they were together, it wasn't so simple. Their train wreck of a relationship had been dysfunctional, but in a strange way it had worked for them. Not in a healthy, lovey-dovey relationship kind of way, but still…it had sort of worked.

  Yet, she couldn't explain that to Ramsey. How could he possibly understand that? Even with knowing so much about her relationship with Jack, he couldn't ever really understand.

  "I don't know how to explain," she finally muttered quietly.

  "Well could you just try, because I'm at a loss."

  "It's not as if you've been saintly," Lexi grumbled walking in a disgruntled circle. She hated going on the defensive in this situation, but she couldn't help it.

  "I'm not saying I have been, and I'd apologize a thousand times over if you'd just let me, but that's neither here nor there." Lexi rolled her eyes but didn't deny his logic. "Please try to explain Jack to me."

  "He's just…I don't know," she started again chewing on her bottom lip and forcefully pushing some hair behind her ear. "You don't want to hear me talk about him." She glanced back towards him briefly and saw that he was eyeing her very closely, but turned back away quickly.

  "No really I do. I just can't fathom why you would be so stupid as to come out here with him," he stated the matter simply. "You know that only leads to things you'll regret." He didn't have to say that she knew better, but she heard it anyway.

  Now, Lexi turned and openly stared at him. "You're the one who dragged me out here. You're the one who insisted I come to this wedding. I haven't seen Jack more than a handful of times in a year and certainly not long enough to have a conversation with him…" she began not able to keep her defensive nature down.

  "Because you refused to see him," he cried interrupting her.

  "Of course I did!" she shot back throwing her arms in the air. "Do you think I don't know what kind of effect he has on me?"

  "If you know, then why go near him?" he questioned her. He sounded genuinely curious, but she could hear more. His breathing was shallow, and he was getting worked up.

  "I had no plans of going near him. The last thing I wanted was to go to this wedding. You knew that and yet you asked me to go anyway," she said feeling like an idiot as soon as the words slipped out of her mouth.

  "Are you trying to blame this on me?" he asked jumping down her throat at the first chance. "Because I'm pretty sure you refused to go to this wedding with me. Then Jack swoops in and invites you, and suddenly you change your story. There's really something fucked up about that Lexi."

  Lexi mouth fell open. "So there it is," she grumbled. "Just laying it all out there for me."

  "You can't seriously deny that it's messed up," he implored trying to reason with her. Lexi crossed her arms refusing to give a response. "Fine, refuse to deny it. That's fine. Just I don't know try and explain Jack to me. Even though I'm in the man's wedding, I don't see the appeal."

  "Ramsey," she muttered sighing heavily. "You don't want to hear this." She turned away from him not wanting to meet his eyes.

  "Please, just help me understand," he said grabbing her by the waist and swinging her back around to face him.

  Lexi puffed out the breath she was holding unsure of how to proceed with the conversation. She couldn't actually believe that he wanted to know what she felt for Jack…or didn't feel. She could hardly explain it to herself let alone him. And anyway, all it would accomplish was to hurt him.

  Staring up into his emerald green eyes, she tried to think about Jack in a way that she could possibly explain to the man standing before her. They both had avoided the subject on numerous occasions, but now it was all catching up with her.

  "He just…I don't know Ramsey, you
really want me to talk about this?" she asked glancing anxiously around the enclosure. She was desperately trying to get out of this conversation. She figured if she kept asking then maybe he would change his mind.

  "Please," he begged. Maybe not.

  "Jack and I…" Lexi began hating the way the words fell from her mouth, "we've been through this kind of tug of war for…God, seven years now," she said still amazed at the length of time they had been playing this game. "We had this instant connection. Electric chemistry," she murmured trying not tell too much, but unable to lie about her and Jack. Lying to Ramsey did no good in this situation. She wanted to spare his feelings, but really she had tried to warn him. "It was like the sun only shined when we were together.

  "Like the world fell away and it was just the two of us," she murmured softly trying to keep the adoration out of her voice, but finding it increasingly difficult. She could remember the way Chyna claimed she looked when she talked about Jack…dreamy-eyed and seductive. She hoped she didn't look like that now… "We have such a long history that when I look into his eyes that's all I can see. I forget the stupidity of what we've done and who could get hurt. I just remember the man who loved me once," she muttered softly her heart hurting at the admission. "It's like a moth to a flame."

  "So what are we?" Ramsey asked finally after she had paused.

  "It's not like that."

  "Like what?" he asked genuinely curious.

  "It's not you or him." She hated herself for admitting the feeling that she had been having for a long time.

  Ramsey's eyes stormed over once more at the statement. "No, Lexi it really is me or him."

  "That's not what I meant," she said backtracking, "I just mean that…you didn't replace him."

  "What?" Ramsey snapped becoming angrier with every statement.

  "Oh God," Lexi cried sitting down heavily on the bench and burying her head in her hands. "I don't mean it like that either. Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me?" she whispered.

  Ramsey was struck with emotion at the mention of her loving him. It was the first time she had used the word since she had left. "Of course," he said matching her tone.

  "I kind of realized it then," she murmured pulling back to look into his curious eyes.

  "Realized what?"

  "That thinking of you as replacing Jack would just be a disservice to you."

  Ramsey stared at her stunned. He wasn't sure he was comprehending her correctly. "A disservice?" he asked wanting to be clear.

  Lexi sighed and brushed a loose lock of hair behind her ear before continuing. "You occupy a new place in my heart… a place I wanted only you to touch."

  Ramsey smiled, truly smiled for the first time since he had brushed aside the weeping willow branches. Sitting down beside her on the park bench, he took in her beauty. She clearly looked torn, but beneath that she was just as gorgeous as the first time he had seen her. "This can't happen again," he said his tone determined even though he was weakened by her admission.

  Lexi turned away from his demanding eyes. She knew first hand it couldn't happen again. Jack was going to be married by the end of the week, and she would be in attendance. But besides being alone with the groom, she hadn't actually done anything wrong. And she hated being reprimanded…for anything. "Don't tell me what to do Ramsey. I know what I need to do."

  Ramsey sighed hating that he had started another argument with her. "What's that? What do you need to do?"

  "I just need to get through this week…this wedding," she added leaning back against the bench and staring straight forward.

  "What happens after that week?" he asked hoping just by chance that she would answer him the way he desired. Instead, she just shrugged. She couldn't commit to anything. There was too much to think about before she could begin to answer that question.

  "You know how I feel about you, and all my concerns for you and your future," he said grasping her chin and turning it back towards him. "You know I want to be a part of that future."

  "Yeah well you should have thought about that," she murmured hating herself for bringing up her own insecurities when she was most weak. "You should have thought about that the past couple months." She pulled her chin out from his grasp.

  Ramsey sighed heavily letting his hand drop to his lap. "Look I don't want to fight with you. You're right, I asked you to come down here. I messed up. And yeah, I kind of expected you and Jack to need…a moment," he said, the last words with a grating edge like nails on a chalkboard. "But I just can't get over the fact that we've only been here an hour and I just told you the man is having doubts. Can you not cut me some slack here Lexi? I'm really trying."

  "So I've heard," she grumbled.

  "What's that supposed to mean?"

  "I've just heard from everyone about how much you're trying," she murmured. She hadn't meant to bring it up. She really hadn't, but she had heard about him trying a bit too much recently. She wanted to know what was going on.

  "I don't know what anyone else has said, but yes Lexi I am trying. It's no secret that I want you back," he said running his hand up her bare arm, up across her shoulder, and trailing through her thick brown hair.

  As he began to massage her neck, she let the anger drain out of her. The only reason she had asked about any of this was because she had gotten caught. Everything that had happened with Jack was her fault. Ramsey wasn't exactly off the hook for what had gone on with them before, but she couldn't blame him for her mistakes. She deserved to get reprimanded. She didn't deserve a neck massage after acting like an idiot that was for sure. She hated herself for making him feel bad after all of this.

  "Look I'm sorry," she murmured softly turning into his shoulder and wrapping her arms around his neck. He pulled her across the bench and onto his lap holding her tight. "I…we have a lot to talk about, but right now isn't the time or place. I shouldn't have…"

  "It's okay," he said bringing his lips gently down onto hers. "We'll work it out."

  Lexi had never really thought that Ramsey had such a strong pull on her emotionally…not like Jack. Their relationship had been so different than anything she had experienced with him that she had always separated the emotions she felt for the two men. Her and Ramsey always acted together…as equals. Their relationship developed slowly over time and she had been careful to guard her heart. Then when she had finally given it freely, he managed to hurt her anyway.

  And still she couldn't deny her feelings for him…just like with Jack. She spent close to a year of her life with him in an uninhibited relationship. In a relationship that she truly thought was going somewhere.

  She knew in time they would need to discuss what had happened, but she wasn't ready for that moment yet. She was still too angry…too bitter. But she wasn't sure if she was ready to get rid of it all. They just needed time.

  "Are you alright to go back up there?" Ramsey asked standing and planting her lightly back on her feet.

  Lexi nodded as she brushed off her dress where it had wrinkled from sitting in his lap. She swished all of her hair over one shoulder to try and catch a breeze on the back of her neck. This wasn't the first time she had forgotten how unbearably hot Georgia summer afternoons are.

  Ramsey swept aside the branches of the willow and the oppressive heat hit Lexi full force as she exited back onto the trail that led to the party. Their anger subsided for the moment, the two walked side by side towards his parents. Lexi contemplated reaching for his hand, but let it stay at her side. No need to give more complicated signs than she was already giving.

  The scene before them was as if nothing had happened. Jack was standing at Bekah's side smiling into her enamored face. Three women stood beside her, and Lexi was pretty sure she knew who they were. She remembered the last time she had been in proximity to Bekah's best friends, the Fearsome Four, as Ramsey had called them. She had nearly been sick listening to them talking in the 755 Club. It wasn't exactly a fond memory, and she wasn't looking forward to se
eing them again.

  As they approached, a glass of lemonade was thrust in each of their hands, and they were shuffled closer to the bride and groom. The closer they got, the louder Ramsey's father's voice rang in the afternoon air. It was clear he was making a toast.

  "To honor my beautiful daughter…"

  Lexi half-listened to the speech as her eyes moved back to Bekah's friends. They all had shining blonde hair in various stages of bleach. She wasn't certain if any of them were natural. Or perhaps they had been at one point, but they had now died their hair so often they couldn't remember if the shade was sandy or honey…or anything other than manufactured color that Lexi felt she needed sunglasses to even look at.

  "and my soon-to-be son-in-law…"

  The tallest one was easily the prettiest of the three. As much as Lexi hated admitting it, she didn't have Bekah's natural good looks and poise, but she was stunning in her own right. She couldn't place names with any of them since she had never been officially introduced. All that rang through in her mind was a terrible southern drawl talking about fucking in the middle of a crowded party where anyone could hear her…and Bekah encouraging her.

  "I know that through their love…"

  The thought turned her stomach as if she were still standing in the club hearing the words as she eavesdropped on their conversation. She assumed that the pretty one was the bitch with the drawl. Beauty and money tend to bring about a sense of self-righteousness. Not to mention the damn girl was wearing cowboy boots with her yellow sundress…a style Lexi still hadn't come to grips with.

  "and devotion to one another…"

  Lexi tried not to snort at the last statement as he eyes shifted to the one standing in the middle. She was a tiny little thing with a button nose and calculating, round, baby blue eyes. Unlike the other girls, her dress was loose fitting, and extremely conservative…even for a country club. Her demeanor oozed prude. If she hadn't been hanging around Bekah, Lexi would have thought she would be better placed in a church.