Graduation

by Jenn Burke

  Felix’s heart lurched in his chest. “Or I could have done it. I… did you know I wanted to?”

  Zed shook his head. The corners of his mouth had turned down and he looked sad. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me today?”

  “I haven’t been— ” A dark brow arched over a stern, steel-blue eye, and Felix swallowed the lie. “I haven’t been avoiding you all day. Just when…” He ducked his head. “Just when we were alone. Because I had something to tell you, and I knew it was going to change everything. Or maybe not.” One should hitched up in a shrug.

  Zed reached for one of his hands, enfolding it in a firm, but gentle grip. His thumb caressed Felix’s palm. “You can always talk to me, you know that.”

  “But what if I need to talk about you? Do you really want to hear how much I’m going to miss you? That I don’t know if I can be by myself after this. How many times I’ve imagined kissing you. How I feel in here.” He thumped his chest. “And it’s too late, Zed. I was afraid, and now I’ve left it too late. This kiss is all we’re ever going to have.”

  Flick’s dramatic proclamation rang with truth. Zed wanted to deny it, wanted to point out that the two years they’d spend in specialist training wasn’t forever— but that wouldn’t be fair to either of them, would it? Fuck, why hadn’t they talked about this days ago, when Flick had first started getting all quiet and un-Flick-like? Zed had known the impending separation was bothering him— he’d have to have been stupid not to see it— but he kind of thought excitement would eventually overwhelm the fear. Except he hadn’t known exactly why Flick had been scared, and now that he did…

  “It doesn’t have to be,” Zed murmured. “All that we ever have, I mean.”

  Something like a whimper escaped Flick’s throat. “Don’t. Just— don’t just say that.”

  “I’m not.” Zed nudged Flick’s chin to face him again. “Hey, Felix. When have I ever lied to you?”

  Flick grunted and shook his head.

  “Right, never. And I’m not now.”

  “I don’t want your pity— ”

  “This isn’t pity.” Zed blew out an exasperated breath. “It’s… I don’t know what it is, but it’s not pity. Maybe if we’d gone out dancing before, I would’ve figured it out, but someone doesn’t really like the clubs.” Immediately, Zed regretted his joking tone when Flick’s shoulders hunched a little more. He clasped a hand around Flick’s neck, rubbing. “Hey, no, I’m not… no blame, okay? I didn’t know. I didn’t know you wanted to kiss me and I didn’t know I wanted you to kiss me.”

  Flick peeked up at him through his unruly curls. “You never thought about it?”

  “No. Well… maybe.” Zed’s lips screwed up into something between a grimace and a smile. “In passing. I never really thought there was something there to figure out, you know? I like girls.”

  Flick snorted. “Yeah, Dawna made sure the whole school knew that.”

  “So, I figured… I don’t know what I figured.” That the passing thoughts he’d had about Flick’s mouth were an aberration? That the times he’d caught a glance of Flick’s ass or his chest and started feeling weird were a fluke? Sighing, he bent forward, cradling his head in his hands for a moment before looking sideways at Flick. “Do you like both?”

  “No, just…” Flick swallowed. “Just guys.”

  They really should have talked about this sooner. Zed had never really delved into his own sexuality. He’d kissed women. He’d had sex with a woman and he’d really enjoyed the act, if not the next morning. He thought that made it pretty fucking clear he was into women.

  But his dick wasn’t hard right now because he was thinking about a woman’s flowing curves. No… he was remembering how Flick smelled, how the slightest hint of stubble had rubbed against Zed’s cheeks, how his lips had felt soft yet firm and not as plump as others he’d kissed.

  Flick fidgeted. “Look, maybe we should just… you know, pretend this didn’t happen.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  The hesitation before the not-so-casual shrug told Zed way more than Flick’s words. “Yeah. Sure.”

  They could walk away. Zed could forget he’d kissed a man. It would be less confusing to just stick with one gender, right? Easier. But he knew— he knew— if they walked away now, like this, Flick’s words would come true. That one kiss would be all they would ever have. Maybe it would be a bump in their friendship, eventually laughed off. Maybe not. The idea of not seeing Flick again after specialist training… not acceptable.

  “That’s not what I want.” Zed lifted his head to meet Flick’s gaze. Flick’s eyes widened an instant before Zed cupped the back of his neck again and pulled him in for a kiss that was less tentative than their first two. Zed shuddered as their lips connected again, as though they completed a circuit. Gently, but with intent, he pushed Flick onto his back and leaned over him. The feel of Flick’s legs opening to cradle Zed between them was almost enough to blow his mind.

  So good. So fucking right.

  “This okay?” Zed pulled back to gaze down at Flick, noting how big and dark his hazel eyes seemed in the dim lighting. “I’m not hurting you, am I?”

  Flick shook his head vehemently and Zed thought that the answer would be the same even if he had a stunner in his hand. “No, it’s good. I…” Almost involuntarily, it seemed, Flick’s body arched and he pressed his groin against Zed’s.

  Fireworks. That was the only way Zed could describe it. He closed his eyes to shut out the sight of Flick’s mouth falling open, otherwise this was going to be done way too quickly. “G-God. You ever done this before?”

  Flick rubbed against him again. “No, but— ”

  Zed’s eyes snapped open. “Never? Kissing?”

  Flick’s gaze slid sideways.

  Shit. Shit. Zed lowered himself, snaking his arms under Flick to hold him in a full-body, way-more-than-friends hug. “I don’t really know what the fuck I’m doing here, but… do you want this?”

  “Yes.” Flick’s voice was shaky with need.

  Zed did too. The responsibility of being Flick’s first time humbled him, but now that it was here, a possibility, he was all-in. He wanted to make this good. He wanted Flick to know he was loved. But taking this step scared him, too. He remembered what he’d been like the morning after he’d slept with Dawna, all but convinced it meant they were supposed to be together. Here, now, he’d give his left nut to have the time with Flick to explore this for more than just one night— but asking Flick to wait or making promises based on just these few hours, or expecting to base something long-distance on feelings so newly uncovered…

  It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

  He drew in a shuddering breath. “Then here’s the deal. Tonight, I’m yours. I want to share this with you. I want to be your first.” Zed swallowed, feeling like acid was stripping the lining of his esophagus. “But not your only, Flick. Promise me.”

  Chapter Four

  Felix pushed Zed off him, which he wouldn’t have been able to do if Zed hadn’t been ready to go. Zed had always been bigger than him. Broader across the shoulders, taller. Just… more. Felix felt the loss immediately, as if he’d stepped out into a vacuum. Beneath his stupid fancy shirt and pants, his skin itched and tingled. His cock ached. He was so hard. Zed was too, and the memory of their erections bumping together made him want to moan.

  Felix rolled off the wide duct and stood. He couldn’t catch his breath. He couldn’t think. But Zed’s words rolled around and around in his head. Like the stars overhead, they wheeled when they should be fixed points. Not your only.

  It was stupid to feel the way he did. Zed was right here. They’d kissed. They could do more. But Zed didn’t want him in the same way.

  “Flick?” Zed formed a bulky shadow next to him.

  Felix could smell his skin, his sweat. Taste him on his lips and tongue. “This isn’t what I want,” he said, cringing at the lie. He craved Zed with obsessive need.

  Dippin
g his chin, Zed gave a short nod and it seemed that would be that. Tension continued to snap between them, but Felix knew if he moved forward, by even a step, the presence of Zed would capture him and he’d never pull free.

  And Zed didn’t want that.

  “This is Marnie’s fault,” Felix muttered, pulling out his wallet.

  Pacing toward the door, he tried pinging Marnie and got no answer. He couldn’t say he was surprised. But when he got to the door, he almost laughed. No padlock, but as the door opened outward, there was no handle on this side, and no panel. Nothing for him to hack, nothing for him to bash into submission. Nothing but him and Zed and the stars.

  God, he hated feeling trapped like this.

  Raising a fist, Felix pounded on the smooth metal. “Marnie? I know you’re there. Open the fucking door.” He tucked his wallet back into his pocket and attacked the door with two hands. “Marnie! This isn’t going to work. You’re just pissing me off.”

  A warm hand closed around his shoulder. Felix shrugged it off. Zed grabbed him again and Felix turned toward him, right fist cocked and ready.

  Zed ducked sideways. “Jesus.”

  “Just keep your hands off me.”

  Straightening, Zed held up both hands as he took a step back. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. ’Cause one minute you’re grinding against me, the next you’re taking a swing at me.”

  “I told you I didn’t want it. Can’t we leave it at that?”

  “No. Because you’re lying to me. Since when did you start lying to me, man?”

  Chest tightening, Felix looked up at the stars and wished he could just launch himself into the sky. Take off, disappear, or maybe cease to exist. He didn’t hear Zed step forward, but he felt him, and took a step back.

  “Flick, please. Let’s not end things like this. You’re my best friend. Always.”

  Felix met Zed’s questioning gaze. “What if I want to be more? Always.”

  Zed shook his head. “Why would you want that? You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Training, and then you’re going to travel the galaxy. With your skills, you’ll see the whole fleet. I can’t be the one to hold you back.”

  “You’ve never held me back. It’s because of you I’ve got this far. And I don’t know if I can…” Felix swallowed. “You’re going to have Emma and Marnie and Ryan are going to Mil-Int together and I’m going to be alone. By myself.” He took another step back. “I told Marnie this was a bad idea. You didn’t need to know any of this.”

  “I already knew most of it.”

  Felix shook his head. “You don’t know all of it.”

  “Then tell me.”

  He didn’t want to, but what did it matter? There would be no perfect time for his confession, and they were out of time to fix what he’d probably just broken. So why not throw the words out there? Maybe then Zed would feel it. Maybe he’d hurt. Or, just maybe, he’d pick them up and… carry them. Hold the words close until they could see each other again.

  Drawing on every mote of courage in his lean frame, Felix squared his shoulders and looked Zed square in the eye. “I love you.”

  Zed almost, almost replied with a casual “I love you, too,” because he did. He didn’t know exactly when he’d started loving Flick— sometime shortly after they’d met, probably— and he knew it wasn’t quite like what he felt for his two older brothers. But one look in Flick’s eyes told Zed that he was dead serious about this love thing. This wasn’t some declaration of brotherly fealty, but the real deal, the heart fully invested, the can’t-breathe-without-you sort of love.

  And he was telling Zed this now?

  “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?” Zed turned and kicked at nothing, needing to take out his frustration. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Flick deflate, as though Zed’s words had punctured something important. “Goddamn it, we talk about everything.”

  “Not that,” Flick said, his voice small.

  Zed blew out a breath, then agreed, “No, not that.” But they should have. He speared his fingers through his coiffed hair, which had already mostly been wrecked by the dancing, and tugged. It was a Flick gesture, one he’d picked up years ago. He tilted his head to look up at the stars, winking through the atmosphere as if they knew the answer to this problem but weren’t going to tell anyone.

  Flick loved him. Like that.

  Fuck.

  “I love you too, you know?” Zed sighed. “But I don’t know if… if it’s the same as what you feel. I mean, I feel better when you’re with me. I love spending time with you and sharing jokes and stories, watching a holo, whatever. But I just figured out that maybe guys turn me on just as much as girls.” And that was a revelation he would need to examine in way more detail, but not now. “So I don’t know. If we had more time…”

  A soft, sad chuckle left Flick’s lips. “Yeah, if we had more time.”

  Zed closed the distance between the two of them and carefully reached out to rest his hands on Flick’s shoulders, prepared to field another punch. The fight seemed to have abandoned his friend, though, leaving him smaller than moments ago.

  “What I meant before?” he said softly. “I don’t want you to not live your life because you’re waiting for something that might not happen. Okay? We’re probably not going to be able to do more than exchange the occasional jazer— ”

  “That would be enough!”

  Zed rubbed Flick’s shoulders. “No, it wouldn’t. And I know you, Felix Ingesson. You’d use those messages as an excuse to cordon yourself off and not even consider the possibilities around you.”

  “But— ”

  Whatever Flick was about to say was cut off by an explosion overhead. Zed whipped around to watch brightly colored sparkles cascade through the night sky, falling to earth like a hundred tiny meteorites. Crackles chased another boom, then another, and a holo played across the darkness.

  “Congratulations to the Shepard Academy Class of 2256,” Zed read, his voice quiet. He looked back at Flick, taking in the sight of his best friend’s features illuminated by red, then blue, then green, then red again.

  Beautiful.

  A sudden urge to trace the lines of Flick’s face with his fingertips threatened to overwhelm him, but Zed tamped it down. Why had he never really noticed how strong Flick’s face was before? In the years since they’d met, Flick had filled out— age and good food conspiring to strip the slim boyishness from his features. He’d never be the sort of guy that you’d expect to find on the front lines— not like Zed, who was built like a truck and only seemed to get wider with every passing year— but that was okay. Flick was a fix-it guy, someone who dwelled behind the scenes. His delicate fingers were magic.

  “C’mon. Sit with me.” Zed pulled at one of Flick’s shoulders, then released his grip. “We don’t have to talk anymore, if you don’t want to.” Truthfully, it didn’t matter if they spent the rest of the night in silence. Zed just wanted to be here, with Flick, whatever the night brought, because damned if he knew when they’d have a chance to do this again. If they ever did. “Might as well enjoy the show, right?”

  Flick glanced at the sealed door, then nodded, his body language transmitting his reluctance with every movement. Zed held back a sigh. Maybe he should just kiss Flick again— stir the flames of horniness so high they forgot everything else. It was tempting, so bloody tempting, but Flick had made it pretty clear he wanted everything or nothing at all.

  Zed wished he could give him everything. If they only had more time…

  He sat heavily on the duct and leaned back on his hands to watch the lightshow overhead. Flick settled beside him, close enough that Zed could just barely feel the heat radiating from him, but not touching.

  “Pretty,” Flick said after a few more booms.

  Zed nodded as the names of the graduates began streaming by. His was third, after Neal Aarons and Kiro Amago. He didn’t say anything as the names progressed through the alphabet, but when Flick’s appeared, he bumped
his friend’s shoulder. Just a reminder that he was there, they’d made it and whatever came next, they’d be all right.

  God, he hoped they would be.

  Chapter Five

  His name in lights. The flare of familiar letters brought a lump to Felix’s throat. He wished his father could see it. Quickly, before the holo faded, he pulled out his wallet and snapped a few pictures. He missed reading the next few names while he chose the best one to share with his family.

  Zed leaned over his shoulder— as he’d done so many times before— to watch him tap out the ripcomm. “They’ll be so proud of you.”

  Felix nodded, his throat a little too tight for words. He sent off the message and tucked his wallet away. He looked back up at Zed, who remained inclined toward him, as if still reading over his shoulder. If not for this… man, they were men, now. If not for Zed, he wouldn’t sitting here with his heart swollen with such a mixture of emotion. Pride, anxiety, a little fear, and a big and achy thing called love. But he wouldn’t exchange a minute of it— not for all the credits in the galaxy. Because his family was proud of his accomplishments, and his career with the AEF would almost guarantee he could take care of them. Because he’d had the opportunity to learn from the best, and to share the experience with the best. The Fantastic Five: Zed, Emma, Marnie, Ryan and Felix.

  No distance could separate them, not after the last six years of friendship. Nothing should be able to separate him and Zed— but what could drive them apart was him not acknowledging this night, what he had right here, right now. He wanted more, but he could have this. One night, one special night. What better memory than sharing all of his firsts with the man he loved?

  Reaching up, he caressed Zed’s cheek. It was generally accepted that Zander Anatolius was handsome, but Felix saw beneath the strong brows, straight nose, high cheekbones and sensuous mouth. He saw through those cool blue eyes to the soul beneath. He flashed back to ten years before, to a younger and more rounded version of this face. Zed stuck in the ductwork of Pontus Station after having given chase when Felix stole his wallet. He remembered how the expression on Zed’s face had stopped him. The combination of admiration and challenge— and the sure knowledge that if Felix helped him out of the duct, he’d be grateful rather than angry. Zed was a good person. The perfect friend and the best sort of ally. Even at eight years old, Felix had known that Zed could show him the galaxy.