Watch Me Burn

by Nikki Drost

Huh, I do the same thing when I’m stressed.

  “You don’t understand,” he snaps, “Michael was right about everything! My father never wanted me and he forced my mother to make a choice, one he apparently regretted only after it was too late. My dad was so angry with my mother for giving me away that he ended up going out and getting himself killed in a drunken bar fight. When my mother heard about what had happened to him, it was too much for her to handle. She eventually fell into a catatonic state and was locked away in some medical facility in Europe.”

  Words have not yet been invented to describe the rage I feel at this particular moment. All of these innocent lives are going to be destroyed and for what, some goddamn prophecy? As if I didn’t have plenty of reasons against having children before hearing this tragic story, I definitely have more of them now. What if Kelsey and I did have a child and something happened to him? Would we end up like Alaric’s parents? The thought of Kelsey being locked in some hospital sends my wolf into a panic.

  “There isn’t anything that I can say to make this better for you, kid. I’m sorry just doesn’t seem to cut it, but I am. You didn’t deserve that, you’re a great kid and anyone would be lucky to have you as their son.”

  I bolt out of my seat and place my hands on the young boy’s shoulders. “The only consolation I can give you is there is still time to stop this from happening. I don’t care what it takes I will find a way to save all of you.”

  Without warning, Alaric throws his arms around me and lays his head against my chest. For a brief moment, I’m stunned by his show of affection, but I quickly snap myself out of it and hug him back. My nose brushes against his soft curls and even though I’ve been living with him for weeks now it still throws me off that he doesn’t have a distinctive scent. Everyone has one, but for some reason this kid only seems to smell like soap.

  “Thank you,” he says while dropping his arms and stepping out of my embrace. “I came here because I wanted to know what it felt like to have a family and now I know.”

  Jesus this kid has a way of tugging at my heartstrings.

  “You don’t have to share blood with someone to be a family, kid, no matter what happens, you’ll always have a home here. Remember that.”

  Alaric nods his head as he turns to leave. “You know,” he says as he stops in his tracks, “if Kelsey and you ever decide to have kids I think you’d make a really great dad.”

  With a lump in my throat, I stand frozen in place as the future prophet leaves me alone in the darkness.

  ***

  “I got your message and rushed right over, what’s going on? Did something happen?”

  Kelsey crawls onto my bed and lays her body on top of mine. Her slight weight barely even registers. I’ve been lying here in an emotional haze for hours now and the only cure I could think of was my mate.

  I hold her close as I breathe in her familiar scent. “I just needed to hold you, princess.”

  After my chat with the future prophet, I called a meeting and caught everyone up on Alaric’s future. To say my brothers were pissed would be an understatement. I even managed to get Micah on my side and all it took was telling him how the kids shifting abilities were taken from him. Witches had tried to do the same thing to our species hundreds of years ago, but thanks to my big brother, the coven had been eliminated. As far as we are concerned not being allowed to shift is tantamount to abuse.

  “My big bad wolf,” Kelsey sighs, “you don’t have to shoulder the burden of the world alone anymore. Let me carry some of the weight for you.”

  God, this woman never ceases to amaze me. I’m in constant awe of her inner strength and sheer will to push forward. She reminds me of a phoenix who rises from the ashes stronger than ever. No matter what obstacle comes our way we will defeat it together.

  The words flow from my lips as I absent-mindedly run my fingers through Kelsey’s long hair. “It’s this thing with, Alaric. You wouldn’t believe the fucked up shit that was done to him. And now every time I look at him all I can see is the scared little boy inside of him who just wants his mom and dad.”

  Kelsey pushes herself up until she is straddling my hips. “I think the frightened boy you see in him is you.”

  “Did you get your psychology degree when I wasn’t looking?” I scoff with a tinge of playfulness in my tone.

  “Don’t be a smart-ass,” she says with a smirk, “I’m not saying that Alaric hasn’t been through an ordeal, but isn’t it possible that you’re projecting your own childhood trauma onto this boy? Maybe your desire to save him stems from the fact that there was no one there to save your mom or you from your abusive father?”

  Jesus Christ, this is what I get for dating a woman with a high IQ.

  “Is that so, Dr. Freud? What would you suggest I do about my emotional transference?”

  She taps her manicured nail against her chin in thought. “I think you should make peace with your past, holding on to all of those horrible experiences isn’t going to change what happened to you. Just purge all of it from your system and move on.”

  If it were only that simple. “You say that, princess, because you have no idea what I went through. If you did, you would realize I can’t just let that shit go.”

  Trust me. If I could, I would have done it by now. I hate carrying around all of this pent up anger and years of painful memories.

  “So tell me,” she shrugs her shoulders, “get it all out in the open.”

  I heave a sigh of frustration as I quickly try to come up with a way out of this. Unfortunately, nothing comes to mind. I know I promised to tell her every twisted detail, but I figured I could do it over a period of time say like, a thousand years or so.

  “Come on, baby, we can’t make any good memories until you let go of the bad ones.”

  Seeing as how I’m now possibly on Michael’s hit list there may not be much time to make any memories at all. Hell, even if she is wrong about this, what do I have to lose? If the angel has it his way, I could be dead by the end of the week and none of this will matter anyway.

  With the decision made, I swallow the lump of fear that’s stuck in my throat and let the words flow out of me.

  “There isn’t one specific incident that stands out more than another, I could tell you a hundred different stories, all of them full of some form of physical or mental abuse. My father’s army was massive in size and each man more cruel than the next. There was never enough to go around so he literally made us fight for every scrap of food, every drop of water and if you didn’t win, going hungry was the least of your problems.”

  I reach for my pack of Marlboro’s and quickly light one up.

  “It wasn’t so much that my dad hit me because back then that shit was allowed. It wasn’t the constant hunger I felt or the daily beatings that still torments me. It was the five years worth of watching women get smacked around and raped because his men were bored. It was the five years worth of hurting or killing my own flesh and blood just so I could earn a couple bites of food. And even more than the torture or the overwhelming feeling of helplessness, it was the fact that each day I could feel a piece of my humanity slipping through my fingers. I realized that if I didn’t either die or escape I would one day turn into the very thing I hated most.”

  I take a drag off of my cigarette until the mixture of toxic smoke burns my lungs.

  “People have been debating the topic of nature verses nurture for years now because they believe it can only be one or the other, but in truth it takes both. My father was a raging fucking lunatic who spawned numerous children, some of them showed early signs of his murderous genes and some didn’t. Either way, the end result was the same, all of us became cold, unfeeling little bastards who reveled in the misery of others.”

  “I don’t believe that,” Kelsey says as she cups my cheek with her hand. “You had the same father as some of these boys, you lived through the same kind of hell they did, yet you’ve spent your life protecting others not destroying them.�
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  “Really, because the last time I checked, I kill people for a living. Becoming an Enforcer would have been my destiny regardless of who raised me. It hit me a while back that all of my victims were somebody’s son, brother, and for all I know someone’s father. I’ve never questioned who they were or why they turned Omega, the only thing that mattered was putting them down.”

  An image of Trenton and his sisters comes to mind. I could have easily killed him and gone on my merry fucking way, never knowing that he was forced into turning. His sisters would still be locked away in some cage being terrorized, and I never would have known it. The fact that this situation even happened at all has me questioning every kill I have ever made. Were they all guilty of their crimes or were some of them merely there by circumstance?

  “You can sugar coat it all you want, Kelsey, but at the end of the day I turned out exactly how my father had wanted me to. The only difference is I don’t go around slaughtering defenseless humans.”

  With one last drag off my smoke, I stub out the butt and admit the true reasons why I don’t want to become a father.

  “People think I don’t want kids because I’m afraid I’ll raise my hand to them and yeah, that’s a small part of it, but the truth is, even if I showered my kids with love and affection they would still be predisposed to violent behavior because they’d have my DNA coursing through their veins. No matter how hard I would try to shelter them from this life they would grow up in a world full of brutality and chaos, how can I be expected to teach them right from wrong when I would come home every night with fresh blood on my hands?”

  “They would know the difference, because they would have some of the best examples of honorable men your race has to offer looking after them. Look around you, Jamie, there is more to your world than your occupation. Any child that grows up in this house will know what unconditional love feels like, and as someone who didn’t have that, let me tell you, it’s a big deal. They would also see a group of men who, despite their violent occupations, have found a way to have normal lives.”

  “You think we’re normal?” I ask dryly. “Just wait until our annual prank week rolls around. You wouldn’t believe the shit we pull on each other.”

  Kelsey playfully smacks my chest. “Can you be serious here for a minute? All I’m trying to say is that our son or daughter would have amazing role models.”

  “Kelsey,” I sigh her name. “Even if you’re right I can’t take the risk. I’m sorry, princess, but I’m not going to change my mind on this, so if having kids is something you want then we have a serious problem.”

  I silently study my mate as she mulls over what I’ve just said. It’s obvious that it’s not what she wanted to hear, but she asked me for honesty and that’s what I promised to give her. It pains me to know that Kelsey will have to give up her chance to be a mother just to be with me. But before she decides to leave me, I might as well tell her the rest of my past.

  “There’s something else you need to know, princess.”

  Reveling this part of my childhood is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Instead of averting my gaze like I always do, I stare into my mates pale green eyes.

  “My father didn’t just use fear as a motivator, he liked to use pain as well. He had a dungeon chock full of all types of medieval torture devices, all his men needed was an imagination and a victim. Since my father felt that I needed to be toughened up, I was brought there more often than the others. My first time consisted of me being chained and suspended from the rafters so my tormentor could burn me with boiling oil. My body had been covered in blisters for a week, but considering all of his other options I actually got off easy.”

  “Oh my god.” Kelsey covers her mouth with her hand.

  Of course, if that happened to me today it wouldn’t do a damn thing but annoy the hell out of me, but at the time, it was excruciatingly painful.

  “I learned real quick that if I wanted to survive I couldn’t draw attention to myself. So I kept my mouth shut and did what I was told. I thought it was working, but after about a month, I came to the realization that it was already too late.”

  My emotions bubble to the surface like boiling water on a hot stove. Even after all of this time, I still feel a sense of weakness and an overwhelming amount of shame because I couldn’t stop the abuse from happening. Men are supposed to be stronger, less vulnerable and whether it’s right or wrong, when it comes to sex we are viewed as being in charge. So when a young boy is violated it contradicts our sense of masculinity.

  “My father’s right hand man was a Turkish werebear named Haluk and despite my efforts to remain invisible, he noticed me. One night he caught me giving some of my food to a young coyote. Of course, that sort of thing was against the rules so I knew my punishment would be severe. I had heard stories that Haluk was sadistic and if he was in a particularly foul mood, you wouldn’t be leaving the dungeon with all of your limbs intact.”

  That I could have been prepared for, since I had recently shifted for the first time I knew if I could handle the pain of having all of my bones broken all at once then I could deal with whatever the bear dished out.

  “Haluk didn’t take me to the dungeon that night, princess, he brought me into his bed-chamber and what he had in store for me had been a whole new form of torture. For the remainder of my time there I was his own personal plaything.”

  Pain fills my chest as I watch Kelsey struggle with her own emotions. Her eyes close as a single tear rolls down her cheek. This is what I was afraid of. When she looks at me now she won’t see the larger than life boyfriend, the badass werewolf that dominates in and out of the bedroom. Nope, from this moment on, all she’ll see when she looks at me is a man who was violated by another man.

  “I’m so s—”

  “Don’t,” I growl as I roll her off of my legs and jump to my feet. “I don’t want you to feel fucking sorry for me, Kelsey, and I sure as shit don’t need your damn pity.”

  I feel like I can’t breathe. Watching my mate, the woman I love more than life itself cry because she has lost all respect for me, well, it’s too fucking much for me to handle.

  “You know what?” She bounds off my bed and comes to stand before me. “You don’t have to worry because I don’t feel sorry for you. I do however feel sympathy toward the little boy that you used to be. He was surrounded by predators and had heinous things done to him, he was scared and all alone, and no child should ever have to feel that way. If I could hug him right now, I’d do it until my arms went numb.”

  She begins to pace the floor while furiously wiping away her tears. “Do you know what I see when I look at you? I see the Enforcer who selflessly puts his life in danger to save perfect strangers. I see the brother who always puts his sibling’s happiness above his own. I see the friend who goes out of his way to put a smile on everyone’s faces. I see the boyfriend who swears he isn’t romantic, yet he always does or says things to make me feel special. But most of all I see a man with so much compassion that he is willing to sacrifice his own life and go head to head with an army of angels so a young boy can have a chance to know his family.”

  “Kelsey—”

  “I’m not finished.” She comes to a standstill a foot or so away from me. “I see you, Jamie, all of you and the only thing better than being able to see who you truly are, is the feeling of admiration and pride I have for you in this moment. So no, you don’t have to worry about my pitying you, baby, because I’m too damn busy being in love with you.”

  Nothing could have prepared me for her revelation, not even in my wildest dreams could I have imagined she would respond in this way. I was sure she would treat me differently once she knew the truth, but I was wrong. She has found a way to love me in spite of my demons.

  “And I see all of you, princess. I see the loyalty you show to your friends and family. I see the fearlessness you have when confronted with a dangerous situation. But above all else, I see a strong determined wo
man who has chosen to stand by my side instead of standing behind me. These are just some of the reasons why I love you, Kelsey Collins, now say it again,” I growl as I cup her cheeks. I tilt her head back so I can stare into her dazzling green eyes.

  Tears continue to flow as her perfect lips turn up into a heart-stopping smile. “I love you, Jamie Trudeau, and nothing you can do or say will ever change that.”

  I lean down and devour her lips with my own. God damn I love this woman and it’s about time I show her how much.

  “So basically you’re saying that we’re stuck together,” I say as I walk her backwards toward my bed.

  “Like macaroni to construction paper.” She chuckles despite her tears. Kelsey takes a seat as I kneel between her legs.

  “Then there is something you should have.” I open my nightstand drawer and pull out the most important piece of jewelry I’ll ever buy. “I knew when I met you that you were going to be a challenge. You fought me at every turn and drove me to distraction with your sassy mouth and delicious curves. You’ve tested my patience, my will power, and my stamina. But you have also shown me a level of compassion and understanding that I didn’t think existed. I told you once that there was never any doubt that I’d catch you, but I was wrong, princess, the chase has just begun. I’m never going to be perfect, but I can promise you that I’ll spend the rest of my days trying to be worthy of your love.”

  With a flick of my thumb, the top of the box pops open. Kelsey gasps and covers her mouth with her hands. Her eyes widen as she studies the ring I chose for her.

  “Marry me, Kelsey.”

  “Are you asking me or telling me wolf?” she snort giggles.

  “Jesus, woman, nothing is ever simple with you.” I sigh heavily. Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. “Kelsey Collins, will you please put me out of my misery and say that you’ll be my wife?”

  “Not bad,” she smirks, “but this time—”

  “Kelsey,” I growl her name in warning.

  She hesitates in answering me as she wipes away the remainder of her tears. I instantly begin to panic that her answer is going to be a resounding hell no, but then she gives me one of her sweet smiles.