Watch Me Burn

by Nikki Drost

  The sad thing is out of the thousands of people I have known over the years, I have only admitted to loving three of them, my mother, my brother Micah, and Adam. That’s not to say that I don’t feel the same toward Cass and Lincoln, but I’ve never had the courage to say those words out loud.

  My thoughts drift back to my mate. The damn female has me so confused, I have no idea which way is up. Mind-blowing sex and pretty words hadn’t done much to persuade her to be with me. Neither did demands or bloodshed. Does she think I’d take a bullet for just anybody?

  Without warning, the treadmill makes a grinding noise causing the machine to come to a screeching halt. The action happened so fast I almost took a face plant, thank god for quick reflexes. I grab my towel and jump off the now smoking deathtrap.

  “So are you going to tell me what’s bothering you or would you like to destroy some more equipment first?” Cass jokes as he tosses me a bottle of water.

  I catch it one handed while giving him a look of warning. Of course, he ignores it and carries on with his annoying banter.

  “If you don’t spit it out, you’ll leave me no other choice but to go all Dr. Phil on your ass and I know how much you love it when I psychoanalyze you.”

  Dammit, Cass is the last person I can talk to about this, but I have to tell him something to get him off of my back.

  “I’m just pissed off about the shit that’s going on that’s all.”

  It’s not a complete lie. The thought of having to work with vampires wasn’t on my list of top ten things I wanted to experience in my lifetime.

  “No doubt about it, brother, we are all feeling the strain, but that’s not why you’re trying to run yourself into the ground.”

  “Jesus, Cass, I have tons of shit going on in my head and despite your self proclamation as our resident therapist, trust me when I say you lack the credentials to help me.”

  I toss my empty water bottle in the trashcan, and then change the song on my iPod. I need something angry with a good beat, it’ll help with the aggression I’m about to work out on the punching bag.

  “Fine, if you don’t want to tell me then I’ll figure it out on my own. Let me know if I get close. About two months ago, you found your mate, but instead of living happily ever after, you drowned your sorrows in booze and women while she avoided you at all costs. Then after watching your best friends tie the knot, the two of you snuck off together and from what I heard, had wild monkey sex until the sun came up. So to make a long story short, you want her, she wants you, and apparently you somehow did something last night that no amount of apologizing will get you out of. Instead of doing the right thing and groveling for forgiveness, you’ve decided to take your frustration out on your body. You’re also afraid that if you leave this house your self-destructive behavior will rear its ugly head and make the situation worse. How am I doing so far?”

  Fuck, fuck, fuck!

  “If you’re waiting for a cookie or something I hate to disappoint you, brother, but I ain’t carrying any treats with me.”

  The sound of Cass’s laughter only ticks me off further.

  “I don’t need a treat, the satisfaction of being right is enough for me.”

  I snort in response.

  “I take it that the bonding has kicked in and you’ve run into some equipment malfunctions, which is why you’ve turned to the colossal amounts of alcohol. I’m not sorry to say this, brother, but I’m glad your manwhore days are over. You can’t go through life dipping your magic stick into every random woman you meet. There are consequences to every action and one of these days karma would have caught up with you. Besides, I’m sure Kelsey will come around eventually.”

  “First of all, fuck karma, I’m always careful.” Except with Kelsey, a booming voice echoes inside my head. “Son of a bitch,” I groan.

  The wolf in my head continues to snicker in delight. I had been so consumed with lust that I hadn’t even thought about using protection. Dear god, how could I have been so irresponsible? I always wear condoms, always. But at the time, my only concern had been getting inside of my woman. Fucking hell, what am I going to do if she gets pregnant?

  “You were saying?” Cass prompts, his lips twist in amusement like he knows exactly how careless I had been.

  I push aside the fear that is threatening to overtake me. There is no point in worrying about it now the damage is already done. All I can do now is sit back and wait.

  “Right, secondly Kelsey couldn’t care less about who I’m screwing. I’ll be lucky if she doesn’t friend zone my ass after catching me with Gia. And as far as my magic stick is concerned if push comes to shove, I’ll find a way to reverse the bonding.”

  I grab my pack of smokes and quickly light one up. “And for your information, Casanova, I felt like shit being inside all of those random women. It was like a little piece of me died each time.”

  “Why the hell are the two of you making this more difficult than it needs to be? Don’t either of you realize how lucky you are to have found each other?”

  He’s right of course, but I still have no idea how to fix this cluster fuck of a situation. My earlier conversation with Landon plays in my head. After talking with him, I decided my best course of action would be to take Kelsey to dinner, then go somewhere private so we could talk. I had every intention of saying or doing anything to earn her forgiveness, even if that meant divulging my past. I had even considered saying those three little words that always seem to get stuck in my throat, man what a huge fuck up that would have been.

  “You’re not even listening anymore, are you?”

  I gaze into Cass’s eyes and see the hurt in their turquoise depths. Damn, maybe I should throw the poor wolf a bone.

  “Before I showed up at the bar last night I found Kelsey eating dinner with her family and Nathan Hayes. I was so pissed that she was there with him and not me. You can’t imagine how difficult it was for me to remain outside knowing that human male was close enough to touch her, to breathe in her scent.”

  I take a long drag from my smoke, letting the toxic mixture fill my lungs.

  “He’s a complete douchebag who doesn’t deserve a woman like Kelsey, but and damn I hate to admit this, but he’s undoubtedly the better choice. It’s not about money or material shit because I can certainly give her all of that, but when you place us side by side it’s almost a no brainer. Hayes puts criminals behind bars while I kill for a living. His hands are clean while mine have so much blood on them that sometimes I feel like I could drown in it.”

  I inhale another lungful of smoke before stubbing the butt out in a nearby ashtray.

  “Let’s not forget he’s highly educated, classy, and I’m sure some women find him to be attractive. Then there’s me, and yeah, I’m hot as hell and can fuck for days, and even though I can play a guitar like nobody’s business, that’s not enough reason to choose me over him.”

  “Are you done?” Cass sighs.

  “No, he can also offer her stability, a future without constant danger, and a family.”

  “Jesus, James, you’re selling yourself short. Nobody and I mean nobody is as fiercely loyal as you are. You’re a master when it comes to battle strategy. You think on your toes, your eye is always on the prize, and you have saved each and every one of us more times than I can count. Let’s not forget the millions of dollars worth of steel sitting in our driveway that you built with your bare hands. Do you think Mr. Ivy league could create something so beautiful? You are also generous, protective, and so goddamn fearless, and underneath the camouflage of ink lays a good heart. You care about others and always, always put them before yourself. If you ask me that lawyer isn’t half the man that you are.”

  “Thanks, brother, but you left out that I’m also a borderline alcoholic with homicidal tendencies.” I toss out the joke trying to lighten the mood. In all honesty, I had no idea Cass saw me that way.

  “I was trying to stick to your good points.” He chuckles playfully.

&n
bsp; I decide since I opened my mouth, I might as well tell Cass the rest.

  “I planned on taking her to dinner tonight, then I was going to do a considerable amount of groveling and before you ask, I wasn’t going to attempt to get into her panties. I just wanted to spend some time with her because god fucking help me, I enjoy being around her.”

  I collapse on a nearby bench in defeat. “I was prepared to tell her everything, Cass, even the sick twisted shit that still keeps me up at night.”

  Cass eases his way onto the bench. “Jesus, James, what you said earlier was true, wasn’t it? I…I had no idea—I mean you have said your childhood was bad, but…”

  I remain silent as Cass fumbles with his words.

  “You know you can confide in me like you do Micah and Adam, right?”

  “No, Cass, I can’t. It’s not that I don’t trust you because hell if I didn’t, I would never let you have my back. It’s just Micah knows firsthand what went on because it was his life too, and Adam, well the bastard has a way of slipping under your radar. Before I knew what was happening, I had spilled my guts to him.”

  Cass and I share a small laugh.

  “Yeah, he does have a certain way of getting under your skin.” Cass’s expression turns wistful. “Do you remember how we met?”

  I chuckle to myself as I think back to that day more than a hundred and thirty years ago. It was 1880 and the three of us had spent two days trying to locate Cass in New York. We finally found him in the five-point neighborhood surrounded by Omegas. My first thought had been the angels must have made a mistake, despite his considerable size, Cass looked like a typical aristocrat not a warrior. Then I caught a glimpse of the deadly intent in his eyes and before any of us had a chance to react, Cass sprung into action. All I could do was stand there and watch in awe as this young kid kicked the ever-loving shit out of five cougars. Once the fight was over Cass had acknowledged us with a smile so bright it could have lit up the city.

  “I was so impressed with you I hadn’t known whether to shake your hand or bow at your feet.”

  Cass gives me one of his dimpled smiles. “I’m going to tell you something that might surprise you.” He takes a cleansing breath and continues. “I know you all assume that I had a normal upbringing and compared to yours I probably did. My father…well let’s just say he was a difficult man to live with. Rene Bouchard expected perfection from everyone of his children and if you disappointed him, he had no problem letting you know it. I don’t know if he was harder on me because I was his only son or because I was just different. Either way I disappointed him a lot. Do you want to know what he said to me when I told him I was going to become an Enforcer?”

  I nod my head for him to continue.

  “He told me that no son of his was going to waste his life doing something so deplorable. He gave me a choice between my family, or some silly obligation. When I gave him my answer, he told me I was dead to him, and then erased my existence from the family. I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to my mother or my four sisters. Hell, Hero was just a baby when I left. She probably grew up never knowing she even has a brother.”

  Cass runs his large hand through his short golden hair. “My father may not have hit me, but believe me there are other ways to hurt your young. I grew up feeling unloved and worthless. My dad always looked at me with such disappointment and disdain. No matter what I did to please him, it was never good enough. I didn’t fit in with my family or high society, and then I met you, Micah and Adam. It was like finding the missing pieces to a puzzle. All of you just accepted me for who I was. For the first time in my life, I felt a sense of family, a sense of brotherhood. Because of the three of you, I finally felt whole. Adopting Linc into our little pack was an added bonus.”

  We both chuckle because it’s the truth. That bear cub is the glue that holds us all together.

  “I never thanked you for being my friend and my brother. Thank you, James, I know no matter where I am or what I do, you will always have my back. I love you, brother.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat as Cass’s humbling words wash over me. I had no idea he had gone through something like that, I had always assumed he was his family’s golden boy. I’m blown away by the fact that despite everything he’s been through he has always showed us how he felt, he’s never hidden behind his pain or let it ruin his life. If Cass can trust me enough with something so painful, maybe I can do the same. There is only one way to find out.

  “I told you that my father hit me, but that was just the tip of the iceberg.”

  Cass sits in silence as I relive the events of my childhood, starting with the violent way I was conceived. During the five years that I lived with my father, I had been forced to witness countless rapes, torture, and executions. I keep my eyes averted toward the floor as I describe the detailed forms of punishments me and the other pups used to receive, I even admitted to the sexual abuse that started when I was five years old. My father never touched any of us in that way, but he had an army full of men who didn’t have a problem holding a child down and forcing them to do unimaginable things. Which of course explains my endless need to screw random women, I had to prove to myself that even though I had been violated I was still in fact a man.

  I had to clear my throat several times, as I explained to Cass what would happen when girls were born. My father had no use for daughters, so from the moment they drew their first breath he’d kill them and usually in front of the mothers. Granted, not all of the males followed suit most would keep their daughters and sell them or use them for slaves.

  “Micah had found me a few days shy of my tenth birthday. For two weeks I had been confined to a cage, it was my punishment for stealing food from the soldiers and giving it to some of the younger pups.”

  When Micah had entered the dungeon, I had mistakenly believed him to be my father and assumed he had come to finish me off, but then I noticed his eyes. They were blue instead of brown. I was so malnourished and dehydrated that I couldn’t lift my arms to defend myself.

  “Even after Mike saved me, it took me a year to speak to him. It was two years before I stopped flinching every time he made a sudden movement and more than five before I felt comfortable enough to allow anyone except my brother or Michael to touch me.”

  I bury my head in my hands as I try desperately to dispel the images in my head. “Now do you see why I am so fucked up? Do you finally understand why I can never become a father?”

  I take a deep breath and suddenly I feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Maybe Landon was right, holding all of this shit inside isn’t healthy. The sound of a low growl erupts from the man beside me. I turn my head expecting to see pity. Instead, I’m met with Cobalt eyes that are radiating pure unadulterated fury.

  “That sick motherfucker!” Cass shouts as he jumps to his feet. “I swear on my life if that son of a bitch wasn’t already dead, I would track him down and kill him with my bare hands.”

  “You’re mad?” I ask skeptically.

  Cass stops in his tracks. “Mad? Oh no, I’m not mad, I’m fucking outraged. No child should have to endure that type of hell. God, it all makes sense now. Your lack of trust, why you shut down emotionally,” Cass abruptly halts in his tracks, “I understand your fear of fatherhood, I really do, James, but you are in no way like that monster. Do you hear me? You are nothing like him,” he growls through clinched teeth.

  I open my mouth to dispute Cass’s affirmation of my character, but decide against it. He’s already started up with the pacing again, except now he’s also cursing my father in French.

  Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this reaction at all. Where are the tears, the sobs, and the pitiful looks? I rub the back of my neck to release the buildup of tension, I need to ask Cass a question, but I’m actually anxious to hear his answer.

  “Cass, do you— I mean are we…” Shit, I can’t even say it.

  One of the reasons why I’ve kept my past a secret is because I don’t
want to be treated differently. Suddenly I’m lifted out of my seat, arms of steel wrap around my torso squeezing the air from my lungs.

  “We’re good, brother, we’re good.”

  Thank fuck, I couldn’t take it if Cass never looked me in the eye again. A shuffling sound catches my attention. I turn to see Lincoln standing in the doorway. Damn, I hadn’t considered that others would overhear my story.

  “Can I have a minute alone with him, Cass?”

  The man in question stares into my eyes before nodding in agreement.

  “Cass? Thanks for letting me get that out.”

  He places his fist over his heart in a sign of love and respect and nods once again. Once the cub and I are alone, I’m pulled into a bear hug.

  “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have eavesdropped, but I couldn’t help it, Jamie.”

  Linc releases me from his death grip, but instead of stepping away from me, he grasps my shoulders with his massive hands and looks me dead in the eye.

  “There are so many things I’d like to say to you, but we can save them for another time. Just know that I love you, and you are still the same arrogant, stubborn, foul-mouthed dickhead that you were this morning. Nothing’s changed, brother.”

  I nod my head because I suddenly don’t trust my voice.

  “You let me know if there is anything I can do to help you with, Goldilocks. Okay?”

  The corners of my mouth lift into a smile at Linc’s nickname for my mate. “Thanks, baby bear.”

  The Kodiak tosses his head back in laugher. “Hey, it’s cub to you, sparky. Only Kelsey gets to call me that ridiculous nickname.” Lincoln tosses that last part over his shoulder as he struts out of the room leaving me to my own devices.

  I debate whether to continue my workout or not when my aching muscles begin to scream in protest. With that decided, I gather my things and head up to my room for a shower.