Shelter

by Ashley John

“Karma?”

  “Flu.”

  It was messier than he expected, which made him think that she had cancelled the maid for the day. There was no evidence of her working from home, like the receptionist had said. A mug of half-finished soup sat on the coffee table, surrounded by tissues and pill bottles.

  Clutching her robe together, she stared at Elias through her puffy eyes and he couldn’t decide what that look in her eyes was. Had she been expecting him, or was she shocked that he would dare turn up at her apartment without calling ahead.

  “Why would you do this?”

  “Do what?” she pulled her robe tighter.

  “This,” he jabbed Caden’s photograph, “ruin somebody’s life.”

  Her red eyes flicked to the picture for a second but they didn’t hold. Shrugging, her brows tilted innocently and she headed into her open planned kitchen to fill the kettle. She sliced a lemon wedge in half and added it with honey to a glass mug. She didn’t offer to make her son a drink.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she mumbled as she poured in the boiling water, “I haven’t had a chance to read the morning paper. Anything interesting in there?”

  There was a hint of amusement in her voice. She knew that Elias wasn’t stupid and her denial was all part of the game. Why does she love games so fucking much?

  “You know what’s in here,” he slammed the paper on the coffee table, knocking over the soup bowl with a clatter, “you got your minions at the news desk to print this phony article about Caden. I didn’t think even you would stoop this low.”

  “Phony?” her dry laugh was followed by a cough, “Tell me that article isn’t true.”

  “So you have read it?”

  “I can guess,” she turned with the boiling water cupped in her hands.

  She took a deep sip, seemingly unaffected by the rising steam hitting her in the face. It just reminded him that she was empty and made of iron. Where her heart should be, a lonely slab of crumbling coal swung from a piece of fraying string.

  “You’ve ruined a life.”

  “He did it to himself. I didn’t force him to have sex with a rehab patient under his care.”

  “This isn’t about him, is it? This is about me. You did this to get to me.”

  Placing the mug on the kitchen counter, she walked over to the couch where she sat down slowly and crossed her legs. Even though she was clearly trying to cling onto her power, she looked vulnerable and frail. She looked human. Elias had never seen her as a real person before but the mask had slipped away and he was seeing the woman. He still didn’t like what he saw.

  “Why would I want to do that?” she arched a brow.

  “Because you hate that I’m moving on with my life? You hate that I’m finally clean and you hate that I’ve found somebody I actually love, but you wouldn’t know what that’s like, would you? You’ve always been alone and bitter.”

  Her lips pursed and her gaze darkened, as though attempting to send him crashing through the glass to fall to the ground below.

  “Your father was a weak man. Just like you. I was better off without him.”

  Elias couldn’t believe how coldly and bitterly she was talking about his dead father, her dead husband. All Elias knew of him was the one picture his grandmother had shown him as a kid. He tried to think back to that picture but it was a blur.

  “I know I’m weak,” Elias shrugged, “do you know that you’re evil?”

  “You’ve never respected me.”

  “It’s a two way street.”

  “You need to earn my respect. I’m your mother. It should be given.”

  “Just like love should be given to a child, you mean? What about Ellie? How did she gain your respect? By being a submissive angel with a perfect GPA and a matching haircut?”

  Judy rolled her eyes and let out a deep sigh. She had never had any interest in listening to her son. She was blind to her own faults. At least I faced mine.

  “I should respect you?” she stood up slowly and floated over to him, her robe getting caught up in an invisible wind, “My son, the drug addict, and now this. You’re suddenly gay and hooking up with your support worker. Why do you have it in for me? It’s one scandal after another with you.”

  She was in his face, so close that he could smell the lemon on her hot breath. He wanted to back away but he didn’t have the power.

  “I’ve always been this way but you were hardly a person I could talk to about it.”

  “I’m your mother, not your friend.”

  “And never shall the two meet? You don’t even like me, do you?”

  “I don’t like what you keep doing to me.”

  “What do I keep doing to you?” he laughed, “All I’ve ever tried to do is get as far away from you as possible but you won’t let that happen. You throw me in rehab every chance you get. You do stuff like this to somebody I love. You don’t even like that me and Ellie are friends. Why? What have I ever done to you?”

  “You could ruin everything,” she hissed, “you’re trouble and you have been since the day you were born.”

  “This is all because I was a problem baby? Did I have horns, or maybe a six-six-six burned into my forehead? Tell me? What have I done that’s so bad?”

  “Everything!” she cried, “Your behavior, your grades, your attitude, the drugs and now this! You’re the thing people crave to talk about. If any of this ever got out, I’d be out of office in seconds. People would look to me like you’re my fault, like I didn’t raise you right. They’d question me. They’d look at you and they’d pity you but you know what you’re doing. Why can’t you just be normal?”

  “Be more like you, you mean?” Elias finally found the strength to take a step back, “I’d rather end it all now. I’ve had my problems but I can sleep at night knowing that I’m not a bad person. You are rotten to the core and you can’t even see it.”

  Picking up the newspaper, he headed for the door before he truly blew up. He didn’t know what she could do if he hit another nerve but she would find something. I never predicted this.

  “You should be more grateful,” she spat after him.

  “Why? What have you ever done for me?”

  “Who paid for those rehab centers? They aren’t free. That apartment you are using for God knows what. I gave you all of that.”

  Elias paused at the door, clutching the newspaper close to his chest. Staring down at her plush cream carpet, he felt an overwhelming outpour of emotion. It wasn’t a feeling of being grateful; it was a feeling that she would never understand, no matter how many times he told her.

  “I never asked for any of that,” he whispered so quietly he wasn’t sure her hawk ears would pick it up, “I just wanted a mom who loved me.”

  He dropped the paper in the hall and retrieved the flowers from the elevator. He hurried through reception so fast that the guard couldn’t question why he was taking the flowers with him. After placing Brenda’s flowers back where he found them, he turned and looked up to her apartment.

  He hadn’t expected to see her, but there she was, staring down at him. As clear as day, he could see her eyes staring at him. No, they weren’t staring at him, they were staring through him. He wasn’t even sure that she was looking at him after all. From that distance, he couldn’t tell and it could have been a trick of the light, but she looked like she might be crying.

  She wouldn’t.

  “Pee into this cup,” Charlene muttered, “and sign this.”

  Charlene and Elias knew each other well, not that he would call them friends. He wasn’t sure Charlene was the type of woman who made friends easily. Her bedside manner was something to be desired and she treated her patients with enough tough love to straighten out the most crooked addict. It was there in her voice, that she expected him to fail the drug test. This time, it was different because the court was involved. If he failed this test, he would have to go before a judge to explain himself and it would likely end with him in prison.
Elias accepted the cup gladly, wanting it to be over as quickly as possible. He knew he was clean and now he could finally prove it to the rest of the world.

  “Anything to declare?” she stared down at him from across the desk.

  “Nope,” he smiled, scribbling his signature on the sheet of paper in front of him, “what’s today’s date?”

  “The twenty-second.”

  Of course it’s the twenty-second. With everything going on, he had almost forgotten that it was Kobi’s birthday. As he headed for the bathroom cubicle, he scanned the faces in the waiting room. Caden wasn’t there and Elias had expected him to be. Despite their big fight, this was an important day for Elias and they’d been looking forward to it together.

  He filled the cup and was immediately shown into an examination room by one of the doctor’s. He was new and seemed a little less jaded compared to Charlene, who had been at the rehab center as long as Elias had been showing his face in the corridors.

  “Everything is looking good,” the doctor unstrapped the heart rate monitor from Elias’ arm, “your blood pleasure is a little high but that’s to be expected.”

  After cramming a tiny light up Elias’ nose, he concluded that there was no sign of recent drug use, although signs that the septum was slightly damaged, which again, was to be expected. The urine sample was picked up, along with a cutting of Elias’ hair. He had never actually made it to this point in the program so he didn’t know what to expect. The nine weeks locked up was the easy part, it was the aftercare he had always fluffed. I wouldn’t be here without Caden, he should be here.

  “The results? Will they come in the mail?”

  “Oh, no. It’ll only take a couple of hours.”

  “That quick?”

  “That quick. It’s all changed,” the doctor smiled, “so, how are you feeling?”

  Elias lied and told him that everything was fine. He wished it were, because it had been. The newspaper had pushed a great wedge between him and Caden. They should have stuck together and faced the mayor as a team, so what had happened? Conversation with the doctor quickly turned to sports and Elias faked his way through a perky chat about baseball, nodding and smiling at the right points.

  “How long’s this going to be?” he asked Charlene again, tapping his fingers on the reception desk.

  “Is there somewhere better you need to be?”

  Elias checked the clock over the desk. It had been hours since his samples had been taken away and it was edging ever closer to three, which was when Kobi’s party started. He would make it in time, but there was somewhere else he wanted to be before that.

  The door opened and he jumped, turning around to see who it was. It wasn’t Caden and it was another stamp on his chest. Why did I tell him to leave? Why did I push him away when he needed me?

  “Did you hear about that guy in the paper?” Charlene whispered to one of her co-workers, “Everybody’s talking ‘bout it. Sissy said he worked with a guy from our place. They didn’t name it in the paper but we’re the only center close. It’s crazy, isn’t it? You never know who lives on your doorstep.”

  Oh, God. What have I done?

  “Mr. James? Elias James?” another new face in another white coat appeared through a door, clutching paper in her hands, “Will you come with me please?”

  She waited for Elias to walk over before she headed back through the door. They walked quickly down a long corridor, deep into a part of the rehab center he had never been to before. Or had he? Withdrawals were the worst. Coming off a drug you’re hooked on takes time, a lot of time. The days blur together and you don’t know your head from your ass for weeks because the drug is all you can think about. Those nine weeks had felt more like five minutes and even though he had faked his way through the last couple of weeks, pretending he was fine and fixed, he wasn’t. He came out ready to find a fix, so what changed? You suddenly developed a conscience.

  “In here,” the female doctor smiled, opening a door to a consultation room, “take a seat Mr. James.”

  “It’s just Elias,” his hands were deep in his pockets, picking at the fabric, “is this going to take long? It’s my nephew’s birthday party in an hour.”

  “How old is he?” she took a seat opposite him.

  It wasn’t like a usual consultation room. Her desk was pushed up against the wall, so their chairs were facing each other without the barrier of a computer. She crossed one leg over the other and latched her fingers over her knee. Elias didn’t think he would be going anywhere soon.

  “Seven,” he said, “do you have the results?”

  “I do,” a smile tickled the corners of her glossy lips, “it’s good news. There are no traces of any illegal substances in your blood. You passed with flying colors.”

  “Great. So can I go?”

  “Not so fast,” she laughed softly, “there are some things I’d like to talk to you about.”

  She was friendly, but in a different way to the male doctor he had seen earlier. A quick glance of her name badge told him that her name was Monica. Her hair was flame red and her face was pinched. He put her somewhere in her forties but she looked good for her age.

  “This is your fourth time at this center and the first time you’ve been ordered by the court to attend,” she started, “it’s also the first time you’ve turned up to give samples and it’s the first time on record of the treatment being successful.”

  “Awesome,” it already felt like old news, “why does this feel like I’m in trouble?”

  “You’re not,” her laugh was soft, “but it’s my job to give you advice for what happens next. I read your file, in the event that you passed or failed, so I’m familiar with your case. What changed?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well,” she plucked a file from a drawer in her desk and flicked through the pages, landing on a pink page, “the first time you were here, you completed the program but you were back here again a year later but you only stayed for four days. The third time, you got two weeks to the end and then you vanished and the fourth time, well, you had no choice after your overdose and arrest.”

  There was a choice, but the mayor had made sure this looked like the only choice. He wondered how he would have fared doing a couple of months in prison for drug possession. Maybe it would have been easier than what had happened?

  “I guess I just woke up,” he sat back in the chair, sensing that he wasn’t going anywhere fast, “I left wanting to score but my sister, she made me realize something.”

  “Ellie,” she nodded, “I know her. Were you at The Medical Ball last week?”

  Monica narrowed her eyes, a knowing smile on her lips as she recognized Elias.

  “Yeah.”

  “It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out,” she tilted her head, “everything in the paper. We only have three male patients in aftercare and you’re the only one young and attractive enough.”

  “Whatever you’ve read, it’s only half of the truth. Caden isn’t a bad guy like my mom wants you to believe.”

  “The mayor?” she furrowed her brow.

  “Nevermind.”

  “Your sister. How did she help you?”

  Ellie hadn’t set out to help him. She hadn’t even realized what she had said. She had been so angry, she had wanted to hurt him but it opened his eyes for the first time.

  “My nephew, Kobi, he looks up to me. It’s probably because he doesn’t know me, but she made me see that if I didn’t at least try, I’d never know if I was a good enough uncle for him, which is why I really need to get to his party.”

  “You will,” her smile was sweet, but she wasn’t going to hurry things along, “and Caden? Your support worker? Is he still in the picture?”

  “He was,” he knew he probably shouldn’t be admitting any of this to her, but what more damage could he do, “but I don’t know anymore. He was supposed to -,”

  Elias suddenly realized that this was the last place Caden would show his fac
e. Maybe he’s waiting for me to get out so we can meet up and talk?

  “I’m not judging,” she raised her hands gently, “no criminal charges have been pressed and nothing has been confirmed. That article was nothing more than gossip but I suspect he’s laying low for a while.”

  “Maybe. We had a fight. You want to know the reason I stayed sober? It was him.”

  Monica’s hazel eyes softened slightly, the romance warming her cheeks. She nodded for Elias to open up, to continue but he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

  “He was a distraction. Caden was something to focus on and I – I guess I fell in love.”

  “The world’s most powerful drug.”

  “You could say that,” he nodded, “but I think I messed it up. That stuff they said about him in the newspaper, it was my fault. I said the wrong things to the wrong people and this was my punishment. He’ll never speak to me again after this.”

  “I’ve been divorced twice but I’m still an old romantic at heart. People will talk no matter what you do. You may as well be happy with a guy you love.”

  Monica’s words made sense but it was idealistic. He could already feel the glow of what they’d had wearing off. Not because he felt any different about Caden, but because he was scared that they were kidding themselves. They were fragile and they didn’t know each other as well as they were acting like. He didn’t know what Caden’s favorite color was, nor did he know his favorite TV show. Could you really love somebody you’ve practically just met? His heart said so, but he had nothing to compare it to.

  “I’m going to recommend that you meet with a counselor,” she started typing on her computer, “I think it will really help you.”

  “Can we skip that?”

  “You may have climbed down from the tree, Mr. James,” she sent something to print, “but you’re not out of the woods yet. There’s still a long way to go. You’ve done brilliantly getting to this stage but you have a long road ahead of you.”

  “I’m not going to relapse, if that’s what you’re saying,” he was almost offended, “the reason I’ve never stayed clean is because I’ve never been off the stuff long enough to actually think about it.”